The Enlightened Sex Manual: Sexual Skills for the Superior Lover (14 page)

{110}

Don't do something just to get your partner's approval. Do it because it serves to open your bodies as love. While your sexual energies are aroused, practice to unguard your heart, gently but per• sistently, especially when you notice yourself closing down. In erotic play, learn to enjoy the force of masculine presence and the power of feminine radiance. And always combine whatever variations you learn with compassion, sensitivity, creativity and spontaneity.

17 STIMULATE THE SEX PATHS

Although the genitals are often called the "sexual organs," enlight• ened sex requires the whole body. The genitals are the root organs of our sex, but they bloom up through the spine and whole body, including the belly, heart, and head. Many people have grown ac• customed to limiting intense pleasure to the genitals, resulting in ejaculative and clitoral orgasms. The rest of the body - as well as the profundity of whole-body orgasms - is ignored.

The superior lover knows how to stimulate the sexual pathways throughout the body These pathways are slightly different from person to person, and over time each person's needs change. The best way to discover these pathways is through experimentation. When you nibble your lover's earlobes, what happens to the rest of his body? Which parts of your lover's body seem to move with en• ergy when you pull her hair or kiss her neck? What happens when your lover bends his or her legs and you hold your lover's feet in your hands while you make love? Be careful not to get into a rigid habit of always stimulating the same parts of your lover's body in the same way just because it seemed to work before.

Pay particular attention to the ears, lips, neck, nipples, belly, anus, perineum, hands, feet, and spine. Use rough and gentle touch, sharp and soft pinches, wet and dry friction, tickles, scratches, steady pressure, and sudden blows to awaken and circulate your lover's energy. Through creative and skillful means, coax your lov• er's energy to flow so fully that his or her heart opens as spacious surrender, offering love, shining without boundaries. This is en• lightened sex. Genital contact may get the sexual energy moving,

{112}

but unless you are also skillful at helping it circulate throughout the whole body, the energy will just build up and deplete itself in localized blips of ratchety release.

{113}

1. BITE SLAP AND PINCH
   

   TO MOVE STAGNANT ENERGY
   

   During sex, the body's energy may become stagnant, heavy, or stuck. Biting, slapping, and pinching can be used to stimulate en• ergy in the nervous system and rouse a listless or sluggish body into more energetic ecstasy. Sometimes a little bit of pain, skill• fully and lovingly administered, can greatly increase pleasure. Use these means freely, with real love and careful sensitivity. These techniques are simply aspects of creative sexual loving and should be used equally by men and women.
   

   To begin with, choose a single technique to practice with your partner - for example, biting. While making love, bite or nibble your partner gently on the neck or wherever you choose. Then ask for verbal feedback. Would your partner like your bite to be harder or softer? More teeth or more lips? Work toward discover• ing how, when, and where to apply a bite. You can't just gnaw randomly and get the desired result. You must carefully feel your partner's energy, and when you feel that it needs a boost, provide just the right bite, at the right time, in the right place.
   

   Then your partner can practice biting you. Make sure to give feedback to let your partner know how his or her biting is affect• ing you. At first it is best to use words to give this feedback. Once you both understand each other's signals, sometimes a pleasur• able moan - or a sharp yelp, "Ouch!" - is enough. In any case, make sure that the pain is "good" pain, in the sense that it deep• ens and quickens the energy flowing through your bodies.
   

   Erotic slapping can be more difficult to learn. Because slapping is often associated with anger and the desire to hurt someone,
   

   {114}
   

   many people inhibit their impulse to smack a lover during sex. Remember, there is a big difference between hitting someone in a way that deepens the ecstasy and hitting someone because you are angry and need to strike out. What we are exploring is cuffing someone in a way that jolts both of you to a new level of sexual participation, openness, and love.
   

