Devotion (30 page)

Juliet straightened, lifting carefully to wander through the yard—anything to expend this buildup of energy. “You know, for five measly minutes—ten tops—I want Jesus to make
me
the big sister so that just once I can turn the tables on you like this. It’s really not asking for much.”

Marlene laughed warmly and the intensity of their discussion diminished. “I
am
kind of awesome like that, aren’t I?” She laughed again. In the silence that followed, Juliet heard her sister sip and swallow. “Don’t worry. In a few months, you’ll be nurturing and caring for a little one all your own. Motherhood—talk about the penultimate opportunity for table turning.”

Juliet snickered. “You’re mean.”

“Nah. Realistic. Speaking of which, how’s my little niece or nephew doing? Bouncing around happily, I hope. Are you feeling OK?”

“He or she is quite active today. I’m doing well, so don’t worry.” The topic shift felt good, and leagues safer. Juliet skimmed a hand softly across her baby bump, contentment on the rise.

“Check in again when you can. I’m praying for you, Jules.”

“Keep it up, OK? We need the covering.”

****

The days that followed passed in an ordinary way that somehow assured Juliet of constancy and life as normal. Kellen and Jack continued to putter at home improvement projects. Juliet helped with laundry and went on shopping expeditions with May to indulge her mother-in-law’s passion for all things related to scrapbooking.

In the evenings, Jack and May went to bed early. Exhausted from traveling and emotional chaos, Juliet gladly followed their lead, generally with Kellen close behind.

A few days after their arrival, as Kellen stretched out beneath the blankets, Juliet prepared to join him. He sat with his back propped against a pair of fluffy white pillows and the wooden headboard and she stuttered to a stall. Unmindful of her hesitation, Kellen turned to the nightstand and picked up his Bible.

“I’m glad you packed this.” He opened it, resettling comfortably.

“No problem. I wish I could have packed the one May and Jack got you when you turned thirteen. I know how special it is to you, but I also know that one is always with you at work.”

Kellen stopped turning pages to focus on her. The warmth and affection in his eyes ran so deep it stole her breath. “Do you know what I’m growing to realize more and more?”

“What’s that?” Juliet stretched out on top of the bed covers, no longer in a hurry to click off the light and sleep. She leaned on an elbow and studied him, waiting.

“Married life is made up of so many ordinary, day-to-day exchanges and moments, like how well you know me, and how precious a thing relationship is. Marriage is about love, sure, but it’s also about building the sequence and patterns and memories of a life by sharing times just like this. It’s a privilege. Marriage to you is a privilege, Juliet.”

Their gazes held. Juliet nibbled the inside of her cheek, touched but uncertain how to proceed.

Until an idea took root. “Know what would be a privilege to me?”

“What?”

“Praying.”

Kellen had allowed himself to be revealed and vulnerable. It was her turn now.

“I want to pray for us, Kellen.”

Without a word, without hesitation, Kellen set aside his Bible. Juliet sat up, and he slid his hands beneath hers and held her fingertips snug. He bowed his head, waiting. Juliet studied him for a moment, captured afresh by the timeless act of preparing to pray with him.

They had done so countless hundreds of times during the span of their relationship. Returning to prayer now filled empty chambers in Juliet’s heart.

“Lord, please watch over us. Please be with Kellen and me. We ask for Your continued guidance and provision. Be with our baby. We know that You’re always alive and at work in our lives. Help us remain focused on You, on each other, and on all the blessings You give. In Your precious name, we pray. Amen.”

“Amen,” he whispered.

Juliet turned and reached out to extinguish the light. Kellen stopped her short when he settled a hand against her arm. “Wait a second.” When Juliet turned in question, he gestured toward the nightstand. “Will you hand me that?”

She followed his motion and realized Kellen wanted a tube of cocoa butter lotion that stood by the lamp. Puzzled, she handed it to him then stretched out again.

Kellen remained seated. He began to slowly roll up her t-shirt, exposing the mound of her expanding belly. Juliet quivered, realizing his intent. This would have been so natural a thing for him to do—once upon a time. He carefully tucked down the waistband of her sweatpants and Juliet froze. His touch ticked against her nerve endings. A stirring vibration left her feeling exposed, and wistful, despite the fact that she remained modestly covered…except for the area of her belly where their baby grew.

