Devotion (15 page)

What had happened?

He watched Juliet paste on a smile and accept the gesture of Chloe’s extended hand. “You must be Chloe Havermill. I’ve heard a lot about you. Welcome to Associated Talent.” Quickly, with a sense of desperation Kellen alone could sense, she looked into his eyes. “I’m sorry to seem rude, but I’m not feeling well, and I really need to leave.”

“Let’s call it a night.” Kellen addressed Chloe in a businesslike manner. “I’ll see you Monday morning.”

****

“Juliet—please talk to me.”

Kellen’s gently spoken request settled between them. She propped her head against the leather seat of their car and closed her eyes. “Kellen, just get me home. I don’t want to talk. Not right now. I’m sick and I need to get my feet back under me. Somehow.”

The last word faded. She took in a deep, shaky breath. Flashes of street light revealed her features from time to time, and he grew increasingly concerned. She was shutting down and completely remote. Were those tear-tracks that cut a glimmering path down her cheeks?

It cost every cent of his restraint, but Kellen respected her request for silence and distance. The last thing she needed right now was pressure—no matter how well intended. She kept her eyes closed, but Kellen longed to offer her comfort. More confused than ever, he sped home. He reached for Juliet’s hand only to discover it was ice cold.

And she promptly pulled away.

13

Juliet stared out the windshield of her parked car, looking at the medical office building through an onslaught of rain. She swallowed back terror. She choked back dizziness and nausea trying to carefully and deliberately even out her breathing, hoping to fight off an onslaught of sickness that sent searing heat through her veins and left her ears to ring.

This is it,
she thought.
I already know what’s coming, and yet all of this seems surreal to me now. Unfathomable.

Then there was the thick, heavy downpour. Naturally, it would rain in an unforgiving deluge. How fitting, she thought, that this oppressive cascade would pour down on what should have been one of the happiest days of her life. And Kellen’s. The coming moments should have been the culmination of everything beautiful and precious between them.

Some would look at the rain as a benediction, like holy water, or a blessing of sorts. Juliet shook her head. No. Not this time. Instead, buckets of water crashed down in laden sheets that only served to distort her view and color her world a deep, depressing shade of gray.

Sunday had stretched out with long, unforgiving arms, yet somehow she had survived. Numbness had coated her spirit all day, an anesthetic that helped her shut down and exist, but not cope. Every time she tried to push through the fog of shock, pain exploded through her body.

She had no idea what to do about Kellen’s infidelity. She had no ability to grasp it and figure out what to do next. She was grateful that physical illness had delivered an excuse to simply lie in bed and gain much needed latitude—and space—from her husband. He didn’t question her listless behavior or her request for solitude. That wasn’t going to last long, though.

Her only thought, her heart’s sole emphasis, remained fixed on this moment alone.

Releasing a strangled moan, Juliet clutched the steering wheel but went otherwise weak. Her shoulders sagged beneath an enormous, invisible weight. She dipped her head until it rested upon the padded leather surface of the steering wheel.

The chain of her necklace bumped against her chin and tears fell down her cheeks. Coming aware, she gulped and gave a hiccupping sigh, fingering the gold chain that was so familiar to her, worrying its pendant—the cross crafted of diamonds set pave—the piece she always wore because it was so precious to her.

Juliet held tight to the cross, squeezing the emblem until, once she pulled her hand away, its imprint remained upon her palm.

“God,” she beseeched in a whisper that filled the empty car, “
please.
I beg you,
please.
I’m not in denial. I’m not unaware of all the signs my body is sending me. What’s about to be confirmed, though—I won’t survive it on my own. It’ll take a miracle to make everything right. It’ll take Your power and nothing less. Please help me. Please.”

The sleek, black face of her Movado watch caught her eye. It was time. Further delay would make her late for her appointment. A thundering pulse increased. She opened the door, extended a compact umbrella and stepped outside. Her legs wobbled. Her ears started to ring even louder, and she tried once more to regulate her breathing and heart rate.

No dice. Right now, the inevitable called.

