Messy Beautiful Love (12 page)

I’m not talking about
equality
here. It’s clear in Scripture that Jesus had good relationships with women, just as He did with men, and He showed a great level of respect toward them. What I’m talking about is
identity.
When the two are confused, a problem arises. The lines between men and women are blurred while many in our society refuse to accept them as different.

In her book
The Female Brain
, Louann Brizendine, MD, wrote, “There are those who wish there were no differences between men and women. In the 1970s at the University of California, Berkeley, the buzzword among young women was ‘mandatory unisex,’ which meant that it was politically incorrect even to mention sex difference. There are still those who believe that for women to become equal, unisex must be the norm. The biological reality, however, is that there is no unisex brain.”
³

The Bible is rich with instruction on marriage as it outlines the roles of both husbands and wives. But when these roles don’t make enough sense or make readers uncomfortable, they are often discarded, twisted, or ignored. Here’s the thing. The Bible instructs believers to be set apart from this world, meaning
this age
or
this period of time
. In other words, we shouldn’t
conform to its standards just because it’s the popular thing to do. If we say that we love God and seek His will for our lives, we have to be willing to follow His wisdom regardless of what popular opinions may be. God’s commandments for marriage are every bit as fresh and relevant today as they were when He originally laid them out for us in Scripture.

The words
submission
and
help meet
are often paired together, and well they should be because both are commanded of wives in Scripture. The misconception, however, is that submission means women are less than men (here’s that argument of equality again) and that this mind-set is old-fashioned and degrading to women.

The truth is that submission and equality are two different things.
Submission
is yielding your will for the good of another. It is putting another ahead of yourself. It’s a choice that you make out of respect, love, and reverence. And for me it’s a decision that’s powered by faith.
Equality
of people refers to our value. We have equality among all men and women, yet some are in positions of authority over us, such as members of Congress, senators, and governors. They are in no way of greater value than the people they serve.

We see this pattern everywhere in our social system, but to get a better understanding of God’s will for mankind, we have the infallible example of Jesus Christ found in Paul’s letter to the Philippians:
“
Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: who, being in the form of God, thought it not
robbery to be equal with God: but made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: and being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross” (Phil. 2:5–8). With that scripture in mind, I understand that I’m in every way equal to my husband, but I shouldn’t take advantage of equality for my own pleasure or gain. My desire is to please God by humbling myself and taking on the role of a help meet. If my Lord and Savior took on the role of a servant, why shouldn’t I?

We were created by an almighty God who fashioned us to uniquely fit the desires of man. Because of that master design, we shouldn’t let anyone say that our role as a wife is demeaning, undignified, or degrading. It’s an honor to be sculpted by the Maker according to plan. Where men lack, we abound, and vice versa. No one can fill the role of a help meet like a woman can. You can never put two identical pieces of a puzzle together, but when you find one piece that fills the space that another one lacks, you start to see a bigger picture come to life.

Men and women are two very different beings. But in order to be politically correct, people accept that the lines of difference between a male and a female are blurred. Not only are the differences blurred, but pop culture encourages us to experiment with our sexuality while discouraging us from speaking out. It’s time to speak out against this modern
mind-set and to reclaim who we were created to be; after all we are the ones who are raising the next generation. If the lines are blurred, draw new ones. Be politically
incorrect
if you must, but count it an honor to be created a woman according to the perfect wisdom of God: “God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them” (Gen. 1:27).

Part of our role as wives is to offer emotional support to our husbands. We should be there to pick them up when life pulls them down and to cheer them on when the going gets tough. But there’s so much more. Life is a spiritual war. Our husbands need us to ride beside them into battle anytime they come under attack. I’m prepared to meet my husband’s needs
today
, but what if they change
tomorrow
? Will I be prepared?

It’s easy for a marriage to thrive when conditions are good. Seriously, how bad can life be when our greatest stress is looking for keys? But what about those times when the going gets really tough? Stress, sickness, poverty, and death are realities for many families.

Michael and I never dreamed that we’d ever come to the place that we did. In fact we’d often remark about how we were the happiest couple in the world. And we were for a time. Nothing would ever come between us, or
so we thought
. But sin and temptation have a stronger pull on the heart than we realize, which is why we must stand strong against the enemy. We have to be ready at all times to fight for our marriages.

We never know what the future will bring. God does, which is why He allows our faith to be tried in hopes that we’ll grow spiritually. He knows that in order for us to be prepared for
tomorrow,
we must be exercised by faith
today
.

If I just stopped there—discussing the role of a wife—we’d have much to think on and some good instruction for marriage, but we’d be missing out on a beautiful truth. We’d be overlooking the greatest part of creation and how it pertains to our purpose.

If you’ve ever wondered why God created this massive solar system that extends so far beyond our galaxy that astronomers couldn’t possibly imagine its width or its depth; and if you ever questioned why in the midst of this ginormous creation He hung the earth, the moon, and the stars; if you wondered how and why He created man from the dust of the earth, the answer is simple: it’s all for
His
pleasure. As John wrote, “Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created” (Rev. 4:11). We weren’t accidents, afterthoughts, or blips on His radar. We were created with the intent of bringing Him pleasure, and what truly brings God pleasure is obedience to His Word.

