Devotion (17 page)

Kellen rose swiftly and smoothly blocked her exit. “I can’t find a way to ask you to stay put and listen to me. There’s so much I want to say, but you won’t hear a word of it. I’m trapped. I wish I could help you see and understand that I know I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life. I know all of this in my heart, but I can’t make you see it.”

The words were spoken in a tender way. She sensed his regret, but his tone held a layer of challenge as well. She retained just enough strength to answer him back. “Let me ask you something. Do you regret betraying our marriage, or do you regret getting caught in the act?”

Kellen’s shoulders bent and his eyes flickered when he paused and shook his head. “No matter what I say to that, you won’t believe me. No matter what I do, it’ll be wrong.”

He had aged a decade in mere minutes. Lifting her chin, refusing to feel even the slightest degree of empathy, Juliet gathered herself once again. She tried to brush past him but for a second time Kellen stood in the way. She watched him start to reach out again, this time as if wanting to take hold of her arm. When she stepped back, he gritted his teeth and dropped his hand to his side.

“I’m going to ask you—with all that I am—please don’t leave our home.”

Weighted by firm conviction, Kellen’s words fell through her heart but found no room to settle.

“I don’t want you to leave—not now and not ever—but especially not when you’re pregnant with our child.
Please.
I’ll do anything you ask to make it bearable. Just don’t leave.”

A long, tense moment passed. All she could do was stare at him, aghast and wrenched away from everything she knew and everything she held most dear. “Kellen, how much of the chivalry you’re displaying has to do with me, and how much of it has to do with the baby? Finally and at last a baby, right? Family was always our dream, and look what we’ve turned into as that dream comes true.”

Perhaps words could hit as hard as a physical blow. If Kellen’s reaction was any indication, he had been rocked backwards by the figurative punch of a fist. Her vindication at that was tempered immediately by bone-deep sorrow, and loss. Tears sprang up. She dashed them away, sick of the way they felt against her skin, sick of the weakness they displayed. She hiccupped when she tried to catch her breath.

But like a woman possessed, she couldn’t stop herself from lashing out one last time. She had wanted to hurt him, after all, and she was succeeding. “I don’t know what I’m going to do, and I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’ve landed smack-dab in the middle of hell, and you’ve ripped my heart out.”

****

I love you, Juliet. I wanted to say that to you countless times during that horrid confrontation. You’re precious to me. You’re my everything. I’ve made an epic mistake, but I love you.

I love you…

I love you…

The words became a chorus that played through him over and over again. Kellen stumbled blindly toward his car in the church parking lot. Rain drenched him, all but gluing his suit to his body. He couldn’t have cared less. He sank onto the driver’s seat of his CTS and slammed the door shut. The drumbeat of pouring water pounded against the roof and windshield.

Juliet was long gone. She had exited the church and taken off with no indication of whether she’d go home, or perhaps to Marlene’s, or maybe even her parents’ house. She needed to be away from him, and Kellen didn’t blame her. Meanwhile, in an awful glimpse of the new life he inhabited, he had nothing left.

Kellen, I am with you. Always.

He propped his head against the back of the leather seat and closed his eyes. Water ran off his hair in cold, snaking rivers that skimmed his neck and dribbled down his back as he forced himself to go still.

“There’s no way to reach her now,” he lamented, beseeching the God he had refused to obey. Would He hear? Would He care? Everything Kellen knew to be true as a Christian told him, emphatically, yes. No one was beyond redemption. Even him. “She’s been ambushed, God, and her heart has been laid low by my stupidity.”

Turning inward, Kellen allowed his mind to go blank. Muscles and joints held too tightly in place began to uncoil, leaving him in the throes of an ache that pounded through every joint in his body.

“Please—please, Father help her learn to forgive me.”

His words mixed with the sizzle and pop of the rain. His eyes stung as the unwavering truth behind them hit home and left Kellen acutely aware of everything he had lost: the sweet, unfettered sparkle of Juliet’s eyes when she looked at him, the soft silk of her hand in his, her presence, in both body and spirit with a force so powerful and intimate that, after the length of time they had been together, he could no longer distinguish where he ended and Juliet began.

Until now.

