Devotion (25 page)

Kellen seemed to ingest that for a moment. His gaze strayed to the entrance of the office and she watched him draw a deep, steady breath. “Is there anything I can do? I want to help.”

Their eyes met and held. He was so uncertain, so out of his element. Such things were completely out of character, and the vulnerability she detected continued to dilute her hostility.

“It’s not easy.”

“That’s OK. I don’t need easy.”

Juliet led the way back to the kitchen. Lined up on wall pegs were rubber aprons, just like the one she currently wore. Her gaze slid over the lines of Kellen’s silk suit, the trench coat draped across his arm. Juliet grabbed an apron and handed it to him. “It can be messy work. You’ll need this.”

Without a second’s hesitation, he peeled off his suit coat and tucked his over garments onto the empty peg. After sliding away his tie and loosening the top button of his dress shirt, he pulled the apron over his head. Juliet handed him an expandable paper hat.

Kellen’s eyes went wide, sparkling with humor. “C’mon. Really?”

She giggled—deep and from the belly—it couldn’t be helped. “Yes, really. Turn around and I’ll tie the apron for you.”

While she looped and pulled, Kellen donned the cap and looked at her over his shoulder. “It’s worth wearing this thing just to hear you giggle again. I miss that sound.”

The words stilled her levity at once. She fussed with an arrangement of cups and bowls that were stacked on the service counter. Kellen picked up a tray and went to work. The apron and hat didn’t detract from his impact whatsoever. Juliet watched his smooth movements and familiar mannerisms as he dished up a serving of steaming meat, mashed potatoes, corn and fruit.

“If you don’t mind” --Kellen glanced at her— “I’d like to give Vanetta her food. I’d like to sit with her for a bit.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.” He paused, apparently uncertain. “Do I just go out there and give it to her?”

“Yes. Usually, they receive their food by walking up and getting in line, but she’s expecting delivery.”

He spied the empty tray Juliet had just settled on the rail next to her hip. “What’s that for?”

“Oh—” Startled into proper focus, Juliet gave a light, shy shrug. “I thought I’d make you a tray, too. You’re probably starving by now.”

“Come to think of it, I
am
hungry. I appreciate it.”

She fixed the tray quickly and handed it into his care. His answering smile stirred sweetness in her heart. Stocked and ready to serve, Kellen left the kitchen behind.

A quickening pulse stirred her blood. A flow of hope worked over her. Happiness and joy—how long had it been since she felt those emotions?

****

Tucked into a corner of the hall, staring out a nearby window, Vanetta seemed lost to the view. A gray, water-glossed world drew Kellen’s attention for a moment as well. He approached her table then gently set down the two trays. Vanetta’s gaze swung around and focused on him.

“Hi.” He tried not to sound tentative about breaking ground with this unkempt woman. “Would you mind if I sit with you?”

Openly skeptical, Vanetta frowned. Her eyes moved from his face to the kitchen, where he could only assume she searched for Juliet. “I don’ mind if you don’ mind.”

For some reason, that response made Kellen smile. “I don’t mind at all. I’m Kellen.” Vanetta looked uncomfortably at Kellen’s extended hand.

“You don’ gotta be all friendly like that. I’m filthy. You’re a clean, good lookin’ man. I don’t want to get you dirty.”

Kellen sat down and bumped his shoulder against hers instead. “That doesn’t matter to me.” He tried again, and this time she accepted his hand. When their eyes met, he found gratitude and human dignity pushing to life.

She smiled a great, gap-toothed smile. “Like the Good Book says, I guess there’s nothin’ so dirty God can’t clean it up, right?”

Kellen laughed warmly and squeezed her hand tight. “Amen, sister.”

All at once, he understood the rare and precious blessing of acceptance. Looking into this woman’s face, he saw what Juliet saw. Beauty. As soft-hearted and sweet-natured as Vanetta was, there was no way Juliet would be able to refuse the needs of a soul like this. The epiphany left him in love with his wife all over again.

Emboldened, Kellen continued. “I’m just like you. I’m dirty and in need of a thorough cleaning just like that scripture verse you quoted.”