****

Doctor Jacqueline Roth took Juliet by the hand. Wearing a smile, and the standard issue white jacket and stethoscope, she assisted Juliet from a prone position on the metal examination table until she sat up, perched now at the end, her bare feet dangling.

“Congratulations!” Doctor Roth said kindly. “I’m so happy for you, Juliet. You’re two and a half months along.”

What followed bypassed any sense of full consciousness and instead became nothing more than a swirl of images: a prescription slip for vitamins, words about maintaining a healthy diet and exercise regimen, prompts to set up additional appointments. Through it all, Juliet felt flushed and hot. She trembled, not because she was dressed only in a lightweight cotton dressing gown. Her breathing went shallow, and she felt an ominous blood rush that left her close to hyperventilation. Her body coped with an onslaught of stress and fear, and a now familiar roil of conflicting emotions about the state of her life.

The red stains she felt spreading on her cheeks, and shoulders, the shudders she couldn’t fight, gave her away to her physician. Dr. Roth eyed her. “Juliet, are you OK?”

“No…ah…I mean yeah…of course…I…” She released a breath she had held in too long while trying to come to grips. It came out sounding like a gasp.

“No, you’re not. And your blood pressure was high when you checked in—but I figured that was an anomaly due to nerves. I know what you’ve gone through, and how much this means to you and Kellen.”

Dr. Roth pulled a paper cup from the dispenser positioned above a small metal sink. She filled it with water and handed it over. Juliet struggled to stay upright and cognizant. She sipped the water, which was tepid, and not altogether soothing, but it gave her a diversion. Precious seconds to march forward into what was now a revised version of her life.

“You’re not as excited about the news as I thought you’d be,” Dr. Roth observed gently.

“I…I am…I just…I need to adjust, that’s all.” Juliet tried for a smile, but it wavered. “This is huge, for me and for Kellen.”

As though somewhat assured, Dr. Roth patted Juliet’s shoulder. “Well, it’s not huge yet, but it will be by the end of nine months.” Juliet’s answering laugh was false, but Dr. Roth didn’t seem to notice. “See you in a month, and if you have any issues or any questions at all before the next appointment, don’t hesitate to call in and ask. That’s what we’re here for.”

Juliet ignored the words. She knew just one thing: she had to leave. Suddenly she felt claustrophobic. She had to find her way outside, and then to a place where she could rest in silence and pray.

OK, God. This is Your plan. You know what I’m up against. You know my heart. And Kellen’s. I told You before I even walked in the door that I can’t handle this. I can’t survive this—not on my strength alone, and not the way things are right now. Help me!

An intense urge all but overwhelmed her. She had to get to Trinity Christian as soon as possible. The need hit with such force that it could not—and would not—be denied. There she would try to find her way into some semblance of sanctuary, and God’s presence, before she confronted Kellen.

About everything.

****

“Kellen, what are you getting at? If the case is closed, and you’re turning my career management over to someone else, what more do we have to discuss?”

Since it looked like Chloe was about to bolt from his office, Kellen stood and circled his desk. Before he dropped into the chair next to hers, he turned the piece of furniture so they could be eye to eye. “I want to apologize.” She bristled, but Kellen didn’t let her reaction dissuade him. “I’m trying very hard to get back to where I was—to who I used to be. In order to do that, I need to apologize to you for what happened.”

She blinked. Kellen saw her draw a deep breath. “Meaning
us
.”

Kellen pushed away his shame. “Yes, us. And the kiss, and everything that led up to it. It was wrong on my part to move forward the way we did.”

“I said it at the time, Kellen—you were hardly alone in that.”

He paused to ingest her sharp reply, giving her a pointed opportunity to do the same. Did she realize the deeper meaning of what she had just said? Could she see the truth in it and make changes of her own? Just like the breakdown in his marriage, the relationship with Chloe needed to be confronted, and then absolved—for the sake of everyone involved. They needed to learn from their mistakes.

“You’re a beautiful woman, Chloe. You possess an amazing talent. Don’t let outside forces block you from what’s good in this life. What’s right and
true
.”

