Devotion (33 page)

A few days after the party, Kellen sat in the easy chair across from Pastor Gene’s desk at Trinity Church in the midst of a counseling session.

“Yes, we’re making progress, but it’s still an up and down ride. I feel like we’re close to being back to what we were, but I also feel like there’s something missing, some ingredient to the recovery process that I’ve overlooked somehow.”

“Recovery, even when progress is made, still requires slow steps and a lot of patience. From what you’ve described during our last few meetings, she’s getting the message. If the seeds are replanted, all you can do is continue to nourish them.”

Kellen pondered that. He crossed his legs and stared across the room. “She’s definitely trying, but right now, forgiving me is beyond her ability.”

“Perhaps, for now. But there’s something else she might be struggling with that you haven’t mentioned yet.”

Kellen frowned. “What’s that?”

“Have you considered the fact that Juliet might also be struggling with the issue of asking you for
your
forgiveness as well as offering hers in return?”

Kellen reared back. “What? No. That’s just crazy. Why would Juliet need my forgiveness? I’m the one who—”

“Kellen, hear me out.” Pastor Gene edged forward against the desk. His brows lifted a few inches. “Marriages don’t succeed or fail in a vacuum. It’s a partnership. It’s dual caring, dual commitment and dual
accountability
.”

“Don’t blame her for my mistakes.” Kellen bit the words. He clenched his hands against the armrests of the chair.

But then came a memory. The sound of Juliet’s voice, soft—touched by the cadence of the south, drifted through his mind and into the mix of his emotions.

I never meant to let you down. It’s my responsibility to take care of our marriage as much as it is yours. I messed up, too.

Kellen’s brows pulled together and his hands relaxed.

Pastor Gene stretched back in his chair and steepled his fingers. “Did something hit home?”

Kellen looked at the man, chagrined.

Pastor Gene continued, “You’re struggling through some of the most delicate territory there is in a marriage—the idea of free will in a committed relationship. You’ve both come to realize that love doesn’t just depend on you, or on her. It depends on
both
of you and the choices you make as a couple to stay together—and in love—despite everything life throws your way. Love is a very deliberate choice, no matter what mistakes either one of you may make.”

Kellen stood in a brisk motion and paced. He came to a stop in front of a painting that depicted a calming, earthy woodland scene. Ideas rolled through his mind. There were so many things in his life that didn’t fit properly at the moment. He had nearly destroyed the most precious relationship in his life. Despite material success and the kind of professional accolades most men might envy, these days his job struck him as empty—void of divinity. Worst of all, he had stepped away from his personal relationship with God, and look where it had gotten him.

He wanted to make changes.

Like a form of acid, the deterioration of his values had eaten away at everything he knew to be most important.

Well, the truth was coming back to him now. He wanted to reassert himself as a tool meant for God’s use. He belonged to God, wounds and all. God loved him fiercely, wounds and all. The very idea stirred a holy fire in his spirit.

“Take a long, hard look at your life—and hers.” Pastor Gene’s voice cut into the silence Kellen had allowed to build.

“Meaning?”

“Meaning figure out what led you to this point to begin with.”

Kellen expelled a hard sigh and walked back to the chair in front of the desk. He slumped into it. “That much is obvious.”

Pastor Gene shook his head. “Once again, let me advise you to move past Chloe. That’s not my point. You’ve beaten yourself up enough about the mistake you made, and you’re regretful. You moved past that error in judgment. Furthermore, you’re
forgiven
. Accept that grace. Then, with revised perception, look at what changes need to be made to your life. What can you make better? More fulfilling? What drew you and Juliet apart?”

Kellen had touched upon the root causes already, but what were the remedies? With Juliet, he shared a strong faith that enriched every aspect of their lives. From there, they both loved service. Giving their time and support to activities they felt strongly about further strengthened their bond to one another, and the God they served.

But into that idyll had crept circumstances they couldn’t seem to control.

To correct that, he could…

Kellen straightened abruptly.

“Kellen?”