The two-word condemnation wreaked havoc. He expelled a heavy breath and slouched forward. He had to get going, but the simple act of pushing a key into the ignition and twisting it felt like running a marathon. The engine purred to life and hummed smoothly. Kellen couldn’t move. He didn’t want to. His conference call was scheduled to start in less than twenty minutes; there was no way he’d make it on time. Furthermore? It didn’t matter to him one bit.

“Forget it,” he muttered to the empty space. “Forget it all.”

Lead Me
by Sanctus Real came on the radio, and from the opening words, Kellen sank back once more and lost himself in the lyrics and music, forcing himself to remember to breathe.

Busted up and bleeding from the core of his spirit, Kellen’s tears squeezed out of the corners of his eyes and trickled down his cheeks. The song couldn’t have possibly been more ordained. The piece chronicled a turbulent season in the span of a Christian marriage. He clenched his fists. The lyrics sank in and a painful swell of emotion left his throat tight. The musical illustration of a man struggling to maintain his Godly hold on life—trying to lead his wife, his children and himself toward spiritual truth—shattered his defenses like the sure swing of a sledgehammer.

It was a pure moment of God-speak.

Kellen’s tears rolled harder—beads of regret that poured down his face in a way he hadn’t experienced since his youth.

Husband. Father. Christian leader.

He had utterly failed…on all counts.

Dreams came true as his most precious relationship, his deepest love, unraveled. He couldn’t turn the tide now. Juliet had made that clear. How could he find God’s grace when he had lost a large part of what was best in his life—the faith and trust of his wife? Now Juliet paid the price for his mistakes and the battle he had lost against the devil’s temptations.

Help me bring her back, Lord. I can’t do this without You. Help me show her my devotion. Help me recapture her heart.

Kellen groaned after that silent prayer. He meant every syllable, but wondered. How could he ever win her back? How could she ever be free enough to trust him again? Agony transformed into a physical pain. The lyrics of the song continued to wash over him, but Kellen felt far removed from any type of cleansing and hope they might provide. Rather, he considered the moments when he had stepped away from his church and turned his back on everything he knew to be right—like the woman he had committed his love to for a lifetime, and still loved above all else.

His diversion from God had intensified the instant a starry-eyed beauty had entered his field of vision, playing a perfect stroke against each and every pressure point of his thirsty ego. He had turned away from heaven and stumbled headlong into a battle against the devil in his soul. Being a Christian didn’t protect him from being tempted by the call of evil. Now he needed to reassert himself by finding his way back to his faith and Juliet—the only woman who mattered.

He decided to chuck work and go home instead. He’d call Weiss with some form of an excuse for bailing on the conference call with Los Angeles. Whether Juliet showed up or not, home is where he needed to be. When he left the church parking lot, the song concluded on a provocative declaration that seeped into Kellen’s soul and found fertile soil. Kellen prayed.
Father, lead me. I can’t do this alone.

****

He piloted home, not knowing what to expect. He drove up the driveway and spied Juliet’s car in the garage. He pulled in next to her black Lexus, unable to exit his vehicle right away. It seemed like God was all but buckling him into place.

Kellen might have been a few months rusty on petitions and daily prayer, but not anymore. He recognized a call to worship when it hit him over the head, and he heeded the summons. He didn’t speak; he didn’t think. Instead, he listened to the silence and he bowed his head, loving the way his body went lax and receptive.

Love her, Kellen. Love her well.

Six small words filled him. They might have come from God; they might have been his dearest wish given form. He didn’t know for sure, and for now, he didn’t care. All he wanted in his life was to somehow make things right.

He stepped out of the car. When he cut through the kitchen, all he came upon was silence. Concerned, he headed to the entryway of their home, intending to trot upstairs and see if Juliet might be in their bedroom. Forward progress stuttered to a halt when he came upon two small suitcases parked at the foot of the stairs.

