Messy Beautiful Love (17 page)
Here’s a letter that I received from a widow who was urging us to appreciate our husbands while we still have them.
Dear Darlene,
I went into marriage with the storybook idea of living happily ever after. When my “knight in shining armor” turned out to be just a local peasant, I turned bitter. I was
constantly on his case trying to change him into the person I wanted him to be. Every little thing he did that displeased me became blown out of proportion, and I made sure to point his faults out constantly.
I went through years of hell wishing I had never married him and wishing he were someone else. I never really took a good long look at myself or saw what a nag I had become. I got angry when others would say how “hen pecked” my husband had become, and I would think that they didn’t really know this man like I did.
When Jesus came into my life, I began to see my faults and to change a lot of my actions. I finally learned to live in contentment and be thankful for the great man I had. I couldn’t believe how my husband stood by me all of those years.
Suddenly my husband passed away after 35 years of marriage, and now I am alone.
I am writing this in the hopes that some of the younger women will change their minds and attitudes before it’s too late. For every fault you see in your husband, you will find as many, or more, in yourself. Learn to be content with what you have and build on that foundation.
The funny thing is that those little things he used to do—the things that would annoy me so much—are
the things that I miss the most now. I miss him leaving his clothes lying around. I miss him taking so much time in the bathroom. I miss having to clean up after him. But most of all—I miss him.
I wish I could have started out my marriage with God in control, because I wouldn’t have so many regrets today.
We don’t realize what we have till it is taken from us.
Sincerely,
The Aged
Are you a Caroline Ingalls, or do you tend to have more days when things get under your skin and you find yourself saying, “Why me?” We all know how it is; it seems that the minute everything is going along great, it starts falling apart. And then there are other times when, like Job, you seem to have one trouble after another and start to wonder if things will ever let up.
Living in Canada, I can’t help being reminded of our bitter-cold winters. They are long and harsh. Just running to the store to pick up a jug of milk is a huge undertaking. We have to let the car warm up for a while, scrape the car windows, bundle up for the ride, and depending on the recent snowfall, we might have to shovel the vehicle out of the driveway. During those months I wonder if we’ll ever enjoy another hot summer day.
It’s really hard to imagine, but sure enough the snow eventually melts, and the flowers bloom again.
It’s hard to look past the moment. Irritations, whether big or small, have a way of spoiling an otherwise beautiful day, don’t they? Even when you believe that things are bound to turn around, it’s difficult to look up.
So how do we fix it? How can we make our world a better place so that we’ll be happy within it? The answer is that we can’t and we shouldn’t expect to.
There will be days when you wake up on the wrong side of the bed and wish you could crawl back in. There will be people who disappoint you so badly that all you’re left with are the shattered pieces of your heart. There will be pain, there will be loss, and there will be tears. But God in His wisdom is good. Joy comes from within, not without.
Have you ever wondered why God cursed Adam and Eve? Here are His words:
Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life; thorns also and
thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field; In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return. (Gen. 3:16–19)
We know that the Curse is the result of man’s sin. Why then are we, who are forgiven of sin, still living under the Curse? Because the Curse is a constant reminder that we are in desperate need of salvation. It was designed with a purpose—put there for our good—so that we might understand our need for a Savior.
God is treating us as dear children, and like a true Father, He disciplines us for our good. It’s never pleasant at the time, but with each trial we grow more disciplined, and we learn. The more that we take our focus off the things of this world, we turn our hearts and our minds toward God.
My problem was that every time I faced disappointment, I focused on the world, assuming that the grass was greener beyond my fence. I was looking outward for a solution when the real issue was that I needed to grow in contentment, forgiveness, understanding, and love. When we run from our problems, we don’t learn to solve them. But when we patiently trust God with our hearts, He leads us safely through to the other side. Not necessarily
comfortably
, but safely nonetheless.
I haven’t arrived yet. But then again no one has. Marriage
is a lifelong journey that leads us to grow every step of the way. I’m still walking in faith, but my focus is on the Lord.
We can’t change the world around us completely, but we can change the way we relate to it so that while we’re riding the waves, we keep an even keel. All too often we have that reversed. We spend all our energy focused on changing our surroundings so that we’ll feel better, happier, contented, and relaxed—when the reality is that this peace comes from within.
The sooner we learn to let go and let God take the wheel, the sooner we start enjoying the ride.
THE CHALLENGE
The next time things don’t go as planned, choose joy. Your initial reaction might be one of disappointment, but you have the ability to turn that around and thank God in the moment. If your husband is doing things his way? If he’s not living according to plan? Handle things wisely, communicate your desire in love, and avoid any temptation to nag.
Walk in Virtue According to Wisdom
M
ICHAEL HAS THE PATIENCE OF
J
OB
. S
OME
days I wish that I had even a fraction of his patience. And the temperance. And the kindness. And the humility. The man’s not perfect—don’t get me wrong—but he often reminds me that virtue is a beautiful thing.
It was Mother’s Day. The sun was shining, the smell of spring was in the air, and according to Michael I had some shopping to do. Not only did I need to pick up a little something for my mother (yeah, I tend to procrastinate), he also wanted me to pick up a few clothes for myself.
