The New York City Bartender's Joke Book (38 page)

St. Peter asks the second guy, “How about you, how did you die?”

“Well,” says the second guy, “I was late for work one day and I was running out of my building trying
to get a cab when a refrigerator fell on me.”

St. Peter asks the third guy, “And you, how did you die?”

The third guy says, “I was hiding in this refrigerator…”

Do infants enjoy infancy the way adults enjoy adultery?

Two guys are sitting on a park bench on a cold, damp day. A beautiful woman walks by and one guy says, “Tickle your ass with
a feather?”

“What?” asks the woman.

“I said,” says the guy, “particularly nasty weather.”

The woman smiles, and the guy gets up and walks away with her.

The other guy thought that was a great pickup line and decides to use it. When another beautiful woman walks by, he says, “Stick
a feather up your ass?”

The woman says, “Excuse me?”

“Fucking cold, isn’t it?” says the guy.

What’s the difference between mad cow disease

and a woman with PMS?

NOTHING!!!!!!!

This one is courtesy of my son, Michael!

A traveling salesman’s car breaks down near a farmhouse. He knocks on the door and the farmer says, “Yes?”

The salesman says, “My car broke down, can I spend the night?”

The farmer says, “Sure, but you’ll have to sleep with my son.”

“Your son?” says the salesman. “Wait a minute, I must be in the wrong joke!”

What’s the name of the guy from India

who works the coat room at the Plaza?

Mahatma Coat.

Did you hear about the gay midget?

He came out of the cupboard.

Did you hear about the Mexican who tried

to commit suicide?

He tried to hang himself from the

rearview mirror.

What’s smaller than a teeny, weeny fly?

A fly’s teeny weeny.

A woman goes to a gynecologist for the first time. She is on the examining table with her feet in the stirrups and the gynecologist
says, “Now, we’re going to start with some numbness.”

The woman, confused, says, “What do you mean?”

The gynecologist leans in real close between her legs and mumbles, “Num-num-num-num-num…

A guy goes to a pharmacy, walks up to the pharmacist and says, “I need some birth control pills for my fourteen-year-old daughter.”

“You mean to tell me,” says the pharmacist, “that your fourteen-year-old daughter is sexually active?”

“Hell, no,” says the guy. “She just lies there and doesn’t move like her mother!”

Did you know that there are over fifty thousand battered women in the United States? And all this time I’ve been eating them
plain!