Sacrifice (6 page)

“How could he use the love I have for him against me?”

Tears dripped out of my eyes pondering the things he said earlier, “I hope he is happy.”

I went to work that day feeling highly disturbed, but secured knowing I wanted to do whatever I could to make him happy. So from that day forward I started giving myself to men to please the man I loved. I started drifting away from getting myself together to get Ella back, my lifestyle started to show. Still, I surely visited Ella every now and then. When Ella’s foster parents saw me, they complained about my lifestyle.

“You can’t be seeing your child like this.”

“Like what?” I said.

“Everybody knows what you do and I thought the reason we took her from you was for you to get your life together.”

“Oh, all of a sudden people know me? Now that I’m doing bad; well for your information, I am getting myself together and getting my child soon, it’s passed nine months already.”

“I know because she will be one next week.”

“I…I know that,” I said stuttering because I had forgotten Ella’s birthday. “And I will be here on her birthday.”

“I don’t think you should, I think you should focus on getting yourself together.”

“Don’t tell me what I should do when it comes to my child, I will be here for her birthday.”

“If you say so.”

“What day?”

“Saturday, at noon.”

“Ok, I will be here earlier to help set up.”

“We already have that covered.”

“Ok so what do you need from me for her birthday?”

“Nothing.”

“You don’t need any extra money?”

“Trust me we don’t need your dirty money.”

“Don’t judge me because you don’t know me,” I said going back in my defense mode.

“I would love to keep it that way and if I could have my way, you would never set foot in my house.”

“Mmm, wow I will make that happen for you soon I promise.”

“Let’s see how that will work out.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Just be here if you can, if not she will understand I’m sure,” she slammed the door in my face.

“Ok,” I said knowing that she didn’t want me there. But this was my child and my goal was not to miss her first birthday.

I went to see her on her birthday and Ella treated me like I wasn’t her mother. She cried for her temporary mother to rescue her from me. It pained my heart every time she rejected me. I couldn’t hold my focus on the streets constantly thinking about Ella rejecting me. Latif started to provide drugs for me to help ease the pain of Ella’s resentment, so he proclaimed. The drugs consumed my body and soul as it relieved my pain from the rejection of my daughter. I became a drug addict; my world was all about Latif and drugs. My work ethic sky rocketed then Latif handed me a key to a two bedroom house. He constantly provided for me when I did well. It stopped bothering me for a while that I was losing my child. I had become addicted to the fast lifestyle. The money, my man’s love and affection, were all emotional highs for me, until it all fell apart.

One afternoon, one of Latif’s clients canceled, so I decided to go home and surprise him. I walked into the house and I heard some light mumbling. As I drew closer and closer to the mumbling, the words became clear. I heard him tell another woman everything he used to tell me. “I love you baby, you’re my everything.” but when he said, “I never will regret the day I made you my wife,” I reacted in a way that words couldn’t describe. That also was the first day he put his hands on me as the other woman watched and walked out with him when he was done. I felt ashamed, used and betrayed as I cried with misery. I couldn’t sleep, eat or leave the house. All I wanted to do was stay in bed, hoping that it was all a nightmare. I was miserable, reflecting on how my life slowly fell apart. I felt so incomplete because I knew how much I still loved him regardless of the circumstances. I called him to try to work things out and I got sent to a voicemail.

“Did he just ignore my call?” I panicked, thinking that I was about to lose him for good. I called him over and over again hoping he would pick up.

“What’s up?” after so many calls. I was shocked that he answered the way he did. “What’s up?” he repeated.

“So that’s it? You’re done with me now?” I said as tears dripped down my eyes, waiting on his response.

“I mean it’s not like that Shorty, I like you and all and you good at what you do to keep us satisfied, but she is my wife and also the mother of my two kids, so you know I can never fallout from her.”

“Your wife and kids?” I asked as my heart beat out of control knowing I had been living a lie with him.

“I am sorry.”

“Oh you’re sorry?”

“I am.”

“So what about me? What about how I feel? Do you even care?”

“I mean of course I do. We can still work together and be friends.”

“Friends huh?”

“It’s not like that shorty, I mean I am sorry for not letting you know about her, but it was for the best.”

“For who?”

“For you”

“How was it the best for me?”

“Cause I know how you feel about me and I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“Too late.”

“Yeah I know, I am sorry for that and I am also sorry for putting my hands on you, I was angry for getting so caught up.”

“Yeah whatever.”

“I’m serious, I mean I do care for you and all but I just can’t leave my wife for nobody.”

“So do you love her?”

“What?”

“Do you love her?”

