Delete This at Your Peril (20 page)

We are glad to have you as our staff, this is the information that we need. Do what you think is best for a uniform Bob. We trust you. I wear a suit.

PERSONAL DETAILS

First Name:

Middle Name:

Last Name:

Date Of Birth:

Sex:

Occupation:

Marital Status:

National Insurance Number/Social Security Number:

Address:

City:

State:

Zip/Postal Code:

Country:

Home Phone:

Mobile Phone:

Fax:

CERTIFICATION:

I hereby certify that all entries are true and complete. I agree and understand that any falsification of information, regardless of time of discovery, may cause forfeiture on my part of employment in the service of Lanzhou Global Manufacturing Co. Ltd. I consent to criminal history background checks.

Date:

Applicant Signature:

OFFICIAL USE ONLY:

Remarks:

Lanzhou Global Manufacturing Co., Ltd.

                            

                            

                                        

Thailand.

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From: Bob Servant

To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD

Subject: UNIFORMS

Xiong,

Hello boss! I have been trying like a bastard to find the right uniform for the job and I think I have it - a boilersuit that I bought for £30 from Nipper Kolacz, who works at the Michelin. Nipper wasn't able to give me a receipt because they get given them free but could I still claim it on expenses?

Here's what I want to do with it. On the front left chest pocket I want to put my initials – BGS – like what football managers have on their training jackets. It's on the back that I want to get a little bit saucy. I don't know if you have a slogan over there at LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD or not but I have come up with one that I think is a bit of a cracker.

Are you ready?

HEY DICKHEAD! ARE YOU LAUGHING AT OUR RUBBER? SHUT UP OR WE'LL BELT YOU!

(And then underneath that) - LANZHOU GLOBAL - THE BEST RUBBER BELTS IN THE WORLD.

What do you think? It's quite long so the writing would have to be pretty small but I think it sets the right tone. It's extremely funny but also presents us as a serious international rubber belt company.

One final thing, are we going to advertise the fact that we have touched down in Scotland? I was up in Fintry the other day looking for skirt and I saw a cracking advertising board. I took a photo of it to show you as I thought it would be a great spot for a LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD advert – maybe using my new slogan? Let me know what you think, it's got a car on it just now but it's not a real car so it would be easy to take it off.

I've really enjoyed my first two days of working for LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD. It's been all go, but I have had a great time. I'll get to grips with the form tomorrow.

This is Bob Servant, star man of Lanzhou Global Ltd, clocking off!

Yours loyally,

Barbara

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From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Form needed

Dear Bob,

I am glad to read your message, I am very impressed with you and I must say you might be one of our best staff because of your good attitude and loyalty. I am proud of you and I feel you can help us have a large market in the UK. The uniform sounds perfect. You should wear it when you are doing your business as you will look smart. Let us have a think about what advertisements we might do but you have made a good start.

Bob, do not hesitate to send back your job application form. It is very important and we need this information for our system. We also have clients that will start making payments into your banking account very soon,

XIONG

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From: Bob Servant

To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD

Subject: Completed Form (stick it in your pipe and smoke it!) (only joking) (though you can if you want) (don't choke to death without paying me though!) (only joking)

Xiong,

I've done the form! Isn't this incredible Xiong, old Bobby boy working for a Chinese belt company?! But why not? The thing is Xiong, you're over there in China and I'm here in Broughty Ferry. But you're just a man and I'm just a man. That's what I'm saying. We're all just men. Apart from women.

All the very, very best,

Sandra

JOB APPLICATION FORM PERSONAL DETAILS

CERTIFICATION:

I hereby certify that all entries are true and complete. I agree and understand that any falsification of information, regardless of time of discovery, may cause forfeiture on my part of employment in the service of Lanzhou Global Manufacturing Co. Ltd. I consent to criminal history background checks.

Date:    28/3/07

Applicant Signature: Bobby Servant. By the way, about those checks, I smoked a few Fatty Boom Booms in the late 1970s but I never really enjoyed them that much. Other than that, you'll probably dig up some bits and pieces but they all resulted from genuine misunderstandings.

FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY:

Remarks: BOB IS A GOOD GUY

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From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD

To: Bob Servant

Subject : MISSING INFORMATION

Hello Bob,

Thank you for sending the form but it is not totally correct. You did not give us your postal address and no national insurance number. Kindly do that and meanwhile one of our clients is ready to make a payment so we need your phone number and bank details soon,

Thank You,

XIONG

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From: Bob Servant

To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD

Subject: STAFF PARTY

Xiong,

Thanks you for your email. You know, Xiong, when I hear from you, my special boss with his kind words, I feel about ten feet tall. It's lucky I'm not though, or I wouldn't be able to get into my house! I would, of course, I could just crawl in the front door or lever myself through a window. Either way, I'd get into the house. That's for bloody sure.

Xiong, I have been very, very busy. I know you want to get these forms done but it's not all about paperwork in business Xiong, you should know
that. What we need Xiong, is to let people know that we are here and we mean business. Rubber belt business.

I've started spreading the word locally in Broughty Ferry, and then I'll take it on a rolling campaign through Douglas and Mid Craigie, up the Kingsway and back through the West End to the city centre. People are intrigued and welcoming to the company and they're fascinated by where we want to take it.

I have also been thinking about a staff night out. Obviously, as things stand there is just me here in the Scottish office, but I was thinking of inviting a couple of people. The first guy I thought of was Clive from the Royal Bank.
³⁷
Clive is a bit eccentric but is also quite senior I think. He's a good guy and he could be quite important to us for setting up bank accounts and so on. The other one is Hamish McAlpine, the former Dundee United goalkeeper. Hamish is a distinctive local character and a good guy to have onside. I have attached a photo.

With regards to locations, then I think that Chinese would be the most appropriate as I'm sure you agree! Ha, ha. Probably the best Chinese in Broughty Ferry is Willy's Chinese Palace. They do a good dinner deal for under a tenner so if Clive, Hamish and myself all have that and maybe two bottles of wine then you'd be talking about £40–£50 for the whole thing.

Is that OK? Shall I just keep a receipt and send it over to you?

Anyway, I'd better be off. I've got a major marketing plan for the next few days, which I will tell you about later. I'm hoping to surprise you with some great news.

Your Faithful Employee and Friend,

Bob Servant

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From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Information Bob

Bob,

Thank you again for your hard work for the company. I think that the party is a good idea and yes we would prefer you to eat at a Chinese restaurant as we are a Chinese company originally. But Bob you have still not given us your national insurance number, bank account information and phone number right away. You said that Tommy broke your phone have you not got another one?

Also, we cannot find a record of your address, have you written it properly?

Please hurry Bob

Xiong

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From: Bob Servant

To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD

Subject: Will the rain affect the belts?

Xiong,

My address is 18 Harbour View, Broughty Ferry. It's the house with the long grass, next but one to the house with the greenhouse. That's Frank Theplank's house. You might have heard that he used to work with me at a cafe I had but the whole thing turned to shit. We're back talking now but for a while it was purely nods and winks.

I do have a National Insurance number, it is
                  
. However, I would really not want to get the Government involved in this whole kettle of Chinese fish. I have not paid any taxes since '89 and that was by mistake and because I was sitting pretty from the cheeseburger vans and half-mad at the time.

Unfortunately I do not have a phone right now. A few months ago I went absolutely berserk on Booty Express but it turned out it was costing me £1 a bloody minute. I couldn't believe it, I thought they were joking when they said that stuff at the beginning of the call. The girls were quality, Xiong, real good time girls with very few hang-ups. We had some great times but then I got the bill through and it was nearly £300. One thing led to another and I took out the phone with a spanner.

Do you want me to get a new one for the business? There's a nice one in the Argos Catalogue for £8.99 but my Argos Catalogue is three years old so you can probably stick a fiver on top of that.

Things have been going really well with getting people talking about
the business. One thing though, a lot of people are excited but ask me the same question - What do the rubber belts look like and how much are they going to cost? There is some resistance from the usual suspects. In the Post Office bar the other day Chappy Williams said, “Why would I wear a rubber belt Bob, I'd look like a prick” and then, in The Anchor, Tommy Peanuts said that rubber belts would shrink in the rain and cut off the circulation to your legs.