Delete This at Your Peril (10 page)

Subject: Good morning

Joseph,

I cannot help you with the Clarky stuff, but if you can prove that you live in Africa then I have a business proposal for you,

Your Servant,

Bob Servant

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From: Joseph Udeze

To: Bob Servant

Subject: FURTHER DETAILS

Dear Bob,

Yes! I live in Africa and as such would be ready for your proposal.

Thanks,

Joseph

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From: Bob Servant

To: Joseph Udeze

Subject: Now we're talking…

Joseph,

Listen my new pal, I have an idea that I would like to run past you. I think, and hope, that it will blow your socks off. I have a small cafe here in Broughty Ferry. We mostly work off the taxi drivers and posties, you know the drill – sausages (link and square), bacon rolls, meths. You'd be amazed at the meths we shift Joseph. Around half the posties that work out of Dundee East Sorting Office are on the meths day and night. I heard from Tommy Peanuts that a couple of them actually get paid in meths.
¹⁴

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I want to give the cafe a total overhaul. I'm happy to close the place down for two weeks and really go to town on it.

What I'm thinking is this –

UNCLE BOB'S AFRICAN ADVENTURE

I would fill the place with plants and trees and make it really dark. When people came in they would literally have to trek to the counter, using a machete to get through the vines and avoid being attacked by the lions. These would be large paper mache lion heads that I would wear, popping up from behind the foliage and roaring in their ears.

Let me know if you think you could help,

Yours,

Bob

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From: Joseph Udeze

To: Bob Servant

Subject: I am waiting…

Dear Bob,

Nice talks … I shall be willing to render assistance if you can give to me
further details. You have made a nice catch! How can I help with this enterprise?

Thanks,

Joseph.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Joseph Udeze

Subject: What I need

Joseph,

That is great news. What I need is this - an African team that can come up with sizzling African dishes that the cafe can cook. And, fuck me Joseph, I need it now. What do you think? I would need full recipes and would be willing to pay $500 for each one. Right now, I urgently need two genuine African recipes for which I will pay $1,000 by Western Union.

I need –

The name of the dish

The ingredients needed

Instructions for cooking

I am incredibly excited about this. I am going to close the cafe next week and start the work on it.

Yours,

Bob Servant

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From: Joseph Udeze

To: Bob Servant

Subject: OK

Dear Bob,

I have just read your mail, and I am sure that gradually I understand what you are talking about. All is well and like I assured you before now, I can do that for you. Africa as continent has a lot of dishes, but if I am to get correct answers to your request, then I have to concentrate on Nigerian dishes which I am very familiar with. I shall be responding further in that regards. Thanks for consulting me!

Joseph.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Joseph Udeze

Subject: An announcement

Joseph,

I hereby appoint you –

HEAD OF MENU CONSULTATION at UNCLE BOB'S AFRICAN ADVENTURE.

That's right, you've got it. I have given you an opportunity Joseph, do not let me down,

Uncle Bob

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From: Joseph Udeze

To: Bob Servant

Subject: My true position on the matter

Dear Bob,

I have read your mail this morning and it is my sincere wish to help you. Like I stated, I am a lawyer by profession and as such would want to handle any transaction that I am having with anybody legally so that we don't end up misunderstanding ourselves. Before we can commence actions please forward your full personal details.

Meanwhile I have consulted a specialist in Food Technology and that is to give to you the best of satisfaction in your demand. An investment has to be made and that is why I need to be assured that you would not let me down because as a professional in that field, I am required to pay to him consultation fees. Let me know your considerations over this.

Thanks and I am wishing you a successful endeavour.

Joseph U.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Joseph Udeze

Subject: Sounds good

Joseph,

Good to hear from you my friend. Things are coming along really well here. Old Joan, who works behind the counter, has taken it upon herself to start learning Swahili, which is a lovely touch. I think she was worried that I was going to sack her and get in someone younger and more exotic when we reopen and it's great to see the staff on their toes like this.

I have a very, very good feeling about UNCLE BOB'S AFRICAN ADVENTURE. I think we are going to wipe the floor with the competition,
in particular ARCHIE'S PIT STOP. Archie and I used to be friends until one night a few years ago. We were at the bowling club getting pissed up and I stupidly told Archie how well my cafe was doing.

He'd just got £20,000 redundancy from the Michelin and the next thing you know the bastard has opened up ARCHIE'S PIT STOP one hundred yards down the road from the cafe. We've never spoken since and I hope that I drive him to the wall. By Christ, he'll near enough shit himself when he sees UNCLE BOB'S AFRICAN ADVENTURE. I can't wait.

That is great news about the food technician. He sounds just the calibre of person that we need to get on board. Please welcome him to the team from me.

Also, here's the other info you need –

I'm single/available

Cafe address –

Uncle Bob's Wonderful Cafe

71 The High Street

                     

Dundee,

Scotland UK

Look forward to hearing from you my friend. How long until the first recipe? Have some fun with it Joseph - surprise me and tease me, feel free to sauce it up, but not too spicy please.

Uncle Bob

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From: Joseph Udeze

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Have a look at the attached files

Dear Bob,

I have read your mail and also saw your information. I am still wanting to know your age. Thanks for all the information which has given me more confidence in what we are about doing. As I promised you in my early morning mail, I have attached here scanned copies of my own photographs for your perusal.
¹⁵

Thanks,

Joseph.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Joseph Udeze

Subject: Sensational

Joseph,

Thank you so much for sending me these photos. They are simply sensational. In the first one you look extremely smart and have really turned yourself out nicely. In the second, you have been captured brilliantly relaxing with your family. The photos, if you like, show the two sides of Joseph Udeze, am I correct?

