The Enlightened Sex Manual: Sexual Skills for the Superior Lover (13 page)

Another woman may be capable and desirous of deep orgasms, but her emotional fears may prevent them from oc• curring. Because her natural flow of energy is blocked, she will feel frustrated and empty, as if something is missing from her love life.

There are many reasons why an otherwise orgasmic woman may not experience an orgasm. Perhaps she is exhausted from a day's work. Perhaps she has a physical condition - an infection or injury - that prevents her energy from circulating fully.

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Very often, orgasms are blocked as the result of emotional re• sistance to surrender. If a woman doesn't trust her partner, then she won't let go completely. What makes a man (or masculine partner) trustable, sexually speaking? It is his strength and open• ness of consciousness and feeling. It is his capacity to remain fully present, aware, loving, passionate, sensitive, fierce, playful, and spontaneous while also assuredly bringing the sexual embrace to• ward ever-new ground and deeper communion.

If a man gets lost in his own sensations, a woman can't trust him. If a man is bulldozing toward an ejaculation, a woman can't trust him. If a man is afraid to take the sexual lead, or if he leads without remaining exquisitely sensitive to her needs, a woman can't trust him. She won't be able to let go-completely and allow unbridled energy to rip through her corpuscles and sinews, open• ing her to God knows where.

On the other hand, a man may be very trustable and still his partner may be afraid to open. She may automatically resist masculine sexual energy because she was abused - sexually or emotionally - by masculine energy as a child, perhaps by a fa• ther, brother, or acquaintance.

Alternatively, her mother may have seemed weak, manipu• lative, or unhappy, not an ideal example of genuine feminine power. Consequently, as an adult she may not trust - and may even reject - her own deep feminine strength, the oceanic im• mensity of her love, and her untamed passion and fury, preferring instead to cling to her own masculine style of strength, control, and self-protection.

If she lacks trust in either father or mother energy, she may remain emotionally protective and closed. She may fearfully limit her capacity to receive masculine love deeply into her open body

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and heart, or she may mistrust the enormous power of her own feminine wisdom and energy. Either way, she will prevent her natural orgasmic fullness.

Active
reception is an essential, but often resisted, gesture of sexuality. The masculine partner must learn to open and receive the energy - dark and light, wild and nurturing - of the femi• nine partner. Likewise, the feminine partner must consciously choose and actively open to receive deep masculine love-penetra• tion into her deepest heart and body if she is to dissolve in the fullness of love's obliteration.

If the feminine partner is unconsciously protecting her heart from receiving deep and penetrative masculine love, then she will be unable to relax. She will hold herself subtly separate from her partner's love and from openness itself. This emotional contrac• tion or fear of surrender prevents deeper orgasms. It sometimes prevents orgasms altogether. And it certainly prevents sexual heart-fulfillment, whether a woman has orgasms or not.

To allow full sexual pleasure to course through you, to allow yourself to be overwhelmed by unbearable pleasure, you must first trust pleasure itself, which means embracing both the mas• culine and feminine aspects of sexuality.

Fear of loss of control, fear of openness, fear of masculine penetration, fear of feminine immensity - all these forms of fear and more can prevent the fullness of your orgasmic response to love. Therefore, to really relax into your native orgasmic po• tential, practice clearing the possible obstructions in your body, breath, and emotions so you are able to fully surrender as your natural flow of energy and openness.

The way of the superior lover is to love. Actively. Enlightened sex uses creative and skillful means of breath, surrender, and

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energy to dissolve obstructions to your loving. Then you can re• lax more and more as natural openness and love. Eventually, or in any moment of full practice, you spontaneously live open as love, breathe as love, and move as love itself. In the face of this natural enormity of love, whether you orgasm or not hardly matters.

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Part Three: Variations

I remember one of the many times I received instruction from a woman about the different ways to stimulate sexual energy.

I was about sixteen years old, sitting in my mother's sta• tion wagon with my girlfriend. I had picked her up after school and we had driven to the beach. We sat in the car. Watched the ocean. Accidentally touched arms a few times. The silence was excruciating. Over the last several months, we had had sex a few times and made out a few more times, but it was weeks since we had seen each other. Finally we were together, alone, in a car.

