Read Delete This at Your Peril Online
Authors: Bob Servant
Bob
IMAGE REMOVED
49
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From: Natalia
To: Bob Servant
Subject: I think of you
Lovely Bob,
With pleasure has read your letter and your lovely photo. Your letter was such warm, that has kindled ice of loneliness, which by a heavy cargo laid on my heart. I love to dance and I dream that sometime I shall dance a waltz together with you. It will look so romantically. You imagine, in a black tuxedo, me in a white dress we softly addressed to each other in eyes. You would like to dance with me a waltz?
Bob, yesterday my grandmother was pleased with the dinner I to prepare. She consider that I should be the cook. It is very pleasant for me
and to see that she is not so sick today. On this optimistic note I finish the letter,
Natalia.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Natalia
Subject: CHAPPY COMES UP TRUMPS AGAIN
Natalia,
A photo?! Christ, cameras in Russia must be pretty basic. I loved your waltz fantasy. I would give everything that I own to dance a waltz with you at a big fancy do full of big wigs. Imagine, my dear - you in a cocktail dress and myself in an old, ill-fitting tuxedo far too tight around my bottom that hitched half-way up my shins as I walked, and made it difficult for me to breathe.
Picture us dancing â you trying some special Russian moves you learnt at your dance class and me sweating heavily and shuffling around the place suspiciously as I cough up blood and stand with my hands on my knees, panting and swearing loudly. It would be so beautiful Natalia, a real fairy-tale ending to this whole courting business.
Oh Natalia, what's it all about? I'm so bored today I nearly watched Doctors on BBC1. I'd love to know how many people top themselves immediately after watching Doctors â I bet there's bloody hundreds. I said this the other day to Tommy Peanuts at Stewpot's and he said that this was irony, but then Chappy Williams went all angry saying that wasn't irony at all and how people are always calling stuff ironic that isn't and the two of them had a right old barney while I played the quiz machine.
After they'd calmed down we talked about what programmes we thought people might have watched before topping themselves. I said Doctors or the Jeremy Kyle Show. Tommy said Celebrity Ballroom Dancing. Chappy said Crimewatch because if the person saw themselves on it and realised that the game was up then they'd maybe just kill themselves. I thought that was pretty clever, but Chappy's not a stupid guy. He wears glasses. Any thoughts at your end?
All the best,
Bob
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From: Natalia
To: Bob Servant
Subject: I'm not lonely
Hi my lovely friend Bob.
I with the large pleasure have read your letter. I hope that you do not have problems with health and that's all right at job. My grandmother has bad health and I do not want you, my other kindness, to suffer also. I today have visited church and has put a candle, that you always were accompanied with good luck. I also put candle for my grandmother. I must go now to care for her.
Yours, Natalia.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Natalia
Subject: Triple Decker
Natalia,
How's tricks badgerface? I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother. I hope she doesn't get ill in such a way that would mean you'd have to ask me for a few quid. Though I'm sure that won't happen. What you thinking for dinner? I'm going to pop out for a quick couple of liveners then am tempted to head up to Khan's for a triple decker â Shish kebab on top of Donner kebab on top of chips. Then I cover the lot in mayonnaise and pour it down the front of my pants while the waiters massage my bare back and sing âSome guys have all the luck'.
Your Servant,
Bob Servant
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From: Natalia
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Bob!
Greetings Bob
It sounds nice what you will do but there is a drama here now. My grandmother is in hospital in a critical condition. The doctor gives us the list which we should buy medicines and have told, that it should buy all immediately. To grandmother should perform operation. And we do not have money to perform this operation.
Hospitals in the country poor and there not anything there, are not present even tie up also bed-clothes. The doctor has told, that it he helps, all than can, but it he cannot to buy it directly. If we do not buy
everything, that it he has told in time, that grandmother die. I do not know, that I then shall make, mine grandmother most the best person in my life.
I in such mad condition a condition that I seem that this dream. It cannot be. Mine grandmother can die on my eyes. We have already spent all money which we had for this purpose. Sold and incorporated everything, that were capable.
You can help us, mine are loved favourite the person, except for you at me not who is not present, you to me the closest person. I cannot leave abandon my grandmother, help me please my love. I very much strongly love you. And we required beside $450US more, and we do not know from where we can have it.
Natalia
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From: Bob Servant
To: Natalia
Subject: In Your Time of Darkness Bob Servant Comes To Thee..
