Devotion (9 page)

“Don’t lose faith, Chloe. I’ve always held to the belief that everyone has a second half, a person created just for them, by God. You’ll find your way to that person.”

The words were meant to reassure and deflect her obvious interest in him. Kellen set his utensils aside and wiped his mouth on a linen napkin that he resettled across his lap.

Chloe ate a bite of salad while she studied him intently. “Do you really believe that?”

“Yes, I do.”

She seemed subdued. “You really believe God works that closely in our lives? That personally?”

“With all that I am.” He looked at her squarely now, reinforced by the belief system he had held onto his entire life. For both their sakes, he wanted to make that point clear.

“I envy you that level of conviction. I suppose I believe in a supreme being—in a creator of the universe and all that, but to me, that entity feels remote. Inaccessible. I don’t see God, or whatever, as being that deeply involved.” She chuckled. “After all, I’m sure He’s far too busy to trouble Himself over my simple comings and goings. You might say my beliefs are more spiritual than God-centered.”

Oh, Chloe,
Kellen thought,
you’re searching, but you’re misguided…and being with you is a wonderful opportunity to evangelize—something I’m normally able to do without even thinking about it. Instead, when I’m near you, I wander into a place that offers an intoxicating thrill but scares me to death because it stems from a spot in my spirit that’s not aligned to God, and what I know to be true.

While his thoughts roiled, Chloe smoothed a subtle wrinkle in the tablecloth. Kellen rested a hand on top of hers to still the nervous gesture. “Then take a closer look at the life around you, Chloe. Find what God is showing you in the life you live and the gifts He’s given you. You’ll discover a whole different world. A better world. Believe me. The reason you feel remote is because you haven’t found Him yet, that’s all. He’s as close as your next heartbeat, but you have to want Him there first. He doesn’t enter where He’s not invited.”

When the waiter approached to check on their satisfaction with the meal, Kellen noticed the way Chloe watched him, the curiosity and attentiveness, the attraction she tried to mask. Despite his convictions, he was in danger here, and he knew it, because in her eyes he detected a new and even more powerful level of emotion.

Chloe looked at him as though he were the one who held the answers she sought, but Kellen knew better. Right now, he was nobody’s role model, and he recognized unequivocally that only God had the answers Chloe needed to find.

“You make a very compelling statement for your faith.”

Kellen directed his gaze to the water goblet he retrieved. He took a long gulp to compose himself and to quench the intimacy of her focus.

With a fork, she picked at the remains of her meal. He saw the motions for what they were—distraction. He pulled the napkin from his lap, setting it on the table. He leaned toward her, tilting his head until he earned her attention and she looked up. He sank into her eyes with no effort whatsoever.

“What’s wrong, Chloe?”

She took a breath and looked away. The fall of her hair obscured his view of her face, but she tucked it over her shoulder. “I’m sorry for seeming so awestruck. That’s not the vibe I want to give you. Really. But you’re a pretty knock-em-out type of person.”

Once again, she worked through him like a potion he couldn’t resist. He knew she was vulnerable to him. He longed to deepen the intimacy of the moment. He wanted to take hold of her hand, draw her closer—and closer still…

Kellen. No. Do not regard a woman lustfully, lest you commit adultery in your heart…

God’s irrefutable and powerful voice prompted him to keep in place, but doing so was tantamount to torture. God’s presence was firm, though. A glimmer of sunlight beamed through the nearby window, shimmering against the metal of his wedding band. In response, trying hard to rebuke his desires, Kellen closed his hand into a fist, deliberately protecting the symbol of his commitment to Juliet.

Yet, here he sat, confused and transfixed by a compelling woman.

A short time later, lunch concluded and a leather folio rested on the table that contained their settled bill. They stood and Kellen moved into place from behind, promptly taking custody of her coat. Holding it open, he waited, absorbing a glance and a beat of affected silence from Chloe before she tucked her arms inside and adjusted the fit. When she began to reach up, intending to lift her hair free of the collar, Kellen took the initiative.

Something inside him, something heretofore inaccessible, wavered mightily when straight strands of black satin slipped through his fingers. The scent of her drifted to him, full of a subtle and provocative spice.

Chloe took a long look back at him over her shoulder, and Kellen moved away but kept a guiding hand against the small of her back when they exited the restaurant.

