Devotion (22 page)

She closed her eyes. Her chest lifted and fell in a telling display of emotion and a dribble of moisture squeezed free from the corner of her eye, moving down her cheek. It cost him everything he had, but he stepped slowly away. The choice to come forward now had to be hers and hers alone.

“I guess I’ll see you at home.” Her whispered words were shaky. Affected.

He gave her shoulder a last squeeze, all but willing her to hang on. To show some spark. To fight for the years they had invested in one another and the relationship they had been given by nothing less than God’s plan—and blessing.

After paying the lunch tab, Kellen walked the few short blocks to his office building at a brisk clip, thinking and praying.
I’m following through on Your promptings as best I can, but I can only take this journey to the halfway point. Juliet has to come to terms as well. She has to let me know what she wants…and if she still feels I’m worth trusting—and loving—again.

19

Following his most recent counseling sessions with Pastor Gene, Kellen realized the first steps he needed to take toward salvaging his marriage couldn’t be toward Juliet. They needed to be toward God.

So, the first weekend after Juliet’s homecoming he made plans to accompany her to Trinity. He didn’t ask if he could. He didn’t make a big production out of it. Simply, at nine-thirty on that Sunday morning, he made sure he was downstairs in the kitchen, ready and waiting to leave.

During her time with Marlene and Peter, Juliet had attended services, and so had Kellen. They sat together, but arrived and departed separately. That separation hurt, but he expected nothing more, so he didn’t question her or add pressure to the situation.

Today would be a litmus test of sorts as to whether she would even attempt solidarity now that they were living under the same roof.

Seated at the dinette table, he sipped coffee and looked up expectantly when Juliet crossed the threshold. She wore a simple black skirt and white blouse combination that, in its simplicity, looked absolutely beautiful on her. Her abdomen was growing rounder. Her hair danced loose around her shoulders. Walking into the kitchen, she tucked an offering envelope into her purse and snapped it shut.

That’s when she registered Kellen’s presence and intent.

Her mouth opened slightly, and her eyes went wide. The click of her heels came to an abrupt stop against the ceramic tile, and she glanced briefly into his eyes before nervously fidgeting a slice of hair into place behind her shoulder. She paused at a counter by the sink, eying the coffee pot, which still flavored the air.

“Do you mind if I take you to church?” he asked.

She kept to her own space and opened the dishwasher. While he watched, she placed a few stray glasses inside as well as a plate and some cutlery. She kept her head down. “No, I suppose not.”

She reached into a glass front cabinet above the sink and pulled down a mug. She poured herself a cup of coffee and steam curled upward from the surface. She blew at the wisps, inhaling deep of the hearty French Roast Kellen had set to brew.

“Thanks for this,” she said quietly.

“No problem.”

She shrugged and took a sip. “Seriously. You’ve always done lots of little things that mean a lot to me. I never really gave you much credit, did I? Or let you know how much I appreciate them.”

Gratitude mixed with hope in a combination that was nearly his undoing. Kellen cleared his throat. “Are you in the mood for me to make us brunch after church?”

It had always been somewhat of a tradition for them to indulge in a leisurely meal after services. Typically, bacon, eggs and toast would be consumed in the restful atmosphere of their home before diving in to whatever Sunday activities awaited—family dinners maybe, or perhaps nothing more than sitting together on their patio with an extra cup of coffee at their elbows and a sun kissed, leisurely afternoon stretching ahead. Those were his favorite—the restful hours they spent talking, or just listening to the birds and the wind song that slipped through thick, heavy tree branches.

“That’d be nice.”

Kellen joined her at the dishwasher. Stepping from behind, he placed his used mug inside and leaned close—for just an instant. “Two eggs, scrambled, crispy bacon?”

At his recitation of her favorite combination, she stilled. Though she avoided his eyes, Kellen felt her resistance—and her longing.

“I’d like that a lot.”