   Eventually, you may find that an occasional and lovingly ad• ministered gentle slap to the face - not to mention the ass or thigh - can surprisingly open the sexing to a new level of aban• don and passion. Both men and women can learn to gently cuff each other, at first being very careful and waiting for feedback be• fore trying again. This kind of smacking or spanking is an act of love, an erotic expression of passion, and a means to move energy to a new place. It is
   not
   about trying to hurt your lover, although the smack may indeed be somewhat painful, or at least startling. However, the pain can quickly be assimilated into greater pas• sion, pleasure, and bodily energy if the smack is appropriately and skillfully given and received.
   

   For biting, slapping, or pinching to work well, timing is very important. You must feel the energy moving or stagnating in your partner before you can know when and how to assist the energy. Sometimes a smack to the buttocks will unlock energy. At other times, pinching a leg, scratching the back, or nibbling your part• ner's neck can be the skillful means.
   

   Feel your partner's blocks. Where is the rigidity? Where is the energy flow limited? Which parts of your partner's body are ex• pressing passion fully, and which parts are inexpressive, dull, or lifelessly passive? Your partner can feel and discover the answers to these questions in you, too. Carefully administered bites, slaps, and pinches can be skillful means to unblock and magnify energy
   

   {115}
   

   in the parts of the body that need to be awakened. A sudden bite, slap, or pinch can also arouse greater passion and emotional expres• sion in a partner who is drifting, mechanical, or lodged in torpor. By learning to feel your partner's energy with great sensitivity, you will know intuitively when and how to open and move it.
   

   {116}
   

2. MOVE ENERGY THROUGH THE LIPS, NIPPLES,. AND GENITALS
   

The lips, nipples, and genitals are connected through an inter• nal circuitry of energy. By lovingly and delicately using touch to stimulate and relax each of these three areas, you can increase the circulation of love-force through your partner's whole body. Don't focus on one of these areas too long, but feel all three si• multaneously, regulating the energy flow between lips, nipples, and genitals by using hard and soft touch, biting, pinching, rub• bing, skimming, tickling, licking, and kissing.

When making love with your partner, stop moving. Lie motion• less with your genitals interlocked with your lover's, your fingers on one of your lover's nipples, and your lips hovering near your lover's lips. Feel all three of these areas as if they were connected to one another by an invisible line of energy. Thrust a few times with your genitals and then carefully pinch your lover's nipple while staying attuned to how your lover's energy is flowing. Pinch the nipple just hard enough that you can feel your lover's genitals responding. Then stop pinching and continue thrusting again.

In a minute or so, begin kissing your lover on the lips. Use your tongue to stimulate your lover's lips while pressing his or her lips against yours. With your lips and tongue, suck and knead your lover's upper lip. As you do this, feel a direct connection from your lover's lip to his or her genitals, through your lover's nipple.

Focus on the lips, nipples, and genitals in turn while stimulat• ing all three areas simultaneously to some degree. Based on your moment-to-moment feeling of your lover's energy flow, choose which area to excite, the depth of stimulation, and the timing. If

{117}

pinching your lover's nipple or kissing your lover's lips ends up decreasing energy or closing your lover down, then, of course, stop. Even when something is working well, don't repeat it too long or it will become irritating. Varying the location, depth, and intensity of stimulation, bring your lover's body to greater and greater degrees of ecstasy, until your lover can barely handle it.

Then, when your lover's energy is very full, bring your chest and belly against his or hers. Firmly press your body against your lover's, your chest and belly relaxed and soft. Breathe as if you are breathing your lover's breath, in synchrony and with great sen• sitivity. Use your breath to deepen and open your lover's breath. Press your heart tenderly against your lover's heart, feeling through your heart into your lover's, thus reminding your lover to feel from his or her heart into yours. Physical pleasure should never overshadow openness of heart. But if you can continue to help keep your lover's heart open, there is virtually no limit to the depth and fullness of energy you can evoke by skillfully caressing the energetically connected lips, nipples, and genitals.

