Messy Beautiful Love (10 page)

Communication is a vital part of growing together (and we’ll talk more about that in the next chapter), but it’s important that while we share our concerns, we do so with wisdom and love.

When Michael was angry, I knew that communicating right then and there would only add fuel to the fire. He was too angry to hear me, and I was coming from a place of anger too. I might have said things I would regret later, and if I didn’t, I’m sure that he would have.

If he hadn’t come to my side of the bed and apologized, I would have phoned him at work later that morning to see how he was and to extend a hand of grace. I’ve found that offering grace is the first and most important step in opening a door to communication.

When we walk in humility, treating others with more love and respect than we might think they deserve, we aren’t choosing the way of weakness; we’re choosing the way of strength under control.

You see, it’s easy to fly off the handle and let our emotions get the best of us. But wise is the woman who gets the best of her emotions. Walking in wisdom and strength, she keeps them under control.

I can’t promise you that this will be easy, but I can say that marriage—the way that God intended it to be—is a treasure worth fighting for.

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EIGHT
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Communicate with Loving Respect

I
F YOU REMEMBER EIGHTH GRADE BIOLOGY
class, you might remember the following lesson: when you touch a hot element, your hand sends a message to the brain. The brain decides the best plan of action and immediately sends a message back to your hand, telling you to move it quickly. Without the nervous system, you’d be burned, bruised, and blind. It’s one of the most vital functions of the body.

In the same way, communication is vital to every relationship. It’s the system that sends a message from one to the other, much like the hand to the head. If we don’t
communicate our desires to each other, we can’t expect them to be fulfilled.

It should be easy enough, but the problem is that men and women tend to communicate differently. It makes sense since we are two very different kinds of people. Physically it’s obvious. A man’s body, voice, and strength are undeniably different from a woman’s. Less noticeable are the differences in the way of thinking. For example, a man desires to provide for his family and has a need for respect. A woman tends to enjoy nesting (did someone mention Pinterest?) and knowing that she is loved. Of course no two men are exactly alike, and no two women are exactly alike. Generally speaking, however, there is a broad range of similarities within the sexes.

When we go over to another couple’s house for dinner, depending on whether it’s our first time there, they may invite us on a tour of their home. Let the record show that I’d never ask for a tour, but if I’m invited on one I’m all over that like peanut butter on a bib. I absolutely love checking out trinkets, looking at photos, and gleaning a few decorating ideas.

My friend Stephanie is good for that. Her house is filled with thrift-store finds, upcycled gadgets, and homemade crafts. Every corner has a little something to see. Last Christmas we were invited over to a friend’s house for dinner along with a few other couples from church. If you are the crafty or decorating type, you would love her place! I enjoyed every inch of her wall space from the moment I walked through the door.

After dinner they invited us on a little tour, and I got to further check out the decor. One of my favorite things she does is recycle old books. The little trees she made from them got me wondering why I threw out a box of vintage books last year. I knew I should have held onto them!

By the time we women got to the basement, we ran into our husbands who were chatting by the furnace room door. While we were poking around in her craft collection, they were discussing wiring, plumbing, and a solid foundation. I don’t think they ever got up to the bedroom to see the handmade garland that decorated the walls. So pretty!

While the women were absorbed in the small touches that made their house a home, the guys wanted to know what made that home a house, and so they lingered in the basement, banging on pipes, checking out beams, and following wires.

It’s always been that way. Anytime we’ve purchased a house, I’ve spent the majority of the time thinking about what colors I’d paint the rooms and where we’d put our furniture. On the other hand, Michael always wants to get into the basement to examine the structure. He commits the building specs to memory and later discusses them with the guys over coffee. Meanwhile I call my sisters to tell them how many bedrooms it has, what the cupboards are like, and what color the walls are.

“How many square feet is it?”

“Hold on, I’ll ask Michael,” I say.

Three weeks ago my daughter and I went to IKEA with
my oldest son. It was a dream come true for Madison and me, who had to touch every blanket and walk through every door in the place. Meanwhile Brendan was saying, “Oh, man. This is painful. Get me out of here now!” Lucky for us it’s set up in such a way that shoppers have to walk through the entire store before leaving. Not so lucky for him.

The fact that we’re different is a good thing, really. I need someone who’s concerned about the structure of our house. After all, these things need to be considered before even purchasing a house. But Michael also needs someone who’s passionate about making our house a comfy little home; someone who gets excited about the color of drapes and whether the pillows will match. I bring beauty into his life, and he brings structure into mine.

Yes, being different is good, but it’s not always easy. Learning to communicate with your husband is a lifelong process of learning who he is and what makes him tick.

During the early years of marriage, if we had an argument, Michael usually asked, “Are you mad at me?”

While we were in the midst of a fight, I wasn’t angry at him. The truth is that my feelings were hurt. So my answer to that question was usually no. I didn’t want to tell him that I was hurt because I wanted him to love me enough to figure it out. Silly, I know! If he dropped it right there and didn’t try to find out what was bothering me, I’d start getting angry at him. Then I’d be both angry and hurt. See how complicated I can be?

If I can’t figure myself out, how in the world is my husband supposed to? Women are complicated. I know because I am one. Men, on the other hand, aren’t so complicated, but since men and women don’t think the same way, it takes awhile to figure them out.

Being with someone over the years has its benefits. Over time you learn how to read someone’s actions better than you could read his words. According to some studies, nonverbal communication represents more than 65 percent of communication, with many sources citing statistics as high as 90 percent.
¹
Whatever the percentage, we know that our primary source of communication is through body language.