In receipt of her grateful look, Kellen found it easy to ignore Vanetta’s smell, the dirt, and water stains. He looked toward the kitchen area and saw Juliet in conversation with one of the other volunteers. Softness slipped through him. His heart tripped into a faster beat.

“I’m Vanetta, by the way.”

Kellen jerked away from staring and directed his attention to his dinner companion. “I’m glad to meet you.”

They prayed over the offering then in unison they launched into their meal. At length, she chuckled, the sound coming out more like that of a rumbling train. “I like you. You’re not one of them snooty types. You’re OK.”

“Nah, I’m not OK, but I’m trying, just like you, Vanetta.”

She shrugged and they continued to eat in a companionable silence. Kellen’s attention kept straying to Juliet. He noticed the way she glanced at him every once in a while.

“You keep lookin’ at her.”

“I’m sorry?” Kellen took a sip of coffee, delivering an inquiring look toward Vanetta.

“Pretty lady. The one who came over here and talked to me a while ago.” She pointed a long, shaky finger in Juliet’s direction. “Her. You’re staring at her.”

Kellen didn’t go flush very often, but he did right now. “I guess I am. Can’t seem to help it.”

“Don’ blame ya.’ She’s something.’ Can’t ‘member her name though.” Vanetta released a frustrated sound. “I used to be so much sharper than this.”

Instead of leaving her to struggle for details, Kellen decided to fill them in. “Her name is Juliet.”

Vanetta slapped her knee. “That’s right. Pretty name…for a pretty lady. I remember now.” She looked at him hard. Then, her too-thin, angular face split into a large grin. “You got a crush on her, don’t you? I can tell. I can see it in your eyes.”

Kellen laughed, thoroughly enjoying this woman’s company. “Since the first moment I saw her.”

Vanetta sighed. “Oh…oh, I do love a good romance.”

Kellen extended his left hand and pointed at his ring. “She’s my wife.”

“And you still look at her like that? Well, God bless ya. God bless ya and then some!” Why did that humble, enthusiastic benediction cause him to tear up?

“And here you both are, looking after folks like me.” She settled back and issued a large, heaving sigh. “Mm-mm-mm. I do guess the good Lord still puts miracle workers right here on His earth.” She shook her head in wonder.

“No, Vanetta. We’re not miracle workers. Remember? We’re just like you.”

“You’re miracle workers to me, and that’s that.”

Kellen rested his hand on top of hers. “Trust me. We all fall short, and we all need help. All of us. You’re a miracle, too.”

“C’mon now. What kind of help could you ever need? You got it all.”

Yes, he did. But could he continue to keep the blessing of his marriage and be allowed the opportunity to honor it all over again?

Tears sprang to Kellen’s eyes once more. Humbled by Vanetta’s gratitude and bolstered by her smile, he understood the fulfillment and joy Juliet experienced every time she worked here.

****

When they got home that night, Kellen followed Juliet upstairs. He needed to retrieve his clothes for work tomorrow.

Juliet sat on the edge of the bed. Slowly she toed off her flats and wiggled her stocking-covered feet. The innocent image did wild things to Kellen’s insides. He felt her gaze as surely as a touch against his skin, so he tried to temper himself, and divert the flood of heat that curved through him. Still, after all the emotion and heightened electricity they had shared today, he was acutely aware of her. A driving need went to work against his sense of restraint.

She watched him hang up his suit coat. He walked to the dresser and began to unfasten his cufflinks.

“I’m sorry, Kellen…for the way I treated you.”

Juliet’s quiet words settled into his troubled spirit. He wanted her with a passion that was undeniable—yet deny it he must. Tensing himself against a soft, enticing flow of his senses, Kellen slipped his cufflinks away then dropped them into a mahogany box. When he turned, he took in their bedroom. Juliet’s bedroom now. When she had returned home, he had told her flatly and emphatically that he couldn’t stand the idea of her sleeping anywhere else.

He began to slide hangers, searching for a shirt along with a suit and tie. “I deserved it.”

“No, you didn’t. You’re not a whipping post, but that’s how I treated you. It was wrong, and I’m sorry. You showed up to support me, and I snapped and threw darts. That’s not going to help us. I’ll do better.”

Her apology called to mind something Pastor Gene had told him recently.
Make the choice to minister to her fully—then follow up that choice with your actions. If you do, God will meet you there, and you’ll re-find that joy again, that connection and intimate sense of trust.

