The Enlightened Sex Manual: Sexual Skills for the Superior Lover (8 page)

1. Early sexual experience.
   

   You are a young teenage boy. Your friends teach you how to mas• turbate, or maybe you figure it out for yourself. You are in the bathroom, sitting on the toilet. One hand holds your mother's women's magazine, opened to a bra advertisement. Your other hand holds your young sexual organ, tumescent and about to burst.
   

   You whack and yank for a few minutes and spew your goo, wipe yourself clean, and hurry off to dinner. At night, before falling asleep, you lie in bed and repeat the process, imagining a pretty girl from school standing before you, naked and sexy.
   

   Thus you train your body, your nervous system, and your mind. Stroke, stroke, ooh, goo. Stroke, stroke, ooh, goo. Day af• ter day, year after year, your daily ritual sets the course for your sexual future.
   

   Now you have grown into young adulthood. Let's say you are heterosexually oriented. You finally have your first real girl• friend. You are in bed together. You have imagined this moment a million times. You put your penis inside her, and her warm, wet vagina feels a lot better than your dry hand. You know what to do: stroke, stroke, ooh, goo.
   

   After several years of marriage, she knows the routine, too. You can't seem to help it. It's what you do. It's sex. And you need it sometimes, badly. Once a day, three times a week, once a month, whatever is your habit: stroke, stroke, ooh, goo.
   

   Your teenage years of masturbation have conditioned your body.
   

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   Erection and stimulation lead to ejaculation. And a pretty quick one at that. While your genitals are being stimulated, you fantasize, think, imagine girls, women, body parts, acts of naked vengeance. This round of erection, friction, fantasy, and ejaculation con• tinues unabated in adulthood, only now you sometimes do it inside your lover. Your sexual life is still largely a subjective affair, a hidden bathroom or bedroom indulgence, your fantasies pretty much the same as when you were a teenager. Your penis, when stimulated long enough, still feels like it needs to ejaculate. You trained your body and mind in this sequence as a teenager, and now you are addicted to it. Maybe you don't do it as often as
   

   when you were a teenager, but you are still addicted.
   

1. Improper life habits.
   

Some days, you feel like you
must
ejaculate. You've eaten too much salt or too much protein, and your body needs to release the diet-induced pressure. Your breathing is shallow and tense, and stress builds up in your body, needing to be discharged. You've been thinking about the sexy coworker in the office next to yours, and the movement of sexual thoughts has slowly accumulated into the restlessness of a minor storm, soon to be a gale of need.

Your habits of diet, breath, posture, and mind create an in• ternal turbulence that seeks to be relieved. Your addiction to ejaculation is fueled throughout the day by these stress-creating habits. You are lying in bed, unable to sleep, a bit agitated, and you know the peace that lies on the other side of shooting your wad, relieving yourself of desire, tensions, and thought.

However, fast and frequent ejaculation is not necessary, at least not in the way it seems to most men. Ejaculation can be

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an option, useful if you want to have babies or as an occasional means to balance your internal energy. But beyond that, it is sim• ply an addiction built upon evolutionary, adolescent, and daily habits of body and mind.

Sex can be a time of total dissolution in love. Sex can bathe every cell in your body with light, bliss, and life force. Sex can be an ecstatic practice of open-hearted communion and surrender to infinity. Or, sex can be ten or twenty minutes of genital stimu• lation ending in a spasm of biological relief.

You are no longer on the toilet, a young wanker wonking his gazonka for quick relief before dinner. You are an adult man, making love with your lover, aware that life is short and in the end nothing matters but love. Every moment is a word in your life story. You can write it quick and cheap, or you can wreak poetry from the depth of your heart.

Ejaculation is addictive. Once you start having ejaculations with some habitual frequency, it's hard to stop. You will tend to ejaculate more or less on schedule, even if you don't want to. Even if you have practiced all the proper exercises for opening your internal energy channels and circulating your sexual energy, you can still become addicted to spilling your semen through sex or masturbation. You will come right to the point of ejaculation, and instead of bypassing it in a deeper realization of sexual en• ergy, you will think, "Well, I might as well come this time."