When Michael is bothered about something, I can usually see it right away by looking at his eyes. He’s unfocused, and he looks to his left. If he’s really frustrated, he goes on a mad cleaning spree. He’ll walk into the kitchen and start loading the dishwasher. I can hear the dishes clanging and the cupboard doors closing.

The way I used to handle it is that I’d rush in there and say, “Stop cleaning. I want to talk to you.” The way I handle it now is that I let him clean for a little while first, and then I go in. That way we both win. He blows off a little steam, and I get a clean kitchen.

I don’t know what my “tells” are exactly, but I do know that he can read them loud and clear. If I’m really upset, I’ll go lie in the bed. He always comes up, sits on the side of the bed,
and talks to me until things are talked out. I don’t know what I’d do if he wasn’t persistent enough to follow me upstairs and sit there waiting for me. I love that about him!

In many ways things have gotten so much easier because I’ve come to learn who he is and how to read his emotions. But like everyone else, we still have our bouts of miscommunication. I can’t tell you how many times that we got our wires crossed while out shopping and ended up in a fight. Okay, I can. Maybe five? But it felt like a hundred. We’d go to the mall, plan to meet at a certain place at a certain time, and somehow one of us would get the location mixed up. How did that keep happening? We’d both stand there waiting for more than an hour. Of course this was before cell phones.

All I could think of was how insensitive he was for not showing up. How could someone do that? Was his time more precious than mine? How much was a cab? Maybe I should call one and take off? Maybe I should teach him a lesson? And while I looked at my watch, I’d think of a thousand and one things I’d say to him once we got home.

Finally, we’d spot each other wandering through the mall. After exchanging a few words of frustration, I could see that he had a valid excuse for not showing up. But you know what? When you’re that angry, it’s hard to let it go. Something inside you
wants
to hang on to your anger, as if holding on to it will redeem your frustration. It doesn’t. It just prolongs that ugly feeling of anger.

Even with cell phones, communication can be a problem. My daughter started high school this year, so we got her a cell phone to call us when she needed a ride home or had to stay late after school. The second week of school, I went to pick her up at the bus stop at 4:10. She wasn’t there. I figured that maybe her bus was late, so I tried again about ten minutes later. Seeing that she still wasn’t there, I put dinner on and got busy in the kitchen. Three more times I put dinner aside, hopped in the car, and went to see if she was at the bus stop or walking home. Nothing.

Around 6:00 I told Michael that Madison was due home at 4:00, and I hadn’t heard from her yet. I left about ten messages on her cell phone, but she wasn’t picking up. When 6:30 rolled around and still I heard nothing, I started to worry.

That’s when I said to myself,
If she isn’t hurt, she’s in a boatload of trouble! That girl has some answering to do
. And yeah, I was angry.

Michael popped in at the other high school where her friends were playing basketball. We figured that maybe she went there and didn’t bother to call. Sure enough, she was there with her cell phone and its ringer turned off.

When she got in the door, I started to lecture her on the importance of communication. My first question was, “Why didn’t you call?”

She replied, “I did call, but you didn’t answer, so I left a message.”

I had been out of the house for about ten minutes at that time picking up the boys from their school when I missed the call on the home phone. Instead of trying to catch me on my cell or trying the home phone again, she gave up. I hadn’t even thought about checking the messages since I had my cell phone on me the entire time.

And so I was angry, but yeah, she had a valid excuse. Although her intentions were good, our communication was lost. Again and again I stressed the importance to her of communication and how both of us have to be on the same page. It’s been a few months now since she’s started high school and been using a cell phone, so we’ve had a few months to even out the bumps.

Looking at her, I’m reminded of communication between young couples and what a learning curve it can be. As good as intentions might be, they often get overshadowed by perceptions or misunderstandings. We need to keep listening and watching so that we can learn the language of our spouses.

If the hand doesn’t say to the brain, “This is hot,” the brain will go about other business while the hand is destroyed by the heat. In order for two to function as one, they need to be in communication with each other.

The fact is, we will get angry, but the key to a good relationship is being able to relay that frustration in love. A good rule of thumb? Love your husband enough to trust his intentions. Rather than get upset at something he’s done, give him the
benefit of the doubt and ask yourself if it’s a malicious act on his part or if it’s a matter of miscommunication. Getting along has everything to do with putting aside your desire to have things your way so that you might strengthen the bond of unity.

What happens when we don’t communicate? When we don’t tell our husbands what we expect, what we need, and how much we hurt? Like any wound that is left untreated, it risks getting infected.

Take my pug Bailey for instance. My puppies are like all little pugs. They have a billion folds in their faces and ears. Pugs are known for their wrinkles, but they’re also known to get infections because of the dirt that collects within them. As cute and cuddly as they are, I have to ensure that I clean their faces and ears well.

Since Bailey (my older pug) is a 24/7 lapdog, this really isn’t difficult to maintain. While she’s lying on my lap, I’ll flip her ears over and check them several times a day. I do it without even thinking about it anymore, and I don’t think she notices either.

A few months ago I noticed a little problem—she was scratching feverishly at her left ear. Before even flipping it open I could smell the infection. How did I miss that? Looking back on it later, I realized that she always lies on her left side when she cuddles up on the couch. Therefore I’m always cleaning her right ear, ignoring the left. The poor little thing!

We picked up some medicine for her, and within a few days she was back to her old self. I wasn’t impressed with myself for
overlooking such an important part of her health, but I did learn a little something about infections: (1) left untreated, they spread fast, and (2) prevention is better than medicine.

Apply that wisdom to your marriage, and you will see why communication is important. If you leave infections untreated, they can quickly spread and get out of control. But by keeping the lines of communication open, you prevent feelings of anger and frustration from building up to be more than they should be.