****

“The point of today’s Gospel reading is this: we must decrease, that Christ might increase. The words of John the Baptist from today’s Gospel reading embody the resolve that goes behind that statement. Crowds gathered around John. Followers proclaimed John’s greatness. Yet it was the Great Evangelizer who said, ‘He who comes after me is The One. I’m not worthy to loosen His sandal straps.’ Do you see? John decreased that Christ might increase.” Pastor Gene paused there, looking over the assemblage. Kellen forgot about everything else—even Juliet—and lost himself in God’s message. “But how does this apply to us? How does that statement apply in the here and now?”

Pastor Gene shrugged and walked up the main aisle of the church, seeming to look into the eyes and faces of as many parishioners as possible. “Allow me to illustrate. The other day, I stood in line at a food court in the mall. That’s always a fun exercise, you know…”

Laughter rippled, Kellen’s included.

“Well, while I waited for my order, I happened to overhear a conversation that took place at a nearby table. Two elderly people, obviously a husband and wife, sat across from each other, sharing some Chinese food.”

Smiles and a gentle flow of murmurs circuited the congregation.

“What struck me about that ordinary scene were the words I heard. The woman spoke first, talking about how frustrated she was about something and how she felt somewhat worthless, and degraded by the present circumstances in her life.”

Service attendees quieted and Kellen noticed the way they now listened intently.

Pastor Gene continued. “I don’t know specific details. I only know her sorrow. I waited in line for my orange chicken, and I watched her husband reach across the tabletop to take her hands in his. He looked her deep in the eyes and said, ‘You’re a remarkable woman. You offer so much to everyone we love. You’re selfless and loving and kind.’ At that point, I watched the woman’s eyes fill with tears, and she shook her head, saying, ‘How do you know all of this?’ His answer? ‘
Because I know you; because I love you
.’”

Kellen noticed the way Juliet pressed her lips tightly together. She swallowed and looked down, avoiding his focus. Kellen didn’t blame her for being moved. The beauty of the scenario worked through the congregation like a force field.

“Brothers and sisters, he lifted her up. He sensed her heartache and he affirmed her. He decreased that she might increase.” Pastor Gene paused there, taking a long, silent survey of those in his church. “What better, more powerful reflection of Christian love, and commitment, could there be? Remember, folks, live not by word, but by deed. Live not in thoughts and wishes, but in
actions
—actions that are resolute, committed, and in keeping with the love of Christ.”

The sermon concluded, and Kellen stared ahead. His world came to a standstill as the sermon spelled out a clear-cut course of action—a battle plan by which to win back the heart, love, and trust of Juliet. He clung to one objective alone, earning her back by uplifting her. No matter the difficulties ahead, he needed to treat her like a precious treasure.

If it wasn’t too late.

****

After church, Kellen prodded Juliet up the stairs of their home, requesting she change into more comfortable, casual clothing while he cooked.

“It’s gorgeous outside,” he observed further. “We can eat on the patio, if you’d like.”

The idea enticed Juliet. She nodded her agreement before trotting up to their…she performed an automatic correction…
her
…bedroom. Refusing to fall into despair, she peeled out of her heels and nylons. She replaced her skirt and blouse with a loose fitting sleeveless shirt that floated generously over a pair of slip on Capri’s. When she positioned the waistband, she registered its snug fit and draped the hemline of her shirt over the top. She really needed to do some shopping and start investing in some maternity fashions. The idea left her to smile as she wound her hair into a loose bun and clipped it into place with a claw clasp. After donning a pair of sandals, she rejoined Kellen.

The brunch he prepared was delicious.

They didn’t say much while they ate. Instead, they indulged in simplicity. They savored the way a late Sunday morning warmed into early afternoon, and that was more than enough.

The section of the patio where they sat featured a glass and wicker table with matching chairs and an overhang that provided coolness and shade. Chaise lounge chairs rested atop rust-brick pavers, and Juliet drank in the serenity of the moment. She sank deep into the large, comfortably cushioned seat and closed her eyes with a sigh as summer breezes danced against her cheeks.

Her hand was draped against the armrest of the chair where she sat. When she felt the warm brush and squeeze of Kellen taking slow possession, she didn’t open her eyes but she went tense.

Part of her wanted to refute him. Boyishly charming and sweet…authentic…his efforts today felt as though he were attempting to court her all over again.

