Devotion (16 page)

Kellen set aside the photograph and acknowledged part of the problem. He had strayed from God. Juliet had stayed devout and active in her faith life, but with an all-consuming drive that claimed their time together, and made it easy for him to drift and focus his energies elsewhere.

They needed to work on those issues. Together.

Next, he wrestled with the idea of telling her about Chloe. Juliet was an innocent. She didn’t deserve the pain he would inflict by confessing. And he hadn’t made love to Chloe—he had kissed her, once, and tasted ruination. He had promptly and sincerely changed after that terrible slip and never, ever would he be swept away by another woman.

Hiding from her would be wrong, though. He knew that—but he couldn’t stomach the idea of looking into her eyes and shattering the love and trust they had always shared.

No. He couldn’t do it—but on the other hand, how else could he live with himself? How could he ever be completely honest with her? Yes, the truth would hurt them both, but from there, they could rebuild. He was determined to reclaim his heart, and Juliet alone knew its every contour. He’d spend a lifetime assuring her of his love.

But would she ever be able to forgive him? Would she ever be able to trust him again if he found the strength, and ability, to come clean and unburden his soul?

Nope—he just couldn’t do it…

But…if he didn’t…

Kellen, My son, what you do in the darkness is revealed in the light. Hold fast to My hand, for you are Mine.

The words came to him, a memory stroke that carried the fortifying touch of God’s spirit. This time, he took the hint.

Kellen shoved back from his desk and stood. He looked at his watch and calculated his schedule. He had a couple of hours to spare before a conference call with AT headquarters in Los Angeles. Right now, all he could focus on was the need to fall back into God’s embrace. He needed grace-filled forgiveness and God’s guidance so desperately he shook.

He grabbed his coat, intending to get to Trinity Christian Church. Immediately.

14

The church space sang to Juliet in a holy silence that wrapped around her like a welcome embrace. She knelt to pray, heedless of the fact that there were no kneelers in the pews of Trinity Christian. The hard tile floor felt good beneath her knees, and somehow grounding.

“God, what did I do wrong? We didn’t argue. We didn’t fight. We moved forward together in our marriage. Why did he leave it behind? How was that even possible for him? How did I fail him? And You?”

She sobbed openly, speaking the words aloud, heedless of being overheard. The space was empty anyhow. She laid her head on her folded hands trying desperately to bring herself to a new understanding of her life.

My promises are unchanging truth, and life. Your faith will save you. Go forward in peace, and be cured of your affliction.

The words, the glimpse of sacred Scripture, resounded through the entirety of her being. The decree swept through her with such power she went straight, tears drying on her cheeks as she blinked, and assimilated. Had she not already been on her knees, the summons would have knocked her there like the weakened heap of humanity she had become.

She pondered. Go forward? In
peace
? How was she supposed to accomplish
that
? In prompt, near supernatural response, she received the answer.

Know that I am God, Juliet. Know that I am God.

She bowed her head, drained and empty, submitting herself as best she could. Just then, the sound of footsteps echoed down the main aisle.

“Juliet?” The call jarred her. She whipped her head around and gasped at what she saw.

Kellen.

Kellen?

Did she simply think his name, or had she spoken it aloud? Stunned and overwrought, Juliet scrambled to her feet. In an untidy spin, she faced her husband. Just as quickly, she went weak, sinking onto the pew just a second or two after standing. She didn’t need a mirror to tell her that her makeup was smeared and her hair was a mess. She knew by the heat in her cheeks that her face was flushed; her eyes were probably red from crying.

Kellen’s alarmed expression confirmed every one of her suspicions. “Juliet, are you OK? Please talk to me. This is driving me crazy. What’s happened to you, love?”

Love
. The use of that endearment caused her stomach to churn. Anger rose and obliterated everything else. “Don’t.”

Kellen’s confusion intensified.

“I mean it, Kellen. Do
not
call me that again. Not
ever
again!” She bit off the words; their bitter taste filled her mouth.

He reared back. Although he hesitated for a moment, he eased into the pew next to her. A mask of sorts, protective and inscrutable, now shaded his eyes.