“Yo, what kind of question is that?”

“Just answer the damn question because I’m sick of you lying about everything.”

“Hell I don’t know, I guess.”

“You guess? So you don’t know if you love her?”

“Man come on, I don’t feel like talking about that right now.”

“You know what? I am pleased with your answer because you made me realize that you can never love anybody but yourself.”

“You don’t know anything, you just talking,” he said exposing that I was getting on his nerves already.

I kept pushing and wanted to know how he really felt about his so called wife. Deep down, I knew he had no spot for me in his heart.

“So you mean to tell me you don’t love her?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Then tell me.”

“So, you’re FBI now?”

“Just answer the question.”

“Well for your information, the person that got my heart ain’t you so leave it alone Rachael,” his words were harsh as I fought back the tears that almost fell.

“Fuck you Latif!”

“I bet you do,” he said laughing.

“You know what I don’t even think you were born with a heart. That explains why you don’t love anyone.”

“I do have a heart and I love my kids.”

“Of course you do, you made them.”

“And I also made you,” he said still taking me as a joke.

“No, you made a hoe!”

“Well if that’s what you call yourself.”

“I have never hated anybody the way I hate you right now,” I said with anger.

“Ooh very harsh, don’t be mad that it isn’t you that has my heart.”

“I’m not mad anymore thanks to you. But I do think the reason you are with her is because that is the only way you will see your kids, whom you love.”

“You don’t know what the fuck you talking about Rachael.”

“Oh I don’t, really? So here’s a question for you. Did she trap you?”

“I don’t have to listen to your nonsense, I am out,” he said as he hung up the phone in my face.

I could tell I struck a nerve because he texted me, “Get your shit and get the fuck out of my house.”

“With pleasure,” I said with pride, but not knowing where to go once I left. I packed my bags anyway and threw them in the car with the money I saved. I had nobody to turn to so I sat in the car and plotted my next move. A motel room was an option, but my money would only last for so long. I also had to account for gas to get around and find a new job, because I was afraid to go back to my old job knowing they would be disappointed with the decision I had made for myself. I drove to see my daughter knowing it would make me feel better and sure enough, the foster mom wouldn’t let me see her.

“You lost her when you decided to start selling your body,” she said with disgust.

“Please, I don’t have time for this, just let me see my daughter,” I was fighting back my tears all in reflection of the past seven or eight months in hopes to see my daughter.

“Over my dead body and she is not your child anymore.”

“That was not the deal we made when I gave my child to you!” I said as tears finally fell.

“Well you broke the rule and abandon her when you started doing that nonsense.”

“Look here lady, this is my fucking child and you cannot tell me when to see her or not.”

“Yes I can, and by the way, you’re too close right now because I have a restraining order on you.”

“Are kidding me right now?”

“Absolutely not, see you in court knowing you will lose anyway because you are unfit mother.”

She slammed the door in my face and gave me confirmation that everything was falling apart on this beautiful sunny Wednesday. I walked away with tears knowing I wouldn’t be seeing my child today as I went back to where I started; the motel. I stayed there without coming out for a long time. I slowly but surely started to come back to my senses. I stopped using drugs because Latif wasn’t there to provide them. Going through withdrawals felt worse than being on drugs in the first place. I thought I was going to die as my body ached like a Hebrew slave with sweat falling through my body like I was taking a hot shower.

Chapter 5

Ella became the reason I didn’t give up on myself. I became dead to the world but alive for my child. Hiding underneath my skin, ashamed of what I had become didn’t help me get through things.

I had nobody to turn to. This was the time I needed my mother the most. I had nowhere else to turn, so I swallowed my pride aside and drove to her house. She gasped with surprise to see me standing there on her front porch crying, as she let me in with her nose up high to the sky.

“Mama please help me,” I got on my knees as if I were begging for her mercy as she looked at me like I was someone else’s child. “I’m lost Mama; I don’t know what to do or how to get my child back,” I cried in hopes that she would take me back knowing I had a child. I took a good look at her while crying, waiting for her response and I noticed she looked different. She was skinner than when I last saw her. Under her eyes were even darker and it looked like her hair was falling out compared to when I last saw her. She looked so miserable that I felt sorry for her and snapped out of my emotions knowing I wasn’t the only one that needed help here. I knew we could help each other if she was willing to take me back in.

“What do you want from me?” she said scrunching her nose at me, due to my putrid smell for refusing to take a shower out of stress and the act of feeling useless.

