Messy Beautiful Love (11 page)
Here’s a letter that I received from a reader who was struggling to understand the difference between nagging and communicating. The root of her question was, do we have a right to speak up when we’re not happy with a situation?
Dear Darlene,
I’m having a little trouble understanding the difference between nagging and my right to speak up when I should.
We’ve been married for fifteen years. During the first few years of marriage, my husband seemed to enjoy taking care of our house. He would fix little things that were broken and didn’t mind pitching in. Unfortunately things have changed. He’s always busy at work, and the house is a far second, which usually means that things don’t get done.
I wouldn’t complain except that things are falling apart, and I’m frustrated. It’s like he either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care anymore. I’ve tried sliding it into conversation, but even that’s not what it used to be.
So here’s my question. Do I have a right to speak up? Do I have a voice in this marriage, or am I supposed to be quiet and let him live the way he wants to live?
Thanks so much,
Holding My Tongue
Dear Holding My Tongue,
Thank you for your letter. I’m so blessed that you are seeking God’s way for your marriage. Communication is important to both men and women. We don’t always see it that way because men communicate differently. Many women say that their husbands won’t talk to them, but if you stop to watch the way he expresses himself, after a while you’ll become more familiar with his method of communication.
It could be any one of several reasons why your husband doesn’t tend to duties around the house. I could guess and guess again, but without knowing him and your particular situation I would probably be off the mark.
So the best thing that I can suggest is to keep those lines of communication open. If it’s a matter of resentment, overwork, a sense of failure, stress, or distraction, he might finally come out and say it but not until he trusts you deeply with his heart.
You said, “Do I have a voice in this marriage, or am I supposed to be quiet and let him live the way he wants to live?” My answer would be to approach him with your requests but do so in love.
The Bible warns women about nagging, which tells us that this isn’t anything new. Women have been nagging their husbands for thousands of years, but through the Word, God shows us that there is a better way to communicate. We should approach our husbands with love and humility—a hope that holds no expectation. And above all, be kind, tenderhearted, and willing to forgive. That’s how you’ll win his heart.
Looking to the Bible, we see a prime example in Esther, who approached the king (her husband) with honor and respect. She made her petition known and left it in his hands to make the decision.
Another example is Jesus, who lived in submission to the Father in heaven. Praying in the Garden of Gethsemane, He said, “Not my will, but thine, be done” (Luke 22:42).
Don’t misunderstand the meaning of biblical submission. We
do
have a voice and an opinion. If we stifle our pain and our hurt we may grow to resent the men we once loved. When bitterness sets in, it takes root and will grow over time unless it is removed and replaced with something better. Be encouraged to share your thoughts, but hold back on the resentment if things don’t go your way. Don’t forget that God is in control and can change things at any time. Just do your part, and let God handle the rest.
Blessings,
Darlene
How do you treat a box that arrives at your door labeled “Fragile: Handle with Care”? When I see that, I make every effort not to shake up the contents, tip the box, or cut into it quickly. Wouldn’t it be something if God stamped that message upon every person’s heart? If He sent us into the world with a warning that read, “Handle this one with care”? Maybe we’d stop shaking things up as much as we do. Maybe we’d think twice before tipping scales in our favor. And perhaps we wouldn’t be so quick to cut into people who hurt us. Maybe we’d handle their hearts with more care than we do.
Here’s the thing. That’s exactly what God has ordained us to do. Maybe it’s not written on a sticker and slapped onto a box, but the message is every bit as clear: “Be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you” (Eph. 4:32).
I didn’t deserve Michael’s love and forgiveness. I didn’t deserve my family, and I didn’t deserve to be loved by those whom I hurt. But in that moment of darkness when one person in this world cared enough to display the covenant-keeping love of Jesus Christ to His church, I turned from my sin and clung to the grace of God that is strong enough to break the bonds of sin and death.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
Turning my head in disbelief, I looked over at my husband, who was weeping at the side of our bed. “What? What do
you
have to be sorry for?” I asked. My thoughts were swimming in shame and confusion.
“This isn’t all
your
fault,” he replied. “If I had only done things differently. If I had been more—”
“No,” I sobbed, kneeling before him, “I won’t let you take on my sin.”
“Listen to me,” Michael said, with tears streaming down his face. “I have a responsibility in this too.”
I couldn’t accept that, and I wouldn’t. But still his words transformed me like nothing else ever had.
Forgiveness is one thing, but kind and tenderhearted
forgiveness is yet another. It excels the wisdom of man, reflecting the love of Christ.
In that moment of compassion and grace, I was reminded of our Savior, who said, “Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more” (John 8:11
NKJV
).
THE CHALLENGE
Practice communicating with your husband in love. Avoid the temptation to lash out in anger by keeping your tongue under control. No eye rolling, no stamping, and no raising your voice. Being gentle and patient might not come easily to you, but as with anything else, you will get better with practice.
Be the Woman Your Husband Needs You to Be
U
SUALLY,
I
GET UP WITH THE KIDS IN THE
morning, we enjoy breakfast together, and I get them ready for school before taking a nap. This particular morning, however, Michael let me sleep in.
I’m pretty sure it had a lot to do with my bouncing around the house at 4:00 a.m. like a kitten with a new tennis ball. I had gone to bed early enough, but I just couldn’t sleep.
When I can’t sleep, I hop out of bed for any and every reason I can possibly think of. Did I turn the stove off? Is the back
door unlocked? Did I charge the cell phone? Do I really have to tinkle again? Is that a hair that I feel on my chin?
Then my legs get choosy. One wants to be warm while the other is cool. I devise a plan to make both of them happy, by flipping one leg over the blankets. My back is cold, but not cold enough for a blanket, so I pull the top sheet up to my neck.
