Messy Beautiful Love (18 page)

There’s a lot of talk in our society about trophy wives.
Groan.
Some men pursue young, attractive women as status symbols. But holy men of God know that there is much more to a woman than her outer appearance. Proverbs 12:4 tells us
that “a virtuous woman is a crown to her husband.” In other words, she is a treasure.

After Michael waited for me all afternoon while I shopped, I realized that his patience and kindness were the real gift—not the clothing. The shopping was an extension of his love for me, but he displayed the root of his love through his virtue. A gift like that can’t be bought in a box store. That’s what makes it so precious.

Let’s explore the example of this virtuous woman in Proverbs 31 to see what she brought to her marriage and how we can apply those elements to our lives:

1. She was trustworthy.

“The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil” (v. 11). I’ve always loved this verse, but even more so when I recently considered the meaning behind it. “Have no need of spoil.” What does that mean?
Spoil
is a word often found in the Old Testament to describe the loot that armies divided among themselves after they won a battle. It was a reward that each soldier could take home to his wife.

Such times are good. We like a little bonus check, don’t we? Financial concerns, however, are common issues of contention in marriage. It’s a major cause of worry, stress, discontentment, and divorce.

A husband who trusts his wife knows that she won’t walk
away from the marriage when times are tough. He knows that she values the commitment she made and will be there through good times and bad.

2. She was kind and considerate.

“She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life” (v. 12). It should go without saying that two people in love will treat each other with kindness and consideration. But in many marriages that’s not the case because people would rather hang on to their anger and hurt than walk in humility.

Our husbands will let us down, and there will be days when they get under our skin, but the way that we choose to relate to them in times of stress will speak volumes about our character.

3. She worked willingly.

“She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands” (v. 13). This woman wasn’t only working with her hands; she was
willingly
working. How many of us can say that about the laundry we do? Are we doing it just because it
has
to be done, or can we find joy in doing it because we are bringing a gift to the family?

We read in verse 16 that she bought a field and planted a vineyard. She also worked
hard
.

4. She was diligent.

“She is like the merchants’ ships; she bringeth her food from afar” (v. 14). I chose the word
diligent
because I see someone who makes a conscious effort to feed her family. Are we willing to go the extra mile to make sure that the family eats well? Or will we be tempted to take the fast-food approach? Of course, this is only one example of diligence, but it shows the importance of effort.

If you’ve gotten this far in the chapter, you might be thinking,
Slow the roll! How can I possibly keep up with the perfection of the Proverbs 31 woman?
Now, before you become discouraged, start hating her, and close the book, let me assure you that
none
of us can. She is a standard of perfection and excellence.

We must strive to be diligent, yes, and it’s important that we’re trustworthy and kind, but in the midst of all our failures and imperfections, we are made perfect through nothing but faith in Jesus Christ. It’s for this reason that Jesus said, “My yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Matt. 11:30). He is the One who carried the burden of your imperfection. It was nailed to the cross along with Him.

God doesn’t expect us to be perfect; He just wants to see us growing in grace. Growing means that we’ll be in pursuit of perfect virtue, not necessarily in
possession
of it. While you are growing in grace, remember that He loved you long before you loved Him.

5. She was self-controlled.

“She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens” (v. 15). When we think of virtuous women, we often picture them as being loving, generous, and kind; they reach their hands out to the poor, lead their children in faith, and provide food for their families. I tend to overlook that virtuous women also exhibit a high level of self-control.

I’m not a morning person, so I can’t begin to tell you just how impressed I am with this. I’m sure if I was sitting down to have tea with her, I’d ask, “What? You get up at what time?”

I practically said that exact thing today when I was chatting with one of my neighbors. She has the most obedient, fun-loving dog I’ve ever seen. He’s a big teddy bear. The minute he sees you, Willis will flip over on his back and wait for a belly scratch. I love that guy!

Today I noticed that he doesn’t as much as flinch when another dog walks by. He’s always outside without a leash and never leaves her side unless it’s for a belly rub.

“How did you get so lucky?” I asked as I bent down to scratch his tummy.

“Oh, it wasn’t luck,” she said. “We got him at six weeks old, and for the first month I got up every morning an hour earlier than the kids to train him. I’d take him outside and show him
where his boundaries were and what we expected of him. I had to be on him 24/7.”

I had already thought this woman was pretty much perfect in every way, but this one cinched it. She cooks like Rachael Ray, decorates like Martha Stewart, and works out like Jillian Michaels. Now she’s got a dog that puts Lassie to shame. It’s no wonder her husband is always smiling. She has three kids and looks like a teenager, but I still love her.

Getting up is one thing, but we’re really talking about the virtue of self-control. We’re all a work in progress as we strive to put
will
over
want.
Whether we’re talking about satisfying our appetites, overspending, being lazy, or losing our tempers, we all benefit from exercising the virtue of self-control.

If you value a clean home, do the grunt work it takes to get there. If you value your faith, nurture it by opening your Bible more often and taking time out to pray. If you value your marriage, actively work on your relationship.

Whatever you’re struggling with, make every effort to be self-controlled. That’s when you’ll notice results!

6. She was compassionate.

“She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy” (v. 20). It’s easy enough to write a check and throw 10 percent in the offering basket at church
every week; what isn’t so easy is reaching our hands out to the people around us.

Here is an example of compassion. She made an effort to reach out to people, not just put something in their pocketbooks. My guess is that she got to know people in need and lent a hand when she could.

