Devotion (18 page)

Letters to Juliet
.

He tuned in to the movie, which had just begun. The story played out, and the visuals of Verona, Italy were gorgeous, but nothing much captured his attention for long except the title. Then the movie focused on a letter—a decades-old outpouring of regret over love lost—that had been left behind in a crack of the wall outside the fictional home of Shakespeare’s tragic heroine, Juliet Capulet.

Kellen couldn’t move past the idea. A letter of love. To Juliet. Could such a thing transform into a starting point? He had so much to say, but he knew she would never give him that kind of chance face-to-face. Not yet, anyway.

Terrified of what he was about to do, praying it wouldn’t cause more harm than good, Kellen extinguished the distraction of the television and reached into a drawer of the end table. He pulled out a pen and a sheet of paper. He needed to take her heart by surprise once again—but this time in only the very best and most impassioned way possible.

15

Slow-building lark song edged Juliet awake. The fade of night into a grayish, pearly dawn roused her from a restless slumber. She turned from her side to her back. Her eyes were swollen and scratchy. Her throat was too tight, and it hurt. Both afflictions were a reminder of how much time she had spent crying. She hated to surrender the night. Its cloak had provided a shroud of protection and temporary respite from pain that hadn’t lessened its choking grip by even the slightest degree.

She closed her eyes, trying to shut out the cheery noise of escalating bird chatter and thick green leaves rustling in a warm breeze. Those simple reminders of daily renewal struck her as vile.

But, by God’s grace alone, she had answered the call of a new day.

It felt so odd, sleeping in the guest room at Marlene’s house. Everything felt off-center, and foreign. Appropriate to the moment, she thought.
Very
appropriate.

Light increased by slow degrees filling the room. A vivid flash of red outside the open window caught her eye and she watched a cardinal dance from branch to branch in the evergreen bush just beyond the screen.

Juliet tossed to her side once more and tucked her hand beneath the pillow while she watched. Her thoughts didn’t stray for long, though, and she ended up taking a walk through the past several hours since she had seen Kellen.

After leaving home, she had driven a straight line to her big sister’s embrace. As soon as Marlene pulled open the front door and saw Juliet’s face, she stared, scowling with instant worry. “Baby? What’s wrong? What happened?” Juliet didn’t answer. She didn’t have to. Instead, she collapsed into Marlene’s arms, right there on the porch. “Oh…Juliet…come here, sweetie.” Marlene drew her into the entryway and then held her tight all over again.

A tall redhead like their father, Marlene’s commanding presence and steady demeanor spoke eloquently of a firstborn child’s leadership. However, a fierce, almost combative loyalty was another of Marlene’s characteristics. In private, they had curled up together on the comfy, overstuffed couch in the living room. There, with steaming tea mugs positioned on a table in front of them and an afghan draped over both their legs, Juliet explained it all. Once Juliet explained the details of her breakup with Kellen, and delivered the news of her pregnancy, Marlene’s tears fell, and she rested a gentle hand against Juliet’s abdomen in yet another display of protectiveness.

“What a
cheat
!” Typically, Marlene pulled no punches.

“Marlene…” Automatically, Juliet threw out a note of tenderhearted warning, guarding Kellen in some small, ridiculous way from a display of Marlene’s fury that he most definitely deserved.

“Don’t
Marlene
me. He chucked a dagger into the heart of my sister. Brother-in-law or not, I’d flatten him if he were within reach right now!”

Juliet laughed through her tears, fortified by the support. She grabbed for a few tissues—Marlene kept a box by Juliet’s elbow for obvious reasons—and blew out a hard puff of air. “Do you know what? I’d probably let you.”

“OK. So I think you need to rage and fume for a bit.” Marlene leaned across the space between them and took Juliet’s free hand in hers. Juliet squeezed tight and Marlene answered the gesture right back. “Stay here for as long as you want, OK? I mean that. And don’t keep anything in. Get it all out with nothing held back. After that, you’ll be able to think clearer and figure out what comes next.”

