Devotion (21 page)

“When it gets tough, remember who you’re becoming. Keep faith in what you’re doing
now
. Trust Juliet to see you’re not just working on winning her back, like some kind of a prize. You’re reforming from a point of sincerity and love that she’ll have no choice but to acknowledge…in time.”

Kellen turned away from the window and looked back at his pastor. “Back to that again, eh? Time.”

“Afraid so. You said you’re back to studying your Bible each morning?”

Kellen nodded. Doing so provided a lifeline to sanity.

“Let me give you a few scripture passages that I think will help.” Pastor Gene reached into the drawer of his desk and lifted out a pen and some paper. He began to jot down notes about books of the Bible and accompanying verses. “Beyond that, maintain whatever trust you build with Juliet by never letting it waver. If these sessions move forward in a positive way, and if both of you agree to it, maybe you could attend together. It’s another goal to keep in mind.”

Kellen nodded and accepted the paper Pastor Gene extended, but he didn’t think either goal was even remotely achievable.

****

The door between Dr. Roth’s waiting room and examination area swung open. A sweet young nurse waited at the threshold with a chart in hand and a welcoming smile in place. “Juliet? You can come on back.”

Nervous flutters beat against Juliet’s insides. She set aside the magazine she had been paging through and stood. Seated next to her, Kellen looked up in question. “Should I come with you?”

“No, not yet. They’ll call you in after my preliminary work-up and after Dr. Roth has a chance to examine me.” When she walked toward the nurse, she could have sworn she felt the touch of his gaze upon her.

The visit began with a typical height/weight/blood pressure screening. The nurse didn’t say much beyond typical pleasantries…until she completed the blood pressure check. At that point, she frowned. “Your numbers are still high, but we’ll see what the doctor has to say when she sees you.” Tapping notes into a laptop, the nurse continued. “I know your bladder is full for the ultrasound, but did you bring a first-morning sample?”

Juliet nodded and handed off a wrapped, plastic vial. A strip-dip later, along came another frown. “Your levels are good, except for the proteins. They seem high.”

Juliet’s nerve endings started to skip and hum. “That’s obviously not good.”

“No…not if it continues, but again, you’ve been a patient of ours for years, and you’ve never had these symptoms before. We’ll let Dr. Roth take a look and move forward from here, but don’t get too worried at this point. These things happen, and we just need to be on top of it.”

The nurse smiled in kind assurance. Instinctively Juliet placed a gentle hand against the swell of her womb. She was coming along so well and finally getting over morning sickness. She didn’t want to consider the possibility of something being wrong with the baby, or her pregnancy. No way could she handle such a thing.
Be with me, God.

Minutes later, ensconced in a small exam room that was warmed by a space heater, Juliet stripped down to her underwear and tucked her arms into the sleeves of the blue and white flowered hospital gown. Next to the exam table stood the ultra sound machine. Juliet nibbled her lower lip, trying hard not to worry.

Dr. Roth entered the room not long after, carrying Juliet’s file. Lab coat snapping, stethoscope tucked into the right front pocket, Dr. Roth’s commanding but caring presence filled the room immediately.

Following a brief update on Juliet’s overall health, she went through her warnings. “Your blood pressure is high again, Juliet. I’m becoming a little concerned.”

A chill worked its way clear through to her bones. “What do you mean?”

Dr. Roth set aside Juliet’s chart. “It might mean nothing. You’ve always presented as a healthy, strong patient. You haven’t had a history of hypertension before now, so what concerns me is what’s referred to as gestational hypertension. It can lead to a condition called Preeclampsia that could lead to premature labor or developmental issues for the baby. There was an elevation in the proteins of your urine as well, which again, is something I’m going to keep an eye on. Don’t worry too much about it at this point, but I’m going to keep on top of it and gauge what to do as your pregnancy progresses.”

She seemed non-alarmist. That was reassuring—even if her words and the latest results of Juliet’s lab work didn’t quite synchronize with that measured, professional sense of calm.

Dr. Roth continued. “I’m not going to medicate yet, but I encourage you to make certain you eat well and exercise. Also, I realize this pregnancy means a lot to you and Kellen. I hope that truth doesn’t have you feeling overly stressed and anxious.” Dr. Roth lifted Juliet’s chart once again and gave it a quick glance. “You’re thirty-three which is beyond the average age for having a first child, but again, I have no concerns about that because you present extremely well. Let’s see how the baby is doing to confirm everything is moving along the way it should. After that, we can discuss some plans to minimize my concerns.”

