Sacrifice (7 page)

Next week came as I prepared to show the court that I was a fit mother. The big day finally arrived. The foster parents brought up every skeleton in my closet that they knew of.

“She was eighteen when she had her, and she gave her up because she was not ready and she was supposed to get her back in nine months, but instead she chose to sell her body to men, got on drugs and forgot about her daughter. So I took her in like my own and protected her from her.”

She almost broke me there but I was not willing to let her get the best of me.

“Yes I was eighteen when I had my baby. I gave her up because I was convinced that I was not ready to take care of her. I got lost in selling my body, I chose wrong and thought I was in love. At that point I was vulnerable, desperate for someone to love me because I felt like I had never been loved. Not even my own mother or my father loved me.” I sighed then went on, “I love my daughter. Everything I’ve done was because I wanted the easiest and fastest way to get her back but instead I got lost. But I will never stop fighting for her, she is the reason I turned my life around. She is why I am doing everything I’m supposed to be doing, and I will continue to do just that. I refuse to go home without my daughter, not again,” I walked off the stand with tears streaming down my face.

“Good job,” Charles whispered.

We went back and forth in court and the jury saw I was consistent and ready to take care of my daughter. I finally won with the help of Charles.

“Oh my god we won!” I screamed as I hugged Charles while inside the court house, rejoicing about the fact that we won the battle.

“You have no idea what you just did, you’re taking your child away from the people who truly love her,” her foster mother said.

“Don’t sit here and tell me about love, the love you have for the money is what is making you believe that you love my child. You might care a lot, and I thank you for that, but you will never love my child the way I do.”

“How can you love someone when you don’t even love yourself?”

“Putting them first, loving them before you love yourself.”

“Why am I even worried? She will be back at home soon because she doesn’t know you as a mother. You’re only going to make her miserable taking her away from us. She is almost 3! Yeah, she will be back.”

“I know I messed up, but I am willing to do whatever to make her happy. I only hoped you could have told my daughter who her real mother was and let me see her more often,” I said almost crying.

“Honey come on let’s go, she will be back soon,” her husband said as they walked away.

“I hope you’re not listening to them losers, you just won your daughter back and that is all that matters,” Charles said.

“Yes that is all that matters. I just hope my daughter doesn’t resent me for trying to do the best for her.”

“She is your daughter, and it’s not going be a smooth road but things will get better with time.”

“Ok, thank you.”

I took my daughter home and she cried constantly. She didn’t want to eat or talk to me. All she kept saying was, “I want to go home.”

“You are home!”

“Noooo,” she said as she kept crying.

I tried everything I knew to make her stop crying, but she wouldn’t and she refused to eat. All she did was cry. It made me question myself.

“Did I sign up for this? Do I really want to go through this or put her through this?” I called Charles.

“Hello?” he said.

“I don’t even know how to be her mother,” I said as I started crying, “I think it will be best if I give her back to them since she thinks they are her real parents.”

“Wait what are you talking about Rachael?”

“I just want her happy and I also want the best for her, so I’m giving her back tomorrow and that is final,” I said and hung up before he could get another word in.

“You want your mommy back?” I said to Ella when I returned back to her room. She nodded her head yes.

“Ok come help me pack your stuff.”

She ran towards me anxious to pack which hurt. I knew it wasn’t her fault she didn’t want to be with me, it was my fault for giving her up in the first place so I couldn’t blame her for choosing her temporary mom.

“I’m going home?” she asked.

“Yes honey you are,”

“Thank you,” she said.

She made me feel like I kidnapped her when all I tried to do was let her know who her real mother was. I then had to live with the fact that I made the wrong choice.

              The phone started ringing. I knew who it was so I ignored it.

“The phone is ringing,” she said.

“Ok sweetie, let me go see who it is,” I said as I finally got up to answer it.

“What is wrong with you?” Charles said as I picked up the phone

“Nothing.”

“So you mean to tell me you’re giving her up again?”

“Don’t say that. I didn’t decide that, she did.”

“Don’t you hear yourself? You’re acting like she is a toy you bought from the store and now you’re returning it because it wasn’t the one you expected to get. What was the point of fighting that hard then? For fun? To prove to yourself?”

“Keeping her here with me is hurting her and I don’t want to keep doing that to her,” I said crying.

“She is your child for God sake!”

I didn’t have anything else to say. I just sighed.

“You know what your problem is?” he went on, “You’re irresponsible, you don’t know how to be responsible for no one, not even yourself, or better yet you don’t want to be responsible because you had been free from her for so long. Now you don’t know where to start, so you’d rather ship her back to her foster parents instead of working it out.”

“You don’t fucking know me so spare me the insults.”

“You’re right, I don’t know you and all you have been through, but I do know that you are about to make the biggest mistake you will regret for the rest of your life.”

“This is not my choice, she keeps crying that she wants to go home and it makes me feel like I am punishing her and holding her against her will.”

“First of all, she is home and she is a child, ‘your’ child so she doesn’t get to make a decision for herself at the age of three. She is the child and you are the mother so you need to wake up and smell the damn coffee and take responsibility for your actions.”

I sighed again knowing he was right, “But I don’t know where to start.”

