Delete This at Your Peril (13 page)

Well hope u are having a nice day. Let me know when you have sent the money Bob.

Colin

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From: Bob Servant

To: Colin Jackson

Subject: YOU'RE GOING TO BE IN THE PAPER!

Colin,

I have interesting news! First of all, I have the money ordered and will have it tomorrow. The second is that I was just in the Royal Arch looking for skirt and bumped into Chappy Williams again. Apparently, he has just landed the big one - Broughty Ferry correspondent for the Evening Telegraph.
²⁴
Christ only knows how he got it, he reckons he took a grand off the deputy editor at a poker lock-in at Stewpot's bar and they settled for him getting the gig.
²⁵

Anyway, I spoke to him about the fact you were doing this painting for me and he was very, very excited. He put down his cocktail (sex on the beach), turned to me and said, ‘Fuck me Bob this could be big'. We chatted about it all some more, and he says that he wants to interview you for
the paper! I have had problems with both the local press and my general reputation in the last few years. Or, if I'm being honest, decades. This is an opportunity for me to really bounce back. I told him that you are a busy man so he is only going to send you a few questions. Thanks so much, I will send you the article when it comes out.

Please make me sound like a fun guy when you send Chappy your answers. And, Colin, REMEMBER, two things –

He thinks I was a real captain of Bob's Beauty! Make sure you say that.

Please say that I am very handsome if he asks. That will help me with the skirt and Christ knows I need all the help I can get.

Thank you my friend,

Bob

PS 90% of your life in the studio? That seems a little high?

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From: Colin Jackson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Interview

Hello Captain Bob,

Thanks for your mail and interest in me, but I want to know will the interview be through mail or something? Secondly I will do just like you said {captain in the Bob's Beauty} so you have nothing to worry about because we are in this together.

Then about the money how did you send it? You should send it through Western Union or Moneygram as it will be available for pick-up instantly. You need to send it now, it is very important as we must get this thing started. Let me know when you have done this and Bob's Beauty will kick off.

Have a wonderful day.

Colin

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From: Chappy Williams

To: Colin Jackson

Subject: Interview

HELLO COLIN I AM CHAPPY, A FRIEND OF BOB SERVANT AND A TOP NEWSPAPER REPORTER. I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS FOR YOU FOR AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW. PLEASE SEND ME THE ANSWERS AS SOON AS YOU CAN. THANK YOU, CHAPPY.

How long have you been an artist and what was it that made you start?

Bob said that you think in pictures, can you please explain?

How did you meet Bob?

You are doing a painting of Bob in a boat, is it true that he was a captain in the merchant navy? (I have my doubts)

Do you think he is handsome?

What is your favourite thing about Bob?

If you weren't a painter then what do you think you would be?

As a painter, who is your favourite cartoon character? (Mickey Mouse etc)

Thank you very much,

Chappy Williams, Broughty Ferry Correspondent

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From: Colin Jackson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Chappy

Hello Bob,

Your friend Chappy has sent me the questions for the newspaper. Do you want me to answer them in a way that will suit you?

Colin

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From: Bob Servant

To: Colin Jackson

Subject: Re: Chappy

Hello Colin,

That's all fine. just send the answers directly to Chappy. Speak to you later. I'm waiting for the woman at the post office to phone me back about this money transfer but she's probably doing her bloody nails or something.

Bob

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From: Colin Jackson

To: Chappy Williams

Subject: ANSWERS

Thanks Chappy if you need more information on me you know how to get to me. Tell Bob that I am very grateful for this interview and I am looking forward to read the paper.

Thanks and have a nice day.

Colin

How long have you been an artist and what was it that made you start?

My Dad was an artist and I grow up living with my Dad. It became part of me but I can say that when I officially opened up to the world as a painter was in 1995 when I inherited his studio and became officially know as painter Colin…lol. So I will say that I have been a painter for about 12 years now.

Bob said that you think in pictures can you please explain this?

Well as a painter I actually think in pictures because everything I see around me I imagine them in painting and how they will look if they painted in pictures, so I really imagine a lot of things in paintings especially when I am at work in my studio. I think in pictures as Bob says.

How did you meet Bob?

Well I met Bob on the internet while I was looking for a representative. Bob got my mail and replied asking to see some of my paintings. He grow interest in me and since then I and Bob have been good friends because he is fun talking to and also a caring fellow to know.

You are doing a painting of Bob in a boat, is it true that he was a captain in the Merchant Navy?

Yes I am doing a painting of Bob in Bob's Beauty. For as long as I have been talking to him I know him as Captain Bob because from the day I met him he told me he was a captain in the merchant navy and I believe he is a captain, so if I am asked if Bob is a captain I will say yes.

Do you think he is handsome?

