Devotion (31 page)

“Where were you just now?” A quiet urging layered the words. He slipped his hands beneath hers and gently worked them open. “Where did you go?”

She looked into his eyes. For a few heady and much-needed moments, she drifted into them and didn’t think twice about the risk. After all, up to now, wasn’t tonight just like the old days, before her life was divided into two very distinct eras—the era that came before Chloe and the era that came after?

Kellen was trying so hard—and not even so much trying as
acting
on the refreshed and more clearly defined pathways of his heart. The last thing she wanted to do at the moment was shame him.

“I—” After just one word, she gave up, and she shrugged.

“What happened?” Kellen wasn’t the least dissuaded. He sat next to her in the secluded, padded booth and moved close until there was no space between them. He glided his hand against her neck and traced a slow, soothing circle against its back. “Please talk to me.”

What continually astounded Juliet was the fact that he knew her to the deepest reaches. Furthermore, like the Kellen of old, he seemed unafraid of tackling emotions.

But so much had gone wrong. Sadness rushed at her, diminishing the joy of the evening, but not its possibility to recapture something precious.

Wasn’t that the point of staying together? Of trying?

“What you did just now—the way you touched me—it made me think about the record party.” Juliet fought to keep from squirming. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to bring up bad memories and ruin what we’ve had together tonight.”

“Trust how strongly I feel for you. Whatever is bothering you, I can take it. Open up to me. Talk to me. What hurts the most is the idea of you being remote or afraid to share yourself with me anymore.”

OK,
she thought,
fair enough. Let’s try to turn yet another corner—if we can.

“I love the way you’re so much a part of me again. As wonderful as that is, it’s scary. I’m afraid. I’m afraid of being hurt again. Betrayed. I could get the rug pulled out from under me all over again.”

Kellen ingested that comment. His gaze searched hers. “Juliet, find a way to let go, and forgive me. I promise…if you do, you’ll only have to do it once. What happened is a mistake I will never repeat. All you have is my word on that, and I know you can’t take me at my word right now, but someday, somehow, I think you’ll find a way to move back into trust. Until then, I’m not going anywhere. I’m fighting for us ’til the end.”

Beautiful memories, the composition of a shared life—a loving marriage—flowed into being and would not be denied.

Kellen set aside his napkin. “I have an idea.” He stood and held out his hand, waiting to help her from her seat and guide her from the restaurant. “I want to take you somewhere.”

The tab was settled, the meal was done, but Juliet had no idea what to expect. Confused but willing, she followed his lead.

****

Rush hour traffic had long since thinned. A mile or two rolled by in silence as they drove from the restaurant, and Juliet couldn’t stand the suspense any longer. “Where are we going?”

“I’m kidnapping you.” Kellen shot her a playful grin that slipped through her in heat sparks.

“Ha-ha. Seriously.” Though the light was sporadic, Juliet took in his tilted brow and the teasing glimmer of his eyes. She focused on his features a tad longer than necessary.

“I’ll fill in details once we get a little closer. How would that be?”

Juliet wasn’t satisfied. She manipulated and prodded, savoring their interplay. While he drove, she continued to pout and push and press—not because she needed to know where he was taking her, but because it was such fun playing with him.

Their drive skirted the ocean, taking them north along the Pacific Coast Highway. Juliet brushed a fingertip against the window control button and lowered the glass until a cool, tangy stream of air flowed against her face. From the corner of her eye, she picked up on the way Kellen frequently glanced her way. Each instance felt like a caress.

“Remember our first trip to LA together?” Kellen spoke. With one hand, he guided the wheel, the other rested atop hers on the console between them.

“After we got engaged.”

Kellen nodded. “And where did you want to be more than any place else?”

“Your arms.” The reply didn’t stem from flirtation, or a testing of what had once been their typical, sensual, husband-and-wife banter. Her answer was blunt truth. Kellen looked away from the road just long enough to acknowledge her reply. His expression revealed his pleasure.

“Point taken and thank you.”

Heat crept up her neck and cheeks.

“OK then, what was the first runner up?”

It only took a moment for realization to evolve, for joy to wash through her. “Really?”

