The Enlightened Sex Manual: Sexual Skills for the Superior Lover (11 page)

{83}

kneading, and stroking the area around her clitoris, as well as her vaginal lips.

Before she could get bored or familiar wit h my touch , I woul d move to a different place or change the speed or pressure of my strokes. However, I always returned to her G-spot, as if repeating the chorus of a song played for her pleasure.

Every time I would return to her G-spot, I would stay a little longer, her breath becoming more full, before I would move to briefly massage the rest of her vagina, from cervix to clitoris and outer lips. Wit h my other hand, I would stroke her neck, breasts, belly, ass, legs, and feet.

This went on for some time, perhaps twenty minutes or half an hour, until her orgasm began to swell, like a wave roll• ing in from a distant horizon. I continued to stroke her G-spot, moving to other areas of her vagina when it felt appropriate. Her arms opened on the bed straight out to her sides, as if she were lying on a cross. Each of her fingers spread wide and long like rays of the sun. Her back arched and her mouth opened. She seemed to be opening herself to receive pleasure and love more and more deeply in her body.

She began to make sounds. Long, deep, open sounds, sounds of surrender and relaxed joy. Her eyes were soft, vulnerable, and wide. Mout h open, sounds open, eyes open, belly open , hands open, she looked into my eyes and unfolded her pleasure in the thick cream of our trust while a single tear rolled dow n her face from the corner of her eye.

{84}

Vaginal or G-spot orgasms are deeper than clitoral orgasms. They take longer to occur, sometimes thirty or forty minutes. And they usually require stimulation of the G-spot, which may or may not happen with genital intercourse.

You will need to experiment with different sexual positions and different angles of the pelvis to find a way for the penis, fin• ger, or dildo to come in contact with the right place in the vagina. Some women find that rear entry, or "doggie style," is the best sexual position for achieving G-spot or vaginal orgasms. Other women prefer the front-to-front position, with the man's penis angled in a way to hit the front wall of the vagina rather than slide past it without much contact.

What is the right place in the vagina to receive stimulation for a G-spot orgasm? That depends on the woman. Some women have a well-defined area - the "G-spot" - a few inches inside the vagina on the front or anterior wall. This area is sexually respon• sive in a unique way. The spongy tissue under this vaginal surface may become full with fluid as orgasm approaches. Some women feel like they have to urinate as the G-spot is stimulated. Some women actually ejaculate fluid from this area during the contrac• tions of an orgasm.

Other women do not have a well-defined G-spot, but still en• joy deep vaginal orgasms, which are very different from clitoral orgasms. I am using the terms "G-spot orgasm" and "vaginal or• gasm" to mean the same type of orgasm: more full than a clitoral orgasm, though, in general, not as profound as a cervical orgasm.

Whether or not you are a woman with a well-defined G-spot, your vaginal or G-spot orgasms will be more full, more emo• tional, slower, longer, and deeper than your clitoral orgasms. Your body and breath will open during a G-spot orgasm, rather than

{85}

close down and become tense, as often occurs during a clitoral or• gasm. Vaginal or G-spot orgasms involve your deep reception of pleasure and love into your open and surrendered body, heart, and breath, followed by waves of uninhibited emotional and physical unfolding, whereas clitoral orgasms often involve a "clamping down" in short and intense pleasure.

Because of the deep opening that takes place in G-spot or vaginal orgasms, they require a greater degree of trust and communion than do clitoral orgasms. Most women can achieve clitoral orgasms through manual masturbation, using a vibrator, or being with a lover who knows how to stimulate the clitoral re• gion with finger, tongue, or penis. But vaginal orgasms typically occur only with a partner a woman really trusts and with whom she is willing to open herself in deep reception and surrendered unfolding. G-spot or vaginal orgasms are as much about blissful emotional reception, openness, and surrender as they are about physical ecstasy.

A woman will have difficulty experiencing G-spot or vaginal orgasms if she isn't relaxed and trusting with her sexual partner. And even then, for some women the G-spot area is very sensi• tive, even painful in response to touch. This can be a good sign, however, for it reveals the potential for responsiveness. Sensitiv• ity or pain often indicates that a highly responsive vaginal area has closed down - perhaps due to past trauma or simple frustra• tion - and so it is resistant to further stimulation.

