Devotion (23 page)

“That’s the logical answer, isn’t it?” He shook his head. “Time heals all wounds. Or does it?”

His sigh was quiet—restrained—yet it carried through the fast warming atmosphere. He stood and carried his breakfast dishes inside. Juliet followed. At the kitchen sink, she passed by him, and an ocean of regret filled time and space.

Her silence punctuated the moment.

“This is exactly what I’m talking about.” Kellen continued. “I wonder if you’ll never know what you mean to me, no matter how many notes I write, no matter how many ways I try to reclaim your love. You’ll never have the same degree of trust, and that’s my fault. I’m trying to find a way to reach you, but I don’t see how it can happen. You’re gentle about it, but you keep shutting me out, and I don’t know how to move past the barriers. Once again, though, that’s my fault for blind stupidity.”

The declarations left Juliet stunned. Was he so broken that he was writing them off? Not out of a lack of love, but because he viewed their circumstances as being irreparable? More confused than ever, she loaded dishes while Kellen rinsed. Frustration lifted to the surface.

“I can’t help that, Kellen. I still can’t get my head around the fact that beautiful women are all over the roadmap of your life. Beautiful, charming women have been part of your career from the day we met. I understand that. They’re a part of your business. Never have I felt threatened. Never have you been tempted. Why her? Why now? What did I do—or not do? What was wrong with us? What changed? What happened that she turned your head—and your heart? Those are the questions that keep coming back to haunt me. They throw daggers at any attempt I make to move beyond.”

Her tone had escalated. The dish loading went a bit more abrupt than she had intended. A plate landed too hard against the storage rack and split into pieces. Juliet let out a frustrated exclamation and moved in jerky motions to dispose of the broken stoneware. Kellen caught hold of her shoulders and gently turned her away from the cleanup. He cupped a hand beneath her chin to still her completely and direct her gaze to his.

His gaze held hers strong and unyielding. “She never had my heart, Juliet. What she stirred in me is an emotion I can only define as overly-excited lust. There was physical desire, but beyond that was an energy, a chemical that ran rampant when we were together…I don’t know how else to explain it...suffice to say it was wrong. Dead wrong, and not at all what I truly wanted.” He directed her away from the cracked dish pieces and began picking up shards of stoneware from the bottom of the dishwasher. “I’ve learned my lesson, but how will you ever know that for sure? There was nothing more extraordinary about Chloe than anyone else I’ve chosen to represent in the past. There was nothing you did wrong.”

Juliet propped a hip against the island of their kitchen so she’d remain on her feet. Right now her legs were no more stable than long grass tossed in the wind. She had to cut him off. This conversation was destroying her. Just as suddenly, though, the realization dawned that they had been carried into having out this ugly situation—best to go all the way with it and try to push through. They needed to find out what awaited them on the other side of a messy, jagged mountain.

“Something obviously went lacking in our marriage that led you to her. What was it?”

Kellen dumped the ruined plate into the garbage. Returning to Juliet, he took hold of her hand and led her to the kitchenette where he pulled out a chair and urged her to sit. Taking the chair across from her, he maintained a tight hold of her hand across the top of the table. “Do you honestly think it’s any one thing that leads to a situation like ours?”

A situations like ours.
How clinical to distill almost nine years of marriage into
a situation
. Juliet clenched her jaw. They needed to carry through on this discussion, but doing so taxed her to the extreme. “I let you down. Somehow I must have let you down.”

“You didn’t let me down, Juliet. That’s what you need to realize, if nothing else. I got complacent. You got complacent. To a degree, that can’t help but happen in a long-term, committed relationship. Maybe we didn’t put enough emphasis on being together. Maybe we didn’t consciously refresh, or renew. Sometimes I think the process of daily living is more dangerous to a marriage than anything else. I got comfortable. I got lazy. I’d put you off—and you’d put me off. Not out of spite, or because we didn’t care. It was simply easier that way. A routine of convenience came over us. We took on a mind-set that makes it difficult to refuse excitement, or the sizzle that happens when something new enters your life in both a professional and a personal way.”