“Yes, really.”

Juliet let out a soft exclamation, covering her open mouth with her hand. She uncovered her mouth just as quickly. “You’re taking me to Santa Monica Pier?”

Making good on his vow, Kellen had said nothing until the last minute. His answer came not in words, but in navigation. He pulled into a public lot not far from the expansive pier with its shimmering, colorful medley of roller coaster and Ferris wheel lights. A giant, wooden walkway stretched far into the ink black waters of the Pacific, entrée granted by an arched sign that was a national landmark.

Juliet gazed out the window. Bittersweet tears stung her eyes. Kellen didn’t say much. He only asked her to wait while he crossed behind their vehicle and opened her door, escorting her from the car.

Although he kept her close, Juliet grappled for a sense of balance that had nothing to do with physicality.

Hand-in-hand they walked toward the beach and the call of pounding surf. Sea salt added zest to an intermittent breeze that skated against her arms, neck, and cheeks. Juliet kicked off her shoes so she could sink her bare toes into cool, velvety sand. Kellen took custody of her sandals.

Her gaze sidled to him. Love formed a cascade that drew her closer and closer to the man who stood attentively at her side. Stars and a blanket of blackest sky were interrupted only by the luminous face of a half-moon, a moon that painted silver sparkles against the ever-rolling waves of the ocean.

“Kellen, this is perfect.” The steady rumble of cresting water nearly covered her words.

“You came to California for the first time and what appealed to you most was the idea of seeing this spot and dancing with the waves.”

“And you let me.”

He released her hand and his chest rose and fell on a deep breath. “Only because after that, you danced with
me
. Remember?”

Of course she did. Too overcome to reply, Juliet looked into his eyes. They sparkled, illuminated by nothing but the moonlight. Shadows and flashes of light painted his face.

The beach stretched before them, gleaming as water ebbed and flowed. People wandered by every once in a while, wrapped up in their own worlds. Not far away, a group of kids gathered around a boom box and an active fire pit. A radio station played at soft, appealing levels. The song
This Dance
, by Five for Fighting had just begun with a haunting piano riff and lyrics that instantly stoked the embers in Juliet’s heart.

“What an appropriate song.” Kellen’s observation moved to a silence that slid past on a sea-scented breeze. “Will you dance with me?” Juliet panicked. Kellen’s posture remained resolute. “The song can’t be much longer than three minutes. Give me that, please?”

He set her shoes aside and held out his hand, waiting. The silken cadence of his voice rendered any other choice impossible. She stepped into the circle of his arms as naturally as the waves that rolled inland—timeless and unstoppable.

“Look in my eyes,” he requested gently.

His warmth seeped through the cold encasement that surrounded her heart. She began to relax against him. In response, she forced herself to go tense. Fear provided a barrier that was plenty effective against his tender call.

“What do you see, Juliet?” He swayed with her, spinning her across soft, even sand in motions that were smooth and graceful. She went tighter still. “It’s three minutes. Just three minutes. What do you see?”

“I see you…” Navigating uncharted land, she struggled to get the words out. “I see…I see the man I fell in love with.”

“Nothing about the love you see in my eyes has changed, or ever will. Keep fighting it—for as long as you feel you need to.” He traced her cheek lightly as they continued to move in time to the music.

Yet another layer of her defense system crumbled, and her knees turned to liquid. She opened like a flower after the rain.

“Like I said at the restaurant, I’ll keep fighting for you until we can find a way back, as long as I know the answer to just one question.”

“Which is?”

“Is it still anger that has you holding back from me right now, or is it a fear of letting everything else go?”

His presence echoed in the air around them, curving around her, drawing her home. “It’s both.”

Kellen waited on more, guiding her along.

“The anger is colliding with the love I feel for you. The love I guess I’ll always feel for you. The anger doesn’t seem to be winning as many battles these days.”

“But still, you’re afraid I’ll betray you again.”

Tears sprang to her eyes. Very slowly she nodded. “Trust is delicate.”

“Yes, it is.”