He didn’t speak. He waited on her, keeping to his corner of the pew. Juliet simmered and seethed. Just as quickly, though, the anger fled, washed away by a wave of sadness that stretched clear through to every cell in her body.

“This moment is killing me, Kellen, on so many levels. I’ve dreamed about it since the day we married, imagining it to be bursting with joy and anticipation. Instead, it’s breaking my heart.”

“What moment? What happened?” Generally fearless and confident, Kellen regarded her now in open trepidation. “I have no idea what to do to hel—”

“I’ll never have another chance to say this to you for the first time,” Juliet interjected, “or share this moment with you the way I had always envisioned. I’m pregnant, Kellen. I’m pregnant.”

A mix of emotions swept across his face. Disbelief came first, erased quickly by joy, then the most crushing visual of all: his love, intimate and rich. It had once made her feel so precious. Despite her vocal firestorm, his reaction was everything she had prayed for. This moment should have made her heart soar. Instead, she was shattered.

“You seem shocked.” The words came out sounding waspish. Juliet hated that fact, but couldn’t escape the rage and heartbreak. The venom inside her needed release.

“I’m very happily shocked.” His response came fast, but sincere. “We’ve wanted this for so long, I’m thrilled—no wonder you’ve been feeling—”

“I’m sure you’ll remember the night it happened.” Juliet cut him off once more. “It was spontaneous and heated and wonderful. Remember? There were no thoughts of anything else but each other. Or so I had believed. But if you do the math, you’ll realize we conceived the night you met Chloe Havermill.” She sneered at him. “After all, it’s not like there’s been a ton of times that we’ve made love since then.”

He went pale. Juliet wanted to slap him across the face so hard that he’d be left marked by the strike of her hand. Why had he done it? Why hadn’t he woken from whatever delusion clouded his mind? In the end, she restrained herself. Of course, she couldn’t lash out. They were in church, after all. God’s house. A sanctuary for everyone.

Even Kellen. Even her.

“Oh—God—”

Kellen had obviously connected the dots. The exclamation that crossed his lips wasn’t a curse; it was a plea. Juliet recognized the difference yet fought to maintain enough control to remain seated next to him. “Ironic, isn’t it, that I’d get pregnant the night you came home from Iridescence—and
her
. I gave myself to you freely, Kellen. Like I always have. At the time, I had no idea the man I love—the man I’ve loved with all my heart—had most likely been riled up by dancing sensual circles around another woman.”

Kellen gasped.

Juliet plowed ahead. “Yes, I received a rather rude shock at the AT anniversary party. A couple of ladies who were probably too tipsy for their own good discussed a kiss you shared with Chloe at the studio recently. Imagine how I felt, Kellen. Just
imagine
it!”

A vein at his temple began to throb. Strain tightened his mouth and furrowed brows deepened the subtle lines around his eyes. Oh, she was hitting the mark with all kinds of poisoned darts. It felt good. And positively horrifying. Wrong. Still, she couldn’t stop.

“Juliet, listen to me. That’s exactly why I’m here.”

His desperation reached the entryway of her spirit, but she slammed the door closed. “What are you getting at?”

“I came here to pray before talking to you. About all of this. I—”

“It’s Monday morning, Kellen. Don’t you have an appointment with her?” She didn’t care how rude her interruptions were, and she laid mean emphasis on the word appointment.

Kellen’s eyes lit, snapping with the dawn of anger. “I’ve already seen Chloe, and I asked for that meeting with just one purpose in mind--resigning as her agent. Go ahead and confirm it with Weiss if it’ll help you to believe me.”

“I’d rather eat sawdust.” Juliet spat the words, unmindful of his emphatic tone. She wanted to scream at the top of her lungs. This nightmare was going to ruin her, and the relationship she most cherished. She could feel her world deteriorating.

“I’m not working with her anymore, Juliet. I don’t want to be anywhere near her. I want to ask you for—”

“Gossip, Kellen. Sordid
gossip.
That’s what you and I have been reduced to. That’s what our
marriage
has been reduced to. I feel so much anger, and shame—at you, and at myself—that I can’t even
begin
to think straight. You’re looking at this pregnancy as a beginning. It’s not. To me, it marks the end. And I honestly don’t know how to handle that fact. I’m sick to the depths of my soul. That’s
my
truth—no matter what yours and Chloe’s might happen to be.”

