The Enlightened Sex Manual: Sexual Skills for the Superior Lover (5 page)

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3

USE YOUR TONGUE LIKE A CIRCUIT BREAKER

Your mouth and especially your tongue are very important parts of the natural circuit of sexual energy that flows from your geni• tals, up your spine, through your head, and back down the front of your body to your pelvic floor. As you practice moving sexual energy in this circular flow, you will notice the significant effects of tongue placement.

If you keep the tip of your tongue gently pressed against the roof of your mouth, your internal energy can flow through its complete circuit. Your tongue should remain in contact with the roof of your mouth through most of the sexual occasion and through most of the day. Then, your internal energy can flow from your head back down through the front of your body and through the entire circuit.

If your mouth remains open or your tongue remains apart from the roof of your mouth, your internal circuit of energy is broken. Your energy gets stopped in your head and cannot flow down your front, so you cannot relax in the fullness of your personal power and easeful sexual vitality. Unable to continue flowing, the stopped-up energy will tend to fill your head with thoughts, fears, tensions, and fantasies.

When your sexual energy cannot circulate fully, it will build up at different places in your body. Although your spine and vari• ous organs may suffer due to blocked and stagnant energy, most of the energy usually gets stuck in your head and/or genitals. If this happens, you will feel a chronic need to discharge tension through conventional genital orgasm and/or constant thinking.

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Without proper tongue placement and circulation of energy, you can become chained to an addictive build-up-and-release cycle of excessive thinking and orgasm. Because your natural internal circuitry is disrupted, your energy is unable to flow freely through your whole body. You become unable to relax your thoughts and sexual urges. They build up. You become obsessed by head and tail. Therefore, be very conscious of your tongue placement.

While making love, consciously place your tongue in differ• ent positions in your mouth. Feel how you change your overall energy flow by changing the location of your tongue. Try plac• ing the tip of your tongue at different places on the roof of your mouth: just behind your front teeth, on the middle of your upper palate, or far back on the soft part of your upper palate. What happens to the flow of energy from your genitals up your spine and into your head when you press your tongue with great force against the roof of your mouth? What happens when you just gently touch your tongue to the roof of your mouth?

Throughout most of the day maintain contact between the tip of your tongue and the roof of your mouth in the location and with the pressure that feels best. Break this circuit only when you need to talk, laugh, eat, or consciously open your mouth for some other purpose. Notice how you feel once you get used to conscious tongue placement.

During sex, you can place your tongue directly on your lover's body to give and receive energy. You can exchange energy with your lover by placing your tongue in contact with your lover's tongue, lips, genitals, nipples, neck, ear, feet, belly button - any part of the body at all.

Start by placing the tip of your tongue gently on the side of your lover's neck. Now, very slowly, move your tongue, dragging

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its tip across your lover's skin, noticing how it affects the energy in his or her body. After using your tongue gently in this way, begin to press your tongue more forcefully into your lover's neck, as if you were trying to reach into your lover's heart with your tongue.

Gauge the depth, pressure, and style of tongue stroke by your lover's moment-to-moment response. Don't just listen to your lover's moans and look at how his or her body is moving, but actually learn to feel the flow of your lover's internal energy. Al• though it might seem nebulous at first, with practice you will be able to feel, in great detail, the energy flows within your lover's body as you open your own body and learn to merge your heart and breath with your lover's.

Continue by exploring your lover's mouth with your tongue. What happens when you press on the roof of your lover's mouth with your tongue? Try tongue-to-tongue contact. Play with press• ing your lover's upper lip between your tongue and lips. Feel yourself exchanging cool feminine and hot masculine energy with your partner through your tongue.

The tongue and genitals share many similarities. They are both superlative givers and receivers of energy. They are both critical links in the circuit of energy through your own body, as well as in the circuit of energy through your partner's body. Used skill• fully, they can magnify the force of sexual energy in both you and your partner. Used unskillfully they can unwittingly misdirect en• ergy, leaving you feeling depleted from lost energy or tense from blocked energy.