She swallowed back a lump of emotion. “Still…I should have been there, that night, at Iridescence. I never meant to let you down. It’s my responsibility to take care of our marriage as much as it is yours. I messed up, too. If I had been with you, you might have looked at Chloe, considered how successful she could become, and that would have been the end of it.”

“That’s true. When you and I are engaged with one another, no one comes close to you.” He brought them to a standstill. “But, Juliet, you can’t be with me all the time, and I know right from wrong. I never should have let her in. You’re the most precious part of my life.” He settled a hand briefly against her mounded stomach. “You and our baby, that is.”

Waves pounded, water sparkled, drawing her gaze for a time as he resumed their dance. She rested her cheek against his chest. His warmth, his beating heart, the scent of him filled her. She lifted her head to look up once more. “It’s your turn, Kellen. When you look at me…what do you see?”

His smile broke like a sunrise. “I see a miracle—one I don’t deserve, but one that was gifted to me by none other than God Himself. That’s what I’ve always seen. ”

“Kellen—” She went dizzy and she trembled.

He drew her in tight and nuzzled her cheek, leaving her to sigh with a pleasure she couldn’t contain. “Shh…it’s just another minute or so…”

His lips skimmed against her throat. Juliet dissolved; she tipped her head back to encourage the caress. She quivered with anticipation. Kellen stopped their dance. He stood steady as he glided a hand against her neck. “Just for now, let go. I won’t cross boundary lines. I won’t hurt you.”

After that, he didn’t hesitate. He held her fast and dipped his head to claim her lips. Juliet cried out softly, knocked completely away from reality, away from everything but Kellen. Gradually he deepened the kiss, sighing into her mouth. His breath filled her spirit and she weakened to the point where Kellen alone held her up.

Juliet felt as though she were floating, suspended in a world so beautiful it rendered her under its spell. She melted into him, never wanting to leave this moment behind. The connection between them felt too wonderful to banish into a world of what used to be. She wanted this—and him—forever and always.

Dazzled and out of breath, she hung back from him. The pattern of love she discovered in his eyes rocketed her even further off balance. The music faded but intimacy evolved.

“Kellen, I know I need to forgive you. I
know
that. Seventy times seven and everything else…” Her voice wavered. “I’m trying, but I’m
so
afraid...”

“I know you are. What I want you to know is this: I am, too. And I know what I’m about to say may seem trite after what I’ve done, but you’re what I treasure. I won’t betray that truth ever again. Doing so has come close to ruining me.”

How could she answer that? Kellen had asked for her forgiveness long ago—from the start, really—leaving the control and decision up to her. More and more she felt compelled to surrender, and allow him all the way back in. Resistance continued to thin away as Juliet moved toward a hard-won but very real sense of forgiveness—a forgiveness they both needed to deliver and accept in order to move forward.

Eventually she had to find a way past the fears Kellen acknowledged and say the words aloud.

29

October twentieth. For Juliet, it wasn’t just the date of their wedding anniversary, it was a day of reckoning.

Kellen’s parents had asked to meet them at Skyline, and gifted them with limousine service to and from the restaurant. Reservations were just under an hour away.

She slid her feet into a pair of silk nylons and smoothed them up her legs, pulling the waistband into place over her stomach. At a little over six months along, she felt increasingly large and wished she had purchased the thigh-high variety of stocking. Kellen entered the room unexpectedly, startling her. Clad only in a satin slip, she jumped up from the bench and turned away quickly. Moving to the jewelry pouch she had settled on the dresser, she diverted herself with the task of choosing a few pieces to wear.

“I’m sorry. I thought you were finished. I just need to shave.”

Nodding, she slipped out a double strand of pearls. She still needed to finish with her hair and makeup, which meant she would have to join him in the bathroom. There, at the sink, Juliet struggled with the clasp of her necklace.

“I can get that for you.” Kellen stepped from behind. His fingers moved warmly against the back of her neck.

He slipped the ends from fingertips that had gone suddenly shaky. Juliet stiffened, and then promptly wondered why. This was innocent. Chivalrous. Kellen fastened the gold clasp, concluding the moment with a slow, deliberate caress of the back of her neck. OK…maybe
not
so innocent…but definitely thoughtful.