“Mama I am homeless and I can’t get your granddaughter Ella back, I have nobody else to turn to, please help me.” I held on to her legs begging for mercy as tears ran down my face. She moved her feet from my hands as I got closer not giving up, “Mama please!”

“Why am I just now hearing that you have a child, better yet that you were pregnant? Hmmm, I didn’t even know you were having sex.”

I stood quiet not knowing what to say.

“Is that why you ran away? Is that why you left me here to suffer, feeling like I have lost my only child, huh? ANSWER ME!” she screamed as I jumped back.

“No, no!” I said crying.

“Then why?” I said nothing, “Well I don’t know what you want from me now after all you have put me through.”

“Like what Mama?” I said standing up to her, “You probably barely noticed I was gone, you didn’t care when I was here so why would you have cared when I finally left to give you the freedom you wanted from me?”

“The time I needed freedom from you was when you were born, I couldn’t get that then so what makes you think I cared about freedom now?”

“Why didn’t you just give me away to save yourself the trouble?”

“Oh like you did?”

I wanted to rip her apart with the anger that brewed in me when she spoke those words. But instead, I cried with anger as I thought of how she could’ve known that I gave my child away.

“Well believe me; I would have if I had the choice too. Now leave, I can’t help you.”

My heart collapsed hearing my mother talk to me like that.

“I am sorry for everything I have ever done to you to make you hate me this much. I am sorry on behalf of my donor. I am sorry for everything because I know there has to be something that happened to you to keep hatred deep inside you so that the ones around you will suffer, including your only child!” I shook my head as tears came down my eyes, “You’re my mother and I will always love you and I hope you forgive me one day for something I know I didn’t do.”

She kept silent while turning her back on me as I walked outside knowing I had just lost my mother for good this time.

‘How did this happen?’ I said to myself, ‘How did I lose my mother, my child and my man? I have nobody!’ I cried out loud to myself. I sat in my mother’s parking lot and cried until I was satisfied. Anger grew in me as I called Latif and said, “I don’t care what you say but I am living in that house. I’m going to pay the bills until my money runs out if I don’t get a job by then.”

“You ain’t got money to pay for nothing.”

“That goes to show how dumb you are. You thought I was giving you all the money? Boy you are truly stupid.”

“Excuse me?”

“Yeah you heard me. So I’m staying there till I get my stuff together because you did this to me.”

“Fine, just pay the bills then because I am not going to be able to help you unless you start working for me again.”

“Ha that will never happen, bye.”

“Wai...” I hung up before he even said anything and drove to that hell hole of a house, even though it didn’t feel like home anymore.

I sat in the living room in pain, reminiscing about losing my mother and my man. It all went down so fast, it hurt like hell knowing I had no chance to retaliate, but I was determined to fight for my daughter. I started calling different lawyers inquiring about hiring one to get my daughter back. I finally got in touch with a lawyer whom I was comfortable enough to pour out my situation.

“The only way you can get your daughter back is to prove to the judge that you are a fit mother for your child.”

“How?” I asked.

“First of all, you have to get yourself together because this is a win or lose situation, and there’s no guarantee that you will win. Also, you need a legal, stable job to show the judge you can take care of her financially.”

“I don’t do that anymore,” I said feeling offended that he was already using my story against me.

“I know, but I just have to let you know as your lawyer, believe me I’m on your side. Don’t let things I tell you offend you because I am only telling you things that will help us win this case.”

“Ok,” I said.

“And lastly, you have to go to this class. It’s for parents who have lost their children and it’ll teach you to be a better mother. It will help a great deal if the judge sees how consistent you are attending this class.”

“Ok thank you. So what is my first move?”

“Start looking for a job and you can start the class next week. What is your email so I can send everything to you?”

“
[email protected]
.
”

“Ok. I will send that information to you.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Talk to you soon.”

“Ok bye,” I responded then hung up.

I took in all his words and was willing to put  in the work. For the next week, nobody would hire me because, well, my resume had true facts. 

“Girl you cannot be telling them the truth about your resume,” my neighbor said.

I let her in on my job situation while walking home from my interview; I surely knew they weren’t going to hire me.

“So what do I do?”

“Come in and let me help you with it,” said my neighbor as we went inside her house.

I gave her my resume and she completely turned it around. It landed me a job at the Double Tree Hotel as a Front Desk Specialist. Upon getting that job, I realized that sometimes, the truth wasn’t worth telling. It was very hard adjusting to working at the hotel. I was on my feet for 8 hours pondering about going back to the life style I was used too, but the only thing that kept me fighting for better was Ella.

I started working 5 days a week, going to the class twice a week and reporting everything back to my lawyer.

