Delete This at Your Peril (27 page)

47
. Inhabitants of the Scottish region of Fife are free to vote anywhere in Great Britain and Northern Ireland, providing they have the needed paperwork.

48
. ‘I'll Bring Pride Back to Broughty Bowling' was the headline of an article in the
Broughty Ferry Gazette
of 5 July 1986. The paper's leader article that day urged the local people to choose ‘old-fashioned family values' over a ‘dangerous eccentric with his eye on the catering contract'.

49
. This was a picture of Hen Broon, a member of the popular Scottish cartoon family The Broons. In a famous strip from the 1960s, Hen purchased a bubble car. The cramped nature of the vehicle and Hen's extreme height led to great confusion. Bob does not have the right to reproduce this cartoon. He produced a piece of paper from a man who drives a delivery van for the publisher, but it was badly spelt and certainly not legally enforceable.

50
. At this stage Bob inserted the entire lyrics to When the Going Gets Tough by Billy Ocean. I asked if he had confirmed the reproduction rights and he insisted that he had after meeting Billy Ocean at a butcher's in Carnoustie. I've decided to err on the side of caution and left in only the last two lines, which don't really do the song justice.

From: Peter Anderson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: REPRESENTATIVE (JOB OFFER)

Dear Beloved,

Pleasant day, I have a job offer for you. My name is Peter Anderson, I am 46 years of age and I work with UNION VENTURES INC. LTD. We extract raw materials from Africa for clients in American geographical region (United States and Canada).

We are looking for a representative in America and Canada to work for us as a part time worker and are willing to Pay 10% every transaction. These payment would come to you in your name, so all you need do is cash it out, deduct your payment and wire the rest to us via Western Union. But sometimes the (FBI) gets involved in case someone tries to run with our money, I hope that is okay.

We are looking forward to your quick reply. Please if you are interested give us your full contact details

Regards,

Peter Anderson

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From: Bob Servant

To: Peter Anderson

Subject: Hello there

Peter,

This sounds very interesting indeed. And thanks for the tip-off about the FBI. I have long suspected they are monitoring my affairs and this just confirms it. One thing though, I'm not in America. Big Bobby comes boxing out of the badlands of Broughty Ferry,

Your Servant,

Bob Servant

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From: Peter Anderson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: HI

Good day to you,

This is OK, we also need representatives where you live. The FBI would only be involved in our man runs with money. You are to work for us as our part time worker and receive payments from our customers. They pay direct into your account or send you check which you cash and deduct
your % and send to us the rest through reliable source western union money transfer. We deal in raw materials so the sums will be often large, so will your % be!

Your faithfully,

Peter Anderson.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Peter Anderson

Subject: What materials Pedro? There may be a market

Hello Peter,

Good to hear from you. Can you tell me a little more please about the raw materials you deal in? I have a good friend over here – Frank Theplank - who is a trader in raw materials and I think we might be able to talk turkey.

Yours in hope,

Bob

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From: Peter Anderson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Hello Bob

HI,

Nice hearing from you. Regarding your question, Union Ventures is number one registered company in west Africa that deals on all kinds of raw materials. Still looking forward to get the informations specified, but tell us about your friend's business needs and we may be able to work with him,

Thank you.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Peter Anderson

Subject: Frank's Needs

Peter

How are you my man? I'm sitting having a mug of OVD and watching Countdown. I like to call it Rum and Sums. I have just phoned Frank and told him a little bit about you. He was busy with the Coronation Street fruit machine at the Ferry Inn but he sounded quite interested and said to ask if you deal in any of the following

Timber

Rubber

China Pots

Look forward to hearing from you,

Bob

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From: Peter Anderson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Hello

Hi,

Bob i got your mail. Yes we deal in Timber, Rubber, China pots and many others. Please tell your friend. We are a large company and so can do discounts,

Thanks You,

Peter

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From: Bob Servant

To: Peter Anderson

Subject: HE WANTS THOSE POTS

Peter,

OK, I have just called Frank. He is particularly interested in the china pots, just as I knew he would be. Frank has the Decorations Contract for a number of Dundee's parks and so pots play a major part in his life. If I was to be honest with you Peter, Frank is absolutely barmy about pots. As I suspect you might be also? Frank's going to come round here tomorrow, would you be able to send me some photos of your pots and also how much they cost?

It's bloody freezing here Peter, it's been snowing since last night. What's that all about, it's nearly summer. The Courier says it's a freak incident, though I was along at Stewpot's bar last night and the consensus there was that it's either global warming or to do with a big fire in Whitfield at the weekend.

It was the monthly animal noise competition at Stewpot's last night. I don't know why I bother because, frankly, Chappy Williams has it sewn up with his chinchilla. Anyway, I came in sixth out of ten with my rhino which wasn't too bad. I have to say the big success of the night was Tommy Peanuts with a new elephant impression that was really very good and quite scary. He wore a turban to make it an Indian elephant which everyone found very funny though I thought was a cheap trick and also you're not supposed to have props so it was a bit out of order.