She didn’t want that. She wanted anger. She wanted recrimination. Most of all, she wanted him to feel the same kind of desolated pain that she battled every single day since…

She who is without sin, My daughter. She who is without sin. Unburden to the one I gave you. He waits for you, My precious child.

“Tell me what you’re thinking, Juliet.” Kellen never called her
love
anymore. She missed the endearment very much. Granted, she had told him unequivocally to never do so again…but still, she missed the tenderness and automatic affection behind that treasured nickname.

“I’d rather not. It’s so beautiful just to rest with you right now and…”

His hold on her hand increased. “Please. It’ll be OK.”

She didn’t reply. The sharp, distinctive chip of a nearby cardinal, nesting in one of their trees, weakened her resolve to be standoffish.

They mate for life, right?

“I…” she choked. A sob shook through her, but she stifled the reaction as best she could because Kellen maintained steady hold of her hand. “I feel like such a failure. I feel like something…or someone…who’s cheap and easily replaced. I wanted to be the one for you. To be your wife was a gift to me. Something I revered. I vowed to be the woman who would share your life, and know everything about you—all the best and all the worst. You vowed that to me, too, but you came upon someone else.” She couldn’t speak Chloe’s name. Juliet couldn’t give the woman that kind of power. “You let someone else have the key to your heart. A key I believed belonged to me alone. Why wasn’t that enough? What did I do wrong? Why wasn’t
I
enough?”

Kellen shook his head. He pressed a fingertip against her lips, the gesture willing her to silence. His fingertip trembled.

“Juliet, no. Please don’t take on that burden. It’s not right, and it’s most definitely not fair to you.”

She turned her head so his touch no longer interfered. “Don’t say that. It takes two, Kellen. I know that. It takes two to make a marriage, and it takes two to break a marriage.”

“I’m keenly aware. What’s more? I’m
afraid
.”

Kellen’s quiet admission inspired her to look his way—albeit with trepidation. “Kellen Rossiter isn’t afraid of anything.”

“Yes, I am.” His look didn’t waver. “I’m afraid I’ve lost you forever. I’m afraid no matter what I do, I’ll never get you back—or
us
back. Not completely. I’m afraid I’ll never find a way to make you look at me the way you used to. Most of all I’m afraid no matter what I do I’ll never earn back the automatic way you used to believe in me, and trust me.”

He had a point. Juliet didn’t bother trying to deny it. She propped her elbows against the tabletop and watched him—working to remain steady and unaffected by his sincerity and regret.

Kellen’s posture remained strained, but he kept on going. “I made a huge mistake, and I ruined something beautiful. Something I prized. Something vitally important. How can I make amends? How can I reaffirm everything I feel for you? Is there a way, Juliet? If there is, name it, and it’s done. You may not believe that right now, but it’s true. I want your forgiveness so badly I can taste it.” He paused very deliberately. “The words I wrote to you in that letter weren’t meant to placate or gloss over what I’ve done. They were an outpouring from my heart. I don’t know how many more ways I can try.”

The words opened a doorway. The note. She had never broached the topic beyond a simple though heartfelt thank you. Kellen deserved credit for crafting such a beautiful piece. Juliet wanted to give him that, but a wounded heart still bled, making the process difficult.

“The letter.” She stopped there, her throat too constricted to continue. She breathed out through pursed lips. She steeled herself and tried again. “The letter was beautiful, Kellen. That’s probably another thing I should have acknowledged to you. The note you wrote to me is a large part of the reason why I can attempt to move back here, and try to let you back into...into…my heart again.” He settled back and watched her. “But it’s like I told you before, I can’t just step past what’s happened and run to you. I can’t.” She hauled in a ragged breath, wishing the battle to reclaim her marriage weren’t so difficult and complex. A Godly, picture-perfect life, had disintegrated without her even realizing it. “We need to give this time. We’re trying.”

The love in his eyes, the silence he kept as he waited, touched Juliet deeply. She saw into his spirit, and the intimacy of doing so ripped away her attempt to maintain cool control. She couldn’t keep her lips from faltering and betraying the depth of her emotion.