Sacrifice (8 page)

I went silent as Charles held on to me when tears started coming down my face.

“It’s going to be ok, just put in the effort and you will see the results,” he said.

“I was never like this Charles; I don’t know how my life ended up this way.”

“Your life hasn’t ended yet, you still have plenty of time to change it, it’s never too late Rachael,” he drew closer to me. “If you can’t do it for yourself, then try and do it for your daughter like you have done everything else for her. She’s a freshman now, she is not a child anymore she knows what’s going on so please stop it.”

“Did she call you to tell you about her first day in school yet?”

“Nope, how did she get there?”

“The bus picked her up in front of the house. They will drop her off in front of the house afterwards.”

“I need you to get rid of all this liquor and any empty bottles.”

“I don’t keep any empty bottle in the house”

“Full or empty, get rid of it.”

“Well, at least let me finish the bottles I have and I will never drink again,” I said with a little smile. Deep inside, I panicked at the thought of trying to stop drinking overnight.

“No! What for?”

“You’re making me stop for good and you can’t even grant me just one wish?”

“It’s not a wish,” he said as he sighed. “Fine, go ahead, and I never want to see another bottle of liquor in this house.”

“Ok, done.”

“Wait, how many bottles do you have?”

I was afraid to answer that.

“Umm, you want the truth?”

“Rachael, don’t play with me.”

“Ok, only three.”

“Only? Where are the bottles?”

“Why?”

“Rachael where are the bottles?”

“They’re underneath our bed.”

He went underneath our bed and pulled out three large bottles of Hennessey. He took two with him, and proceeded to pour them out into the sink.

“Oh my God you’re wasting good liquor!”

“I know. Here, you only need half,” I sighed as I grabbed the half bottle from him.

“Thank you,” I said with an attitude.

“It’s for your own good,” he said as he kissed me, “I got to go back to the office, I’ll see you shortly.”

“Ok,” I sat down and drank my last bottle as I closed my eyes and thought about life.

Ella

I used to just watch my mother drink her life away. It hurt me to think that I was the reason she developed her habit. I never had a chance to choose my mother, I never begged her to take me away from my adopted parents. She insisted.

“How was school?” she said as she opened her eyes to see me standing in the living room looking at her with disgust. She was intoxicated.

“Not bad at all.”

“That’s good sweetie, wow you’re a freshman now.”

“I know.” 

“I am so proud of you,” she said smiling.

“Quit acting like you care mommy, it really pisses me of,” I said as I walked towards my room.

She got up and followed and asked, “Excuse me?”

“You heard me mommy.”

“Little girl you better watch your mouth you ungrateful bastard,” she looked like she was appalled at what just came out of her own mouth.

“How can you tell me to watch my mouth but you’re so quick to curse up a storm?”

“Because I am your mother and I can do that.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“You know what you pissing me off, get out!”

“Glad too,” I said as I walked to my room.

I hated the sight of her. I felt bad for her because she’s my mother, but I can’t stand the fact that she drinks. I heard she was never the one to drink, and that it was always her own mother who would drink. I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. She came into my room.

“You know what, you should be lucky to have a mother like me, who loves and cares for you, unlike my mother.”

“Should I?”

“What is wrong with you? It’s like whatever I do is never enough and you’re always so disrespectful to me.”

“Because you don’t act like a mother and you’re embarrassing.”

“How?”

“Mommy, you sit in that black rocking chair and drink your life away!” she yelled then got silent.

“Is that why you hate me?”

“No, I don’t hate you at all, I just don’t like your ways. I am only fourteen and I see my mother drinking while my dad comes home and takes care of me.”

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“Try me,” I said as she sat next to me.

“I don’t know how to be a mother; you never gave me the chance to. My mother didn’t teach me anything. She never even saw you or wanted to meet you.”

“That’s her loss.”

“I know. Every time I try stepping up as a mother to you, you cry and ask for Charles.”

“My dad?” Which is what I called him because he is the only father I knew and I dare not call him a stepfather because he is way more than that.

“Yes your dad. So I just stepped back to make you happy, which is why I started drinking.”

“You started drinking because me?” I felt bad hoping she would say no.

“No sweetie, not because of you. It’s just my selfish way of blocking out all my problems so I wouldn’t have to deal with things momentarily.”

“But I’m a child; you could have done something instead of giving up. All I see every day is you sitting in that chair and drinking.”