A happy marriage is not the goal; it is the inevitable fruit of a Christ-centered relationship. When a husband and a wife build a Christ-centered marriage where each is fulfilling his or her God-given role, they bring honor and glory to God.

|   
TEN
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Be Affectionate in Ways That Are Pleasing to God

D
O YOU REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME YOUR
husband reached out for your hand? The first time his arm brushed up against yours? What about the day you shared your first kiss?

I remember ours.

We were standing on a rickety old footbridge next to the park where I grew up, looking down at the river. It was at least ten years since I had stood on that old bridge, and it was just as rundown as I had remembered. But there was something about it that drew me back time and again. Adventure
perhaps? The wood was well aged, and a few of its planks were missing, which is probably what attracted us kids to it in the first place.

My sisters used to race their bicycles across it and wait for me on the other side, but I preferred to white knuckle the railing with a slow and steady walk. If I was going to die, it would be in a hospital bed near a bowl of cherry Jell-O, not plunging into the depths of the river below me. Can you call three feet of water “depths”? I guess when you’re eight years old, you consider anything over two feet as deep water.

Fourteen years later, I was standing on the same bridge, looking at the same murky green water with Michael. Planks were still missing, and the wood wasn’t getting any younger, but I felt safer than I ever had. I was standing at the edge of the world with my best friend, and there was no place on earth like it.

We had been friends for months already, spending much of the summer together, going on picnics, and taking long walks—nothing too serious. But that day was different. There was something in the air, and it wasn’t the smell of algae.

Turning toward me, Michael leaned in, and for the first time his lips met mine. It was the kind of moment I had been dreaming about for years. Everything about it was perfect, including and especially the man I was with.

To this day I love the sights and sounds of the riverbank. Just last summer we took our kids there to show them the
bridge and reminisce about the old days. Unfortunately, the wood has been replaced by much sturdier concrete, but the riverbank is the same way we left it—a stagnant but beautiful murky green.

I also remember the first time we held hands. His arm often brushed up against mine when we were sitting in church or taking a walk in the park. It was usually just a slight touch, but it was enough to put my stomach in knots and get the butterflies moving. Every look and every touch went straight to my heart, but nothing compared to that moment when his fingers finally slipped into mine. Two puzzle pieces fitting together as one.

The stars were aglow. The summer air swept through, washing over us with a fresh breeze from the lake, and the two of us walked hand in hand. The touch of his skin brought a new dimension to our relationship; perhaps one could call it the “language” of touch. And maybe we should. After all, one touch can say more in a single moment than our words ever could. After twenty-five years I can say without a doubt that we continue to speak this language and to learn as each year goes by.

I can’t imagine any relationship thriving without touch any more than I could imagine two people living in a house where they never communicated a single thought to each other. How sad would that be? We hear plenty about the importance of communication, and we should because it’s a vital part of any growing relationship. But what we don’t hear enough about is
the importance of touch and how it plays a vital part in bonding two people together.

If you’re a mother, you’ll likely remember the first moments spent with your newborn. We have a natural desire to hold them during those first years of bonding. As they grow to the point where they are crawling and walking, we must continue to offer them physical contact. It may be in the way that we hug our children, hold hands with them, or offer a gentle pat on the back.

I remember when my son Graham was born. He’s one of those babies who, like many others, suffered from jaundice. His bilirubin count was off the charts. All my babies had it, but Graham definitely suffered the most. He was always the sick one. They placed him in a glass box that resembled a fish tank, and for several days our little one remained there under the lights. In order to protect his eyes, they glued Velcro to the sides of his face and put a little blindfold on him. The tank had circles cut out of the side wall so we parents could put our hands in and massage the baby while he slept. I’d often stand at the side of Graham’s tank, rubbing his little back or holding his hand just so he’d know I was there, but nothing compared to the skin-to-skin contact we had when he was out of the tank. Just being able to hold him while he ate was a necessary part of the bonding process for both of us.

Let’s stop and consider this: if our physical touch and affection nourish growing children and are necessary to the
bonding process, imagine the nourishment and bonding they bring to a growing relationship between a husband and a wife.

Here’s an excerpt from an article I came across by Benedict Carey discussing the effects of physical touch and its benefit to team sports:

To see whether a rich vocabulary of supportive touch is in fact related to performance, scientists at Berkeley recently analyzed interactions in one of the most physically expressive arenas on earth: professional basketball. Michael W. Kraus led a research team that coded every bump, hug and high five in a single game played by each team in the National Basketball Association early last season.

In a paper due out this year in the journal
Emotion
, Mr. Kraus and his co-authors, Cassy Huang and Dr. Keltner, report that with a few exceptions, good teams tended to be touchier than bad ones.
¹

Carey went on to say—and this is my favorite part of the study—that the part of the brain that solves problems responds to touch, sending it a message of relaxation. He wrote, “In effect, the body interprets a supportive touch as ‘I’ll share the load.’ ”
²

Isn’t that what being a couple is all about? Sharing the load, being there to support and encourage each other. We can see from the study that touch can be as simple as a high five,
but maybe a hug would translate better between a husband and a wife.

I wasn’t always a hugger, and we weren’t much of a hugging family when I was growing up. I remember leaning in and kissing my mom on the cheek every night before bed, but other than that we didn’t touch all that much.