Juliet shivered outright, and not because of the too-thin protection of her cotton dressing gown. “Kellen is in the waiting room. He wanted to be here for the ultrasound.” Saying the words, feeling the emotion of them, made her smile in a tremulous way. “He wants to hear the baby’s heartbeat.”

Dr. Roth gave Juliet a wide smile and a nod. “Let’s get Dad in here.”

A short time later, Dr. Roth’s nurse led Kellen into the exam room. His eyes darted eagerly from Juliet to the doctor, and he stepped up to the exam table, resting a hand on Juliet’s arm. His fingers trembled against her skin.

“Kellen, it’s good to see you,” Dr. Roth greeted. “Congratulations.”

“Thanks. It’s good to see you, too.” He gave Juliet a lingering, tender look.

The ultrasound machine stood ready, and Dr. Roth assisted Juliet to a prone position, ready to get to work. “The ultrasound exam uses high-frequency sound waves to scan a woman's abdomen and pelvic cavity, creating a picture of the baby and the placenta.” Dr. Roth slid the hem of Juliet’s gown up to her breasts, exposing her slightly rounded stomach. The doctor squirted a blob of clear gel onto Juliet’s skin, and Juliet flinched a tad at the coolness of the liquid. Next, Dr. Roth took possession of a triangular shaped hand-held device with a metal roller-ball at the end. “I know the gel feels kind of gooey and cold, but it acts as a conductor for the sound waves.”

Kellen took hold of Juliet’s hand. She squeezed tight without a second thought. His eyes remained fixed on Dr. Roth’s motions as she began to run the receptor tool slowly and evenly across Juliet’s stomach.

“The sound waves bounce off bones and tissue returning back to the transducer to generate black and white images of the baby—and…there we are!” Dr. Roth’s face split into a smile and her eyes sparkled. That reassured Juliet tremendously. She had to lie still, but she craned her neck as best she could in order to see their baby for the first time. Kellen, too, leaned as far forward as he could, taking in the images on the monitor before them. Juliet cried out softly and felt tears build.

“Wow.” Juliet blinked, and she glanced at Kellen because they had spoken the word in perfect, joyful unison.

The awe Juliet saw in Kellen’s eyes turned radiant, flowing from his spirit into hers. Like touching the hem of Christ’s robe, Juliet experienced a stirring wave of
something
…something beautiful…that pushed beauty and joy through what was a sooty, black covering of sediment in her soul. Kellen bent his head and a stray teardrop hit their joined hands. The teardrop acted upon her heart, leaving her choked up as well.

Dr. Roth, who had probably witnessed such interactions hundreds of times before, smiled indulgently and continued on in a businesslike manner. “I see good development of the arms and spine and legs. And look…there’s the heart, and it’s pumping along just great.” A few more swipes of the device and Dr. Roth nodded with satisfaction. “Normal head and organ growth. Your baby seems to be developing just as expected.”

Recovered and enthralled, Kellen seemed to study every flickering image depicted on the monitor. Carried into the moment of discovering their child for the first time, so did Juliet. Shortly thereafter, Dr. Roth punched a few buttons on the machine; a whirring sound filled the air along with the scrape and zip of paper being printed.

“Give me just a second or two and you’ll have a couple of souvenirs,” she said.

While they waited for pictures to print, Dr. Roth wiped excess gel from Juliet’s abdomen then helped her reassemble so she could sit up again. “We can do a 3D image at six months or so if you’d like. We can also let you know the sex of the baby if you’re interested.”

Kellen and Juliet exchanged knowing looks and smiles as naturally as if they weren’t thrust into the midst of a marital nightmare.

“We’re going to wait to find out,” Juliet answered.

“Good enough. Here you go.” Dr. Roth presented them with two pictures of the ultrasound images and launched into a brief explanation of what they were looking at.

“Keep in mind what I told you about your blood pressure, Juliet. Also, I want to see you in two or three weeks instead of waiting a full month. Just to reiterate, I’m not overly worried about anything I’ve seen, but when high blood pressure and high urine proteins are discovered, I find it’s prudent to keep a closer eye on the pregnancy as it progresses. I just want to be able to preempt any problems.”

