Devotion (29 page)

But all things considered, she refused to give in. She couldn’t offer him what he wanted. Her body remained tightly connected to her soul, and her soul still questioned, still doubted, and still searched.

“I can’t,” she murmured, grasping at the last remnants of her willpower by a margin so narrow it robbed her of breath.

Kellen watched her, but dejection rode a pathway straight from his eyes to hers.

“Not yet,” she said.

A tense silence followed. “I want you back so much it hurts, Juliet. But it’ll never happen, will it?” Kellen’s words echoed through the room, a muttered condemnation of himself, of her, and of all that their marriage had once been.

Defeat caused her muscles to go taut, stoking a heat that crawled against her skin. Juliet wanted to crumple up and wail. What could she say to that? How could she possibly respond? She tried to formulate an answer, but only silence held sway.

Issuing a low, frustrated growl, Kellen ripped back the bedcovers. He didn’t look her way, so she couldn’t read his expression. He stalked to the bathroom—and slammed the door.

Juliet winced but gasped when she heard the sound of crashing glass that resounded through the space Kellen occupied.

Galvanized, she pushed through the entrance. She tumbled into his unyielding grip, and he pinned her against the door, which slammed closed at her back.

“Stay put!” She shivered. His voice was too loud—too harsh. He stalked away, going to a space by the toilet where water spatters dotted the wall. On the floor just beneath, glass shards decorated the ceramic tile like sparkling glitter.

Apparently, he had thrown the glass against the wall in a move of abject frustration she understood completely. He squatted and began to pick up the splinters. His fast, reckless motions broke her heart. “Kellen, please, let me help you! You’re going to get hurt.”

“Get out of here! I don’t want you to get cut!”

Juliet froze when he turned his head and she look into his eyes. Never, ever, in their time together had she seen him look so tortured, so ravaged. Had she done this to him? Had the power of his feelings so completely overwhelmed him? He was out of control—a foreign entity from the composed, smooth man she knew.

In the near distance, a knock sounded at their bedroom door. “Kellen? Juliet?” May’s voice reached them, urgent and concerned. “We heard a bang, and glass breaking. Are you OK?”

Juliet eyed her husband in plaintive desperation. “Your mom,” she eked out.

Kellen leaned forward and propped his head against the wall. He closed his eyes and groaned. “Sorry, Mom. The door got away from me, and I accidentally knocked the glass from the sink. We’re fine.”

“Let me get you a broom and dust pan.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ve got it covered. We’ll be right out.”

“OK, sweetheart. Be careful of the glass.”

Thankfully, May left it at that. Kellen stood and went to work all over again. His bare feet came dangerously close to a glittering pile of broken crystal. Juliet moved toward him without thinking. She sank to her knees, picking up remnants and throwing them into a small garbage pail. Her knees made contact with splinters and glass dust and it hurt. She sank into a weak heap.

Kellen leaned down just far enough to grab her wrists and lift her away. “This is
my
mess to deal with! Please, would you just leave me be?” She saw through the veneer of his sharp words to the anguish that lay beneath.

“I can’t.”

“Yes, you can, Juliet. In fact, you’re doing a great job of it.” He continued the task of picking up debris. He scooped by hand and viciously dumped glass remains into the wastebasket. Tiny glass cuts emerged in the form of thready, red smears that glossed his fingertips. He didn’t even pause. “I’m at the end of it all. There’s nothing I can say anymore, and nothing I can do to make things right again.” He continued to shovel and toss, never meeting her eyes. “How much more can I repent? I’ve tried everything I know to make my way back to you.”

“Kellen, I’m lost, too! I’m on a roller coaster, and it’s exhausting! One second I feel fine about you and I—the next second I feel thrilled about having our baby—then this horrid black cloud comes over me, and I return to your office following a beautiful lunch together and come face-to-face with…with…”

“Chloe.” The word came out sounding flat and lifeless. “Stop trying to step over the walls between us. It can’t be done. We need to obliterate them. We…” He gulped. His chest worked convulsively. “No. Not we.
You
need to find a way to forgiveness, or we don’t stand a chance.”

