Sacrifice (4 page)

“I’m thinking about naming her after my grandmother; Ella Reed.” My face lit up as that name soaked in me, “Ella.” I repeated it feeling good about naming her after my late grandmother.

“That is such a pretty name.”

“Thank you. Umm, can I hold her?” I asked.

“Sure, you just have to wash your hands before you can hold her.”

“Ok,” I said happily as I washed my hands to hold my baby for the first time. I then saw what people were saying about babies being God’s gifts. I thought to myself in agreement, and all the pain from labor were well worth it. I fell completely in love, I cried as the tears hit my daughters face. I never felt this way before. This was an irreplaceable feeling. I looked at her as she slept in my arms, and finally felt like I was worthy of something good.

“Hey,” I said as she placed her little fingers in one of my hands. I almost melted, I cried some more as the nurses watched me from the outside and smiled.

“You are so beautiful,” I said as she held on to my finger. I never wanted her to let go. I stood there and held her for quite some time before I laid her down and went back to my room with joy. All of a sudden, it hit me that I was still staying in a motel room. “How can I bring a new born to a motel room?” I wanted to bring my child to a place I can call home. Thinking of a stable home put my mind into deeper thoughts regarding a babysitter while working. I couldn’t stay in the motel room and watch her all day if I have to go out and work to provide for her. These insecurities scared me, I thought I wasn’t ready, but having such faith in God helped me believe that everything was going to be ok. Sitting in the hospital bed thinking of my first move made me realize I had nobody. Nobody came to visit me or my child. Though I didn’t expect my mother to be here because she had no idea I was pregnant, deep down I wished for her presence. I wished she could’ve been there to hold my hands and tell me everything was going to be ok. My head began to hurt thinking of it, as I held my head together with both my hands pressing it together like my head was about to explode a nurse walking by said, “You ok?”

“Yeah…yeah I’m fine thank you,” I stuttered.

“Ok.”

“Hey nurse, when can we go home?”

“I am not sure but I will talk to the doctor to see when you can. You should be able to soon, because your baby is doing really good.

“Ok, thank you,” I said.

I got up and went to the nursery and stared at my child through the glass window hoping that I could give her the best. I then walked back to my room to relax.

“Hello?” a voice said behind me as I was turning around.

“Hey Mr. Wayne,” a grin overcame my face, thankful that somebody came to see me, which happened to be my manager.

“Hey angel, congrats,” he said as we hugged each other.

“Thank you!”

“So how is the baby?”

“She is fine.”

“That’s good. So what about you, you ok?”

“I am fine also, thank you for asking and thank you for coming to see us.”

“Oh, it’s no problem.”

“Do you want to see her?” I asked with pride.

“Of course I do!”

We both walked toward the nursery room and stared at her through the glass.

“She looks just like you, so beautiful.”

“Awww thank you.”

“What is her name?”

“Ella,” I said proudly.

“That is a beautiful name,” he looked at me then said, “Look we need to talk.”

“What is it?”

“I hope you don’t get mad at me, I am just keeping your best interest at heart.”

“Oh no please don’t fire me, I can still work right when I get discharged.”

“Oh no sugar, you still have your job.”

I was so relieved to hear that.

“It’s about your baby,” he said walking away.

I followed him and asked, “What about my baby?” I said with panic in my tone.

“There’s nothing to worry about,” he said as he turned around to face me, “Just know everything will be ok and you will thank me later for this.”

“Thank you later? What will I be thanking you for other than you letting me keep my job and coming to see us?”

“I got to go darling but I did it for your own benefit,” he said, “Here this is for Ella,” he reached out and handed me a gift for Ella then walked away.

But this time, he was disappearing from my sight as I stared at him confused. I immediately ran to check on my baby to make sure she was still there. ‘What was he talking about?’ I said when I saw that Ella was still there. But for some reason, my mind captured what he had said while I kept checking to make sure she was still there. I stayed up through the night constantly looking in on her, making sure she was still in her bed sleep. The next day came as slowly as it could when the doctor walked in my room, “Miss Reed?”

“Hi doctor,” I said waiting for him to tell me that we were free to go.

“Hello, how are you feeling today?”

“Good, just can’t wait to take my baby home. Well to the motel,” I laughed, “Which is home for me for right now.”

“Yeah that’s why I’m here.”

“Oh really?” I said scared all over again as he sighed and rolled a chair over to sit next to me.

“I spoke to your manager yesterday and he told me a little about your struggles, and that you will need help. So I came to the suggestion of…” he took a deep breath.

“Suggest what?” my heart began to beat faster knowing it wasn’t going to be good.

“Well you are still young, and I think you should take time to get yourself together and take better care of yourself. Since you have no support, I think you will run yourself thin trying to provide for her. So I think it’s best for you to give up your baby for nine months so you can get on your feet.”

“Wait a minute!” I said with the rage of fire burning through my heart.

“You’re telling me to give up my baby?”

“Only for nine months, then you can get her back.”

“No!” I said with anger, “Nobody is taking my baby away from me you hear me?  Nobody, and what kind of a doctor are you to offer me such a horrible suggestion, you don’t even know me!”

“I am sorry but I think this will be good for you.”

“You don’t know what’s good for me, and he don’t either, now you see why I’m so private, I told him something about me and he ran with it only to use it against me,” I stood up angry and furious.

