Delete This at Your Peril (15 page)

To: Bob Servant

Subject: From “Lotos”

Dear Sir,

Don't be offended but we have a lot of clients at the firm and I can't pay enough attention for your letters and my answers. Moreover Olga comes
to the firm every day and asks whether you write. If you wish to continue your correspondence you should pay our fees.

Respectfully,

Sasha Malikov,

“Lotos”.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Olga

Subject: Treat me with Respect

Sasha,

I have to say I'm a little angry with you. Of course I want to continue my communication with Olga, I have already said that I may be falling in love with the bloody woman. But first I needed to ask you some questions, Mano-a-Mano, to help me decide if she is the one.

You are acting as if you are worried I will not pay. Sasha, do I really have to remind you about Dundee's Cheese Burger Wars of 1988-89? You must remember the coverage, it was on North Tonight every day for a month. Well, remember the spokesman for the Cheese Burger Van Owners (CHEBUVAO) that was on most nights? The dashing man in the bunnet, sometimes just credited as ‘Cheese Burger Tycoon'? He said things like –

“The public want cheeseburgers and I am giving them cheeseburgers,”

“I'm making money but I'm also making happiness. And that's the important thing, as well as the money,”

and, “The council are fannies”?

Well Sasha, that was me. You might also have caught the North Tonight Special Report with that stitch-up of a debate.
²⁸
They beam North Tonight out to the boys on the rigs so it might have made it to Russia. Anyway, the end result of those years was me sitting on more cash than you would believe. Fair enough, the boo boys would say that I blew some of it. The
Topless Dentists idea cost me a small fortune, I'm man enough to admit that.

But don't forget the windowcleaning. In the early 90s I had the largest window cleaning round in Western Europe. Maybe you had something better behind the Iron Curtain, and if so I hold my hands up, but what I'm saying Sasha is give me the respect that my achievements deserve. I attach a photo of my wallet.

Bob

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From: Olga

To: Bob Servant

Subject: From “Lotos”

Dear Bob,

I didn't want to offend you I just wanted to explain my situation. I might have seen this TV programme. Of course you can share your thoughts with me. I understand your feelings that you want to take the right decision concerning Olga. So I want to let you know that you can ask me any question you want and it will stay confidential. I promise.

Sasha Malikov.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Olga

Subject: Apology Accepted

Sasha,

OK, I am just going to tell you. I BEG YOU not to tell Olga until we've worked out the best way forward. Sasha, I am a man without a sword. I have no thingy. It all happened two years ago. I'd been up all night, drinking in the garden (it was the summer) and trying to build a tree house with my old rabbit hutch. Frank Theplank was there for a bit but I told him to leave because all he brought to the party was two cans of Kestrel and a Curly Wurly.

Come morning I was fairly gone, shouting army stuff and running round the place dressed only in my vest. I made an assault course using my Superman duvet (tunnelling net), Christmas tree lights (limbo challenge), all my forks (pit made by Cannibals that I had to jump over) and tennis balls - I would throw them at the wall and had to dodge them when they bounced off. I called that Alien Attack but it wasn't really that good.

I decided that the front gate should be the winning post for the assault course and after a few attempts was sitting at 2 minutes and 5 seconds as my record. I decided that I could take things up a gear. Sasha, the number of times that I wish that I had not made that decision - that my stupid pride had let me sit tight at 2 minutes, 5 seconds. No-one was going to beat that.

But I went for it. I flew under that duvet like a man possessed, nearly broke my bloody spine on the limbo, cleared the Cannibal's forks by a yard and the Aliens didn't even get close with their laser tennis balls. Then I set off for the front gate. I felt like I was in Chariots of Fire with the wind running through my hair and over my innocently exposed genitals.

I got through the gate with my arms raised skywards but as I did so I stumbled on the step. As I fell that I saw the paperboy speeding along the pavement on his bike. He swerved as I fell sideways into him and I'll never forget our eyes locking just for a moment as my old boy - poor little Bobby Junior, swung into his rotating spokes.

The pain, Sasha, was like nothing I could describe. A milkman told me a few months later they had heard my scream from the Forthill Dairy, half a mile away. But what's worse is how it left me. A soldier without a gun. A shepherd without a dog. A cowboy without a horse.
²⁹
Oh, Sasha. Whatever will Olga think? I would attach a photo, but I don't want to put you off your lunch.

