Delete This at Your Peril (17 page)

Bob

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From: Dr. Mamadou Kouassi

To: Bob Servant

Subject: THE GENDARMERIE

Dear Mr Bob Servant,

It is Mamadou that you call me. These are useful tips. Now I have already laid the complaint and the Gendarmerie police assure me as long as you provide the contact of the criminal that he will be caught within days. As you describe JIMJAMS lives near sea and has long hair the order has been given to round up those who have this description. He said that you should contact him

Email: [email protected]

Name: YOUSSOU BA (GENDARMERIE)

Please my friend i advice you send him an email and explain everything to him. Rest assured this GENDARMERIE is an action man.

Dr Mamadou Kouassi.

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From: Bob Servant

To- Youssou Ba

Subject: For the Urgent Attention of Mr Youssou Ba

Dear Sir,

A good friend of mine, who I shall not name for the purpose of keeping him safe from the rebels, told me you can help me trap the notorious JERREN JIMJAMS who took me for over $50,000. I know that he has long hair
and a female associate with a distinctive laugh. I would warn your men that JIMJAMS is a cruel and cunning thief. A man like him does not need weapons. His weapon is his mouth. Please beware. JIMJAMS might try and talk your men into letting him go. He will mess with their minds and undress them with his eyes. He is a coyote, a real snake in the grass. I have attached a photo which I think he may look a little bit like,

Thank you,

Bob

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From: Youssou Ba

To: Bob Servant

Subject: GENDARMERIE in charge

Atten: Mr Bob,

Well I recieved your mail with thanks and am obliged to see the photo of the so-called JERREN JIMJAMS. Now I have printed the photo and dispatched it to the whole offices for proper investigation. You should not worry on how my boys apprehend him. In my country the people living near the sea is not populated and I will send my boys to the zone tomorrow. Everybody will present their ID and passport and anybody with the name JERREN JIMJAMS will suffer hell.

I will like to inform you that you will pay me £5,000 when i get him but you have to bear in mind that you will come down as soon as i get the robber so that we can recover all your money. You will pay me 1/2 the money immediately when I catch them and bring the rest with you.
I will like you to send to me your phone and fax number including your residential address.

MR YOUSSOU BA

GENDARMERIE INCHARGE.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Youssou Ba

Subject: Progress

Youssou,

Your tactics for trapping JIMJAMS are spot on with one flaw. I am talking, of course, about the sea. Let's not leave the back door open. The land assault should be complemented by a simultaneous naval attack. All ports should be blocked off and any ship that tries to break through should get one shot across the bows and then just blow those fuckers right out of the water Youssou. It's up to you if you lead the land or naval charge. I would base the decision on whether you get seasick and what outfit you look best in.

I will happily pay a £5,000 reward when JIMJAMS is caught, with one demand. When you catch him I want you (personally) to strip him naked and dress him in women's clothes. This is an old British tradition. It is a way of humiliating criminals and making them look like dafties. For example, here is a photo of a man recently caught stealing bread in Monifieth,
³¹

Speak soon, best of luck,

Bob

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From: Youssou Ba

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Send your phone and fax urgently

Attn: Bob Servant,

I inform you that 9 men were apprehended and are waiting for interrogation. Send me your phone and fax immediately and prepare to send money through Western Union and also to come here to Dakar to collect the rest of your money.

Sincerely,

Mr Youssou Ba.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Youssou Ba

Subject: Easy on the interrogation

Great news. Take it easy with the questioning. Get inside their heads Youssou, see what makes them tick. Where is the best place to fly to? I will have to really shake up my travelling wardrobe for this one. I am going to set the reward for the capture of JIMJAMS at £5,000. You can use this any way you see fit - ie, bribes, gifts, or the setting up of honey traps. Any word from Dr Kouassi? I miss him a bit but not too much because you sound so like him.

Yours,

Bob x

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From: Youssou Ba

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Jimjams apprehended

Attn: Mr Bob Servant,

Dr Kouassi is just OK and happy because I have updated him with this. After the 9 men were treated like goats they confessed the truth. We found JIMJAMS office where he used to set all his boys and the second boss of JIMJAMS told us where his mansion was. JIMJAMS was arrested at his mansion at 5am. He is in jail. He has agreed he took your money and that he took an American man's money as well. JIMJAMS has long hair and criminal eyes you were right about this. Now I want you to prepare yourself to come to Dakar and send £2,500 as we agree.