“Miss Rachael, please calm down.”

“Don’t you tell me to calm down, I just got betrayed,” I yelled as tears gathered in my eyelids.

“He only came to me out of concern and nobody is taking your child from you, they are just going to watch over her for nine months then you can get her right back. And you can go visit her anytime you want. Hey, just think of it as babysitting for nine months and you don’t have to pay them because the government will pay for it. So you can take care of yourself for now, and won’t be worn out taking care of your child.”

“I want to be able to provide for her, I want the best for her,” I said as tears fell off my face.

“The best thing for her is to give her up for nine months to take care of you. Get your apartment so you can take your child to your own home. If your daughter could talk, she would want the best for you. Think about it then give me your answer. Either way I am going with whatever you think is best,” he concluded then left.

I went to the nursery and stood by the window as I took a good look at her with tears still dripping down my chin. I then thought real hard about the offer that was being presented to me, and knew I wanted nothing but the best for her. I wanted her to be well taken care of and I knew I wouldn’t be able to give her my best as of right now. So I went with the best decision after thinking about it for hours.

“So it’s like they babysitting my child for nine months right?” I said right when I walked to the doctor’s office.

“Right; trust me you will never regret this decision, it will make you better,” he said and gave me a smile of comfort.

“Ok I am only going to do it for nine months, which would include seeing her anytime I want,” I said with tears knowing this is the best decision I can make for her.

“Deal, just make sure you let them know that you are coming.”

“Ok. So will I meet them before they take my child away?”

“Of course, I will send them right to your room when I finish talking to them after their arrival.”

“Ok,” I said as I walked back to my room wondering what the people that will be taking my daughter will be like. I wondered if they were white or black, if they were big or skinny, their housing conditions, how they will treat my daughter. It bothered me that my child can be possibly maltreated because I have heard stories about foster parents before. I even wondered if they will give Ella back to me in nine months. The more I thought about it, the more my head hurt. I was devastated and disappointed that I couldn’t provide for my child but I wanted the best for her, so I sat on my bed and waited, then suddenly somebody called out my last name.

“Miss Reed?” I looked at the direction where my name was being called and saw a chunky short lady. Along with her was a tall, bald headed man with a display of dimples in his cheeks as he smiled to reveal his teeth.

“Hey honey,” the lady rushed in my direction and gave me a hug, then looked up at me, “You look warn out darling, you need some sleep, for God sake you just had a baby, please try your hardest to relax.”

“I know,” I looked at them both, trying to read what kind of people they were, taking my child home.

“Don’t worry sweetie, we will take good care of…. What is her name again?”

“Ella, Ella Reed” I said still staring at them both.

“Awww that is such a pretty name, we will make sure Ella is well taken care of.”

I looked at who I thought was the husband, who was letting his wife speak for both of them.

“We will take great care of her Miss Reed,” he finally opened his mouth as I looked him up and down hoping he wouldn’t be the pervert that touches little kids. I was a little scared about him being around, but I had to give him the benefit of the doubt since I wouldn’t be able to give my child what they could give her.

I made the final decision although my heart was not at peace. I wanted my daughter home with me but I had no home. So I ran through the temporary custody plan as if they already didn’t know, and then held my child before they took her away.

“I promise I will be back for you,” I said as tears uncontrollably came out of my eyes, hitting the surface of my skin and then I gave her to what I called ‘her temporary parents’ and watched them take my child away from me right before my very eyes. I made them discharge me that same day, then went back to my motel room and cried my eyes out knowing tears wouldn’t help the solution to my problem. I later got on my knees when my tears wouldn’t find their way to stop and cried to God this time around as I went into prayer. “Father, please help me, I am so lost. I don’t know what to do or how to get my life stable in order to get my child back. Please help me get her back and forgive me for whatsoever sin I have committed. Have mercy on me and wash me of my sins and please grant me the strength to never give up, I pray in Jesus name, Amen.” I said my prayers as I dragged my restless body out of the motel. I didn’t need time to heal; my daughter was the only thing that could heal me at this point, so I went searching for another job instead of working with Mr. Wayne again. I felt betrayed whether he meant well or not, but working with him was the best solution after my job search failed. I lowered my pride for the sake of Ella and walked in as every employee that was working up front stopped to stare at me with surprise.

“Hey, you ok?” a co-worker called out.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

I spotted Mr. Wayne and walked right to him and smiled sincerely when he saw me.

“I am so happy your well, please come with me,” he said as I followed with a blank expression.

It wasn’t just because of him that my expression was so blank, but rather everything that had happened to me that I could not control. I wasn’t the same; my face was a reflection of the pain inside. I even forgot to take a shower and I hoped nobody would notice, but even if they did, I wouldn’t care. 

“How are you feeling today Miss Reed?”

“Fine,” I said not happy to see him.

“How is your baby doing?”

“Fine.”

“So you went with the decision I made?”

“I am afraid so.”

“Good for you Rachael, I promise you won’t regret this.”

“I hope not,” I let my head down not wanting to look him in his face.

“So what brings you here?”

“I am ready to work.”

“Rachael sweetie don’t you think you’re pushing yourself too hard? You just had a baby.”

“I will be fine. I just need my child back,” I said as tears came down my face.

“I know sweetie,” he said as he handed me a tissue. “Just remember I am here for you and I still think you should not work yourself too hard.”

“I will be fine I promise.”