Messy Beautiful Love (6 page)

I think those are the best kinds of phone calls, don’t you? I love it when Michael calls me to tell me about something awesome, and I’ve never really thought of that as boasting.

We can be guilty of boasting, however, when we start keeping track of who did what and how much. Say, for example, that Michael has been out enjoying a day taking photos while I’ve been at home doing laundry. Boasting about how much I got done and how busy I was isn’t the most loving thing to do. Sure I want him to notice, and he will in his time. But the loving thing to do would be to ask him about his day and take pleasure in
him
.

We can also be guilty of boasting when we start comparing ourselves to our spouses. Saying, “Wow, I ran five miles this morning, and I feel great!” can be good, but if we follow it up by saying something like, “When was the last time you got off the couch and exercised?” it’s not so good, is it?

Love Is Not Proud

In understanding this facet of love, you can think of it this way: when you love someone, you are willing to walk in humility, esteeming others higher than yourself. All Christians are commanded to live this way.

Those who walk in humility are able to resolve conflict more quickly because they aren’t afraid to apologize first.
They are more concerned about protecting their relationships than they are about protecting their egos.

When you realize that it’s more important to win the heart of your husband than it is to win an argument, you’re seeing the fruit of mature love.

Love Does Not Dishonor Others

Honor your husband by being his cheerleader and trustworthy companion. This is important to do when you’re with him and also when he’s out of your sight. If your tongue has been babbling on for several years, consider it a wild horse. You need to tame that horse by training it thought by thought and word by word—taking every thought captive—until you’re willing to yield to the obedience of Christ.

You dishonor your husband and hurt him deeply when you say things that you don’t mean in the heat of an argument. Letting off steam that way is immature because it means that you’re losing control of your emotions. Sacrificial love isn’t easy, but it’s well worth the effort.

Love Is Not Self-Seeking

Marriage isn’t fifty-fifty. Love isn’t about taking turns, waiting to be served, or keeping track of who apologized last. Why not? Because true love seeks to please another more than oneself.
When you love someone, you want the best for him, and you hope for the best. Love gives up its right to be
right
and steps down so that the other person can shine.

Without pride we wouldn’t need to address this. It wouldn’t be an issue in any relationship. Pride causes us to take our eyes off God and move them onto ourselves. But we’re called to be Christlike, which means that we love the unlovable and give of ourselves sacrificially.

Love Is Not Easily Angered

Keeping our cool isn’t always easy, but every time we let go and let God, we exercise that muscle of self-control. I say “self-control” here because we need to bring our flesh under the subjection of the Spirit. Our flesh wants nothing more than to stamp our feet and have our own way, but the Spirit calls us to be tenderhearted and controlled. That’s where our true strength lies.

When the Spirit is in control, we see the fruit of “love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, [and] goodness” (Gal. 5:22). But when the flesh is out of control, we get angry, short-tempered, abrupt, and stressed out.

Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs

When you really think about what that phrase means—“keeps no record of wrongs”—you realize that this attitude
closes the door on resentment. If I were to pinpoint the one thing that led me to almost destroy my marriage, it would be that I was keeping a record of wrongs. And the very thing that transformed my marriage to the place it is now is that Michael
didn’t
keep a record of wrongs. While I was at my very worst, he gave me his
best.

When I hear the constant complaints about who’s doing more in a marriage, I can’t help feeling that we’re placing love on a scale. We’re more concerned that it might tip one way or the other than we are about loving in the best way we know how.

Jesus tipped the scales big time. While we were yet sinners—lying, stealing, cheating, self-centered sinners—He gave up His life for us. He took the weight of our sin upon Himself and died in the most horrific way so that we might have life.

Love Does Not Delight in Evil

I don’t delight in evil, do I? I don’t think that I do, but when I stop to examine the many ways that I am tempted to do so, I think that I may be guilty at times.

When I’m angry, a part of me wants to let go of my anger and get on with my life. But another part of me—the flesh—desires to stew in the anger as long as I can.

Then there’s another evil that needs to be brought under control—negativity. My friend says, “Don’t invite negative feelings over for dinner, or they’ll get fat.” I love that thought
because it’s one that I can relate to. The more that we entertain negative thoughts, the more likely they are to stick around for a while.

Love Rejoices with the Truth

Rejoicing in truth is a vital part of loving someone. It’s important that we understand what this means, especially if we are walking in submission to our husbands. We are to obey our husbands, unless that obedience compromises a biblical truth or separates us from the Lord.

The apostles were brought before the Sanhedrin and questioned by the high priest. They had specifically been instructed not to preach the truth of Jesus Christ. When questioned about their disobedience, Peter and the other apostles answered and said, “We ought to obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29). So we are to obey those in authority, including our husbands, but our allegiance must always be to God first.

Love Always Protects

A wife is to protect her husband’s reputation by speaking highly of him to others. She is also wise to protect him by covering him in prayer.

Prayer is a powerful tool in any marriage, but too often it’s considered a last resort. We are to pray without ceasing, but
that doesn’t mean we’ll be in the prayer closet 24/7. Praying can be as simple as talking to God while folding laundry, thanking Him while out for a walk, or offering thanks while holding hands around the dinner table. Our husbands need extra protection when they are out in the world.

Love Always Trusts

I can trust Michael more than anyone else. After twenty-five years, I’ve come to know him as a man of integrity—one who walks the talk. He’s not a liar, a cheater, a gambler, or a drunk. Praise God!

But I’m still learning to trust his intentions. The other day, for example, I had a lot of driving to do and a lot of writing to do, and we had just gotten a new puppy. It was such a crazy day. I felt that every minute I wasn’t driving, I was potty training a pup.