Kellen paused, seeming to sense her tension. He looked directly into her eyes. “Juliet. Relax.”

He loosened the cap on the lotion, squeezing a dollop of white cream onto his palms. Before touching her, he rubbed his hands together, warming the liquid. Juliet couldn’t relax, no matter how hard she tried.

The instant his hands slid across her skin, her muscles tightened further. Shivers transformed into an all-out tremble that mixed fear, longing, and love into a saturating flood of dizziness. He focused on the circles he made, and Juliet stared at him, the tightness gradually dissolving as she sank against the pillows at her back and hot tears pricked at the corners of her eyes.

Kellen continued his tender ministrations. He didn’t look into her eyes, or cause discomfort by over asserting himself. He simply worked the lotion. “I’ve wanted to do stuff like this for you for the longest time now.” His fingers continued to move slow and gentle. The baby began to flutter within Juliet, giving an occasional kick as well. “I’ve missed out on so much.” Kellen sighed heavily.

Juliet kept watching him.

“I’ve missed out on being able to simply touch you, just like this, or let our baby know I’m there in my touch, and in my voice.”

There was nothing Juliet could say. She couldn’t apologize for being brokenhearted. She wouldn’t apologize for being devastated by the decisions Kellen had made. But she also couldn’t deny him the chance to indulge a need he had apparently restrained for far too long.

Visibly enthralled by the process of touching her, and being close to their baby, Kellen continued. “I always imagined myself being the guy who’d do just this—slather cocoa butter all over your tummy to keep it soft and comfortable, or whisper silly words near your bellybutton, as if it were a microphone leading straight to our baby’s heart.”

He still didn’t meet her eyes, but his voice went rich with longing—and regret. He bent his head, momentous love releasing in a series of tiny kisses he dotted across her abdomen. Then he whispered against her skin. “Night-night, little one.”

Kellen rested his head against her, and Juliet worked her fingers slow and easy through the thick waves of his hair. She closed her eyes, and for a few precious moments, she let herself fall into her hearts dearest wish—she let herself believe this was how it could be between them…forever.

Kellen gave her belly one last kiss and turned away, sliding into place at the farthest edge of the bed. Empty inside, Juliet reassembled her shirt and waistband. She clicked off the light, leaving the room doused by a darkness that was interrupted only by the milky white moonlight that poured through the sheer draperies of the windows.

Kellen kept so much space between them that, as she drifted to sleep, Juliet figured there might as well have been a literal blockade between them.

So much love trying to burst its way through so much pain.

28

After breakfast Friday morning, Juliet came upon Kellen standing near the window in their bedroom. He propped back the sheers with an elbow and leaned a hip against the windowsill, staring out across the yards and homes of his parents’ neighborhood. He was dressed for work in a suit and tie.

“You ready to leave?” she asked.

Kellen angled his head and looked at her. “I won’t be gone long. I have a staff meeting, then two client meetings, so I’ll be home right after lunch.” Juliet nodded. He offered a smile. “Thank you for understanding. I’ve been distracted at work these days, so attending to a few matters at headquarters will help me re-find my footing.”

Outwardly composed, a deeper exploration revealed his exhaustion. Juliet forced herself to keep inching forward. She padded quietly to the spot where he stood. She fell headlong into the clear, gentle depths of his eyes. “Are you OK?”

He shrugged.

She tucked her hand into his and held on tight. “I can tell you’re drained.”

“Keeping up appearances is tough.” For a moment, he surveyed the space they were presently forced to share…like any happily married couple. “I wish this were real.”

Before she could respond to that, Kellen blinked free of melancholy and his lips curved once more. “How about dinner tonight—just the two of us?”

Tomorrow was the anniversary dinner with May and Jack that would conclude their trip, so the idea of enjoying a meal with Kellen alone held an undeniable appeal. The emotion she saw in his eyes was translucent; his posture made it easy for Juliet to accept. “That sounds nice.”