Kellen’s knees started to give. He grabbed hold of the banister and remained upright. Barely. A crushing recognition pressed in on him from every side.
I’m this easy for her to leave behind. I’m this easy for her to reject.
Before self-pity could take root, before he could even shed a tear, the circle of that thought came to completion.
It serves me right. What else should I expect? After all, I rejected her first…

Punctuating the moment, he came aware of soft footfalls on the thick, cream carpet of the stairs. When he looked up, Kellen came upon eyes of deepest green that had broken the seal of his heart forever. What had he ever—
ever
—been thinking when gazing at Chloe?

Juliet came to an awkward stop just a few steps away from the landing. “You…you’re home…?”

Kellen crumbled. Something bitter and acrimonious entered his soul. “Did you think I’d go back to work? Really?”

“I don’t know what to think anymore, Kellen.”

He banished a growl of frustration. This was his doing—not Juliet’s. Following a measured breath, he looked into those heartbreaking, luminous eyes. “You’re leaving?”

“Absolutely.” She descended the remaining stairs and viciously extracted the metal guide handles of the luggage. “I don’t know what I want over the long term yet, but I need to figure that out, don’t I?”

“Divorce?” The word tasted rotten. Even putting that idea into the universe caused his stomach to knot.

“We’re the sum of our choices, Kellen, and you’ve made yours. That’s not a criticism. It’s simply a realization I’ve come to with the past few months as a barometer. I’m married to—” she made a couple of air quotes “—Kellen Rossiter. But the marquee isn’t what I married, and the marquee isn’t what I fell in love with. My biggest fear is that when you take enough time and focus on me long enough to look deep, you’ll find you don’t love me anymore. I guess we changed drastically without even realizing it. Where does that leave us? What does it all mean?”

Her monotone voice undid his control system. He wanted to keep fighting; he wanted her to keep fighting, too, but she looked weakened and defeated, as though the ability to do battle just wasn’t in her any more.

“You’re carrying our child. Think about that! God’s plan is for
us
.” This time, Kellen used the air quotes. Juliet’s chin wavered, her eyes sparkled, but no tears fell. It looked like she had rediscovered the determination to leave him behind, but when he explored the layers of emotion residing just beneath her steel and grit, he found nothing but sorrow.

If she was this sad about the state of their relationship, could there be enough emotion left to build something better?

He battled on. “Juliet, think about something else, too. Do you think it’s mere coincidence that the night I met up against my biggest temptation, God turned me to you, and to us, so irrevocably?”

“That’s where you’re wrong. We should have been irrevocable from the start. From the moment we exchanged our vows. So, you’ve answered my question. This whole horrible mess leaves us nowhere. When I’m ready, I’ll get a hold of you. Don’t try to track me. Don’t call Marlene, and don’t call my parents. Until I can come to terms, I want you to leave me alone.”

The finality of that last, tortured statement stunned him to broken silence. Before he could hazard a reply, Juliet snared her suitcases and beat a hasty retreat. She was a quiet, crushed woman.

When she walked away, when he heard the definitive click of the garage entrance door being pulled closed, Psalm 46 sang through Kellen’s mind.
Be still, and know that I am God.

He didn’t want to hear holy platitudes, yet there had to be a purpose for God’s prompting. He closed his eyes and softened his heart
. How can I be still when I’ve destroyed everything I love? She’s left…

No immediate answer materialized.

The night passed in a wretched, unnatural silence that permeated the entire house. Inconsolable, Kellen sat in the empty living room, hating the lifeless feel of the atmosphere and his life. His spirit vibrated with every accusation she had hurled; every dose of her bitterness and pain wrapped around him tight, becoming claustrophobic.

He sat in the leather chair he always occupied and stared at its twin, the mate right next to his. It was Juliet’s favorite spot whenever they curled up together, chatted, shared tea, or watched television. Between the two recliners stood a table upon which rested their Bibles.

Kellen rubbed his forehead and closed his eyes against all the images of her light…and leaving.

Love her, Kellen. Love her well.

Repeat counsel from God. He sighed and sank back in his chair. Sure, the advice was great, but he couldn’t find a pathway to make amends—and love her well. He surrendered for the moment and forced everything out of his mind. His gaze fell to the remote control for the television, and he decided he needed noise. Clicking on the power button, he sighed and waited while the plasma screen fired to life. He scrolled through the menu screen listlessly, glancing at movie selections until one in particular froze his fingertips on the device.