Advice dispensed, Marlene waited, and watched attentively. At length Juliet laid her head on Marlene’s shoulder and simply sank away—into a tearless, but draining sense of failure.

Not long after that, for a precious handful of hours, Juliet went to bed and allowed herself to rest in seclusion. She needed space to shatter and begin to mend.

But how was she supposed to accomplish that exactly?

Forgive me, Juliet…

Kellen’s words came back to haunt her. So did his plaintive tone. She kicked them away.
No, Kellen.
You need to suffer. I
want
you to suffer. Badly.

But what did that say about her as a Christian wife, and soon-to-be mother? Was self-righteous indignation the answer? Would hardness of spirit give her peace? She wasn’t without fault in the breakdown of her marriage, and she knew it. But what he had done was so much worse…

Juliet, sin leads to sin, no matter how big, no matter how small. Sin is evil. Beat sin with love. Love him. Love him well.

I can’t, God. I just can’t.

It was her answer last night, and it was her answer now.

Issuing a strident and distinctive chirp, the cardinal called and bounced from spot to spot outside the window, pulling Juliet away from the jumble of last night’s thoughts and memories. She watched the beautiful bird, listless, yet captivated.

The red ones were the males, right? And didn’t they mate for life? The thought, coupled with a daily dose of morning sickness, nearly left her dashing for the bathroom, but Juliet couldn’t even muster the energy to get out of bed. She fought off nausea by breathing slowly and evenly through her nose. Her fire-winged visitor went stock still for a moment, and then tilted his head in a way that caused Juliet’s lips to curve despite it all. As though on cue, a brown-feathered female joined the papa cardinal. Together they flitted and sang. Amazing, Juliet thought, enchanted by the vision of God’s creation. They were such gorgeous birds, partners in a perfect syncopation of flight and branch dance. Seconds later, they were gone—together—and the vignette broke her heart into sharp, jagged pieces.

Sobs overtook her all at once and without warning.

Well, she had made it through ten or fifteen minutes of consciousness without tears. Maybe next time around she’d make it to the half-hour mark. She grabbed a tissue from the box on the nightstand, dabbed beneath her eyes, and blew her nose.

Juliet expelled a heavy groan. This wouldn’t do. Tossing back the bed covers, she landed her feet on the floor and forced herself to stand. She padded to the easy chair positioned in a corner of the room, grabbing her robe from where she had tossed it the night before. She needed breakfast to quell the queasy roll of her stomach. Furthermore, she knew she couldn’t hide out forever. She had to go home. She had to face Kellen and the remnants of her marriage. Today.

That sense of purpose didn’t make pushing forward any easier, though.

After breakfast, she would go home. By that time Kellen would be at work. That would give her an entire day to prepare for…

There Juliet’s thoughts floundered.

Walking to the bedroom door, pulling it open, she marched into the hallway and found the conclusion of her thought. She needed to prepare herself for this new and completely unexpected turn in her life.

****

Juliet turned onto the tree-lined street, and the familiar sight of her home wove into view. Perfectly shaped pear trees and magnolias framed the white brick colonial. Fragrant petals tumbled to the ground in a carpet of pink, purple, and white.

Mercifully, Kellen’s car was gone. She breathed easier at the realization, and a constricting band eased its hold from around her chest.

Inside, the silence she discovered was welcome and comforting—until she walked into the kitchen. She intended to check the message machine by the phone. What she found waiting for her on the long, granite counter just a few feet away brought her footsteps to an abrupt halt.

Propped against a crystal vase that overflowed with fresh, pink lilacs, she spied a simple white envelope. Her name was written across the front in Kellen’s bold, elegant scrawl. Her nerves tripped and an all-over ache took her under in the span of time it took her to draw a breath.

She stepped forward in a slow, measured way. The aroma of the flowers, one of her all-time favorites, called to her senses, sweet and intoxicating. They were gorgeous. Had he cut the blooms from their tree out back?

Curiosity rampant, she lifted the envelope and tucked her finger beneath the flap. She pulled out two handwritten pages, and then unfolded them, bracing against the edge of the counter to keep steady.