He ignored Pastor Gene’s call and stood, awash in an instantaneous and potent rush of adrenaline. He held up a hand and started to pace again. “Hold on a second…”

Pastor Gene kept his questions to himself, but Kellen felt the man tracking him as he stalked across the room.

Could it possibly be this easy? Had the answer come to him this quickly—with such certainty?

Return to me.

God spoke and anticipation prickled; an epiphany ignited.

“Kellen, are you all right?” Pastor Gene sounded alarmed.

“I’m OK—just stunned. I think God’s leading me toward some of the answers I need.”

“Oh?”

He paused at the window of Pastor Gene’s office and looked outside, at a nearby park full of people taking advantage of a sparkling autumn day. Kids flew through the air on swings, propelled by pushes and gravity. Others glided down slides or ran the perimeter of the playground. Parents watched from their seats on nearby benches.

Kellen turned back to the church leader and counselor, propping his shoulder against the windowsill. “You’re absolutely right. Identifying mistakes has been easy, but I’ve spent so much time trying to work past the things I’ve done wrong that I never really looked for solutions. You’ve helped me focus on that fact. You and God…”

His words trailed off. A smile split his features. Crystal clear, Kellen saw a pathway to his deepest wants and needs—and he couldn’t wait to begin the journey.

****

Kellen stopped at the desk of his assistant. “Anna, I need you to print off a copy of my client rundown, with full contact information, as soon as you can, please.”

“Not a problem.”

If she found anything unusual in the request, she didn’t show it. Kellen went to his office and closed the door—not typical for him—but nothing odd enough to stir excess curiosity.

The timing here had to be perfect. He needed to carefully line up his plans and participants before following through on the plan that had bloomed.

Not much time passed before a soft knock sounded at the door.

“Come on in, Anna.” Tentative steps led her toward his desk.

“Here you go.” She handed over a stack of paper a couple of inches thick.

“Thanks.”

She nodded and turned to leave. “Do you want the door open or closed?”

“Closed, please.”

Her brows knit, but she did as he asked. Kellen tuned out everything but the call sheets.

Over the next hour, he twiddled a pen and edited the list of names, circling some, crossing out others. The deletions came a lot easier than he thought they would. Surprisingly, each name he cut lessened the weight on his shoulders—and his soul. By the time late afternoon hit, he was unbound, floating on relief…and expectation.

This exercise was long overdue. He had carried enormous burdens and allowed them to pile up—brick by brick—without even realizing it until the weight overwhelmed everything else.

The papers now spread across his desk had crowded out his love for Juliet, his family and friends—even his devotion to God. The freedom he found in claiming grace from the ashes of that mistake was a sensation more beautiful than anything he could have possibly imagined. The life changes to follow were nothing more than detail work he entrusted completely to God.

At last he set aside the pen and breathed deep. He closed his eyes and relaxed into stillness. The next part of his newly found pathway would be a bit harder to traverse, but equally liberating. He needed to tell Juliet, then Weiss McDonald, that he intended to resign from Associated Talent.

31

Juliet huffed in relief when she deposited a load of grocery bags onto the kitchen counter. She glanced at the phone and message machine on the counter and noticed a red message light flashing. She depressed the play button.

“Kellen, it’s Weiss. I’ve been trying your cell for the past couple hours with no luck, so I thought I’d try you at home. I know you had to get to an appointment, but I’m not letting this go. Call me back. We can work something out. Let’s dive into this thing and think it through before you make any final decisions. We need to make time to discuss the bombshell you delivered.”

The sound of a phone being hung up ended the message. Juliet cocked her head, resting a hip against the counter. Kellen was avoiding Weiss’s calls? Kellen had dropped a bombshell?

Brows furrowed, she stared ahead at packages of food needing to be stored. Prickles danced against her arms and down her neck when she went about stashing away the week’s foodstuffs.

Kellen burst through the garage entrance an hour later. Juliet was seated on a tall stool at the kitchen island paging through a clothing catalogue she’d pulled from the day’s mail delivery.