“Yeah I know. It’s like I gave up on myself when nothing went my way.”

“That is not a good example mommy.”

“I know, but I can change if you promise to stop giving me a hard time.”

“I don’t mean to mommy, and I can’t promise you it will stop, because all my life I have always thought you resented me because your mother resented you.”

“Oh no baby, your mother is just a weak link who can’t face reality when it’s staring her right in her face. I guess all I have ever done was run away from all my problems and hide, but I promised Charles I would stop drinking after today.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you and I don’t want…” I cut her off before she finished.

“No, I didn’t ask you why you were going to stop drinking, I’m asking why are you running away from your problems,” she looked surprised at my question.

“I guess it started at home, craving my mother’s love, but I never got it, she always made it clear that she was forced to have me. She would always say to me: ‘I might have been forced to have you, but I can never be forced to love you.’ Those were the words that made me lose my sanity. I became insecure thinking no one would ever love me because my mother wouldn’t love me and here I am, having a baby at the age of 18. I lost you when you were first born. I did some stupid stuff thinking it would help me get you back. Your foster parents made it almost impossible for me to get you back until I found Charles.”

“Wow, my dad was already fighting for me even when he didn’t know me.” I had a moment with myself smiling, but things got serious again for me, “But mommy, you got to realize that things happen and you can’t keep running and hiding when trouble comes your way. You’re supposed to stand tall and fight.”

“Oh wow, is this my fourteen year old giving me advice?”

“Yup, I do love you mommy, I just don’t like your ways.”

“I’m trying to change.” 

She looked at me and asked, “Do you ever wish you can turn back the hands of time and redo some things over again?”

“Yes!”

“What?”

“To have never let you leave my sight.”

“But what do you think I can do now to make things better for you?” I asked.

“Just love me as I find myself all over again. I feel like I am still locked up somewhere, but with you I know I can find my way.”

“Ok I will do what I can to be there for you and I do love you.”

“Thank you baby,” I said as she hugged me. “So tell me about your new experience at school.”

“It wasn’t that bad, people are just weird; that’s all.”

“But were they mean to you?”

“No mom, they didn’t even talk to me; which is fine by me.”

“You’re just like your mother, very private.”

“Yeah I don’t like people in my face.”

“Me either. So you got any homework?”

“Nope, the first day we just get to know each other I guess.”

“You’re right. So are the boys already checking you out?”

“Mommy, we are not having that conversation,” she said getting up from the bed.

“Come on baby I just want to know,” I said pulling her back.

“I don’t know I wasn’t paying attention.”

“Ok, but you know you can come to me for anything right? And it doesn’t matter how bad it is, I will still be on your side.”

“Ok mommy,” she said as she hugged me again then left the room.

Chapter 6

In my junior year, I sat in class in front of a girl named Reggae. She had blue eyes that I admired, but she seemed to hate her own eyes. People always made jokes about her eyes saying they were fake and that she looked weird. She was dark skin with curly hair and with her ocean blue eyes, she looked quite exotic.  I wanted to talk to her one day but she always had a tendency to run off right when the class bell rung and I wouldn’t run after her because I had a fear of her blowing me off. I had seen her around so much, but I never once saw her smile. She looked angry all the time but I could feel this energy about her; that she had a place in her heart where she could be fun to be around. I was interested in getting to know her, I felt like I could understand her but I was still afraid to approach her. At times she sat in the cafeteria alone with a mean mask on her face. I was determined to woman up and step up to her after class or during lunch, wherever I saw her first.

The school bell rang and she zoomed out of class before the teacher could even finish her sentence. The students often made fun of her when she would run out so fast.

“Sorry Mrs. Hayden, her contacts are hurting her eyes,” the other students laughed.

“You don’t know if they are real or fake Ryan.”

“Come on I know your smarter than that, she’s black, black people don’t have blue eyes.”

“You don’t know that Ryan, her father might have blue eyes.”

Mrs. Hayden defending her, made me want to stand up for her too, but I became comfortable with playing an invisible role. I would wear baggy clothes so people wouldn’t see my shape and wouldn’t judge me for my physical appearance.

“Whatever, I still don’t think they’re real and that is my opinion,” Ryan said as he walked out of the class with his friend who also found it funny. 

I went to my next class thinking of how to approach her. I wrote it down as the teacher was talking. I was completely tuned out from her class until I heard her call my name.

“Ella?”