On the other hand, once you stop ejaculating for a while, it is much easier to bypass ejaculation by choice. If you have had non-ejaculatory sex for several weeks, it is much easier to choose not to ejaculate. Then, you can use your abundant energy to consis• tently deepen and strengthen your sexual power of love as well as your ability to be fully conscious, moment by moment, and true

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to your deepest purpose, spiritually, professionally, with friends, and with family.

For most men, becoming a superior lover involves retrain• ing the addiction to ejaculation. When sex becomes an ecstatic and intensely pleasurable art of spiritual communion in love, then your ejaculation is naturally regulated by your breath and heart-feeling, rather than by your old habits of solitary fantasy and accumulated stress.

If you want a deep life, deepen your sexual energy. To know and express your deep being, it's best to Curtail your spilling of attention into millimeter-deep puddles. Then you will have the strength necessary to penetrate through your old habits of body and mind, remaining vigilant and authentic to your deep• est truth.

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7 CURB

FIDGETS

Fidgets are mini-ejaculations. Bypassing ejaculation won't be worth it unless you learn to conduct energy throughout your body with your breath. If you don't practice circulating your en• ergy fully, then the built-up sexual pressure will just accumulate in various parts of your body, causing fidget, twitch, and fret. You will feel tense. Perhaps you will tap your fingers, bite your nails, or grind your jaw. Your increasing sexual energy will inevitably be expelled in restless movement as well as in random thinking.

Thought itself is often a kind of fidget, an unnecessary and random movement of energy, frequently serving no purpose but the expression of tension. If you develop the capacity for non-ejaculatory orgasm without also advancing your abil• ity to circulate internal energy, this energy will simply build up in your body and mind. Your incessant thinking will only increase, your head dribbling with spent fragments of mull and agitation. Your head may ache and throb, too, with stuck energy of upward tension that you attempt to release via fidg• eting and thinking.

It is important, therefore, to cultivate your capacity for non-ejaculatory living along with your capacity for non-ejaculatory orgasms. Practice relaxing the body consciously, especially when the symptoms of fidget and fuss begin to unconsciously pup• peteer your extremities. Consciously breathe deeply and fully, allowing your belly and chest to be relaxed and open, your energy circulating in a deep current of ease rather than in swirling culs-de-sac of choppy thoughts and jagged fray.

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Fidgets, both mental and physical, are the body's way of dis• pelling energy it can't circulate, exactly as ejaculations are. Both ejaculations and fidgets become addictive, so that you find it more and more difficult to stop the habit once the pattern has become ingrained. Your body becomes addicted to using fidgets, think• ing, and ejaculation to superficially release tension, so it never develops the capacity to circulate energy deeply. Without this deep circulation, your entire life reflects a shallow disposition. Your creativity, awareness, and loving remain thin.

As a superior lover, practice redirecting the energy behind fidgets and ejaculations as we have outlined earlier - through your breath, contraction of the pelvic floor, bodily relaxation, and deep feeling - if you want to live as mighty, wide, and pro• found as you truly are.

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8

GOOD
EJACULATIONS LIBERATE ENERGY

I had a rough day. I felt agitated, tense, cranky. I ate a large dinner and felt stuffed. Then I got in bed-with my lover and she started pumping my penis with her hand.

Within about two minutes, I felt like I wanted to come. I felt like I was going to burst any second. The pressure was entirely within my genitals; I didn't feel any energy moving through the rest of my body, and I didn't feel like taking the time to breathe more consciously to circulate the energy. I just wanted to come. I just wanted relief. I wanted to spurt my seed and get it over with and feel relaxed and go to sleep.

So I ejaculated. It was all over in a few seconds. I did feel somewhat relieved and less tense. But there was no depth to it. I felt emptied - which felt better than being full of stress. I was more comfortable. Soon I dozed off.

I woke up in the morning feeling fine. My first thoughts were about what I needed to do that day, my schedule and responsibilities. I wanted a little extra get-up-and-go, so I had some coffee before heading out the door. The day was OK, but I realized that it had not been the right time for me to ejaculate. I felt the subtle sense of inner ambiguity or lack of depth that I know can be exacerbated by inappropriate ejaculations.