Compassion is one of the most beautiful virtues that a woman can possess in that she reflects God’s love to the world.

7. She was well kempt.

“She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple” (v. 22).

I’ve come to learn that faith and family are the two most important things to Michael, and I also know that he loves me whether I’m dressed to the nines or I’m walking around the house with a chip clip in my hair and two socks that don’t match. He’s faithful that way.

But here’s the problem: that knowledge and the level of comfort in our relationship offer me the opportunity to be lazier than I should be. In other words there’s a temptation to take his love for granted.

Some days this translates into me walking around like a slob, whereas the flip side of that is when I put in the extra effort to treasure the person he is.

I’m not saying that wives should walk around the house
like pageant queens with big hair and high heels complementing their stunning dresses. By all means, be true to yourself and the woman you are in Christ. I’m merely saying that we should offer our husbands respect in the way that we act and the way that we dress, exerting the effort when and where we can.

Is it self-seeking to want a loving and devoted husband who is proud to call you his wife? Definitely not. While other men may complain about their wives, a man has a sense of pride to know his wife is different. She’s unique; she understands him when no one else does; she looks up to him as her protector and the one who provides; she has admirable character that he can trust.

When you’re a radiant bride that your husband is proud to call his, you are worth far more than rubies; you are his crown.

|   
FIFTEEN
   |

Pray for Your Marriage

I
WANDERED THROUGH THE AIRPORT FOLLOWING
sign after sign until I finally arrived at the baggage carousel. It had been four nights and five days. I was ready for home.

Examining each black suitcase that passed my way, I asked myself,
Darlene, why haven’t you tied a pink scarf to the handle?
Every time we travel, I ask myself that question, and every time I get home, I forget about the pink scarf that hangs in the closet. It’s adorable by the way.

Finally hoisting my bag over the edge, I was ready to go. Within the hour I’d embrace four inquisitive children I
missed dearly, two pugs that would surely lick my face, and a husband who can best be described as home to my heart.

I walked through the doors of the airport where center stage was the orange Jeep with its engine running as if it were waiting for mama to come home. Standing beside the Jeep was a servant’s heart, clothed in blue jeans with arms outstretched. And beneath that cold October sky I embraced the warm feeling of home.

Stepping into my house, I discovered that the past four days had rested in the hands of a capable husband and father. I was warmly reminded of how my Savior once rose from the table to wash twenty-four feet.

The smell of bleach and the sight of warm smiles from kids with clean faces told me that they had been tenderly cared for. What I found also told me that Michael was loving his wife as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it. What more could I ask for? What more could I possibly want?

When I get to thinking that way another question arises,
What can I give in return?
I can clean up the house today and toss a few loads of laundry in before he gets home. I might even cook his favorite dinner, but a long-lasting gift—and one that should never be taken lightly—is the gift of prayer.

I know that some of you really have it together when it comes to prayer. You can pray over a Big Mac as eloquently as one would thank God for filet mignon. I’m not that way. In
fact I’m one fry short of a Happy Meal when it comes to saying the right thing.

I’ve knelt through prayer meetings thinking about everything
but
prayer, and then I remind myself that I’m supposed to be concentrating on the Lord. I shuffle my position and get official until my thoughts drift off once again. Praise God for His unfailing grace on this cracked vessel. How great is His patience with me!

I see a different picture of prayer when I visualize King David—one that’s far less about self and far more about God: “Seven times a day do I praise thee because of thy righteous judgments. Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them” (Ps. 119:164–65). Those words move me to say, “More of You, Lord, less of me.”

What might that look like in a wife who desires to bring life to her marriage?

Could this be a picture of me praying by the kitchen sink while I’m washing my dishes? It could be. And, yes, the Lord assures me that my eyes might be open as I take in the view from the backyard. I see the trees that my husband and I planted together, and I praise God for His gift of a husband.

Could this be a picture of me praising the Lord as I snuggle in close to my husband at night? What about that quiet moment in the afternoon when I’m folding his laundry?

Home is the tapestry I weave day in and day out, and prayer is the loom upon which I place my thread. Every prayer is a
gift of love I stitch into the lives of my husband and children. Paul encouraged us to pray, saying, “Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God” (Phil. 4:6). I’m forever learning that prayer has everything to do with the Lord and nothing to do with my righteousness. Righteousness is imputed to us by faith. We merely need to seek Him with a pure heart.

This book started with prayer, and I can’t think of a better way to close it than by continuing that journey long after you turn the last page. I pray that together we’ll continue to seek Him in all that we do with a desire to strengthen our marriages and build them upon a strong foundation of faith.

It’s by grace that I wrote this book, and through His grace I share my testimony with you so that you may see how one cracked vessel was lifted from a pit of sin and shame by the hand of an almighty God who offers hope for tomorrow.

Patience and self-sacrifice are grievous for a time, but they bring peace to those who are exercised by them. And so we must continue steadfast in the Lord, trusting Him every step of the way.

I challenge you as I challenge myself to draw closer to Him by equipping ourselves with the gospel, taking time out for prayer, and walking according to His will, not ours. I pray that we will hunger for more than lukewarm marriages and halfhearted faith by pursuing God with all our hearts.

That’s how we equip ourselves for the ministry of leading our children and supporting our husbands. Amen?

And so I’d like to offer you thirty-one prayers for your marriage. That’s one for every day of the month. If you’d like a free printable, I have created small prayer cards that you can hang on a ring and keep in your purse or on your nightstand. You can find them at www.darleneschacht.net.