I said this to Chappy in the toilets and he said that Tommy was getting a bit big for his boots so went out and built a big nob out of snow and a traffic cone on the bonnet of Tommy's car. Then Chappy said to me, ‘That's a nob fit for an elephant, eh Bob?', and we both laughed even though our hands were really cold. Sometimes he's a right idiot Chappy, but every so often he comes up with a belter. I was in stitches the whole way home and the one thing I couldn't get out of my head was, ‘this is the kind of thing that would crack Peter up'. Do you find it funny?

All the very best,

Many thanks,

Bob “Pots” Servant

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From: Peter Anderson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: THESE ARE SOME OF OUR COMPANY SAMPLES

Bob,

Yes what your friend Chappy did was very funny to me also. I hope your bad weather has stopped. Bob, here are some of our samples. Union Ventures are ready to offer you and Frank the best products and services. We will be proud to work with you,

Peter Anderson.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Peter Anderson

Subject: LOOKING GOOD

Peter,

This all looks great. I didn't realise that your company has a partnership
with ‘Pots a Plenty'. I think you and I both know that those cats are generally considered to be number one in terms of pots. I'll be honest with you Peter, as you have been with me, these pots look absolutely perfect and I think Frank is going to be quietly impressed. I am going to print out the photos and nip along to Doc Ferry's to catch him before he heads off. He always has to get home for Neighbours, does old Frank.

Peter, do you mind if I ask you to send a photo of yourself? I feel like we're friends and it would be good to know what you look like.

What are you up to tonight? I've got Frank coming round for a chicken party. We had six last time but then Frank was sick in my socks drawer so I think we're going to take it a bit easier tonight.

Look forward to seeing your photo and I will let you know what Frank thinks about the pots. I think he'll like them,

Bob

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From: Peter Anderson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Hello

Hello Bob,

This is my picture.
⁵¹
I am looking forward to hearing your order quickly so I can put my top boys onto the job and have it ready to go for you. Chicken is a big dish here also, it is a speciality of my wife!

Yours,

Peter

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From: Bob Servant

To: Peter Anderson

Subject: Tall, Dark and Handsome too you lucky beggar!

Peter,

If you don't mind me saying you are a very, very handsome man. My God Peter, you're a sensation. Those are the most come to bed eyes that I have ever seen. Forget come to bed, they're run to bed!

I finally managed to track down Frank. He'd been away playing the Cops and Robbers fruit machine at the ex-serviceman's club all day. When I found him he was lying on one of the benches on the Esplanade. He didn't make much sense but he did say that he would maybe take 500 pots from you if the price is right. I didn't tell him that you're such a big spunk though, or he might keep you for himself!

Any plans tonight? I'm just waiting for the football to come on, though some of the dross they have on the shows these days is embarrassing. Scotsport for example, that's the bloody pits. It kills me if I've not made the United game and I have to tune into that garbage to catch the highlights. Bring back Dougie Donnelly, eh?
⁵²

But we've got this lad at United just now Peter, called Barry Robson and that's why I can't miss the goals. He's a skinny wee ginger but, my God, the kid's got it all. The shoulder drop, the old swing of the hips. By Christ Peter, Robson could go out there in slippers and they wouldn't get near him.

Have a great night, God knows you deserve it,

Bob

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From: Peter Anderson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: 500 is OK for a start

Good day Mr Bob,

I hope your team won. It is good news about the order. 500 pots would be no problem for us here and you can promise Frank that they will be put together in our best factory. We are going to give you a credit facility here at UNION VENTURES as we know that Frank is a good businessman and character. We are also going to award you a 10% discount. So all we need right now is a deposit of $20 a pot and you can pay the balance later. That is $10,000 for now.

Peter Anderson

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From: Bob Servant

To: Peter Anderson

Subject: 2,000 POTS!

Peter, I just had a quick drink with Frank at Jolly's. He was having a great run on the Andy Capp fruit machine so it was hard to get his full attention but what he did say was –

‘Bob, tell your man in Africa to get the guys in for a double shift because I am ready to put in an order that will blow his socks off'.

He then said, to my utter astonishment, that he need 2,000 pots by the
end of the month! He has just agreed his budget with the council for doing a major reworking of Dawson Park. They're getting rid of the tennis courts and he is going to replace it with –

‘FRANK'S WORLD OF POTS'.

There are going to be 2,000 pots filled with different things. Some plants but also surprises like chocolate bars, yo-yos, jazz mags and Chinese food. Passers-by will pay £2 and put their hand in any pot they choose and see what they come up with.

It's a fantastic idea that is really going to shake things up over here. There is no doubt that this is going to take a lot of custom away from the swimming baths, the bowling club and, please God, the Limbo Walking Club who are a bunch of idiots.