Delete This at Your Peril (16 page)

Subject: From Sasha

Bob,

How are you? Olga asked about you. As for the passports, yes we have them. Olga asked if you send air fare for her to come and visit. Otherwise I do not know how much I can do to stop her going on vacation with this English client. Why do you ask about passports? Can you send even $50 to open your account?

Sasha.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Olga

Subject: OK, here is my plan

Sasha,

This is going to knock your socks off. I want you AND Olga to come to Scotland. I really, really like you Sasha and I think the three of us make a good team. Once you're both here, this is what we're going to do. We are going to form a business called

BIG BOBBY BOY AND THE JAMAICA LAKERS.

There's two main reasons for this Sasha. The first is that I can't get this English bigshot out my head. I'm not a jealous man but I don't want Olga to arrive in Broughty Ferry and have just a tiny bit of her saying, ‘“Fuck me, I wish I was in Jamaica”. So I'm going to bring Jamaica to her. Secondly, we're going to have to keep ourselves busy or we'll start to annoy each other and I know you and Olga are two people who would always want to work for a living and aren't interested in handouts.

Let me tell you about the business. There's some people in Broughty Ferry with big houses and gardens and I think a lot of them would be interested in having a small Jamaica Lake installed. What's a Jamaica Lake? I'll tell you. A Jamaica Lake Sasha, is fun. That's all, just fun.

I'm sure you and Olga will have your own views on what the lakes should look like. My initial thoughts are that we could shape them like a big thumbs up and/or have rocks that are actually speakers and played Chaka Demus and the Pliers whenever anyone comes within ten yards and says ‘Jamaica?' in a clear voice. If you didn't have that voice code in place then the music would be set off by the postie in the morning and cats and foxes at night.

My other idea was that we could make dreadlocks out of twisted up bin bags and stretch them across the water so the lake has hair like the boys in Jamaica. We would have to put a small sign up saying that this was not real hair or someone passing by might think that a Rasta was drowning and dive into the lake. The lakes would only be about a foot deep so any rescue attempt could lead to paralysis.

What do you think? This is how I see BIG BOBBY AND THE JAMAICA LAKERS breaking down -

BOB SERVANT - Chief Architect, Head of Sales, Accountant.

SASHA MALIKOV - Head of Digging, Chief Translator (for Olga and any Russian clients)

OLGA GOLDOVSKY - Head of Foliage, Sandwich Maker

Sasha, I think we would be a big success. I know I'm asking a lot. You've worked like a soldier to build up Lotos from scratch but I think this could be an opportunity for you to get away from the madness of the Lotos office and the Russian Ratrace and work in the open air.

What do you say?

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From: Olga

To: Bob Servant

Subject: From Sasha

Bob,

Olga and I have considered this and decided that yes we will both come to your country and work in this new area. The airfare for Olga is $1400. I will pay my own air fare but to close my business here is a fine of $2000. This is $3400 that it is fair enough for you to pay. Can you send by Western union? Can you send today and then Olga and I can plan our trip.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Olga

Subject: Ticket

Sasha,

Great news. I'll book Olga's flight directly, that would be easiest. What's her passport number?

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From: Olga

To: Bob Servant

Subject: From Sasha

Bob,

If you send me the money then we will book Olga's flight here. This is what she would rather do. Can you send the $3400 today by Western Union?

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From: Bob Servant

To: Olga

Subject: Ticket

What difference does it make if I just book it?

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From: Olga

To: Bob Servant

Subject: From Sasha

Bob,

Olga says she would rather book it from here. She is a proud woman like you know and would want to book it herself. I am also proud Russian man and so I must pay this fine to my partners for leaving Lotos. Are you sending the money today?

Sasha

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From: Bob Servant

To: Olga

Subject: My mistake

Sasha,

Of course. I forgot how proud you both are. You have demonstrated that to me in many ways, particularly by agreeing to fly to Scotland to join a new company making Jamaica lakes. Sasha, one thing I forgot to say. When
the two of you come here, then Olga will obviously stay in the house with me but I think it would be awkward with you around as well.

Would you mind, and I know this sounds a bit daft, living in a dustbin? I have a spare dustbin that I haven't used for years. It's quite big and relatively comfortable, as dustbins go. You can still use the kitchen and the bathroom in the house but after we have our dinner and all watch a bit of telly it would be a case of Olga and I going to bed and you going outside and getting into the dustbin. Is that OK with you?

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From: Olga

To: Bob Servant

Subject: From Sasha

Bob,

I am OK whatever the arrangement. It is cold here in Russia so living outside will not be a problem. Bob, please, you must send the money immediately. Olga is now thinking that maybe you are not serious. I know you are but it is hard to keep her OK. Send the money today, you understand? $3400.

Sasha

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From: Bob Servant

To: Olga

Subject: Last Request

One last thing. As you know, I am not in possession of a you-know-what and I really miss the old boy. I miss the stuff with skirt but also something else. One of the great pleasures of my life, Sasha, was standing above the toilet, holding Bobby Junior and unleashing for as long as I possibly could. I always tried to keep the flow as slow as possible. I never pushed myself, I let things happen naturally and kept an eye on my watch to see how I was doing. On a blackboard beside the toilet I had BOBBY JUNIOR'S TOP TEN where I kept my longest times.

In 1996, after hosting a cider war between myself, Tommy Peanuts and Frank Theplank I stopped myself going to the toilet until I couldn't walk standing up. When I finally went, Sasha, I hit one minute, eight seconds.