In general, during sex your tongue should be either pressed lightly against the roof of your own mouth to complete your inner energy circuit or used consciously to move energy through your

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lover's body. The secret is to feel the effect, moment by moment, that your tongue is creating, both for yourself and for your lover. In this way, your tongue moves skillfully to create artful loving, rather than flopping about like the clumsy want of an eager dog.

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4

USE YOUR EYES

TO DIRECT ENERGY

Your eyes are strong regulators of energy. What you do with your eyes strongly influences where your energy goes.

For instance, if you are trying too hard to "love" during sexual practices, then this excessive effort might show in your bulging, wide-open eyes, staring into your partner's eyes. During such a love stare, your energy will accumulate behind your eyes and in your head, rather than circulate freely throughout your body. Your head will look like it is about to pop. A truly loving gaze is more often a relaxed gaze, not the "love stare" so common amongst good-hearted "spiritual" people trying to be loving.

If your stare is stuck on one part of your partner's body, then your energy will also become stuck. There is nothing wrong with looking at your partner's sexual organs. In fact, beholding each other's sexual form is an important part of making love. But if you become fixated, obsessively staring at one part of your part• ner's body for too long, then your energy will become fixated. Rather, drink deeply of your partner's beauty, allowing your gaze to travel all over his or her body, freely, relaxedly with great ap• preciation but no rigid fixation.

Relaxed eyes help your energy to be relaxed. If your eyes are moving erratically all over, your thoughts will also move erratically all over. Your eye movements should be like silk across your lover's skin: smooth, loving, and gentle. If your eye movements become jerky and stressed, so will your thoughts, feelings, and breath.

Notice if you are holding tension in the muscles around your eyeballs or temples during sex. Stay alert, but relax the eyes in a

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loving gaze, not a stressful stare. As sexual stimulation becomes intense, you may find yourself squinting or otherwise adding ten• sion to your eyes. Practice keeping your eyes relaxed, even during the height of sexual stimulation. In this way, your energy is able to flow more freely throughout your entire internal circuitry without getting stuck, in the tension of your head and face.

When you close your eyes, your energy will tend to go in• ward. Sometimes this is appropriate. Often, however, people close their eyes to get away from the relational demand of sexual• ity, as if they were masturbating by themselves. Closing your eyes may move you toward fantasy rather than the actuality of you and your lover. Closed eyes may also orient you toward your own bodily sensations, limiting your capacity to feel into and through your lover.

Take care to use your eyes consciously. Just as you should keep the tongue relaxedly pressed against the roof of your mouth unless you are consciously choosing to do otherwise, your eyes should remain open and relaxed unless you are consciously choosing to use your eyes in some other specific fashion.

A primary way to use your eyes while making love is to gaze deeply into your partner's eyes. Feel the love within your partner through his or her eyes. Even if your partner seems emotionally closed, do your best to feel the openness and love behind your partner's fear or tension. By seeing through your partner's layers of resistance, you can consciously connect to the love deep in your partner's heart and bring it more and more to the fore.

As your loving penetrates your partner's depth, and his or her resistances melt, your love meets your partner's. Your openness merges with his or her openness. Together, your loving becomes one. In moments like this, love is beholding love through the

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eyes of you and your partner.
There is no difference, just one love, expressed through two bodies.
This is enlightened sex.

If you are ever moved to close your eyes temporarily during sex, you can still use your closed eyes correctly. Don't focus your vision as if you were looking at the backs of your eyelids. Instead, while your eyes are closed, focus your gaze at infinity. That is, while closed, your eyes should be looking far away, as if gazing deeply into a black night sky. A deep gaze will open your attention through the sensations of the moment, relax the tension of your mind, and foster a deep and free flow of energy through your body.