“I think I know where you’re going with this, Kellen.” She shifted, seeming uncomfortable.

“Do you?”

“Yes. God. Christianity and all that. You’re re-finding your roots. Great. Congratulations. I won’t get in the way of that. If it’s over, it’s over. You may think my behavior doesn’t show it, but I’m not a bad person.” Her grip went tight on the armrest of the chair. She crossed her legs nervously. “I won’t apologize, though, Kellen. Life is about embracing experiences with no regrets and no asking ‘what if.’ I couldn’t help but pursue what I felt for you.”

That method of thinking alarmed Kellen. “Chloe, please don’t live your life that way. Your career is going to take you far and wide. You’re going to come up against people and circumstances that will hurt you if you embrace a life based on pleasure-seeking instead of what’s best for your overall well-being.”

“That’s a pretty lofty ideal, Kellen, and I’m only human. Furthermore, so are
you
.”

Shame washed over him, but he couldn’t relent. Her posture went rigid. Kellen answered her tense reply by remaining as calm and gentle as possible. “I know. I’m speaking from experience. If any amount of good can come from the mistakes I’ve made, maybe this is part of it. Don’t play footsies with the devil. You won’t make it out alive.”

“It hurts that you think of me as a mistake.”

He shook his head. “No, Chloe, you’re not a mistake—the places we took our relationship were a mistake. My entire world spun out of orbit when I was around you—and that’s because of me—and what I allowed myself to become. It wasn’t right, and it didn’t just hurt me, it demeaned my wife, and the commitment we made to one another.”

“Well, you won’t have to worry about me interfering with that. You want me out of your life, fine. You’ve got your wish. I understand why you don’t want to be my agent any longer, too. It all makes sense. I’m an adult, and I’ll behave like one, but I still don’t understand why you’re saying and doing all this.”

“Because turning your career over to Weiss, so he can reassign your management, is only part of what I know I need to do. Juliet is my mission now. My marriage is my mission. But I know I’ve hurt you. That was never my intent, but I should have recognized—and respected—the danger you and I were falling into.” Kellen gave her hand a final squeeze and looked deep into her turbulent, glittering eyes. The allure of deep violet did nothing to him now. The faultless presentation of upswept hair, a simple white blouse and teal skirt, made no impact at all. “I want you to promise me something.”

“What?” Her voice carried softly, and the brimming tears fell.

“Don’t ever let another man do to you what I did. You deserve much more.”

****

The instant Chloe closed the door of his office Kellen’s heart flew free, trailing ribbons of exquisite relief. Every ounce of temptation she presented had evaporated. He was finished walking that tightrope across a very deep canyon in his life. He had danced willingly into a shade of gray, even as it sent him down the wrong path…but he was finished.

Once again, he thought of Juliet. Thoughts of her led him to focus on a brass-framed photograph positioned on the right corner of his desk. He picked it up and studied the image. It was, by far, his favorite shot of her. Taken on a beach in Hawaii about three years ago, the picture captured the very essence of her spirit.

Generally she was quiet, almost shy, but captivating—and so very sweet. He savored the photograph—her sparkling green eyes, the shoulder-length hair of auburn that waved around her face and, in this shot, was lifted in a soft trade wind. She wore a blue t-shirt and white shorts. In the photo, she looked at him over her shoulder with playful spunk and a degree of love in her eyes that left him humbled and in awe.

They had celebrated their fifth anniversary by island hopping. The Hawaii trip marked the high-end of what was a joyful ride for their marriage. Those few short years ago, they had been at the pinnacle of their lives—blissfully and sincerely happy. He saw, clearly now, that time had worked its way with them. It wasn’t the big stuff that had led him to the ultimate danger point with Chloe. It was a numbing compilation of their daily routine, a shifting of passion from electricity to the ordinary.

An unanswered effort toward building a family didn’t help matters any. Neither did non-stop busyness meant to fill the hours, and their lives, with meaning.

I love Juliet, God. I love her completely. She’s the woman of my heart. How did we grow apart? Why did we let ourselves become so methodical in our approach to one another? It wasn’t always that way. Not at all.