“Try and keep her calm, I’m on my way.”

“Ok thank you,” I said.

I looked in her room to see her sitting next to her stuff ready to go. I didn’t know how to tell her I changed my mind so instead, I went to the living room to wait on Charles. I felt relieved to see Charles at my front door. He flashed a disappointed look at me when I opened the door and walked in to see Ella standing in the living room when she heard the doorbell.

“Hey honey, I got something for you,” Charles said as she ran to him with joy and embraced him.

“Come open your gift.”

“Ok,” they both sat on the floor to open her gift, and I sat on the couch and watched them.

“I am going home tomorrow,” she said.

“Open your gift and see what I got for you,” he said, ignoring what she just said. She ripped the gift wrap off her present to see what he had got for her.

“A doll house?” she said in disbelief.

“You like it?”

“Yes thank you!” she said as she hugged him.

“You’re welcome sugar; now play with your new present while I talk to your mom ok?”

She looked up at me then said, “Ok.”

Charles signaled me to meet him in the other room.

“See, she is happy to be going home.”

“She is home.”

“Tell that to her.”

“Look, I didn’t come here to have this conversation; I came here to help you. Now you just have to be patient with her to make this work.”

“Ok but I need your support.”

“I’m here now, just don’t let us have this discussion on you giving her away ever again ok?”

“Ok.”

“This is the time to flex your muscles. I know you will pull through this, if you start acting like the mother that you really are,” he advised.

“Ok I will.”

              From that day forward he helped me bond with Ella. We did everything together. Ella never wanted to be alone with me. She didn’t even want me to do anything for her at all; I couldn’t comb her hair or take her to the park, nothing. Charles had to take over my responsibilities as a parent and I couldn’t blame anyone but myself. I tried and I tried but she still saw me as the person who stole her from her family.

The more time Charles spent with us, the more he began to fall in love with the person he says I am.  In due time, he became part of the family and he popped the question, which I accepted for the sake of Ella.

“You’re so beautiful and I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

“I love you too,” I said knowing deep in my heart I didn’t love him the way he loved me.

“So will you marry me?”

I sighed and looked at him.

“I just want to start by saying thank you once again for making my daughter feel comfortable, and I know she will love it if you stick around forever, so yes I will marry you.”

“So is that the reason you want to marry me?”

“Does it matter why I want to marry you? Just be happy that I said yes.”

“It’s not good enough for me.”

“Yes, I want to marry you for me how about that?” I said as I kissed him. I know I couldn’t love him because my heart was buried elsewhere, forever. “Now get cleaned up for dinner, it’s almost ready.”

“So when are you going to tell Ella?” he asked.

“We can tell her now,” I responded not having much thought in having something special for marrying the man I didn’t even love.

“You don’t want to take her to a special place to tell her?”

“Ella is going to be happy regardless of where we take her.”

“Why am I getting the feeling that you’re only accepting to marry me for the sake of your daughter?”

“Charles, you don’t know what you’re talking about, please just leave it alone,” I said as I walked out of the room to finish dinner.

I sat in the dining room and looked at Ella sitting across from me, and thought it was the right time to tell her.

“Guess what sweetie?”

“What?” she said as she kept stuffing her face.

“Charles and I are getting married.”

“So I’m gonna be your dad,” Charles said.

“So you never gonna leave?” Ella asked.

“Nope, I’m part of the family now for good, so what do you think?”

“Yay!” she said as she got up and hugged him, “I love you” she said and sat back down without even looking my way.

“I love you too sugar,” I knew right then I would never get the bond I wanted from her.

I sat at the dining room table with them both excited about the wedding and throwing out ideas. I felt invisible.

“What do you think Rachael?” Charles asked.

“Good idea,” I said holding in my pain. I pretended that whole night I was happy, just the way I pretended I loved him when I said my vows on our wedding day to him.

It started to get to me as the days, months and years went by that I was married to a man I didn’t love, but I was married to him for the sake of my child.
Charles made me stop working and moved us to his mansion. It would get lonely in that large mansion when Charles would go to work and Ella to school. I stayed home and did the same things the next day that I did the previous day; watch TV, clean and sleep. Sometimes I would get my hair and nails done but nothing filled in the void of my pain.

My treatment ended up becoming alcohol. I became addicted. The alcohol numbed my pain until I was sober again. At first, I would deliberately mask my addiction, but eventually the signs were obvious to Ella and Charles.

“You need to stop this habit of yours, I’m not going to let you do that in front of her,” Charles said.

“I’m not, so leave me alone.”

“I don’t want you doing it period. I refuse to come home to kiss my wife, and all I smell is liquor on your breath? Stop it,” he said as he walked away.

“You know what? All my life, people have been trying to make decisions for me and I am sick of it. Leave me alone, I am not in the mood!”

“I wonder why anyone would want to make decisions for you when you sit here all day and drink!” 

“Don’t judge me Charles!”

“I’m not; I just want to help you! It’s not good for Ella to see you like this! You two already don’t get along and I think you should work on that instead of drinking your life away.”

“There is nothing that I can do that will show her how much I love her,” I said as I held back my tears.

“It’s one thing to love, and it’s another to show that you care. You need to show her you care about her.”