A few months later, I again felt as if there was too much energy inside me. I had had sex for many weeks without ejac• ulating, doing my best to circulate the energy. This time, I felt the specific kind of internal "heat" that signals it is probably time for my body to ejaculate.

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This time, while making love, I felt no tense need to ejaculate. My heart was not closed. My genitals were not about to burst. My internal energy circuit was open and flowing withou t obstruction. My entire body simply felt overabundant with energy, as if I needed to drain a little of f the to p so as not to overflow. This feeling had gradu• ally accumulated over several weeks of steady vitality and strength. My genitals
were
not on the verge of popping as we made love, though I felt full of energy.

As our sexing continued for an hour or more, our energy rose and fell in waves, slowly and rhythmically, with a pulse of several minutes. My energy had merged with my lover's.

At times the pleasure was almost more than we could take. She would be screaming, crying, gasping, scratching my back and hitting me with her fists, while jets of light burst upward through our spines into the stratosphere of moveless awe. Then there were times of fecund love, heavy, thick, stock-still: two pot-bellied pigs swooned in the fat relaxation of utter trust.

Eventually, we both felt it was a good time to bring our cycle of loving to completion. I chose to ejaculate.

As the foothills of my ejaculation approached, I con• sciously relaxed my body, especially my genitals, belly, and chest. My face remained relaxed and my eyes open. I looked into the eyes of my lover as the orgasm energy built toward a peak.

As my ejaculation began, I relaxed into it. I opened out through it. It was as if my body had become water, and this water was enlarging, soaking my lover, filling her, the room, and beyond. I opened out and gave myself through this water, surrendering completely outward, holding no center or self.

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Totally relaxing my body, breathing fully, looking into my lover's eyes, feeling into and through her from my heart, I gave her my love, offering myself to her, through her to depth' s endless yawn. As I ejaculated, my whole body gave love like large water. My heart expanded to coincide with the water's expanding edge of love. A rush of oneness deliquesced my body in its giving.

Nothing was depleted by the ejaculation. I experienced no weakness. We held each other and breathed thick love. The depth engendered through our sexual practice contin• ued into the dark of night, even throughout our sleep.

When morning came, the sounds and textures of waking life danced lightly in this depth. Our first impulses arose not in response to the schedule for the day, but from this well of being. As the day proceeded, our actions grew spontaneously from the smile deep in our belly, from the unencumbered curve of basic love.

Ejaculating too frequently doesn't necessarily make you feel bad, just mediocre. When a man has a proper ejaculative or• gasm - when he truly needs one, and when he can relax into it and through it, yielding himself into and as love - then he and his partner are filled with energy and love, rather than depleted.

Ejaculating when you truly need to deepens your sleeping and waking. The river of your life flows with thick love and heart purpose, not thin coffee or scheduled need. Both you and your lover benefit from appropriate ejaculative orgasms, engaged at the right time and in the right way.

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Men and women alike have a tendency to tighten their bod• ies, hold their breath, and turn their attention inward toward their own sensations during orgasm. Instead, try to relax, breathe, and open out while the energy surges. Continue to relax into and through your orgasm; don't tighten into spasm-then-release. You may be habituated to holding your breath and tensing your body in order to explode into orgasm. Instead, open your breath and relax. Continuously open out through your orgasm, whether ejaculative or non-ejaculative. Let your openness and love be communicated throughout the entire orgasm.

The moment of orgasm, like the moment of death, provides you a unique opportunity to discover the truth of your essential being: what remains when every shred of holding has been sur• rendered. Ease widely beyond form. Use the rush of orgasm to excavate all distance. If you are going to come, come like the stars in the endless sky, not like a balloon on a stick.

To the untrained lover, ejaculation seems like an all-or-nothing affair. However, when you learn to relax rather than become tense during ejaculation, and when you learn to feel outward through sex rather than go into the cage of your own sensations, then you can develop complete regulatory control over how big your ejacu• lation is, from a few drops to a thimbleful to a colossal geyser.