After great deliberation, I reached over and held her hand in mine. I could hear her breathe a single deep breath, a sigh, really. I felt better. Yes. Holding her hand was the right thing to do. I had no idea what to do next.

She must have felt my eager dumbness. She said, "Can I show you something I really like?"

"Sure," I said, relieved that maybe I would now know what to do with her.

She sat back in the car seat as if preparing herself for some huge, overwhelming treat. I thought maybe she was about to re• veal a mysterious fondling technique that the girls talked about with great longing while they smoked cigarettes in the high school bathroom.

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I was still in the driver's seat of the parked car, holding her hand. She looked into my eyes and raised her eyebrows as if to say, 'Are you ready?"

She brought her right hand to hover over the inside of her left wrist. Then, ever so slowly and gently, she began stroking the entire length of the inside of her forearm, her fingertips barely touching her skin. From the inside of her wrist to the crook of her elbow, up and down, very, very slowly, she caressed herself.

Her eyes closed. Her pelvis started rocking. I felt useless. Stroking her own arm, she was eliciting more pleasure from her• self than I had ever seemed able to arouse with all my manly ministrations on top of her, beneath her, or behind her.

She took my free hand in hers and guided it to her forearm. She glided my fingertips slowly over the softness of the inside of her arm. Up and down, up and down, barely touching her silken flesh. When I got the hang of it, she released my hand. I was on my own. I continued stroking her arm. She seemed to sink further back into the passenger seat, licking her lips, rocking her pelvis, moaning from her belly.

On the one hand, I felt greatly relieved. This was easy. I could do this. If this was all it took to drive her crazy with pleasure, my days of confusion were over. On the other hand, I felt more befuddled than ever. How the heck would I have ever figured out that I was supposed to stroke the inside of her forearm to turn her on? What if she had never told me her secret? What other secrets wasn't she telling me?

Eventually, after I stroked her arm for about five minutes, she couldn't stand it any more. She pulled my face toward her and landed a kiss, a very wet one, flat on to my lips. Kissing I knew how to do. I put my arms around her and returned her sloppy

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mouthing, licking my tongue against hers. She pulled away and sat back. I wasn't sure, but she seemed disappointed. I must have done something wrong. But what?

I assessed the moment. What did I do to turn her off? For once, she didn't have to say anything. I figured it out: I had gotten lost in the fervor of our kissing and stopped stroking her arm.

I immediately tried to rectify my mistake. I quickly began caressing the inside of her forearm with my fingertips, just like she had shown me. But it was over. It wasn't working. The space between us hung static with nothing.

I continued to stroke her arm just like she showed me, but she remained stone cold. Who could blame her? My caresses were mechanical, bereft of feeling or subtlety. But worse, I was hoping to please her, hoping I was doing it right. I was being a good little boy, hoping for mommy's approval. I thought I was giving my girlfriend what she wanted, but what she wanted was the very thing I denied her.

I was slow to learn what she really wanted from me sexually. A few weeks later, we were making out, rolling around on the bed for quite a long time. Finally, feverish and panting, with wet lips and slut eyes, she asked, "What do you want me to do?"

'Whatever you want to do," I answered her.

"I will do anything you want. Anything!" she answered, hun• gry and hot-breathed.

"Well, I want you to do what
you
want to do," I answered. 'Anything, I'll do anything. I want to please you," she pleaded,

licking me all over, rubbing herself against me, waiting for my word of desire.

"Just be yourself. That's what pleases me," I answered, sure that she would appreciate my acceptance of her.

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Instead, she rolled away, went to the bathroom, and slammed the door shut.

Both in the car and in the bed, she wanted to feel me "know• ing" her, taking her to a new place of openness and pleasure. She wanted to transfer the lead to me, so she could let go of being in charge and fully surrender in the pleasure of love. But in the car, I got lost in the energy of her kiss, and she could no longer trust my consciousness, sensitivity, or bearing. And when she asked for my "command" in bed, I threw the choice of direction back on her, making her decide for herself what she wanted. But this was exactly
not
what she wanted.

