The New York City Bartender's Joke Book (39 page)

A guy goes to a church and walks into the confessional. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” he says.

The priest says, “What is it that brings you here?” “Well, Father,” says the guy, “I used the F-word over the weekend.”

“How did this come about?” asks the priest.

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “I was playing golf and on the first tee I hit a slice into the trees.”

“And that’s when you cursed out loud?” asks the priest.

“Oh no, not yet,” says the guy. “Well, I got lucky. I found my ball and had a clear shot to the green when, all of a sudden,
a squirrel came out of the bushes, picked up my ball by its teeth, and scampered up a tree.”

“That must have been when you cursed,” says the priest.

“No,” says the guy, “because just as the squirrel got to the top of the tree, a hawk swooped down
and grabbed it with its talons. The hawk flew out over the green and the squirrel dropped the ball, which landed five inches
from the cup.”

“Oh, I see, that’s when you cursed,” the priest says assuredly.

“No, not then, you see—”

The priest interrupts, “Don’t tell me you missed the fucking putt!”

A man goes to confession. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” he says. “I haven’t been to confession in a long time and
I have a sin that has been weighing heavily on mine and my family’s conscience for many years.”

“What is your sin, my son?” asks the priest.

“We hid a family of Jews from the Nazis,” says the man.

“My son,” says the priest, “saving a family from certain death is not a sin.”

“We charged them five hundred dollars a month,” says the man.

“Well,” says the priest, “was it agreeable to them? Did the expense cause them any hardship?”

“Oh yes, they agreed, Father, and they could afford the money,” says the man.

“Did they have enough food and were they healthy?” asks the priest.

“Yes, Father, they had plenty of food, they were healthy,” says the man.

The priest thinks for a moment and says, “My son, you and your family haven’t committed any sin. I don’t know what you are worried
about.”

“But Father,” says the man, “should I tell them that the war is over?”

Hear about the cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t control her pupils?

A Texas rancher and a New Hampshire farmer are talking. “How big is your farm?” asks the Texas rancher.

“Well, my farm is a little over two hundred acres,” says the New Hampshire farmer.

“Son,” bellows the Texas rancher, “my ranch is so big, I can get in my truck on one end and it will take me three days to reach
the other end!”

“Uh-huh,” says the New Hampshire farmer. “I had a truck like that once.”

What’s the real state motto of Texas?

Don’t mess with Texas, we’re armed!

What’s the real state motto of

New Hampshire?

Leave us the fuck alone!

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she’d be Bo Ho.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she’d be Bea Sting.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she’d be Dolly Dali.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutrous Boutrous-Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he’d be G. Ghali G.

This one’s for all you baseball fans…

If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he’d be Boog Alou.