Yes Bob must have been handsome when he was younger because he has worked hard in his jobs to earn a lot of money and so would have got fit along the way. With his good jokes also you can imagine how good he would been with women? I just think the skirts would have been on cue for Bob at his young days! Yes he is a handsome man!

What is your favourite thing about Bob?

My favourite thing about Bob is that he sounds like a good man and I am always pleased to read his mails because he is usually interesting in his writing. Bob must be fun being around.

If you weren't a painter then what do you think you would be?

I would have loved to be an international journalist.

As a painter, who is your favourite cartoon character?

My favourite cartoon is Tom and Jerry and Pink and the Brain.

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From: Chappy Williams

To: Colin Jackson

Subject: Thank You

Thanks very much Colin,

I loved the Tom and Jerry joke! The story is all filed and I think it is very funny.

I hope you and Bob enjoy it,

All the best,

Chappy

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From: Bob Servant

To: Colin Jackson

Subject: TOM AND FUCKING JERRY?

Colin,

What are you playing at?! Have you seen the Telegraph? What were you thinking? I never said anything about Tom and Jerry, I don't even like the bloody programme.

I've been getting absolute pelters all day. People keep giving it ‘Ooh, Jerry, where's Colin?' And what's all this bollocks about you thinking I'm so handsome? We come across as a right couple of oddballs. By Christ, you've made me look like a complete idiot. Why the hell would I say that we're the new Tom and Jerry. What does that even mean, they were in a fucking cartoon for a start? I wouldn't know where to begin.

I am absolutely furious about this Colin.

Bob

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From: Colin Jackson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Re: TOM AND FUCKING JERRY?

Hello Bob,

Whats all this about? I only said I liked Tom and Jerry not you so I think your friend Williams should be confronted not me. So i don't see any reason why you should be harassing me like i am some kind of toy or something like that.

Colin

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From: Bob Servant

To: Colin Jackson

Subject: I am sorry Colin but this is goodbye

Colin,

I have spoken to Chappy and he is sticking to his story. The last few days have been a complete nightmare and I have been turned into a laughing stock by the Tom and Jerry story. The local radio station had a phone-in yesterday on the matter and the resounding opinion was that I was a basket case.

A taxi driver phoned in from the Seagate rank in Dundee and said that he'd just seen me chasing a mouse down the road with a rubber hammer (which was untrue) and then a woman from Monifieth called and, sounding all pleased with herself, said, “Forget Walt Disney, I think Bob Servant's been on the Malt Whisky.”

I knew things were bad when I nipped up to the bowling club and bumped into Jimmy Walker and Bill Wood. Jimmy went to shake my hand and then said, ‘Hang on Bob, have you washed your paws?' Then Bill said that the bar was closed so would I be able to nip through the cat flap and get them a couple of drinks? They're both right good guys so when they have a pop you know you're in trouble.

I am sorry Thomas but under the circumstances I cannot take the painting from you. I just want to forget about the whole matter. I do not hold any grudge against you, it's just one of those things. Best of luck for the future,

Yours,

Bob Servant

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No Reply

 

18
. Bob is presumably referring, erroneously, to a 1994 edition of
Animal Hospital
, presented by Rolf Harris, where a German Shepherd called Floss was put down on medical grounds. Far from being involved in the dog's death, Harris was visibly upset by the incident.

19
. At this point Mr Jackson provided a wonderful photo of a harbour scene but the image was badly corrupted. When I informed Bob of this he responded that he had some photos at home that were ‘a lot more corrupt than that'. This was an observation that Bob found so amusing I momentarily thought he might choke to death on his sandwich.

20
. I think, for Bob's sake, I should confirm that this incident did not occur. He did apply for the Merchant Navy in 1975 but never heard back from them. He believes this was due to the fact that he included a nude photo with his application to demonstrate his physical prowess.

21
. Here Mr Jackson kindly sent a photo of a contented-looking gentleman looking out with binoculars at a sunset from a ship's bridge. An action, I should say, that I have always been led to believe could lead to instant blindness. Anyway, the photo contains certain identifiable aspects and I have therefore reluctantly removed it.

22
. Stewpot's Bar in Broughty Ferry has never employed a barmaid that behaves in such a manner. ‘More's the pity,' said Stewpot when I asked him.

23
. At this point Mr Jackson supplied several photos of an artist working in a studio. The images have been removed for legal reasons. They're perfectly pleasant shots, they're just very unlikely to feature Mr Jackson.

24
. No Chappy Williams has ever been employed by the
Evening Telegraph
, nor has the paper ever had a ‘Broughty Ferry correspondent'.

25
. The suggestion that the deputy editor of the
Evening Telegraph
would hand out an editorial posting to clear a gambling debt is outrageous and has no basis whatsoever in fact.