Desires and appetites not in keeping with My truth will wreak destruction in your life, Kellen.

Kellen steeled himself, jarred again by God’s prodding voice and his own knowledge of right versus wrong. At that precise moment, Chloe happened to tilt her head in his direction, capturing his gaze. She smiled into his eyes in a way that was so bright and so ripe with meaning and admiration it electrified his senses. In that instant, Chloe reached a spot of his heart that he had closed in a willing resolution to any other woman but his wife.

9

Kellen needed to straighten up.

As he had said to Pastor Gene at the Rushton benefit, it had been way too long since he attended services at Trinity. That was a fact he could easily address. When he took enough time to examine his jumbled feelings, he knew he needed to find respite, and peace, for his mind. God alone would give that to him, and today presented a great starting point. A return to worship, then a Sunday afternoon spent with Juliet and her family at her parents’ house would work against Chloe’s siren call.

In the bathroom Sunday morning, Kellen double-checked his appearance in the mirror while Juliet moved fast through the entryway. She breezed by and opened a cabinet drawer. There, she hunted and pecked for makeup supplies. A second or two later, her eyes tagged his in the mirror.

Kellen answered the unspoken question. “I thought I’d go to church with you.”

“Really?”

The smile that burst across Juliet’s face forced Kellen to realize how much this meant to her.

“I know it’s been a while. I’ve slid into bad habits. With my Saturday nights taken up by events, and talent scouting, it’s been easy to ignore the church schedule so I could sleep in, or enjoy a day without any obligation except rest. That’s wrong. I told Pastor Gene I wanted to make a change, and I mean it.”

“It’s not really a day of rest when it doesn’t encompass God.” Juliet’s quiet remark cut into his thoughts. They lacked any form of condemnation, but her point hit home all the same.

“You’re right, love.”

Kellen knew what was what. He knew he needed to absolve his moral weakness—a weakness that intensified each time he found himself in Chloe’s company. That’s what drove him to church today. Juliet’s delighted reaction was an added bonus.

“I’m glad you’ll be there.” Juliet gave him a lingering hug, a quick, sweet kiss. Kellen’s heart twisted. He felt trapped. Trapped and divided. Today would help him change. He felt sure of it.

****

Kellen’s simmering disquiet held no power at all against the contentment that swept through him when he walked through the doors of Trinity. Walking into church felt like coming home—a welcome oasis of peace that threw a blanket of comfort over a world of turmoil.

The weekend’s scripture readings focused on Jesus’s time in the desert—Christ’s physical and spiritual hunger following a forty-day fast in the desert.

“Naturally,” Pastor Gene exclaimed to the congregation, “that’s when the devil steps in, and a face-off occurs.” He walked the main aisle of the church, pulling a thick piece of string from the pocket of his slacks. “Temptation is insidious, isn’t it?”

Kellen shifted uncomfortably. Pastor Gene fingered the string. “Seldom does temptation just step up and smack you over the head all at once and pull you under. That’s too obvious. Too easily rebuked.”

Kellen’s body heat pulsed upward…and upward again. Contentment funneled away.

“More often than not,” the pastor continued, “it hits you at your weakest points. It starts small, and it builds.” He tied a few simple, loose knots in the string. Shrugging, he loosened the knots and brought the string back to its proper smooth line. “If you work at it, temptation can be overcome. Never avoided, mind you, but overcome. Unless you step away, or become neglectful.”

While he spoke, Pastor Gene once again fashioned a series of knots. “We kid ourselves into believing one slip up won’t matter. Even two or three can be managed.” He pulled more knots into place, in rapid-fire motions, with harder, tighter pulls this time. “We’ll be OK. Everybody does it. It’s the norm. Why should I be different from everybody else? Sin won’t get the better of me—giving in won’t matter. Not really. I can beat it.”

At the end of his litany of excuses for sin, he lifted a messy ball of tight twists and kinks. Kellen nearly gasped, thoroughly convicted. “Brothers and sisters, let me warn you. If you hold to that belief, you’ll end up just like this. Life will become a complicated flurry of half-truths, evasions and sadness. It will lead you away from the joy and peace Christ longs for, for all of us.”