The reassurance worked for Juliet, but Kellen’s head snapped up, and his focus zeroed in on Juliet with palpable concern. She lost herself in his eyes before she could even stop herself.

“No worries, Kellen,” Dr. Roth interjected. “Juliet and the baby seem to be perfectly fine, but I’d prefer to err on the side of caution because this is her first pregnancy. Set up the appointment on your way out, Juliet, and we’ll see you soon. Come on, Kellen, we’ll let her get dressed.”

****

The day was summertime perfect. Temperatures hovered at around seventy-five degrees; clear, dry air and a cloudless blue sky stretched above them. Following the appointment, Kellen had suggested they eat lunch at Juliet’s favorite corner-side bistro, MaxiMia, a romantic restaurant located at the heart of Nashville’s business district. There, seated at a small, glass-topped table, he drank in the atmosphere and savored the moments he had just spent with his wife…and their unborn child.

A soft breeze rippled Juliet’s hair. He knew its silky-soft texture, its lavender-shampoo scent, by rote. The cardigan of her pale-yellow twin set caught the breeze just right and caused the cashmere fabric to inch down her shoulder, revealing the shell beneath—and slim, tan shoulders.

On instinct, Kellen reached out, capturing the edge of the cardigan between his first and index fingers. Using a gentle tug, he restored the material and looked into her eyes.

What he found there was in no way heartening. She looked at him with an expression of surprise at the tender gesture.

How sad was it that a small display of affection startled her?

They studied meal selections and Kellen peeked at her over the top of his menu. “Can I ask a personal question?” Juliet nodded slowly. He delivered a smile that came right from his heart, and he ached for her to feel every ounce of its warmth. “Do you have any weird cravings?”

Juliet burst out laughing, and the reaction took him by surprise. Her, too, judging by the way she quickly lowered her eyes and fidgeted. “The best thing in the world right now is celery sticks and peanut butter.”

Now Kellen laughed. “That doesn’t count. You’ve always loved celery sticks and peanut butter.”

“Best protein boost there is, pal.”

Did she realize she was joking with him? Did she realize her skin went a bit rosy? Did she realize they traveled the length of a marriage together—full of sharing, love, and a rich, beautiful history?

“I loved being with you today,” he said.

The waitress stepped up, forestalling any kind of a reply, which filled Kellen with frustration. They placed their orders and spent long minutes pouring over the black and white images of their baby, carefully reviewing each mega-pixel, exclaiming over every discernable feature.

But, as suddenly as storm clouds on the move, Juliet had looked at him, eyes wide, seeming to realize they were straying into comfort, and intimacy. She closed up after that, focusing quietly on the crowd around them. Their food arrived and he watched her pick at her Caesar salad served with a side of crispy, fresh-from-the-oven garlic bread.

Her silent retreat continued through the length of their meal until Kellen could take it no longer.

“You know?” He spoke soft and low, discouragement slicking his words. “Sometimes I catch glimpses. Glimpses of what we used to be. And those glimpses are so beautiful they break my heart.” He sighed outright and stood. “My heart is empty, Juliet. It’s empty of everything but you. Believe it, or don’t believe it. The choice is yours. But it’s the truth. I’ll go up front and settle the bill. I’ve got to get back to the office. I wish I could stay longer...”

She swallowed hard and looked away. “Thanks for being with me today.”

Her tone conceded a level of quiet sadness that lay out in equal proportion to his disappointment at having to leave her right now. She looked at him when he cupped her chin. Vibrations of intensity rolled between them like sonic waves, mapping out the state of their relationship just as surely as the ultrasound procedure had crafted the image of their baby. A breeze, soft and warm, worked through the air. A few errant strands of hair drifted across Juliet’s face, rippling against her lips. A poignant ache hit him hard. He wanted nothing more than to glide his fingertips against her cheek, and stroke back that swirling ribbon of hair.

Before the debacle with Chloe, such a gesture would have come to him naturally. Now, denied by his own folly, Kellen could only stare, and wish.

He stepped around the table, bent smoothly and decided to risk the chance of following through on the impulse. He slid a pair of fingertips against the drifting curl and tucked it back into place. Sure enough, the aroma of lavender lifted to him. Mind-flooding warmth, a solid lick of desire, went to war against the complacency he had once felt—the routine and established norm of their marriage. The shell-shape of her ear was exposed. Into it he whispered, “I miss you so much, Juliet.”