“You mean
someone
,” she amended quickly, removing her hand from his. She drew up her other hand and laced her fingers together tight. Fleetingly she thought of Tim and his effect on her needy heart. Confronting herself honestly, Juliet had to admit how easy it had been to become ensnared by his ready affection and tender care…

Had it been like that for Kellen?

Very slowly, he reached forward against the space between them. “It seems the circle is complete, and we’re right back where we started.” He slid his fingertips beneath hers, loosening her death grip, easing her hands apart. His voice went to velvet, but that velvet was steeled by a resolve she saw clear through to his eyes.

“Juliet—all I want is a chance to show you how much you mean to me.”

Tears spilled over her lashes, beginning a slow, steady race down her cheeks. He reached up and skimmed the pad of his thumb against her jaw. She could tell by his attitude the gesture wasn’t meant to be seductive. This was a delivery of comfort, and an ache telegraphed by a simple and small piece of physical connection.

“From this point forward will every 'I love you' feel like hypocrisy?” He touched her cheek now, lifting away teardrops along with small pieces of Juliet’s pain. “Will every caress strike you as being false and phony? Will you always wonder if I’m thinking of someone else, even if I promise you that I’m not? All of that would be your right.”

Juliet’s throat jammed tight as the impact of his words struck home. She shuddered with excess emotion and gulped, but nothing much helped steady her.

“What I’ve done to you is my failure. I dishonored everything we built and that sickens me. That’s the truth.”

Just like that, Kellen shouldered the entire burden of the mess they were in. That wasn’t right. Nor was it fair. Part of her recognized those truths despite the anger she felt toward his betrayal. She needed to step forward and claim her share of the responsibility. But how? Still, she boiled with anger. Still, her world was rocked by the way he had floated into the arms, and passions, of another woman.

Despite it all, Juliet knew she needed to confront the truth. She had not been a good steward of their marriage either. He convicted himself, but once again, she realized her accountability was undeniable. That fact shook her and left her at a crossroads.

You didn’t step away—he did. You didn’t seek out someone else—he did.

A troubling voice went to work in her mind, tempering the softness that bloomed—even as it shored up her pride and an embittered sense of self-righteousness
.

Kellen moved close. In slow motion, he dipped his head. Juliet froze, assailed by a blinding panic. She didn’t know what to do, or what to expect—but he didn’t kiss her. Instead, he slid his lips light and slow against her damp cheeks. He absorbed her tears in a gesture so soft, so amazing, Juliet sighed before she could stop herself. Their combined warmth became something shared, full of a beautiful, stirring echo of all they had once been.

That goading voice went promptly silent.

He moved away. “If only I had known what a gift I’ve been given in you. If only I had continued to look after the two of us the way I was called to by God and our vows.”

Juliet closed her eyes, afraid to reveal her vulnerability, afraid to let Kellen see just how much she craved his love. She touched her cheek. Before it disappeared, she wanted to capture forever the last traces of his touch and textures. She went weak, sinking against the curved back of the wooden chair.

A new voice claimed her soul, loving and sure.
Casual behavior towards love leads to neglect. Neglect leads to demise. And the slow, steady demise of an anointed marriage is a sin just as much as the ultimate betrayal of seeking the arms of another.

That truth sent itchy disquiet through her body. Juliet regained herself and wondered. Had Kellen’s betrayal been ‘ultimate’? Had he forsaken
everything
with Chloe? All indications were he had not. He had been tempted. From there he had fallen, but was the sin unforgivable? Christ’s teachings—even the voice she had just heard—gave her an emphatic and immediate answer.

No.

In church, on that awful day when everything had come to a head, the first words out of Kellen’s mouth were
Please, forgive me
. Wracked by pain, and the shocking sickness of being betrayed, Juliet had steadfastly refused that plea, considering it her right.