Mr Youssou Ba.

GENDARMERIE

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From: Bob Servant

To: Youssou Ba

Subject: Incredible Scenes

Youssou,

You have him? JIMJAMS is captured? Thank Christ. Youssou, all I ask is this. Make JIMJAMS dress in women's clothes and take a photo. I need to see that photo and then I will know that he is captured and humiliated. I will send £5,000 reward when I know this is the case,

Bob

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From: Youssou Ba

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Awaiting Urgently

Attn: Mr Bob Servant,

My dear here is the Photo of Jimjams In the Woman's Clothes. Now I need the money to settle my boys. You can send it by western Union to these details.

MR YOUSSOU BA

SENEGAL - DAKAR

WEST AFRICA

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From: Bob Servant

To: Youssou Ba

Subject: Oops!

Youssou,

My friend, surely that is just the photo that I sent you with some black stuff clumsily added to the shot, presumably to look like some sort of shawl? I think you've clicked on the wrong file. I can't wait to see the proper photo of JIMJAMS in women's clothing.

All the very best,

Bob

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From: Youssou Ba

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Send money now

Dear Mr Bob Servant,

In fact it is a shameful thing that you are not trusting your friends that are fighting for you. Bob, forget about the photo. My bosses has ordered that nobody is allowed to see JIMJAMS until further notice. Please give me your flight schedule and send the money agreed for now today please.

Thank you.

Mr Youssou Ba.

GENDARMERIE

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From: Bob Servant

To: Youssou Ba

Subject: Photo, Dinner rules

Youssou,

No problem. Just tell your bosses that I give permission. Tell them Bob wants the skirt shot or the gig's up. That should do the trick. I am planning to travel at the end of the week and would like to take this opportunity to invite you and your team out to dinner. I will pay for this over and above the agreed £5,000. You can have starters and main course OR main course and dessert. I will also buy a bottle of wine for every two people. Please let me know your thoughts on what courses the men would like.

Bob

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From: Youssou Ba

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Assure me that you are coming

Attn: Mr Bob Servant,

I just received your mail now and I was wondering the type of insult that you are giving me? I used my power to have the so-called Jimjams arrested and detained just for your sake to recover your money. My dear the law of this country prohibits me to call a photographer to picture Jimjams in the cell, but you are telling me to picture him before you come and collect your money. If you want you can sleep in the cell with Jimjams if that is your cup of tea.

My friend I will only detain this man for a few days until you send the £2,500. The American man has already paid and it looks he will get back every penny stolen from him by JIMJAMS.

We will have starters and then the main meal.

Thank you.

Mr Youssou Ba.

GENDARMERIE

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From: Bob Servant

To: Youssou Ba

Subject: An American you say?

Youssou,

There's a Yank involved in this vipers nest? That reassures me greatly and I am willing to abandon the photo request. Could I please have this American's email address?

My flight is waiting to be confirmed. Many thanks for your offer to share a cell with JIMJAMS. However, I do not think this would be practical on a security level and I will stay in a hotel. You can stay with me if you like?

Bob

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From: Youssou Ba

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Assure me that you are coming

Attn: Mr Bob Servant,

Thank you for your mail and is well noted. Regarding the America man that Jimjams betrayed for $72,000USD.

Name : Randy Whyting

Email: gorWhyting@
                            

Thanks and awaiting for your arrival?

Mr Youssou Ba

Gendarmerie

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From: Bob Servant

To: Randy Whyting

Subject: For the Attention of Mr. Randy Whyting

Randy,

How are you? You don't know me but I am a British cheeseburger van operator (retired) and windowcleaner (resting) and gigolo (unemployed, through choice)
³²
named Bob Servant. We have a common purpose - JERREN JIMJAMS. I am sure that just saying that name has sent a shiver down your American neck under your cowboy hat. Please, tell me what happened in your case?