Thankfully, Juliet remained riveted by the sermon, unmindful of his reaction. Kellen wanted to lurch from his seat and run away. He wished, desperately, that he could charge fast down the aisle of the church and leave behind this glaring condemnation of his recent behavior.

“But let me warn you about something else, friends. Don’t issue too harsh a judgment.” Pastor Gene’s declaration resounded through the church. “Sometimes experiencing the harrowing results of deepest sin will drive us back to God in ways so powerful it’s nothing short of a miracle. That’s why Christ also lived a life of forgiveness and welcome to those who live in true and authentic repentance.” He lifted the twisted, contorted ball of string again. “Sometimes it’s the miracle, and sometimes temptation barricades us in forever. The choice? It’s ours. It was Christ’s, when the devil showed Him everything, and offered Him everything. What Christ knew—knew with the surety of being God’s own Son—is that He already
had
everything. All the love, all the glory, all the kingdoms of the world; all imaginable peace and joy were within His grasp already. These all came from His Father—and from embracing the mission Jesus completed to build a bridge between a fallen humanity and Heaven’s gate.”

Shame covered Kellen. He removed his arm from its usual comfortable perch against the back of the pew, where it could skim along Juliet’s shoulders and connect the two of them. The gesture, now, felt too intimate. He was unworthy of her.

Sinful thoughts, an errant heart, left him unable to reach out to Juliet and draw upon the strength of their marriage and commitment to one another. Kellen couldn’t avoid the wedge that was being shoved between them. He fidgeted once again. Juliet turned her head, looking at him with curiosity.

He couldn’t even find a way to fake a reassuring smile, so he looked down, unable to focus on the service and the holy, usually calming peace of being in God’s sanctuary. He twitched his wrist so he could discreetly check his watch. Another fifteen or twenty minutes and he could escape.

Worship entered into a segment of musical reflection. While the congregation stood to sing praise to God, Kellen could hardly focus on the song or the words that scrolled past on the projector screens above the wide altar. Conversely, Juliet seemed to tune in completely, swaying a bit to the strains of a Nicole Mullins song. Kellen watched as she followed the words, and seemed to take in the lovely pictures that accompanied.

Could he hide? No. Not much longer. Kellen fought to smoothly maintain the spot next to his bride. A heart-threatening, painful crossroads stretched before him, and it was going to be the most difficult pathway he’d ever traveled in his life.

****

“So, when are we going to hear the pitter-patter, guys? C’mon! The whole family is looking forward to expanding! Kellen, you gotta get with the program, man.”

Kellen’s blood pressure rose. He tried to ignore his brother-in-law Peter, tactfully deferring a glare and an exasperated groan, but he couldn’t help thinking
so much for a day of rest.

When he glanced at Juliet, she gave him an understanding look and mouthed
sorry
.

Kellen’s return smile was weak, but it came from a spot of sincerity. None of this teasing and needling was her fault, after all. He passed by, giving her arm a squeeze on his way to the living room where he could tune in to whatever sports event was playing on TV. He’d take anything but this. As he left the kitchen, his phone buzzed softly, and then vibrated against his belt.

Between the main rooms, the hallway was empty. He braced against the wall and puffed a heavy breath as he extracted his phone and checked caller ID. He had received a text from Chloe. That surprised him—they really had nothing to discuss until they met at Summit Pointe Records—but there was no mistaking the pleasure he felt hearing from her.

He glanced around quickly, ensuring privacy before he entered into his messages and read “
Sry 2 bug u on a Sunday but the excitement can’t b contained! Wish it were Monday already. Can’t wait 2 c u…we’ll take this opportunity by storm! C”

Suddenly, he could all but feel her around him, and he didn’t object to her Sunday intrusion whatsoever. Rather, it enticed him away from all the negativity that kept searing him and took him to a place that was beautiful, and exciting.

Given his present mood and circumstances, Kellen couldn’t wait for Monday either. He clicked the reply toggle and began to work the keyboard. “
You bet we will. LOLing @ ur enthusiasm. Love it - keep it coming. I’ll call u later 2 review some thoughts.”
He typed “
Miss u”
but seeing the words glowing back at him on the screen caused his pulse rate to hitch. Had he really just entered that? In a hurry, he struck the delete key until the last two words were erased.