“Juliet.” Kellen sucked in a breath and looked away. When his gaze tagged hers again, an ocean of sorrow bathed his deep brown eyes. “There is no me and Chloe!”

“Yes there is, Kellen, and I can’t even begin to figure out how to deal with it.” His pained expression rolled off the armor she had erected. “Were we that bad off? I knew we needed to refocus, and spend more time together, but I had no idea I hadn’t fulfilled your life. I had no idea you had fallen out of love with me.”

Kellen let out an exclamation. He nearly reached out to her but seemed to think the better of it. Good thing. Her reaction to being touched by him right now would be explosive. “I came here to pray, and to find a way to ask you—to beg you—to please—please forgive me. Forgive me, Juliet.” For a few beats of silence, those words echoed. “I haven’t fallen out of love with you whatsoever.” A silence ensued that was hot and thick. “Believe me when I say that.”

Love, Juliet discovered, possessed the sharpest of stings—stings of pain that came with no type of antidote. “I can’t. I can’t, and I won’t, believe anything you say to me right now. You’ve been caught. That’s all your remorse is about. And, not to be cliché and all, but your actions speak much louder than your words.”

Juliet broke down all over again. She cried, but she was doing this. More miraculous, she was
surviving
this. She was actually discussing Kellen—her beloved—in the context of a relationship with another woman. At the same time, she felt God’s arms propping her up and heard His sure, steady words:

Rest in My peace, Juliet. Go still and listen.

She couldn’t. She beat back that piece of instruction with swinging fists, because she was nowhere near ready to rest or listen to Kellen’s platitudes about seeking forgiveness. Right now, she needed action, and she needed him to hurt.

“I’ve been sitting here asking myself why God would bring a child into a situation like ours.” Water swam in crooked circuits down the stained glass windows, bringing images of angels and disciples to eerie, distorted life. “Why would He do that?”

Visually he succumbed to the same kind of all-over shock that had enveloped her world for the past two days. The pain in his eyes transformed into a glaze of paralysis that Juliet figured was her due compensation for the betrayal he had inflicted.

“Over the past few months, ever since you started working with Chloe, our relationship nose-dived. We’ve drifted and existed. I know that, and I admit I was too complacent to make changes. Still, you let her
in
! You found your way to a woman who is…is…”

She nearly gagged on the words. Rain drummed down on the roof of the church in a steady cadence, like a heartbeat. A baby’s heartbeat. She gave up trying to vocalize Chloe’s attributes. Nonetheless, delineation took place in her mind via words that swirled into place and fed her destroyed sense of self—words like vibrant, gorgeous, enamored, and naturally, after all he had done for her, Chloe was swept away by Kellen.

Worse by far, however, Chloe fed a need in Kellen’s heart that Juliet obviously couldn’t. She slumped against the cool, unyielding wood of the pew. She closed her eyes and residual dampness caused her lashes to stick together. Dizziness nearly overtook her, and she wished she could fade to unconsciousness. Anything would be better than this onrush of hopelessness.

“I need to move out.” The words escaped before she fully considered the idea, but the course of action turned into an escape route that grew appealing wings and lifted her to a place where she just might find a way to survive. “I’ll stay with Marlene or something—somewhere—somewhere away from all of this.”

Words faded at the end, just like her strength, her courage, and her resolve. She loved Kellen completely and exclusively. How could she move past that fact and create a new life without him? The idea shredded her apart inside, but she’d find a way. She had no choice now.

Juliet turned her head and looked at him tiredly. This was her best friend, her lover and now, a complete stranger. A lump lodged tight at the back of her throat.

“We can’t work on our relationship if we’re not together, Juliet.”

“That’s something you might have considered before finding your way into the arms of another woman. Apparently, we haven’t worked at our relationship while we were under the same roof. What’s the difference if I move out?”

He flinched.

Immune to the reaction, she ignored it. “Frankly, I don’t know if we’re worth it, Kellen. Not anymore. What you’ve done speaks loud and clear about what you feel for me now.” She couldn’t stand any more of this. Juliet hiked her purse strap onto her shoulder, preparing to leave with as much dignity as she could muster.