It takes time, patience, and loving sensitivity to help open up an irritable, resistant, or traumatized G-spot. A good way to do this is for a woman's lover to gently massage the G-spot area with his or her fingers while listening to specific feedback. The woman receiving the massage should describe exactly how she wants to

{86}

be touched: "Slower, lighter, barely touch it, now move away for a few seconds, OK, now harder, harder, faster, now slower . . ."

At first, some women will be able to handle only a few minutes of G-spot massage. But, eventually, it is best to work up to an hour or more. If you are receiving the massage, you may be surprised by the amount of emotional residue stored in your vaginal tissue. During G-spot massage, you may find yourself suddenly angry, frightened, or grieving for no apparent reason. If these emotions become too intense for you to continue, stop the massage and simply be present with your lover, sharing what you feel while you relax and breathe together, perhaps while you are held and given refuge in your lover's arms.

However, if possible, you should eventually return to the mas• sage, whether in a few minutes or a few days. With practice, you will learn how to continue with the massage
through
the emotions that arise. While screaming, weeping, shouting, or groaning, prac• tice remaining fully present, fully experiencing and metabolizing your arising emotions. As the emotions flow through you, continue to breathe and feel every sensation fully, relaxing layer after layer of resistance and closure as your lover continues to massage your G-spot area according to your moment-by-moment instructions.

You may need to receive this kind of massage every other day for a week or two. Or you may require several months of careful G-spot massage. It doesn't matter how long it takes. Be patient. Take your time. Go at your own pace and intensity. Eventually, however, your vagina will open to this kind of touch. Your G-spot will relax. The emotional scars from past experiences - every• thing from memories of childhood sexual abuse to the residue of insensitive ex-lovers - will gradually dissolve. Just remember to continue breathing, feeling, and relaxing during the G-spot mas-

{87}

sage as emotions and memories arise, move through your body and heart, and disappear, bit by bit.

Once the G-spot area is freed of chronic tension, the whole vagina will respond differently to internal stimulation. If the man is able to stay erect for thirty to forty minutes, and if the penis and vagina are both positioned so the appropriate contact is made, intercourse can regularly involve deep and emotional G-spot or• gasms for most women.

A common pattern for many women is to experience a few clitoral orgasms and then a final, full G-spot or vaginal orgasm, which often signals the relaxed end of the sexual occasion. Some women enjoy experiencing clitoral stimulation and orgasm as preparation for a full-blown G-spot orgasm, whereas other women have no interest in or need for clitoral orgasm at all. Some women stop after one G-spot or vaginal orgasm, whereas others prefer to continue making love long after experiencing a G-spot or vaginal orgasm, perhaps enjoying multiple G-spot orgasms just as some women enjoy multiple clitoral orgasms.

It is sometimes easier for a man to learn to bring a woman to a G-spot or vaginal orgasm with his fingers before he tries with his penis. With his loving fingers, he can learn the internal terrain of his partner's vagina. He can learn the rhythm, depth of touch, and locations that most stimulate his partner's sexual energy. He can listen to her verbal feedback and use his fingers to orchestrate her energy into a profound openness of feeling and surrender. Then, when he uses his penis, he will have a much better sense of what to do.

No matter how perfect her lover's technique, a woman will not relax deeply enough to experience a G-spot orgasm un• less she trusts and opens to her own sexual energy as well as

{88}

her partner's. If she is afraid of being seen in the midst of pro• found pleasure, she will close down. If she is afraid of feeling or expressing too much emotion, she will close down. If her part• ner is insensitive and emotionally disconnected from her, she will hold herself back for lack of trust.

If she feels her partner is weak in his masculine direction in life - for instance, his financial or spiritual purpose is un• clear - she won't open to receive him completely. She will guard her feminine core in a subtle gesture of emotional independence, preventing a deep reception of love into her deepest parts and constricting her own expression of unbridled pleasure, surrender, and love.