Around three o’clock Michael called to tell me that he had to work late. I know he’s a busy man, but I couldn’t help wondering whether he was dodging us to get out of driving the kids here and there and potty training the pup.

The more I entertained the thought, the more it bothered me until I stopped to realize that I wasn’t giving my husband the benefit of the doubt. I was jumping to conclusions instead of taking him at his word.

We can avert a lot of conflict in marriage when we trust
our husbands’ intentions. We can avoid a lot of stress, we can temper a lot of anger, and we can eliminate a lot of hurt when we trust them.

Love Always Hopes

Some women reading this book have wonderful marriages, but many of you don’t. Frankly, many people are ready to give up on their marriages and walk away. I know this because I hear it said all too often.

When you’re the only one who seems to care about your marriage, and you seem to be the only one working on it, you might start to ask yourself,
What’s the point?
Before you give up, I want to remind you of something: you serve an unfailing God “who is able to do exceeding abundantly above all” that you ask or think (Eph. 3:20). If you are praying for your marriage, you can be certain that God is at work.

Don’t give up hope.

Love Always Perseveres

Remove the idea of divorce from your mind. Determine to work with your husband until you find a solution rather than walk away when the going gets tough. Leaving that door open is only setting yourself up for a failure.

Marriage is a covenant that reflects the union between
Jesus Christ and the church. We have the assurance that He won’t turn His back on us. His grace and forgiveness are unfailing, which is the same mind-set that we should have toward others. We’ve been forgiven much; therefore, we have much to forgive.

Before I move on, I know that you might be reading this and thinking,
Stick around when the going gets tough? Isn’t that encouraging domestic abuse?
Let me be clear: there’s a difference between a husband who is grumpy and one who is habitually abusive. And we all know that there are times when it’s vital to remove oneself and one’s children from an abusive situation.

When we walk in obedience, we’re trusting God with an unknown future by placing our hearts in His hands. It’s not easy to do because we think we know exactly what will make us happy, and we’re determined to get there. God will lead us to a much better place according to His incomparable wisdom.

One day I want to be able to stand before my Savior and say, “Yes, Lord. I walked in obedience, and I trusted You with my life.” Thus far I’ve failed on many accounts, but I’m learning to loosen my grip.

Love Never Fails

One thing I know about marriage is this: while the journey leads you through the most breathtaking experience of your life, the road is paved with many obstacles. There are things in
this world designed to tear us apart, and there always will be as long as Satan is roaming this earth. But couples who face the obstacles together and handle each hurdle in faith are the ones who reap the benefits brought by obedience.

God doesn’t give up on you. Don’t give up on your marriage. Sacrificial love is what the best marriages are made of.

We stepped into our marriage with the commitment to love, honor, and cherish each other until death. Like Peter, I was ready and willing to lay down my life for this man at the drop of a hat. But as the years went by and the hats started dropping, I realized that
agape
love was more of a challenge than I ever dreamed it would be. When push came to shove, I found myself standing against enemy lines in a battle against the flesh, and I was losing the war.

Peter’s testimony of faith is a reminder that we all must stand guard lest we are tempted and fall:
“
Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour” (1 Peter 5:8). Satan is wily, wise, and wicked. He seeks to destroy marriage because he knows that the marriage covenant is ordained by God.

If you want to stand strong in the faith, you have to start by planting your feet firmly in Christ. Get into the Word, get into prayer, and most important, get into a right relationship with the Father. When God is for you, nothing can stand against you. The victory is His. Hallelujah!

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FIVE
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Appreciate Him for Who He Truly Is

B
Y THE TIME
I
HIT SEVENTH GRADE
I
HAD
landed myself a sweet job that was the envy of most girls my age. I was the girl who made fuzzy dice. Yes, the same dice that hung in nearly every car across the nation.

It was the 1970s when Afros were big, the Bee Gees were bigger, and J. R. Ewing was the talk of the town. Some people were buying pet rocks, while others were busy knotting macramé owls, belts, and plant hangers. Eight-tracks were hip, but nothing was quite as hip as
The Brady Bunch
and its very own Greg, except maybe a pair of red fuzzy dice.

Each evening I’d cut, stuff, and stitch my way to another paycheck from the comfort of home. With nothing more than a 1954 Singer Featherweight, I produced one pair after another. It gave me three options: forward, backward, and zigzag. What more could I possibly need?

I loved that little machine, and I wasn’t about to part ways with it anytime soon. It was my little hummer, and we got along well enough to earn me enough money for more fabric and a few more patterns. After all, that was the goal. By ninth grade, I was skilled in my trade, sewing myself at least one new outfit a week—two if I could!

Not only was I the girl who could sew; I was also the girl who had her own fabric store—if you could call it that. We did.

My uncle owned a fabric shop, and while he was in transition of moving it from one town to the next, the supplies were stored in our basement. All of them! We had cutting tables, bolts of fabric, sewing notions, and patterns. Basically, we had everything that his fabric store had, except it was in the basement.

And it gets better. I was given permission to use any and all of the fabric I wanted.

Mom said, “If you want to sew yourself clothing, then you can use whatever you like.”

I had a little piece of heaven all to myself. Every evening I’d make my way down to the basement where I’d spend hours on
end looking at patterns and searching through fabric. It was incredibly peaceful and almost surreal. Not many people get to be immersed in their hobby quite like I did. With endless possibilities at my disposal, my only dilemma was deciding what to make first.

Why am I talking about fabric? These woven pieces of cloth resemble people in so many ways. Our precious moments, our ups, and our downs have been sewn together by countless threads forming characteristics that make us unique.