{118}

20
STIMULATE THE ANUS

The anus is a potent source of energy arousal in both men and women. Most people find anal stimulation either very pleasurable or very painful, depending on their degree of relaxation. From the perspective of enlightened sex, the entire pelvic floor can be a place of sexual power, including the genitals, perineum, and anus. The anus is an erogenous zone, capable of giving you great pleasure. But it is more than this. The anus is also a "launch pad" for energy moving up your spine. Although not completely nec• essary, anal stimulation can be an element in your repertoire of practices whereby you circulate magnified sexual energy up your spine and throughout your body to heal and rejuvenate yourself

and your partner.

In addition to being a source of great energy, the anus is one of the places we tend to store residual tension. Some of us are chronically anxious and therefore become a "tight ass." Others are clamping the anus in constant, low-level fear. It is important for you to maintain the proper muscle tone, but chronic fear and tension are unnecessary.

The amount of fear and tension you are suppressing be• low awareness in your daily life is easy to discover. This tension is stored in key areas of the body, such as your jaw, your solar plexus, and your anus. A finger up the anus will give you a quick reading as to whether you are unconsciously holding on to fear and anxiety there!

Everybody has different hygiene standards, but it is prudent to wash with soap and water before and after engaging in any

{119}

kind of anal stimulation. Furthermore, remember to wash what• ever is inserted in the anus before putting it in the vagina.

It doesn't matter who goes first, but you and your partner can practice stimulating each other's anus, one at a time. Start by using your finger. Lubricate your finger and your partner's anus with saliva, vaginal fluids, or personal lubricant you can purchase at a pharmacy or sex shop. Gently massage the outer surface of your partner's anus with your finger. When the anus relaxes, in• sert the tip of your finger into the anus about half an inch. At this point, vibrate your finger slightly to help relax the anus. You can also massage the outer ring of the anus.

With your partner giving you constant verbal feedback, you can, over time, go deeper and deeper into the anus with your finger, massaging the walls of the anus as you go. Listen to your partner, stopping when he or she says to stop. Much emotional residue may be stored in the tissue you are massaging, so be pa• tient and prepared for anything, from tears to anger to catatonia. Some people are able to receive a whole finger during the first session, while others may need weeks or months of slow and pa•

tient anal massage to receive even a few inches.

Eventually, when both you and your partner have learned to give and receive love and stimulation through the anus, you can begin exploring the subtleties of working with anal energy. You may choose to experiment with various kinds of anal intercourse, carefully entering the anus with penis, dildo, or butt plug. In addi• tion to anal intercourse, you can experiment with anal stimulation (with your finger, for instance) during genital intercourse.

The purpose of anal stimulation is to help relax the body, re• lease emotional tension, and stimulate the energy of the pelvic floor. This energy can then be circulated fully, up the spine and

{120}

down the front, throughout the body's internal circuitry. The anus should be stimulated only to the extent that it serves this flow of energy and openness of heart. If anal sex becomes the sole focus of sexuality, chances are you are dealing with an unre• solved neurosis rather than a skillful use of energy stimulation.

For some people, anal stimulation will play only a small and very occasional part in their overall sexing. For others, anal stimu• lation will be a more frequent part of sexual play and practice. Measure the frequency and style of anal stimulation by its efficacy in opening internal energy knots, relaxing the entire body, and moving energy from the pelvic floor up the spine and throughout the whole body. Most importantly, measure anal sex by its capac• ity to prepare you and your partner to surrender more deeply in love, a love without boundaries.

{121}

21 DO

THE FEET

Your feet influence your whole body. When your feet are tired, the rest of you feels tired. When your feet are massaged, your whole body feels massaged. When your feet are touched with erotic love, the rest of you also flows with such love.

Foot massage can be a regular part of your sexual play. By massaging your lover's feet, you will help his or her whole body relax and open. Your lover will be able to feel your love, as well as your skill as a lover, by the way in which you touch his or her feet. If you just press a foot like a piece of meat, your lover will feel your insensitivity. But if you touch your lover's feet as if they were directly connected to your lover's heart and genitals - which they are - your lover will feel your skill with sexual energy. Your lover will relax in the trust of your care and sensual expertise.