“Huh?” the class laughed knowing I was not paying attention.

“What is the definition of ethics?”

“Oh, ethics are what we do on a daily basis, as far as how we are being treated, whether it’s ethical or unethical.”

The class laughed as I put my head down. It wasn’t that I didn’t know what the definition was; the words just didn’t come out right.

“Not quite, I need you to pay more attention in class,” she said as she called on someone else as I tuned out again with shame.

I hated being embarrassed, I hated being laughed at because I couldn’t control how people felt about me, so I often secluded myself and excused myself from reality whenever I was at school. The school bell finally rang for lunch. I walked slowly, thinking about the right words to say to Reggae. I walked to the cafeteria and saw her getting her food and she sat down in the corner where she always sat. I walked towards her hoping for nothing but the best.

“Hel…hello, my name is Ella, what is yours?” she didn’t speak for a minute so I almost walked away in shame until she said something.

“Reggae.”

“H…h…hi. Nice to meet you.”

“Yeah?”

“I just wanted to let you know that your eyes are very beautiful, I wish I had them.”

“No you don’t.”

“Why not? They’re beautiful.”

“Trust me you don’t, because ignorant people will laugh at you for being different.”

“I wish I was different.”

“You wish a lot huh.”

“Yeah but most of them don’t come true though,” she cracked a smile that made me a little comfortable.

“May I sit with you?”

“Sure.”

I sat across from her and hoped she would look up again so I could see her eyes.

“What?” she kept looking down.

“Nothing I just wish, I mean, I just want to see your eyes again if you don’t mind.”

“It’s nothing special.”

“It is to me, it makes me happy seeing how beautiful your eyes are.”

“Are you gay?”

“Oh no sorry, I guess I am talking too much, but I love things that are different. I’m different.”

“How?”

“I don’t fit in.”

“That is a choice because you can fit in just fine; you don’t have anything that would make people laugh at you, well except for the way you dress.”

“What is wrong with the way I dress?” I said as I looked at my clothes.

“It’s like you trying to cover something.”

“Yeah I don’t want anybody to judge me based on my body.”

“What is wrong with your body?”

“I just don’t want any attention on me,” she looked at me weird.

“You’re weird.”

“I know.” I giggled alone, “So what are you doing after school?”

“Nothing.”

“Do you want to hang out with me?” I asked.

“No not really.”

“Come on it will be fun.”

“Why me?”

“Because I think you’re cool.”

“What are you trying to do?”

“I don’t know; anything.”

“Mmm, whatever.”

“So that’s a yes?”

“Sure.”

“Ok cool, where do you want to meet me at?”

“I don’t know.”

“We can meet at the bathroom.”

“Sure.”

“Ok cool, I am happy you’re coming to hang out with me,” she said nothing as I went to the bathroom and called my dad.

“Hey sugar.”

“Daddy I finally asked the girl with the blue eyes to hang out with me after school and she said yes.”

“That’s good, but sweetie I am at work I have to go.”

“No daddy wait, where should we go?”

“I’m not sure sweetie pie. Ask your mother, I am sure she has something interesting for you to do.”

“Oh yeah I guess I can ask her.”

“Ok sweetie pie, talk to you later. Love you.”

“I love you too,” I took a deep breath and called my mother, “Hey mommy.”

“Hey sweetie everything ok?”

“Umm yeah, I was just calling you because I’m hanging with my new friend after school today and I don’t know what to do as far as something fun that we can both do together.”

“Umm, I think since you guys are hanging out after school, you should grab something to eat then maybe some ice cream for dessert. Then after that you should go to the park.”

“That sounds good, thank you mommy.”

“You’re welcome sweetie. Do you need any money?”

“No I have a credit card from dad.”

“Ooh, look at you with a credit card,” she said jokingly.

“I am grown mommy and I need it and plus my car constantly needs gas.”

“I know baby, please have fun and be safe.”

“I will, bye mommy.”

I hung up and went to my next class wondering how it would go with Reggae. I was hoping school would go by fast so I could hang with this mysterious girl. The final bell finally rang and I rushed to the bathroom to wait for her; to my surprise she was there waiting for me.

“Hey!”

“I didn’t go to my last class, I just didn’t feel like it,” she said with a blank expression the whole time.

“Oh ok, so you’re ready?”

“I guess.”

We walked side by side towards my car and she looked at my Lexus with surprise.

“This is your car?”