“Juliet?” His energy instantly filled the kitchen. He tossed aside his computer bag, so lit by excitement she was momentarily taken away from misty imaginings of a wardrobe that didn’t feature pants with expansion panels and billowing maternity blouses.

“Hey…you’re home early.” She prepared to stand, but Kellen had already trotted to her side, capturing her in a hug.

“Stay put. Actually, I’m glad you’re sitting down.”

Baffled, Juliet gestured in the direction of the fry pan on the stove where their dinner entrée of breaded pork chops had been set to sear. “I need to turn the meat…and—”

“I’ve got it.”

Kellen retrieved the tongs she had set on the stovetop and fussed over the food for a moment. The aroma of onions, garlic and sizzling pork intensified, drifted through the air on curls of steam.

He claimed the stool next to hers and stilled himself—as though in prayer. Seconds later, he tilted his head and gave her a long, intent look. “Are you ready for this?” Juliet nodded, perplexed. “I want to leave AT.”

Juliet jerked slightly. Her stomach freefell as though she had just leaped off a cliff. “Wh…what?”

“I told Weiss my intention, but nothing’s official until I have your support, because it’ll be an enormous life change.” He took hold of her hand. “But it’ll be good, Juliet.
So
good.” He paused, and she soaked in the happy flash of his eyes. “I
want
to do this. Branching off on my own is something I’ve always wanted to try, and there could be no better time than now. I’ve got the means and the skill to build the kind of agency I’ve always dreamed of…doing the type of work that’s most meaningful to me, the kind of work that’s a lot more in tune with who I am, and who I want to be.”

“You’d walk away?” Despite his lofty ideals, she couldn’t quite grasp the idea. “I’d never ask you to do that, Kellen. Don’t give up who and what you are. Don’t give up what fulfills you and brings you joy. Are you sure about this?”

“Juliet, music brings me joy. My faith brings me joy.” He shook his head. “Most of all,
you
bring me joy. You and the family we’re creating. In order to be true to myself, I have to refocus. The thing is, I’ve
never
felt better.”

Enthusiasm rolled off him in a circuit of energy that Juliet could taste in the air all around them. He slid off the chrome barstool and strode across the length of the kitchen.

When he stopped, he looked her straight in the eyes. The look dug deep, pulling every ounce of love she felt straight out of her heart and into his possession. “To answer your question, the only thing I’ve ever been more sure of is asking you to be my wife.”

His comment led Juliet to a moment peppered by nine years’ worth of love and meaning.

“You,” she whispered, “in charge of your own company. Heading up a roster of clients who hold to the same principals we do.” She imagined her smile told him what he wanted to know even before she concluded. “I like it, Kellen. I like it a lot.”

The temperature indicator beeped on the oven, cutting into a lingering silence. A batch of croissants was laid out on a metal sheet ready to be baked. Before Juliet could lift from her stool, Kellen went to the counter and slid the tin tray onto the top shelf of the oven.

After double-checking the chops, he reclaimed his stool. “I went to work for a while after my counseling session with Pastor Gene today. Before I met with Weiss, I pulled the Bible from my desk. Over the years, I’ve kept notes about what verses to turn to when I face difficult situations. Today I came across a verse that…well, wait…hang on. I want to get the quote just right.”

Kellen dashed from the kitchen and returned seconds later with his Bible in hand. He flipped through the pages. “Listen to Ephesians, chapter two, verse eight.
By grace you have been saved, through faith; and this is not your own doing. It is the gift of God.
” His gaze speared Juliet and he arched a brow. He thumbed the pages once more. “Then came this one, from Proverbs, chapter twenty four.
By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures.
” His gaze returned to Juliet’s and he shook his head, his features full of the childlike wonder of rediscovering and redefining the gifts he had been given. “Those verses point straight at us, Juliet. Being wise will lead me to the treasure of your love, and our baby, but wisdom must include my role as an agent, and provider for our family as well.”

He closed the book and slid it against the slab of cool, granite counter they shared. Juliet’s throat stung. Never had she loved him more.