“You did a lot more than snap and throw darts. I loved being there. Don’t worry about it.” Something heavy lifted away from his shoulders. “Still…thank you for the apology, Juliet.”

It was all he could manage before claiming the next day’s wardrobe items and leaving her behind. Avoiding her eyes, he walked away. Exiting the room, he closed the door quietly behind him.

Intimacy. He craved it with her. It wasn’t just a physical thing, either. This was a working of his mind. Like stirring, masterful music, she remained with him long into a sleepless night that was beset by an ache, and a wistful sense of longing.

22

On the weekends, Kellen now made it a point to be home. He dismissed as many work-related networking and promotional events as possible, and his proximity jarred Juliet. She thought about him constantly, and weekends only intensified their connection.

She didn’t want to be so edgy around him, but emotions pushed forward, increasing awareness of everything she missed about their marriage. She couldn’t escape the fact that he now maintained the type of presence in her life for which she had always longed. At the same time, he didn’t crowd or push. Instead, he waited patiently for her to indicate her feelings.

But that was the problem. Her feelings were such a convoluted jumble she had no idea how to move forward.

A few weeks after their visit to the Greater Grace Rescue Mission, she opted for a means of evasion so she could think clearly and focus without distraction. Following a Saturday morning shopping spree for maternity clothes with Marlene, Juliet camped out at her sister’s house for the remainder of the day, baking bread.

Ever since she was little, Juliet could recall the process of her mother creating homemade bread from scratch. The task took time, and energy, but there was nothing like the smell, and reward, of fresh baked bread.

The time spent with Kellen at Greater Grace left her wanting to find a way back to even ground in their relationship. She wanted to enjoy him again, and love him again, with nothing of her heart held back. Moving forward together was all that she longed for, but the idea terrified her. How could she cope with that level of openness again?

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Condemnations echoed, but condemnations didn’t change facts. She missed him. She longed for his touch, and the warmth of his eyes on her. She missed receiving that exclusive smile that would slip softly into her heart and saturate her with love. Mostly, she missed the impetuous way he’d step behind her and nibble at her neck, then spin her slowly around and take her on a dance that needed no music to enhance its steps.

There were huge issues to overcome, and patterns of living that needed modification, but Kellen kept trying.

For her part, Juliet could number off at least a half-dozen times when she had negated requests from Kellen to be a part of his life. Functioning separately became an easy pattern to fall into, especially as time passed.

That dangerous pattern didn’t stem from a lack of feeling. That was the most frightening aspect of their dilemma. Instead, an aching, needy heart is what had led Kellen to Chloe. Combining two full and busy lives had become problematic over time. Juliet realized that now.

Seldom had the twain met.

Confusions refused to dissipate, but Juliet looked forward to the day ahead. Freshly changed into comfortable maternity slacks and a cotton blouse of vibrant peach that floated around her body, she rejoiced in the flutters and thumps of their child inside of her. Ironic that at the most tumultuous point in their lives, their dreams of a child together had finally come true. Was Kellen right? Was that God’s message of hope in the chaos of their lives? She was too tangled to know any longer.

In the kitchen, midway through their bread preparations, Juliet lifted a large, stainless steel mixing bowl. Marlene stood across from her, a towel draped over her shoulder. She tossed out a dose of flour then used her hands to spread it across the countertop. Juliet dumped a freshly formed head of dough into the middle of the white, silky dust.

“I want to be healed of this whole situation,” Juliet said, continuing their conversation.

“It doesn’t quite work that way, Jules. There’s a lot of hard work involved.” Although Marlene gave her a compassionate smile, the words minced nothing.

Juliet began to knead, and it felt good. She loved the process of pushing into the dough, rolling and squeezing, bullying it from nothingness into nourishing loaves.

“I don’t know how to reach out to him anymore. I’m so full of self-doubt and fear that I’m frozen. I realize I’ve let him down, too. I didn’t do my part to be more engaged in his life. I know that now. He stepped away, and I don’t know how to get back to where we were, and make things right again.” Juliet added flour to the dough and worked the heels of her hands relentlessly into the mixture, which began to yield and soften.