Now, that time will never be beaten but you've got no idea how many nights I wish I could have another crack at it. Going to the toilet these days, as you can imagine, is no fun and that's where you come in.

I was thinking Sasha, and of course you'd have to be comfortable with this, that I could come with you to the toilet. You would stand at the toilet and I would hold your old boy as you went. This would not in any way be a
saucy set-up. I would wear a glove, probably a goalie's glove to maintain a good grip and I would also look straight ahead. Other than that, you could just go as normal and we'd see how we did time wise. Obviously, I'd give you great support, saying things like –

“Easy, Sasha, easy, don't force it”.

“Give me a little bit more big guy, just a little bit more”.

And – “Waterfalls Sasha, waterfalls”.

What do you think? I wouldn't be angry if you didn't do well time wise, I'd just be glad to be back in the hunt. Look forward to hearing your thoughts,

Bob Servant

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From: Olga

To: Bob Servant

Subject: From Sasha

OK Bob,

I have thought about this and it sounds OK as well. YOU MUST SEND $3400 THROUGH WESTERN UNION. Can you do this today Bob? Olga is worried and a little angry.

Sasha

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From Bob Servant

To: Olga

Subject: I give up

(No message)

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From: Olga

To: Bob Servant

Subject: From Sasha

Bob,

What do you mean?

Sasha

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NO REPLY/THE END

 

27
. This article does indeed strongly indicate a weakening housing market in the troubled Chelyabinsk region.

28
. On 8 August 1988 Bob Servant appeared on Grampian Television's North Tonight Special Report entitled ‘Cheese Burger or Cheese Murder?' The other guests were a local councillor and a member of the Scottish Obesity Forum. The debate lasted just short of three minutes during which time Bob accused the Scottish Obesity Forum of being both Communists and ‘perverts', accused the councillor of being ‘knee deep in bungs from the kebab shops' and then angrily suggested that the show's presenter (who had yet to speak) was ‘putting words in my mouth'. Bob walked off the set, only to reappear twenty seconds later to ask who he should speak to about expenses, at which point the show was replaced without warning by an old edition of Sheepdog Trials.

29
. I can personally verify, due to the confines of the men's lavatory in Doc Ferry's bar and Bob's peculiar sense of humour, that Bob has not suffered this particular loss.

From: Dr. Mamadou Kouassi

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Opportunity

Dearest,

TRANSFER OF US$25m INTO A PERSONAL/COMPANY'S OFFSHORE ACCOUNT

We solicit your assistance. We have US$25m made from over inflated contracts in my Ministry (Federal Ministry of Education) here in Senegal. We seek your assistance to remit this amount into your account or any nominated account. Your commission will be 20% of the total sum, 10% for expenses and the remaining 70% for my colleagues and myself. Could you notify me of your acceptance to carry out this transaction along with your private Tel. And Fax number.

Yours faithfully,

Dr. Mamadou Kouassi

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From: Bob Servant

To: Dr. Mamadou Kouassi

Subject: Opportunity

I cannot help you. I simply do not trust anyone from Senegal because the name of the country is so close to seagull. I am sure you get this all the time, and I know it's not your fault, but I hope you can understand my reasons,

Bob

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From: Dr. Mamadou Kouassi

To: Bob Servant

Subject: From Dr. M Kouassi

Dear Mr Bob Servant,

I receive your mail with thanks. Has maybe a Senegal man done you wrong before and that is the reason why you do not want this? I am not blaming you. Forward the hooligans name and contact information so that i can make an entry, yes i have the power. I forward to police headquarters to trace them and catch them red-handed. Whatever you lost you are going to gain it. Concerning my offer i don't know your opinion. Do you have details for a personal/company or offshore account?

THANK YOU AND AWAITING YOUR REPLY.

Dr. Mamadou

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From: Bob Servant

To: Dr Mamadou Kouassi

Subject: You got it

Marmalade,

That's right, you've understood me perfectly. The seagull was a red herring. The man from Senegal who ripped me off called himself –

JERREN JIMJAMS

Frankly I'm not sure if that is his real name. He said he had this secret bank account with $25m, I'd get 25%, and so on. The usual bollocks you get from that lot. I paid him over $50,000 and I never heard from him again. JERREN JIMJAMS is a liar and a fraud and I hate him,

Bob

PS Sorry I don't want to do the new deal after my experiences. I also don't have an offshore bank account. Chappy Williams has a cousin that works on the oil rigs so he may have one, I'll check for you. They have a great time the rig boys, they pay fuck-all tax and spend their time fishing and sunbathing.
³⁰

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From: Dr. Mamadou Kouassi

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Dr. M. Kouassi

Dear Mr Bob Servant,

Please my friend my name is Mamadou. I thank you for the information of the money. Believe me we will locate JERREN JIMJAMS since Dakar is a small place. The only thing you will do now is to send to me his phone and fax number so the operation begins at police headquarter. You give me the bank you were using at the time. I guarantee you we recover your money. They will vomit the money by force.

Thank you and remain bless.

Dr. Mamadou Kouassi.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Dr Mamadou Kouassi

Subject: Vomit

Marmalade,

It would be great to see them vomit the money. Let me check my files for JIMJAMS phone number. He called from a mobile. There was load music playing and I could hear a woman laughing. She had a strange laugh. It kind of stopped and then started then stopped and then REALLY started and no-one else was laughing so I think she was either reading something funny in the newspaper or maybe watching You've Been Framed but only she could see the television? Also I remember JIMJAMS said he lived beside the sea and had long hair. That at least gives you something to go on in the meantime. Maybe I should speak to the police directly?