Growing up, I was raised to treat boys and girls, men and women, equally. To me, that meant treating them the same. I simply had no idea that in intimacy, sameness is not sexy. It was a while until I learned that magnetic sexual polarity is based on the attractive play between masculine and feminine forces, which are equal in power, but also very
different.
Sex is the play of their dif• ferences, their push and pull, their interpenetration, union, and pleasurable unity. But a mushy soup of neutered sameness is not the basis for sexual play.

The masculine in each person sees the big picture and remem• bers its real purpose, and thus is able to direct where things are going. The feminine in each person is the force of life itself, moving through the body, the earth, the sea, and the wind. Revealing itself through sensual flow, it is the energetic force of nature and aliveness.

My girlfriend had wanted to relax in her feminine, surren• dering to love, allowing love's wild light to dance her body wide open, enjoying the delicious flow of energy moving between our hearts. Sometimes she grew tired of being in her masculine, al• ways directing me. Sometimes she wanted me to take the rudder

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so she could flow freely as the wind and waves, undulating in sensual pleasure, not having to concern herself with what to tell me to do next.

Sometimes she wanted to be ravished, to let go and trust that I would lead us beyond our limitations into a bliss of loving that ex• ceeded anything she could tell me to do. Sometimes her feminine power had the opportunity to manifest most fully when I took the lead, allowing her the freedom to radiate love absolutely through every cell, without having to compromise her shine because I wasn't conscious enough to take us deeper in sexual loving.

Technique is nothing without the play between the forces of trustable masculine consciousness and untamed feminine energy. Whether gay or straight, unless two partners are willing to play in the
differences
between masculine and feminine, sexual polarity and attraction will disappear, even if they love each other.

Enlightened sex involves magnifying the attractive differ• ences and distances between these two powers so they slingshot through one another in a blissful interpenetration, the "fuck" of eternal unity recognizing itself.

Either partner can play either side of the polarity, in same-sex and opposite-sex relationships. A woman may enjoy playing the masculine. A man may enjoy playing the feminine. Partners can alternate polarities every few minutes, or play one style of polarity most of the time. But if there isn't an attractive mascu• line-feminine difference between partners at times, then sexual polarity eventually becomes neutralized, and the various tech• niques for stimulation and pleasure become reduced to friendly, feel-good massage therapy. For some people, this is enough.

However, for most men and women, neutered stimulation is fine on occasion but not a substitute for full-blown sexual

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polarity in love. Most people want to be sexually aroused, ravished, and undone in the resplendent bliss of "Oh my God!" - whose effulgence is sourced in the loveplay of unbridled masculine and feminine forces.

The masculine-playing partner cultivates the capacity to give the gift of trustable, all-pervading presence, so his or her partner feels deeply entered, sensitively known, and blissfully ravished by the directional love-force of consciousness. The feminine partner cultivates the capacity to give the gift of untamed expressions of pleasure and devotional heart-yearning, so his or her partner feels irresistibly attracted beyond separate self into the radiant bliss of real love.

If the masculine partner's presence wavers, then the feminine partner loses trust, guards herself emotionally, and can't enjoy the bliss of opening her body and heart fully as the offering of feminine love.

If the feminine partner's radiance diminishes - so that body and heart close, ripples of pleasure decrease, and emotional ex• pression becomes muted - then the masculine partner is stuck in the realm of head and tail, bereft of full-bodied, heart-given sensual energy, unattracted beyond his own self-controlled de• tachment or selfish stimulation.

Knowing a wide range of techniques for stimulation helps to expand the ways you play your masculine and feminine forces in intimacy. While stimulating sexual energy, practice to remain present with your partner, connected in love, allowing pleasure to flow freely throughout your
whole
body as well as your partner's. Learn the techniques that best serve to magnify energy and open the offering of love in your relationship, however unfamiliar a method may seem.