My Darling,
This is terrible, terrible news. Who could have seen this coming? It's a bolt from the blue Natalia, no doubt about it. Your Grandmother is a fantastic little chap. Tell her to be strong and, for all our sakes, to hang on. Becauseâ¦â¦â¦.I AM COMING TO SAVE YOU
That's right Natalia, I'm coming to Russia! It's what Obama would want. Yes we can. Tell me what medicines your Grandmother needs asap. I know a guy called Jimmy Golac that works in the chemist in the High Street. He only works out the back, taking in deliveries, but he sells boxes
of anti-depressants to taxi drivers (and Frank) down at Stewpot's Bar for a fiver. I'm sure he will be able to sort me out.
Also, does she have enough blankets? It is VERY IMPORTANT that she is warm enough in the hospital and I should imagine that at this time of year it's fucking freezing over there. I have got three blankets and a spare duvet. It's a Superman one (I got it free with coupons from 20 boxes of Frosties back in '95) and I have attached a photo. Let me know if you want me to bring it. Maybe she'll get superpowers!
The other thing I was thinking was how am I going to get about in Russia? I am worried that if I get a bus or taxi I could be kidnapped by terrorists. I was thinking that probably the most obvious suggestion was that I could use inline roller skates? I won a pair in a tombola at the Rotary Club Dinner in 2003 before I was thrown out the Club for an attempted coup d'etat. I've never used them but I think I could pick it up OK. I've put them in the photo as well.
I am going to the travel agents this afternoon. Yours with love and the deepest concern for your failing Grandmother. Can we save Natalia's grandmother? Yes we can.
Bob Servant x x
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From: Natalia
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Hello
Hello My Love Bob.
I am glad that you to want to arrive to me to Russia. But still, that to you to tell, Russia the dangerous country with terror and murder frequently to kidnap and then them not who does not find. Militiamen poorly badly work for us and allow gangsters. I see many people who are vagabonds or pumped up by drugs or that are the skinhead. These are very bad and terrible people. I ask you to think and make the correct decision well. Buying the medicine would be better and faster. It is just $450 and for a businessman like you this might be OK?
Natalia
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From: Bob Servant
To: Natalia
Subject: These Colours Don't Run
Natalia,
Russia sounds really terrible. I can understand your fear for me but I would be a coward of a man if I refused to come there just because I was a
scaredy cat. I am a tough man Natalia, a real hard nut, and I am going to take those mothers down. I am also very interested in your country, ever since watching films such as Russian Roulette, The Hunt for Red October and The Italian Job. I have enclosed photos of my tools for the trip. This is what I would bring to Russia to protect both myself, you and your IMMEDIATE family. (I'm not taken a hiding for cousins.)
Your grandmother is clearly the priority. Where do you live exactly Natalia, and do I need any jabs?
Bob
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From: Natalia
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Hello
Bob,
My grandmother is very sick, you must send the money for the medicine or the doctor says she will die. You can visit later to me or I come to your country. I have seen your country on TV and it pleases me. For now we must have $450US for medicine. You must show you are serious.
Please quick
Natalia
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From: Bob Servant
To: Natalia
Subject: Can we save Natalia's grandmother? No we can't.
Natalia,
I have some bad news on several fronts. I bumped into Cruncher McKenzie this morning. Yes, that Cruncher McKenzie. He was walking his Alsation (Cruncher Junior) and I had a wee chat with him about my Russian plan. I said I was planning on going out there and that things could get a bit hairy. He said that he didn't think it was a good idea. I told him about the hammer, the itching powder and the penknife and he said that he didn't think that would be enough. He said the Russians were bampots, worse than Fifers. Now, Natalia, when Cruncher McKenzie tells you something is dangerous, then you do well to listen.
I had a good think about it on the bus home and I have decided, reluctantly, that I can't come to Russia and, frankly, I shouldn't let myself get wrapped up in the whole sorry mess. I hope that you and your grandmother get through this, I'm sure you will as you are a tough couple of blighters. Just remember â
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
Ooooh baby.
50
Yours,
Bob Servant
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From: Natalia
To: Bob Servant
Subject: re: Can we save Natalia's grandmother? No we can't.
I do not believe that you are serious.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Natalia
Subject: re: Can we save Natalia's grandmother? No we can't.
I share your suspicions.
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NO REPLY/THE END
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45
. An edition of the
Broughty Ferry Gazette
from April 16 1990 carries an article entitled âBroughty Man in Windowcleaning Boast'. The article reports â âLocal fast food tycoon Bob Servant claims that his new windowcleaning round is the largest in Western Europe'. âIt's so long' suggests Servant in the article, âwe have to change our watches halfway through because we lose an hour.' A representative from the Tayside Chamber of Commerce is quoted âThis isn't even the biggest windowcleaning round in Tayside. Servant is an exhibitionist'. Servant responds that the spokesman is a âyes man' and âhas lost touch with the man in the street'.
46
. The leader article of the
Broughty Ferry Gazette
of 3 November 2008 was entitled âObama is our Man(a)'.