After a while for not paying the mortgage, they finally kicked me out. It didn’t bother me because the house was in his name and was repossessed anyways. I moved into a two bedroom apartment and designed my daughter’s room the way I had always wanted mine; pink and black with the cartoon characters Princess Jasmine from Aladdin. I left my room plain and spent most of my money buying stuff for when I won Ella back. I knew that eventually Ella would be mine again because I was living right. I was working without calling out and I stopped talking to outside influences, which happened to be easy because I had no friends or family. My best friend became my lawyer; somewhat.

“If you really wanted your daughter back, giving up wouldn’t be an option.”

Every time I was on the edge of giving up, he would remind me of what I was fighting for. He pushed me towards the better things in life, and subsequently, I became so close to him that I started talking to him about personal matters.

“Do you have a wife?” he was caught off guard.

“N...no.”

“Any kids?”

“Nope.”

              “Why don’t you have a wife or kids?” I asked, shocked.

“I haven’t met the right one yet.”

Curiously, I asked, “What is the definition of the right one for you?” I was hoping he wouldn’t get tired of me asking questions.

“Umm, a respectful person who is not selfish, who is independent with a loving heart, has self-respect and a woman with a great personality.”

“You know you just described me right,” I said half joking as he laughed.

“Oh yeah?”

              “Well I just gained my self-respect back working with you, and I’m getting more and more independent, and the rest of the stuff you described is natural, I was born with it!” I laughed.

“Oh yeah?” he said as he laughed with me.

“Yup!”

“That’s good to hear; now I got to add you to the list.”

“I should be the only woman on that list.”

“Matter of fact, I am changing it right now,” we both laughed.

“I finally heard you joke about something and it makes me feel good.”

“I know, I take my work seriously and you know, sometimes you can’t just joke with anybody so I have always kept it professional.”

“I understand.” 

Since then, we became glued to the phone; we talked about my daughter, my life and his life, but mostly about mine. A few days later we went to dinner together and I got more curious.

“So you’re thirty two with no kids or wife, how do your parents feel about that?”

“Nothing,” he said with no feelings. 

“So they don’t care about you not giving them a daughter in law and grandkids?”

“They would if they were still alive.”

“I had no idea, I am very sorry.”

“It’s ok,” his voice went sour.

“How did they die, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Well actually my dad is still alive, but he is dead to me,” his tone was very depressing, it made me want to stop asking questions, but I couldn’t.

“Why would you say that?”

“He killed my mother.”

“Oh my, I’m so sorry about that.”

“Don’t be sorry, things happen.”

The look on his face was so disturbing. I could feel he was holding stuff in, so I wanted to see if I could get him to confide in me, my curiosity was out of control.

“How did he kill her, if you don’t mind me asking and please feel free not to answer if you don’t want to.”

“Oh no it’s ok, he was drinking while driving.”

“How?” I whispered feeling his pain.

“Twenty two years ago when I was twelve, I got in trouble. My mother made me stay home on her birthday and she made the nanny watch me so her and my father could go to dinner. My dad had already been drinking, and he was past his limit as always. He insisted on driving since it was my mother’s birthday. So he took her away that day and that was the last time I set my eyes on my mother.  I never saw her again.”

“Wow that sounds painful, I am so sorry about that.”

“It is painful, but the pain slowly heals as the years go by.”

“How did you cope with the fact you have no mother?

“I didn’t really, I got tired of crying. Then I started blaming my father for killing my mother which made me better over time. It obviously didn’t make his life any easier.”

“Wow, so have you talked to him since?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you think you will ever forgive him?”

“One day maybe when he is dead.”

“That is not nice.”

“It’s wasn’t nice when he started dating less than a month after my mom died. He didn’t give me time to heal; instead he started dating and never stopped drinking.”

“Well maybe he was doing that so he wouldn’t feel that he was responsible for her death.”

“Right, he wasn’t thinking about me and what I was going through, it was always about him.”

“You couldn’t possibly believe that.”

“I lived with him; I didn’t have a choice but to believe him because I was right there.”

“I am so sorry you had to go through that.”

“It’s alright, its life.”

“Right, life must go on no matter what the situation is or was.”

“Yup, anyways, we should be leaving any minute now, I got to stop by the office and do some work.”

“Is that how you’ve been coping?”

“Sometimes, but that is not why I’m going to the office.”

“Ok.”

“We’ll talk later and don’t forget court is next week, so let’s get in there and do some damage.”

“I like that because I’m so ready to get her back and start my own family.”

“That’s the spirit. I’m looking forward to it so let’s go get it.”