Yours in hope,

Bob “No Nob” Servant

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From: Olga

To: Bob Servant

Subject: From “Lotos”

Dear Bob,

I read your letter. I promise that I won't tell Olga and it will stay between us. As a man I understand what a great trouble this truly is. There is no problem without answer and there are some modern methods to help. Moreover I think Olga is more interested in your inner world.

I think true and sincere love will overcome all obstacles and you shouldn't worry. Olga is a very kind, understanding and caring person and she is able to understand you. But I promise not to tell Olga, it is your right to tell her. I will help you with my advice or anything else you need. Are you ready to open your account?

Sincerely,

Sasha Malikov.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Olga

Subject: Do you think I should buy one of these three?

Sasha,

Thank you Sasha, from the bottom of my (Tony) heart, for those words that make me feel like crying hot tears of gratitude. I can't tell you how difficult it's been since I lost Bobby Junior in the paperboy's bike. I cannot consider surgery at my age so I've been thinking about some sort of artificial replacement.

I have attached photos of three possibilities. Let me know your thoughts. The first one looks like a serious bit of kit and it clearly wouldn't fit down my pants. I'd have to carry it in the pocket of a long jacket or maybe a shopping bag. But you can't exactly go carrying about a shopping bag with a mechanical cock in it can you? Certainly not anywhere there might be children, or down at the swimming baths.

The second would work well stuffed down my pants but I'd have to warm it up first. The third is interesting. It looks useful in the bedroom and also good fun to play with. I am waiting for your thoughts. I find it hard to talk to other men about this because they'd take the piss. If the boys down at Stewpot's got hold of this I'd be finished. I hope Olga is well, I have been thinking about her and looking at those wonderful photographs. The ones of her that is, not the photos of the false cocks.

Yours Respectfully,

Bob

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From: Olga

To: Bob Servant

Subject: From “Lotos”

Bob,

I thought a lot about your problem and these artificial options. Unfortunately I can't advise you anything. You should discuss all this with Olga as it will affect her directly. Please look to create funds in your account as this is something you must discuss with her soon.

Respectfully,

“Lotos”.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Olga

Subject: Let's test her Sasha….

Sasha,

I've an idea. Could you speak to Olga and pretend to tell her about a friend of yours who does not have an old boy because of an accident he was in? Of course, you're talking about me, but this way we can test her reaction. Just say it's a Russian friend, maybe call him Boris or something?

If you start, “Olga, did I ever tell you about my friend Boris? The funniest thing happened to him….”, and then take it from there.

Be very laidback and HOPEFULLY she will be chilled out about it also. If she reacts as if this would be a problem and she, as a woman, would want nothing to do with Boris then we will have hit a brick wall. However, it would be best to find out as I'm sure you wouldn't want me to waste my money otherwise. Praying for a positive reaction,

Bob

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From: Olga

To: Bob Servant

Subject: From “Lotos”

Bob,

I have some news. Olga came asking about you. It was an opportunity to talk. I chose my words carefully and told her about a friend with such problem. I told it so it was not about you. She listened very attentively. After finishing my story she said that she has a girlfriend who's boyfriend has the same problems.

Olga told me her girlfriend loves her boyfriend and it doesn't matter whether he has “the thing” or not. Olga also told her attitude. She said the main thing in relations is mutual understanding and love. If a couple has
this nothing else matters and they overcome everything. She will confirm this I am sure when you place funds in your account.

Sasha.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Olga

Subject: Great Stuff

That is really good news. Is there any way you could get me the email address of the Russian guy who also lost his pecker? I'd love to swap war stories and hopes for the future.

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From: Olga

To: Bob Servant

Subject: From “Lotos”

Bob,

No I cannot that would not be fair. Bob, I cannot talk to you any more if you do not choose a package and send funds. It is not fair on the other customers. Send money today even $50 to get started. You deserve it with everything that has happened to you. But do not hesitate too long as you must remember a woman has many admirers. There is an English man who wants to take Olga on vacation already.

Sasha.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Olga

Subject: English thief

You what?! Where's he taking her? The cheeky bastard. You'd better warn him off Sasha I'm serious. I know people down there. Chappy has a cousin in Birmingham who knows ju-jitsu.

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From: Olga

To: Bob Servant

Subject: From “Lotos”

He is talking about taking her to Jamaica. If you are quick and pay money into your account I can talk her into staying and coming to your country if you add money enough for air fare.

Sasha

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From: Bob Servant

To: Olga

Subject: TELL HER TO STAY RIGHT THERE

Sasha,

Do you both have valid passports? I have a plan. Tell the English boy to sling his hook.

Bob

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From: Olga

To: Bob Servant