A need to forgive kept biting at her peace of mind, but she couldn’t quite follow through. That didn’t change the urge, though, or dim its power. She was coming close—in spite of her reservations—but nagging issues of trust remained in place like a blockade around her heart.

“What are you in the mood for?” he asked.

Unabated longing traveled the length of her body and opened the deepest, most vulnerable parts of her heart. She stepped around him until she stood between Kellen and the window. She wanted to take a battering ram to her fears, so she wrapped her arms around his waist and looked up. “Let’s grab some Pad Thai.”

Kellen stared into her eyes. He shook his head. “You know just how to get under my skin.”

“No—I simply realize you’ve always been a sucker for great Thai food.”

“No—meaning you captivate me, no matter what the situation, or topic.” The statement set her back on her heels. Kellen didn’t linger over the words. He didn’t allow any kind of awkwardness to build between them. He stroked her chin with a fingertip and stepped away, offering her his hand. “I’ve got to get going.”

****

“Honestly, Kellen, you need therapy!”

Juliet’s teasing admonishment stirred his laughter. The sound was beautiful music, she thought. Absolutely beautiful. The restaurant where they ended up wasn’t far from Jack and May’s house. They opted for fondue rather than Thai, which was something new and different for them both.

“About pens? Seriously?” He settled their bill with bold strokes then resumed the conclusion of their meal.

Juliet had thoroughly enjoyed the evening. The atmosphere between them transformed into something very date-like and courtly—a tantalizing echo of their best times as a couple.

“Yes, pens. Don’t even try to deny it. I’ve known it since we met, when you paid for our check at the Wild Horse Saloon like you did just now, with a Mont Blanc fountain pen.”

Throughout the evening, Juliet relaxed. Consequently, the baby danced, thumping and pushing pleasantly against her tummy. Kellen’s tenderhearted ministrations left her no other option. Knot by knot, the strings that held down her heart continued to come loose and slip free. For now, any negative thoughts glanced against her mind and were quickly refuted.

Kellen’s laughter bubbled over once again; he went sheepish. “Am I that bad?”

“Facts are facts.” Delighted to have the upper hand, Juliet persisted. “Ever since I’ve known you, you’ve loved fountain pens.” She affected a haughty air. “Ballpoint pens are unacceptable.” She huffed an exaggerated sigh. “That’s a direct quote from you. Ergo, you are a pen snob.”

Once again, their laughter mixed. The meal wasn’t quite finished, and the fondue was delicious. They had already made plans to find a similar place in Tennessee upon their return.

An enticing call toward the future.

“Man is this great.” Kellen speared, dipped, and devoured a morsel of crisped garlic bread. “Have you tried the fruit yet? It’s amazing.” He used his fingers to lift and dip a curved pear slice into the steaming surface of the fondue, but he didn’t eat it. Instead, he held it out to Juliet. And he smiled.

The smile held her in a tender embrace and she came upon the man she had always been crazy about. Intimate warmth drew her toward him. Her lips trembled as she opened her mouth to accept the offering.

He watched her bite into the fruit. His touch lingered against the corner of her mouth. A sweet, gritty texture burst against her tongue, tempered by the cream and salt of the cheese. He moved just a bit closer, surrounding her with nothing more than the power of his presence.

Juliet found it difficult to catch her breath. The love, the need she felt, crested with that much power. She loved this man, with everything in her heart, and everything she possessed. He used the pad of his thumb to wipe away a drizzle of cheese from her bottom lip.

Just like that, the moment shattered.

The gesture sent her tumbling straight back to the nightmare of watching Kellen and Chloe at that awful record party. She fell into the darkness all over again, with just as much intensity now as the moment it had happened.

A tiny drip of chocolate dotted a spot just beneath Kellen’s mouth. Chloe stroked a fingertip against his chin, right beneath his lower lip. Fevered rage and sorrow took over. Juliet watched, helpless, while Chloe laid claim to the most precious piece of her heart—the piece of her very soul Juliet believed impenetrable.

“Juliet.” Kellen offered the quiet summons. Then, she felt a touch against her cheek that was warm, and infinitely tender. “Juliet?”

As she returned to the present, she realized she was taking short, shallow breaths. She had clenched her hands into tightly held fists that rested on top of the table.