Kellen groaned. He slid down the wall again, all the way to the floor and onto his backside. Drawing up his knees, he dropped his head onto his crossed arms. “I watched while you stood in the middle of that soup kitchen and hugged a man. It was innocent, and I knew it—but all I wanted to do was rip the two of you apart, so I can’t imagine how what I’ve done has broken your heart. I wanted to put my fist through a wall I was so angry—and scared—about what I saw between you and Tim. That pales in comparison to what I did to you. I know
all
of this, Juliet. What I don’t know how to do is make you believe that I love you, and always will. I’m trying to show you that I regret what I did. Beyond the way I live my life, I can’t do anything more.”

Before Juliet could respond, Kellen pushed to his feet and padded from the bathroom. When he closed the door this time, it was with a considerably lighter touch.

His surrender to hopelessness stayed with her long after the silence rode in. His seemingly endless supply of patience had run out—just when she was trying to come to grips with the fact that, despite everything that had transpired, she still loved her husband beyond any power or emotion she had ever known before.

27

That afternoon, Juliet decided to embrace a bit of solitude and take a nerve soothing dip in the pool.

Jack and Kellen worked on the jammed sprinkler units out front. Meanwhile, May attended a weekly bridge club gathering. Crossing through an empty and peaceful kitchen, Juliet exited the house through sliding glass doors. She was dressed to swim in a deep blue one-piece, a towel draped over her shoulders. Jack and May’s backyard was a welcoming oasis, framed by hydrangea bushes, lemon and pear trees. Metal bistro tables and chairs surrounded the curves of the kidney shaped pool. Rainbow shades of snapdragons formed borders against thick green grass.

Tossing her towel and cell phone onto the closest table, Juliet performed a fast, bracing dive.

Pushing through the water provided a pleasant stretch to her muscles and diverted her attention—if only temporarily—from focusing on Kellen. She paced herself carefully, pausing every once in a while to sink deep then break through the water. She rolled onto her back and floated, humming a soft sound of approval. She closed her eyes, moving with the ebb and flow of the water, relaxing muscle-by-muscle.

“…I’ll restart the system, Dad. Let me know if we unclogged the unit.”

Kellen’s voice drifted at first, and then intensified as he pushed through the wooden gate of the backyard.

His shadow passed across the spot where she lay, and Juliet’s serenity shattered. She kicked her feet until they landed on the bottom of the pool and stood, raking back her hair and scrubbing her face. She blinked her eyes free of water, realizing he had come to a stop, watching her as he opened an electrical box not far away.

“Hey, Juliet…” He seemed surprised to see her, but then he smiled. “Every mother-to-be should look as good as you.”

Though insulated by the rippling water, Juliet shivered, thoroughly aware of him. He didn’t dwell for long, though. He explored the interior of a wall-mounted unit that housed the sprinkler control. Seconds later, he was gone without a backward glance or another word.

Juliet dove deep then plunged out of the water, stepping from the pool. She dropped onto a chair bathed by sunlight. Pursing her lips, she reached for her phone and keyed into her directory. She needed support. She needed to talk to the person she could most rely on for wise counsel and understanding.

“Hey, Jules.” The sound of Marlene’s voice soothed Juliet immediately. “How’s it going?”

“Good. I just wanted to hear your voice.” Juliet curved a hand against her abdomen as she stretched out her legs and soaked up the warmth. The atmosphere of tranquility lent itself to Juliet being able to go still. She tilted her head back once more and closed her eyes.

“That bad, baby?”

Marlene’s tender remark caused Juliet to smile. “You’re perceptive.”

“How are you holding up? Honest answer.”

Juliet shrugged. “I’m OK.”

“Really?”

“Honest answer.”

“Fill me in on what’s happening behind the scenes. How are you and Kellen handling things with his folks?”

Juliet lifted her head and cast a fast glance toward the closed fence. Kellen was out of earshot, and she’d keep an eye out in case he returned to the backyard. For now, she could release some of her turmoil into Marlene’s care.

“It…it’s been…interesting.”

“Hmm. Well—talk to me about interesting.”