We have a king-sized bed, but since more than half of it is a waste we could probably make do with a twin. With pillows together, I squeeze in tight behind Michael’s back where I can take in his scent. I swear there’s no better smell on this earth except maybe a newborn—that just might be a tie.
After hours of tossing and turning and shifting and shuffling, Michael rolled over and finally asked, “You can’t sleep?”
“No,” I answered, “I’ve been wide awake for hours!” I let out a sigh.
“Turn off your alarm,” he said. “I’ll get up with the kids in the morning.”
An invitation like that is one I take in a hurry.
At 8:00 a.m. I heard Michael rustling around in the bedroom. The jingling of change and the pace of his footsteps suggested he might need some attention.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
“No,” he answered, “I lost my keys.” And with that he hurried out of the room and back down the stairs.
The bed was inviting. My legs had finally made up their minds, and my cool back had warmed up to the sheet. All I wanted to do was roll over and drift back to sleep, but I figured that getting up to find keys was a better idea.
A man without keys is like a woman experiencing PMS without chocolate. The entire house comes to a screeching halt until the problem is solved.
Putting on my robe, I hustled down the stairs where I found him tossing boots and shoes in the mudroom. By then he was running late. The kids decided to walk, but Michael had no choice. He couldn’t leave without the keys. He had only two keys for the Jeep. One was lost, and the other was at work.
We spent the next hour retracing his steps, inspecting the sofa, sorting through trash, checking pockets, and searching through drawers. Anyplace that you can imagine, we thought of. We even tossed the bed twice.
We didn’t find Michael’s set of keys, but we did find three extra house keys, an
extra
Jeep key, a blue thumb ring, and a channel changer. All was not lost.
Standing in the kitchen, Michael lifted me onto the counter, held me around the waist, and leaned in. “Ugh. . . . Thank you,” he said. “I can’t believe how this morning is going.”
He was able to get to his shop with the extra Jeep key we found, but once he got there things went from bad to worse. The employees were there to let him in, but his office door was still locked. The extra key to his office? It was inside his desk.
Hearing my husband tell me about how he climbed up a ladder and crawled through the ceiling to get over the wall got us both laughing so hard I was crying. I couldn’t imagine my conservative husband with dress shirt and tie crawling anywhere, let alone through the ceiling at work. If laughter is medicine, we’re both due for a healthy checkup, let me tell you!
By the way, the keys were in his jacket pocket—the very
first
place I told him to look, but he switched jackets the night before, and it slipped his mind. A morning like that reminds me of my created purpose in life, which is that of being his helper: “The L
ORD
God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him” (Gen. 2:18). God could have populated this world exclusively with men, but He chose to create human beings who are perfectly suited, yet different from men in so many ways.
Michael could have looked for his keys alone, and he might have found them alone, but how much more comforting is it to have someone who walks alongside you? Someone to keep you warm at night, pick you up when you fall, help carry your burden, and remind you to laugh when life brings you down.
Have you ever realized that almost every living creature, including man, was created from the dust of this earth? The woman was the exception. The Bible makes a point of telling us this. Why? Because the woman was taken from the man so that she might return to that union as one with him.
Consider this verse
,
“Therefore shall a man leave his
father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Gen. 2:24). Have you ever noticed that little word
cleave
tucked into this verse? And have you ever stopped to consider its significance? It means to keep, to stick with, and to hold close to, but there’s also a deeper meaning.
A cleft is a split, a crack, or a division. We can look at cleaving this way: to divide along the natural grain forming a cleft is necessary when grafting two plants together. In order for those plants to survive this new union, they must be completely sealed.
When I consider this grafting of two plants, I can’t help being reminded that God created Eve
from
Adam. When two are joined together in marriage, they return to their original state of union. A husband opens himself to envelop his bride, and the two grow together as one. When they are completely sealed by the Holy Spirit, that union is protected and strengthened. Like a cord of three strands, it’s not easily broken.
Looking again at Genesis 2:18, we see the term
help meet
, which in the Hebrew text is
ezer kenegdo
. One scholar offers the translation as “sustainer beside him.”
1
The word
ezer
is found several times throughout the Old Testament when describing
God
as our helper. But the fascinating part is that in nearly every reference where this term is used, God is coming to the rescue as He protects His people and defeats the enemy. One writer suggested, “A better translation . . . of
ezer
would be ‘life-saver.’
Kenegdo
means alongside, or opposite to, a counterpart.”
2
How does that relate to my role as a wife? Reading these passages, I wonder whether my purpose in being a help meet runs deeper than doing the dishes, looking for keys, or folding his socks. Could it be that my purpose is to fight alongside my husband in battle? Could it be that my role as a help meet is to pray for him, encourage him in his walk of faith, and exemplify a strong faith of my own?
Don’t get me wrong. Titus 2 calls women to be good keepers of their homes, so don’t put down the duster just yet! But being a good keeper of the home includes watching over the affairs of your family—in other words guarding the castle from harm. What I suggest here is that we make a conscious effort to nurture our husbands spiritually through prayer and encouragement, so that we are the helpers that we were created to be.
Let’s suit up for battle by putting on the armor of God in accordance with Ephesians 6. This verse stands out to me as I consider the ways in which our families come under attack:
“
Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked” (Eph. 6:16). Our husbands, our children, and we ourselves are constantly faced with negative messages. When we stand strong in faith, we are prepared to quench each and every one with wisdom and strength from the Lord. This is why it’s so important that we stand guard over our hearts and our loved ones.
The idea that you were created to be your husband’s helper
is not popular in our modern culture. The moment you bring up this topic, the question of equality rises, and once again you’re reminded that for the past forty years women have been fighting for
equal
rights and
equal
pay.