My dearest Juliet ~

Juliet stopped reading and froze. She grabbed for air and dropped the pages onto the counter top, stepping away and turning her back. No. She couldn’t do it. The opening words alone ripped new lines in her still bleeding heart. She could almost hear the loving, tender inflections of his voice…

She paced and glanced back at the papers, trying to think of anything else to do but read them. The tri-folded sheets called to her without mercy, a beckoning she couldn’t possibly resist.

Condemning herself as a glutton for punishment, Juliet stalked back to the counter and grabbed the letter. Determined to be firm-spirited and resolute, she sat at the dinette and braced herself. Girded and resolved to stay detached, she picked up at the first paragraph and began to read.

I don’t even know where to begin. The words ‘I’m sorry’ aren’t nearly enough. I wronged you—I wronged our marriage—in one of the worst ways imaginable. Words alone will never atone for what I’ve done. Simple words won’t reassure you, and simple words won’t win back your love—or your trust. I can only pray you’ll stay by my side long enough for me to show you, day-by-day, the truth of what I’m about to say.

I want you and you alone. I love you and you alone. You, and our marriage, are precious to me. I can’t embellish beyond that. I won’t even try. As I said, words will never do. Now, only actions, the reassertion of my love for you, will turn the tide between us.

What you said to me at church is the absolute truth. Although I didn’t fully betray you with my body, a foolish and misguided desire led me away from everything of deepest value in my life. Misguided desire led me to betray my truest heart, and the woman I love the most. You.

A pair of tears splattered against the corner of the pages she held, spreading a dark stain that blurred a few of the words Kellen had written. Juliet dashed the back of her hand against her cheeks and fought hard to continue.

Juliet, it has always been you. From the moment I met you almost a decade ago, you’ve held my heart. I’m sure that seems so hollow a statement right now. After everything we’ve shared, that kills me inside.

Juliet had to stop there. She was overcome. The words had become indiscernible and her vision refused to clear until she wiped excess moisture away. Again. After blowing out a puff of air, she covered her trembling lips with the press of her fingertips and forced herself to finish his note.

I traveled too fast, swept up in a life that separated me from God, and you, without me even realizing it until I hit a sheet of black ice that I never saw coming. God alone can mend me back into the man I was, the one you fell in love with. Dealing with the fallout of your pain has left me broken inside. Damaged. Why? Because I’m keenly aware of what my wasteful stupidity has done to you—an innocent who certainly didn’t deserve what you received from me. You offered trust. I gave you betrayal. You offered love. I gave you quick-handed deceit.

I write you this note because, for now, the idea of looking into your eyes as I speak these truths tears me up inside to a degree that I know I would never be able to express myself fully, or effectively. That direct a conversation, right now, would take me to a place where I wouldn’t be able to communicate the depth of what I feel.

So, you may ask, what exactly do I feel right now? Mostly, I feel shame, and loss. In you—in us—I held beauty. In a heartbeat, I wrecked it, and I realize I never should have set foot outside the love we share, and the marriage we treasure.

I hope your faith and heart will be strong enough to give us a second chance. But know this, no matter what your answer may be, I’m after you. I’m after you with everything I am, and I won’t quit pursuing you until you let me back into the deepest parts of you. I don’t expect quick redemption, only a chance.

There are a million ways I can spin the words I’m sorry, but there is only one thing that will bring us back to what we were. Me. I need to prove to you—over and over again, in action by action, in every day that you give me from this point forward—that you are the most treasured gift God ever placed in my life. You’re everything to me, but that statement means nothing in the face of the wrongs I’ve done. Give me time to fill the hollow spot I created with what we had before—an amazing, forever love.

Scarred and imperfect, my heart is yours. It always has been, and it always will be. Can you find a way to let me try and win you back? Think about it—please.

With all my love ~ Kellen

Dry-eyed now, Juliet reread the letter—and reread it again. Entire sections of it had already taken root in her memory. By the fourth go-through she was able to recall exact passages before even reading them.

This was the man she had fallen in love with. This was the Kellen Rossiter to whom she had committed her life.