Through the phone, Juliet heard background noise of water running, then the
thunk
of a mug being set down. A door closed and a blip later, the familiar whir of a microwave began. The interlude gave Juliet time to think about what to say.

“Well, when we arrived yesterday, Kellen and I were shown to our room.” Deliberately, she let the sentence dangle so Marlene could pick up the threads.

“You’re sleeping with Kellen.”

“Couldn’t very well get around it.”

A whoosh crossed their connection as Marlene expelled a sharp breath. “Wow. May and Jack have no idea that—”

“None. So don’t even go there, Marlene. We have no choice but to hold up and make the best of it.” The intensity behind those words caused Juliet to realize how edgy she remained.

“I know, sweetie, I know. Still—that’s got to be so hard on you.”

Marlene’s gently spoken response helped Juliet calm down. “It’s harder—much harder—on Kellen.” Verbalizing that fact broke the dam in her heart, the one that held back all the words she most longed to say.

Birds swooped through the air, landing artfully upon tree branches laden by verdant leaves. A soft breeze, sweetened by the aroma of mixed florals, skimmed her cheeks.

“Marlene…it’s becoming so hard to stay clear of him, and what we feel for each other. I can’t keep being angry. It’s taking up too much energy.”

“Because you’re fighting it.”

“Why does that come off sounding like a criticism?”

“It’s not. It’s simply the relay of perception—from someone who’s known you for just this side of thirty-some years.”

“He’s trying to win me back, and…and…” Tears helped blur and dim the stark brightness of the sky. “It feels so much like it used to…”

“For instance?”

“For instance, it felt so good to wake up next to him. We ended up spooned together like always, and it was beautiful.”

The muffled ding of the microwave pulled Juliet back to Marlene, away from the flow of phantom sensations she carried of his body strong and sure, aligned against hers.

“Are you seeing it through? Have you let him make love to you?”

“Marlene!” Juliet hissed the admonishment and blushed furiously. She clutched the phone to her ear, looking left and right. No one was anywhere near, of course…but still…

“Well, did you?”

“What difference does that make?” Besieged by desperation, Juliet attempted to calm her racing heart.

“All the difference. If you did—if you’re coming close—that means you’re letting him back into the places you cordoned off after Chloe.”

“
Chloe.
Thanks, Marlene. Thanks a lot. And the answer to your question is no.” Bitterness conducted its debilitating and now familiar release through her system.

“Came close though, huh? The ropes and security tape are bound to come down. He’s been working to reclaim your heart, and it’s working. I can tell by the tone of your voice. You’re worked up.”

Oh my goodness.
Was she
really
having this conversation? And why did Marlene’s frank and unapologetic analysis cause her whole body to tingle and awaken? This was dangerous territory.

“But we didn’t. I…I…” She couldn’t admit how deeply their morning interlude had stirred her—not just physically, but emotionally. Why? Fear. Plain and simple. She could admit as much to herself, but not Marlene. Not yet.

“You
what,
Juliet? Are you running out of room to run? Excuses to push him away?”

Every word Marlene spoke stoked the fire of the love Juliet was rediscovering for her husband—a precious love she ached to reclaim—on every level.

“Loving him that deeply would leave me wide open to being devastated again, and you know it.”

“Honey, I
do
know it. There’s just one problem.” Juliet puffed out a sigh, and waited. “You’re already there—whether he makes love to you or not. That’s got to be leaving you aching—on so many levels.” This time it was Marlene’s sigh that crossed their connection. “Trust. It’s going to be the last hurdle you face and the toughest one to clear—but oh, when you do…”

There was a deliberately savoring, tempting promise to the way Marlene polished off that sentence. Juliet sank against the chair, releasing an involuntary, strangled sound. The ache Marlene described assailed her with tender, knowing fingers, making her yearn to be his again, fully—and forever.

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

The words crept in, poking against the love she felt, turning into hot, sharp pinpricks against a surface no stronger than the rubber skin of an inflated balloon.

Do not be afraid, Juliet. I am with you. I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will be with you. Always.

Unexpected and immediate, God’s loving voice moved through her. Her disquiet stilled. She breathed in deep and let herself accept the fact that she was falling in love with Kellen—all over again.