For a really deep orgasm, a woman must trust her own sexual process - including bodily and vocal expressions of tremendous pleasure and the dark chaos of uncovered emotions - as well as her partner's integrity and his ability to embrace her pleasure and emotions. It is usually this fear of opening, rather than any purely physiological closure, that most limits a woman's profundity of orgasmic experience. Growing from clitoral to G-spot or vaginal orgasms is an important step for most women as they practice enlightened sex.

{89}

14 SURRENDER IN THE BLISS OF CERVICAL ORGASMS

For almost a month , I massaged the inside of her vagina with my fingers three or four times a week. At first, I would ca• ress her clitoral and G-spot areas, only occasionally going in deeper. But after some weeks of this, I began to focus on her cervical area.

"Ouch ! Stop, that hurts!" she exclaimed as I barely touched near her cervix. I slowly withdrew my fingers from her opening, and massaged her thighs until her readiness spoke itself. "OK , try again," she said. So I entered her, careful to feel her, careful not to impose my push on her vulnerable flesh or heart. I touched her gently, slowly, until she asked for more.

Eventually, as she relaxed over the weeks, I began mas• saging the area around her cervix. I slid my fingers carefully inside her, after kissing and touching and holding her, and administered my loving to her deep insides. It was as if years of resentment were coiled beneath her cervical landscape, years of fast men, shallow men, men of good intent but fearful hearts. As I touched her, week after week, the lay• ers of incomplete loving made their way to the surface. She shouted, hated, closed down , and pushed me away with the unwinding coils of her frustrated tolerance, which had been woun d tight from years of unfulfilling sexual infiltration.

Over time, her cervix began to trust me. It would greet my fingers with a kiss, a cervical smooch. I massaged the areas around it, near it, and also directly at the cervical opening. I

{90}

was able to, finally, palpate her cervix with repeated loving, as if I were rhythmically pressing a button to her secret trea• sure, waiting patiently for her hidden chambers to open and reveal their wealth.

And so she opened. After weeks of cautious de-stressing, she wanted me deep inside her, coaxing her cervix toward absolute surrender. I entered her with my finger and then my penis, stroking against her vaginal lips, across her clitoris, along her G-spot, but always and repeatedly meeting her cervix.

Finally, her deep vagina, her cervix, her uterus, her whole lower abdomen, begged for merger. Her cervix craved a one• ness it had avoided for years. It had been jilted, and so it withdrew, numbing itself to love, transferring its responsive power to its more shallow clitoral cousin. But now her cervix was empowered beyond the wounds of heart and fears of mind. My lover, previously unable to surrender to her own power of love, found herself grasped by her cervix, drawn through the hole of her resistance, and opened wide into a magnificence of feminine immensity that unfolded her soul into unbounded awe.

As I used my finger and penis to coax her cervix into abso• lute intensity, she opened out into a trust of God beyond her normal face of doubt. After an hour of loving, spontaneous, varied, and relentless imploring, she was sucked through the hourglass of her cervical doorway, spread out into the yawn• ing oh-my-god of nothing less than all, and made fresh as the heart beyond her hide of moods and needs.

Her cervical orgasms revealed to her the basis of her trust: the open all of love. No fear. No closure. No need of

{91}

promise and transient safety. The energy of ocean rolled her hips. The storm of love thundered her desire. As woman , no demand loomed larger than her love. She had known this all along. Every man and moment of her life only hampered or beckoned her immensity. And now, unprotected and cervically unfolded into the open of absolute fullness, her body echoed pleasure and abundance at every level.

Peals and weeps, oh's and confessions of unspoken love filled the space of our coupling. Her cervix dipping inward, sucking at the tip of my penis like a delicate bird of thirst, now growing into a great winged predator of fear. If I was holding back or less than true, she would feel me. Her sur• render demanded my entirety. Her cervical orgasm rendered all meager attempted gestures moot.

Beneath her tears and crazed surrender in love, a wideness beyond all body swallowed this moment' s spread. Gone in love. Gone in huge sex. Gone in the spacious oh of plea• sure. Naked and disappeared in her transparent waves of orgasmic endowment, we were alight as heavy love, her cervix opening out to brighten the moment' s disappearance into the eternal deep.