I pressed the unlock button on my car remote, “Yup ,my daddy got it for me because the bus left me one day and for a few hours, I got lost walking home.”

“You got lost?”

“Yup, I was running late to catch the bus, the bus driver left, so I had to walk home.”

“Do you live around here?”

“Yeah.”

“How did you get lost then, don’t you ride the bus every day to school and back?”

“Yes, I guess but I never paid attention, I have always had my earphones in my ears with my eyes close or reading something.”

“Oh,” she said.

“So tell me if this sounds good. What I have planned today is first we can go eat, then get some ice cream and then off to the park.”

“Sounds fun, what kind of park?”

“Amusement Park.”

“Cool.”

“Do you need me to take you to your house to tell your mom first?”

“She’s at work and she doesn’t get off until really late.”

“Oh cool, I wish my mother worked so I wouldn’t see her face a lot.”

“I wish I could see my mother more and less of my stepfather.”

“She might have a lot of bills to pay.”

“Not really, my dad pays our bills and he doesn’t even live with us. I think she just works too hard to make her fiancé happy because all he ever wanted from her is money, I think that is the only reason he is still with her.”

“That may not be true.”

“No it is, but it’s ok because I’ve accepted it.”

“Where would you like to go eat?”

“I don’t care.”

“How about we go to the Cheesecake Factory?”

“Sure,” she was quiet the whole way there. We got to Cheesecake Factory and the clerk in front told us there was a wait to be seated. I wanted to know more about her while we were waiting, so I asked.

“So tell me something about you?”

“There is really nothing special about me.”

“Sure there is.”

“Like what?”

“Like what you like to eat, your favorite color, just stuff like that.”

“Oh, I like to eat Italian food.”

“So do I, it’s really good.”

“And my favorite color is blue.”

“Awww just like your eyes.”

“That was not why I chose blue, it’s just because I feel blue all the time.”

“Oh.”

At that point I wanted to play it cool on getting to know her more. We were seated and as our waitress came, we ordered food and ate in near silence. I decided to break the silence and ask her a few basic questions in which she gave me basic answers. We left the restaurant to get ice cream right before we headed to the park. The car ride was silent. We got to the park, walked around and then we came across the Go Carts.

“Come on, let’s ride the Go Carts.”

“I don’t know,” she said not too interested.

“Come on it will be fun!”

She walked with me to the Go Carts without saying a word. We were riding and she finally loosened up a bit when I hit her from the back. She was beginning to get the hang of it and then she started enjoying herself. I finally saw her smile which made me smile.

“Come on Reggae you about to be last!”

“Ok I am coming!”

She drove faster and then smiled to show off her straight teeth which looks nice on her. Our time was up but I wanted to go again and she wanted too also. We rode the Go Carts four times, and then the workers started giving us attitude.

“Ok let’s do something else,” I said.

“Ok cool, this is fun.”

“I know right.”

“Let’s go water shooting in that boat!”

“Oh no, so you could wet my hair? I just got it done.”

“That’s the point, come on,” she said rushing towards the water boat.

“Of course you want to do this because your hair is curly.”

“No I just love water and I am never afraid to wet my hair.”

“I know you’re not. Your hair is curly and is going to stay curly while mine will nap up.”

“Don’t worry Miss Dramatic, I’m really good at doing hair, I will help you with yours if it gets nappy.”

“Ok, fair enough.”

We ran to the boat and waited in line for a few minutes and Reggae looked anxious to get in the boat.

“I can see you can’t wait to get in this water.”

“I can’t, I love water.”

“You must know how to swim.”

“I’m like a fish in the water.”

“Ok fish, try not to get in this water, stay in your boat so they won’t kick us out!”

We both laughed as we walked to get on the boat. I put my hoodie on still trying to protect my hair.

“Come on take it off! Enjoy the water.”

“We can’t get in and I can’t swim anyways.”

“What?”

“I know, I was never taught.”

“You’re missing out on a lot if you don’t know how to swim. Swimming is a good way to block out everything and it feels good to get lost in the water.”

“I need you to teach me how to swim then.”

“Ok will do.”

The workers gave us the go ahead as I ran away from Reggae who was ready to spray me and everybody else. She was happy which made me happy, I had never seen her like this before. I loved it, it felt so warm inside seeing her happy. I hoped she stayed this way because she was way more beautiful when she wears a smile instead of her face being hard as a rock.