Just as you use your eyes throughout the sexual occasion, use your eyes consciously during orgasm as well. As you come to or• gasm, or as your partner does, keep your eyes relaxed and open. Continue gazing deeply into each other's eyes. Instead of closing your eyes, see and be seen in the midst of orgasm. Show your ecstasy and see your partner's.

In the very throes of orgasm, give and receive love with your partner completely, through your whole body and through your open eyes gazing deeply into your partner's. There is nothing to hide and no need to have a "private" orgasm behind closed eyes. Occasionally, you may want to close your eyes during orgasm, especially if you are just learning to feel the energies flowing in your body. But as a general rule, keep your eyes open, deeply but easefully gazing into your partner's eyes.

Occasionally, during sex, allow your eyes to turn upward, as if you were looking at the center of your forehead. Your eyelids can be open or shut while your eyeballs are looking up. This upward gaze helps your energy move from your genitals up your spine, thus increasing the possibility of upward orgasms of long and deep bliss rather than downward ones of quick release.

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As you look up with your eyes while contracting your pelvic floor and exhaling your energy upward along your spine, it is also quite possible that you will feel yourself "leaving your body" out through the top of your head. After this upward ecstasy, always complete the circle by inhaling the energy forcefully back down the front of your body, reengaging full-bodied love play with your partner.

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Part Two: Orgasm

I first learned how to circulate my internal energy in a shopping mall when I was a young teenager. After this learning occurred, my relationships to sexuality, to women, and specifically to or• gasm changed drastically.

I was about twelve years old, an uncoordinated, toothpick-thin bookworm. One day my parents dropped my best friend and me off at the local mall, where we spent many of our after-school hours in the bookstore, devouring everything we could find on psychic phenomena, esoteric religions, and spiritual practices from other cultures.

On this particular bookstore visit, I began looking through some paperbacks about Tibetan lamas living in the Himalayas who had exceptional control over their bodies and minds. These Tibetan holy men would sit motionless in the snowy mountains with a wet sheet - which quickly froze - wrapped around their otherwise naked bodies. Then they would proceed to melt the frozen sheet by generating heat through the flow of their internal energy. They would spend years alone in caves, silently contemplat• ing their true nature of pristine awareness. They would practice maintaining clear consciousness all night through their sleep and dreams. They were my heroes.

As I was staring into one of these books, I felt the presence of someone standing nearby. Too nearby. I turned to see a huge fat

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man, mostly bald, his belly straining against a dirty T-shirt. I im• mediately had visions of the child molesters and kidnappers my parents had warned me about. My heart started beating hard.

"Do you like those kinds of books?" the child molester asked

me.

I swallowed. "Yes," I said, too frightened to run, too embar•

rassed to call for help.

"I can see that you like them. Put your hand on my shoulder," he ordered me.

By now, my best friend had put down his book and come over to where I stood facing this weird man, who seemed like an over• weight sixty-five-year-old bum. Definitely a pervert, I thought.

"Go ahead," he repeated, "put your hand on my shoulder."

I felt queasy. I wanted to walk away but my legs were rubbery. I just stood there, looking at this guy, sure he was about to kidnap or hurt me. I felt helpless.

He grabbed my hand and put it on his shoulder. I felt very strange and suddenly self-conscious to be in this mall, in this bookstore, standing paralyzed with my hand on this weirdo's shoulder, while all the supposedly normal people walked about in their shopping trance, not even noticing us. The whole situa• tion felt very unreal and dreamlike.

"Now," the big-bellied old man said, more quietly, "push." I finally spoke up. "What do you mean?"

"Try to push me backward."

I was too scared to move. I was not about to push on a total stranger whom I didn't even want to be touching.

He grabbed my arm and pulled it toward him, as if to demon• strate what I was supposed to do. Okay, I decided. I guess there is no harm in a little push. If this guy tried anything strange, I could

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yell out; the mall was filled with people who would come to my rescue. Or so I hoped.