You look quite like Sir Trevor MacDonald, who used to read the news over here and play for Newcastle United.
¹⁶
Is he a relation of yours?

Thank you,

Bob

PS I am 62 years old.

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From: Joseph Udeze

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Thanks for your words

Dear Bob,

All is well, thanks for your words. I shall be getting to you tomorrow further information as soon as I have spoken with the food specialist. Just relax your mind because I am working things out in a way that favors everybody.

I have just viewed a picture on the web of Sir Trevor MacDonald and I am not related. People can resemble each other and that is exactly what you have spotted. I don't think I have any relation over there in Scotland.

Have a nice time.

Yours truly,

Joseph U.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Joseph Udeze

Subject: Frank

Joseph,

Hello my friend, good to hear from you and don't worry about the Sir Trevor MacDonald thing, it doesn't affect your employment. Joseph, I really need to get these recipes in as my chef Frank Theplank has to start practising very soon so that he can cook them by the time the cafe opens.

Frank is not the sharpest knife in the box and he is already bloody furious with the African theme, so I am keen to get him working on them asap. I will get Frank to email you directly. Please send the recipes straight to him to save time and then email me to arrange payment.

Many thanks,

Uncle Bob

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From: Frank Theplank

To: Joseph Udeze

Subject: RECIPES

HULLO

I AM THE CHEF AT BOB SERVANT'S CAFE AND HE TOLD ME TO EMAIL YOU AND ASK FOR THE AFRICAN RECIPES WHICH YOU ARE SENDING US FOR THIS STUPID NEW AFRICAN CAFE HE IS MAKING

FRANK THEPLANK

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From: Joseph Udeze

To: Bob Servant, Frank Theplank

Subject: From the chef

Forwarded Message –

From: Christian Bala

To: Joseph Udeze

Subject: African Menu

ATTN: MR. BOB SERVANT /FRANK THEPLANK,

I AM CHRISTIAN BALA (CHEF). HAVING RECEIVED INSTRUCTIONS FROM MR. JOSEPH UDEZE, I WILL OUTLINE SOME OF THE POPULAR AFRICAN DISHES. I SHALL ALSO BE WILLING TO BRIEF YOU FURTHER ON HOW THEY ARE PREPARED TO GET THE BEST OF TASTE AS SOON AS WE HAVE AGREED TERMS.

BELOW ARE SOME FOR THE MOMENT:-

1) ABACHA (AFRICAN SALAD)

INGREDIENTS: - CASSAVA (SHREDED), UGBA (OIL BEAN), PALM OIL, CRAYFISH, GARDEN EGG, HERRING FISH, COW HIDE (KPOMO), UKAZI LEAF, SALT/PEPPER.

2) YAM PORRIDGE.

INGREDIENTS: - YAM, PALM OIL, CRAY FISH OR SHRIMPS, PEPPER, GREEN LEAF OR PUMPKIN VEGETABLE, WATER LEAF, SMOKED FISH, SALT.

3) UGBA (OIL BEAN)

INGREDIENTS: - OIL BEAN (SHREDED), STOCKFISH, PALM OIL, CRAYFISH (GRINDED), CRABS, PEPPER, POTASH, SALT.

4) ISI EWU (GOAT HEAD)

INGREDIENTS: - GOAT HEAD, PALM OIL (RED), CENT LEAF (NCHANWU), POTASH, GREEN PEPPER, SALT, OIL BEAN (UGBA)

5) AFANG SOUP.

INGREDIENTS: - WATER LEAF, OKAZI LEAF, BEEF/FISH, PERIWINKLE, SNAILS, CRABS, PALM OIL, PEPPER, SALT.

I SHALL BE WAITING FOR YOUR COMMENTS.

CHRISTIAN BALA

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From: Bob Servant

To: Joseph Udeze, Christian Bala, Frank Theplank

Subject: MENU

Joseph/Michael,

Good news, the cafe is coming on brilliantly and UNCLE BOB'S AFRICAN ADVENTURE is really starting to take shape. I am trying to get hold of a camel and have put an advert for one in the window at Toshy's Hardware. Once Frank has got your dishes nailed we're going to be in business. I have chosen 3 dishes below, send the full instructions to Frank Theplank,

Bob

YAM PORRIDGE

ISI EWU

AFANG SOUP

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From: Christian Bala

To: Bob Servant, Joseph Udeze, Frank Theplank

Subject: More on African Menu

ATTN: MR. BOB SERVANT /FRANK THEPLANK, EVERYTHING WILL BE AS YOU DESIRE. I AM WORKING OUT MODALITIES WITH JOSEPH TO FIGURE OUT THE MOST EXCELLENT WAYS TO DELIVER THE INSTRUCTIONS SO THAT YOU DO NOT MAKE MISTAKES.

I WANT YOU TO JUST COUNT ON ME FOR A SUCCESSFUL “UNCLE BOB'S AFRICAN ADVENTURE” THAT WILL CAUSE TRAFFIC-JAM (HOLDUP OR GO-SLOW) IN SCOTLAND. WE ARE ALSO WISHING TO KNOW HOW MUCH YOU INTEND TO PAY US FOR THE SERVICES WE HAVE DESIRED TO RENDER?

THANKS,

CHRISTIAN BALA

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From: Frank Theplank

To: Bob Servant, Joseph Udeze, Christian Bala