Now she wasn’t so sure. What about her role in the breakdown of their relationship? Had she ever extended the same plea to Kellen for the times she had failed to support him?

No.

The awful taste of that answer resonated now, pressing down upon her like lead. Owning up to sin and negligence, Kellen kept pushing on. Despite the hostility and anger she dished at him, he persisted, showing her, day after day, in ways big and small, that she was important to him. Precious, like he said. Actions versus words.

She had to find a way to do the same.

20

Kellen retracted his umbrella and shook rainwater from the lapels of his trench coat. He pushed open one of the glass doors of the Greater Grace Rescue Mission and stepped inside. He had glanced at Juliet’s calendar for the day, which was tacked as ever to the side of their refrigerator at home. Discovering her whereabouts, he decided to surprise her with a visit—just because.

Well, he admitted, not
entirely
just because. A scripture verse he had come across this morning during his daily reading of the Bible left him unsettled, and full of questions. He had poured over chapter six of the second book of Corinthians, taking to heart the words about living on God’s terms, in righteousness. But then he reached a passage that stopped him short, and left him re-reading it several times over:
‘Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?’

He and Juliet were both believers, so that section didn’t trouble him nearly as much as the convicting words that followed. Righteousness and wickedness. Light and dark. Granted, he worked hard, and with sincerity, to leave behind the mistakes he had made, but had he embraced and honored her efforts outside their marriage? Had he been a light for her?

Juliet had always been a source of support when it came to his life outside of their relationship. Without her enthusiasm and encouragement, he never would have attained the level of success he enjoyed at Associated Talent. Kellen realized it was long past time he returned to doing the same thing for Juliet.

Light needed to obliterate the dark. How could he expect her to remain caring of his life and its many elements if he didn’t consistently exhibit respect and encouragement of his own?

In the length of time it took for those thoughts to cross his mind, Kellen got a good long look at the people around him.

Street people shuffled past. Hot, heavy rain drenched their clothing, saturated feeble plastic bags clutched tight in grimy, shaky hands. A nasty summer storm blew through the streets and alleys of Music City, driving the destitute inside. The facility was standing room only for dinner and shelter service tonight.

He studied life-worn faces left craggy by desperation and anxiety. In some cases, guarded eyes roved restlessly from spot to spot, full of edginess and discomfort. Other visitors were so touched by simple acts of kindness—a welcoming touch on the shoulder from volunteers or a gentle smile—they called out gratitude and praise as they partook in an assembly line production of nourishment and compassion.

Absorbing the crowd made him stumble. A pierce-point struck his heart. So, those times when Juliet had begged off a date-night that centered more around his work ambitions than anything else—those instances when she was tired and drained at the end of the day—this was what it was all about. These people, this gathering of need, was what she worked so hard to support.

Wow.

Witnessing the people who grappled for the comfort of a simple meal humbled Kellen into awe.

He moved in a bit further and looked for Juliet. He came upon her familiar form almost immediately. He stayed put, falling into the moment of being able to watch her—and listen.

“I didn’t always used to be this way,” Kellen heard the homeless woman say. Juliet took hold of a long, bony hand that seemed to be gnarled from the ravages of arthritis. Juliet knelt at the woman’s feet, looking up at her, into rheumy, coal-colored eyes.

“What happened, honey?” Juliet asked softly. Her face, her posture, radiated loving concern.

Even from the length of the room, odors assailed Kellen. A stench of unclean skin, decay, caked dirt and urine made his eyes water and his nose twitch. How must it be for Juliet, working hours on end, right here in the midst of it? Light and dark, he thought. Light and dark.

“My daddy? He was plant manager for an electrical manufacturer. Worked the lines and did good work. He moved his way up, he did. I even got to go to college for a couple years. Got an Associate’s Degree and everything.”

Juliet nodded, still kneeling, still listening attentively as she stroked the back of the woman’s hand with her thumb. Kellen couldn’t keep his eyes off the pair.

“I went to work in the plant when I graduated college long, long ago. It was the best option I had going since I could make good money.”