Shortly after lunch we hopped into the Jeep and went for a drive. Since his back wasn’t feeling so great, Michael wanted to stay in the car while my daughter and I ran into the store. He didn’t mind if we took awhile as long as I found something I liked.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t as easy as all that. After trying on shirt after shirt, I decided that nothing I liked was worth buying. A few things fit, but I wasn’t about to walk around town looking like Midlife Crisis Barbie. I needed something modest and comfortable. It was difficult being so picky when I knew that my husband was waiting patiently outside in the Jeep.
Finally I got back to the vehicle, hopped in my seat with a smile on my face, and said, “Thanks for waiting. That was a lot of fun!” Truth be told, it wasn’t a
lot
of fun. It started out that way but became a frustrating experience. I was trying to muster up the best attitude I could. After all, he had been waiting about forty-five minutes.
Taking one look at me, Michael said, “You didn’t pick up anything for yourself, did you?”
“Um, no,” I answered, “but that’s totally fine. I get things all the time!”
Insisting that I find something nice, he drove across town and parked in the box-store parking lot. In our city, this is considered the cream of the crop for clothes shopping. Surrounded by clothing stores, anyone and everyone will
likely find
something
to wear. I guess I’m not anyone or everyone because after about another hour and a half, I was still empty-handed. Madison was making out just fine. She found too many outfits.
Again I went back to the hot car without a purchase. Michael gave me
the look
. “Still nothing?”
I was worn out, and I told him so. I didn’t want to struggle with yet another top that I couldn’t pull over my head or a pair of pants that I couldn’t zip up. I really wanted to give up. After all, he had been sitting in the car all afternoon. This was getting ridiculous on my part. Surely he wanted to leave.
Driving out of the lot, he spotted a shop that neither of us had ever stepped foot in. As far as I knew, it was an old-lady store. I might be struggling with my weight, and I am getting close to fifty, but I’m not ready for elastic-waist pants that pull up to my chest.
“Humor me,” he said. “Please, just one more?”
I don’t know anyone who would be willing to sit in the hot sun doing absolutely nothing for several hours while his wife goes inside shopping for clothes. Seriously? How could I even think of torturing this man for another minute?
“Please,” he insisted. And he pulled into the lot where he parked in front of the store. “One more try.”
I not only found a store that was well stocked in my size; I discovered that it had some pretty cute clothes. I picked up two skirts, a couple of T-shirts, and a lightweight denim
jacket. I walked out of that store with a smile on my face and two shopping bags in hand. Michael’s patience paid off.
Patience is a virtue that’s not easy to come by, at least not for me. But then again good things rarely come easily, do they?
Walking in virtue is a struggle that we face every day. Whether we’re talking about patience, kindness, forgiveness, or humility, we’re called to lay down our desires for the good of another: “As God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity” (Col. 3:12–14
NIV
).
We’ve all heard of the virtuous woman described in Proverbs 31, and we all know that patience is a virtue, but what does the word really mean? Another question might be: what is the difference between good
values
and
virtues
? Seeing the difference between the two and the importance of virtue helps me not only to understand Scripture but also to take the necessary steps to apply it to my life.
Values
vary from person to person according to his or her cultural upbringing, social standing, and adherence to faith. They are the things that we deem important, such as valuing friendships and honesty.
Virtues
refer to “conformity to a standard of right: morality.”
1
The key word is
conformity
. Christian virtues are evident
in our living by the wisdom of God. Not perfectly as we’re all growing in grace, but we should be building our faith upon them daily. The most common Christian virtues are purity, benevolence (desire toward goodwill), diligence, patience, kindness, and humility, and there are many others.
Before we talk more about virtue, we should also talk about knowledge because it’s so important that the two of them go hand in hand: “Beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge” (2 Peter 1:5). When we walk in virtue, we declare God’s glory to the world. We become beacons of light in the darkness. But in order to do that we must start with seeking the will of God through prayer and searching the Scriptures. That’s where we find direction. As the psalmist wrote, “Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path” (Ps. 119:105).
If we watch talk shows hoping to gain marital advice or search the Internet seeking answers, we’re being spoon-fed by society. We may find something of use, yes, but unless we’re able to compare it to the truth found in Scripture, we can easily be led astray. In fact this often happens.
Even more damaging are the seemingly intelligent people who offer advice to Christians based on a secular view rather than biblical principles. It’s more damaging because we are trusting, and those who are weak in the faith can be easily swayed.
“You deserve to be happy!” That sounds pretty good
coming from a woman with a PhD, stylishly coifed hair, and well-manicured nails, never mind the fact that her life isn’t anywhere close to being in line with God’s Word. She might have some values, but let’s not confuse values with Christian virtue. Go to the Scriptures for guidance, and if you still need direction, speak to someone you know who is walking in virtue and truth.
God seeks an
eternal
plan for your life and understands the blessings that come with self-sacrifice. Living in glory and virtue says that our lives, our choices, and our conduct will be lined up with the principles laid out in the Bible, not the messages that society is tossing our way.
It’s so easy to get caught up in the mind-set of pop culture. I know that I did for a time. We tell ourselves that God wants us to be happy, and so we make decisions based on a temporal high and ignore God’s bigger plan for our souls. That way of thinking led me into a place of darkness and despair that I pray you never find. God offers joy and peace to those who are exercised by obedience. That’s much different from seeking happiness regardless of the cost. Faith says that I’m going to put my trust in Him whether it feels like I’m walking on glass or soaking my feet at the spa. That’s what determines virtue.