Delete This at Your Peril (25 page)

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From: Natalia

To: Bob Servant

Subject: I'm interesting you…

Hi Bob.

How you today? I am glad, that you have found time to write. Thanks for your picture, me to like. Bob, you there is a hat, unfortunately I never carried a hat and I to not have such pictures. I am sorry Bob. I send you new picture accepted in my house. I hope, that you with pleasure find time to answer to me, as your letters bring to me pleasure.

What sports you like?

What films you prefer to look?

From sports I prefer of volleyball and aerobic. Bob, what you think of these kinds of sports?

Bob, I think, that man likes fast driving the automobile. Dear, you have the automobile?

What stamps of automobiles you prefer?

I hope, that you find time to answer my letter. I shall wait for it with pleasure.

Yours Natalia.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Natalia

Subject: NO HAT REQUIRED YOU BEAUTIFUL WOMAN!

Natalia,

Straight off the bat, don't worry about the hat situation. After seeing your new photo I think that a hat would only ruin your beautiful face and neck. I have answered all your questions below and have added two of mine at the bottom for you to answer. Just one day till the election now Natalia and, my God, I think he's going to do it.

Bobbers

ANSWERS TO YOUR WONDERFUL QUESTIONS

Hi Bob. How you today?

I'm fine Natalia. I'm ‘getting by'.

What sports you like?

I like bowling, darts, dominoes and skirt.

What films you prefer to look?

I like James Bond films and anything with a good twist or brief nudity.

From sports I prefer of volleyball and aerobic. Bob, what you think of these kinds of sports?

Natalia, I think they are shite sports.

Dear, you have the automobile?

You'd better believe it Natalia. I have a Godzilla Monkey 501, one of the biggest jeeps ever made. It is red and I need a bloody stepladder to get into it. I have attached a photo. What do you think?

What stamps of automobiles you prefer?

If I had eight apples and I ate three but then someone gave me two more then how many would I have?

Sometimes when I'm watching the TV and drinking wine I think the curtains are talking to me. Is this possible or am I just imagining it?

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From: Natalia

To: Bob Servant

Subject: I'm glad to you

Dear Bob.

I am glad, that you have time to answer my letter. Each day I wait your letter more. Bob, you to have the remarkable automobile and I think that you look in him fine. I have never seen yet such automobiles here in Russia. Bob, I do not understand initially your question. Concerning the apples, I do not understand your riddle, but if I correctly to understand you would have seven apples. It is correct? I do not know about the curtains at all.

Yes I will be watching the election in America of television with my grandmother but excuse me if I am wrong, but today I am afflicted with that one of the homeless people, which I looked after, has died. He had incurable illness. I hope, that our help brought to him pleasure. I always dream of scientists creating medicines for incurable illnesses. As the death of the people is a large sincere pain. I hope that the people will live all over the world better. Now I shall go on training on sports dances after that I shall go home.

Only yours

Natalia.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Natalia

Subject: It's Obama time

Natalia,

A big ‘American Howdy'!

A few hours to go! I'm excited there's no doubt about it. Whoever wins could really shake things up and I wish we were over in America to soak it all in. What I wouldn't give to be sitting behind the wheel of a Cadillac in America with you Natalia. I'm not sure if we'd be allowed to vote. I know for example that people from Fife are not allowed to vote outside Fife because they'd probably get lost on the way home.
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But either way we'd drive to the polling booths to meet the people and then on to a drive-in movie and then a burger bar where the girls would serve us on roller skates (I wouldn't really be looking though). By Christ, we'd have some night. I'd probably end up wearing the roller skates, being towed by you in the Cadillac, both of us with our tops off and laughing like idiots.

It's hard for me to get a real debate about the election going in Stewpot's bar. They're a bunch of halfwits and aren't taking it seriously. Frank is backing Obama because he fancies his wife and Slim Smith is supporting McCain because of how good his frozen chips are.

I'm an Obama man, no doubt about it, but I must say I thought it was a bit much that he got to do that special half hour television thingy. It struck a bit of a nerve from when I went up against Archie for the presidency of the bowling club. He had a pal at the
Broughty Ferry Gazette
and on the day of the vote they did a two page spread of him at home with his family.

It was pathetic stuff, all about how he was a family man and wanted to spread family values about the bowling club.
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You didn't have to be a genius to see what they were saying. It was a clear dig about me and the main policies of my campaign. Especially Bob's Saucy Singles Hour (midnight on Saturdays with the floodlights off) and Wonderbra Wednesdays.

The paper even threw in a scare story that I was wanting to sell my cheeseburgers inside the club which was total bollocks. Maybe I'd have stuck a van in the car park but that would have been it. Needless to say Archie romped home and the club's not been the same since. But that's
politics Natalia, that's what it does to people. Let's hope neither candidate pulls a trick like that tonight.

Thinking of you (not in a seedy way),

Bob

PS I am so sorry to hear about the homeless man dying. Well done, though, on bravely dancing your worries away. And you're bang on the money with the apples.

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From: Natalia

To: Bob Servant

Subject: My Lovely

Bob,

Today I have risen with thoughts of you also. I wish very much to join you in this talk of America. I will watch the election tonight and think of you all the time. I hope it is to be President Obama for you! My grandmother and I often speak that I would be the good wife. I dream of caring of you and to bring pleasure in your life.

I hope, what you Bob have the same sights on me. My grandmother and I talk every day. She is world to me. I shall think of you for the election tonight.

Natalia.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Natalia

Subject: A historical day

Natalia,

Obama's in the White House and Frank's in the Dog House. He's got a real thing for Obama's missus and for me he completely spoilt Stewpot's Election Night Party. Stewpot put in a lot of effort too. He had a big tray of hotdogs which he would bring out from the under the bar whenever Slim Smith went to the toilet, and he was even wearing a baseball cap.

But then Obama's wife came on the screen and Frank started trying to make all these jokes. At first it was OK, it was just stuff like – she'd get my vote, or now that's what I call a candidate, or she's my First Lady. But then he started trying to do jokes around ‘the ayes have it', hanging chads, and ballot boxes and Stewpot quite rightly sent him out to the car park to cool off.

Other than that, it was a momentous day and we were all very happy. Chappy said it's a bit like when Broughty Ferry Bowling club first started
letting in members from Monifieth. He said for the first few years it was an apartheid system. The Monifieth boys would go and change round the back in the bramble bushes and they'd never get a slot on Saturday mornings.

But then one morning a guy from Monifieth called Ronnie Parkes walked right into the men's changing room, took out his trainers and said, “I'm changing right here”. No one could believe it, but from then on everyone came to their senses and allowed the Monifieth boys full membership. I've always said that when I see a bowler, I see a bowler, I don't care where they're from and I like to think that it's only a few extremists that would disagree with me.

If only the whole world could take a leaf out of the Bowling Club's book then maybe there wouldn't be so many scraps. Tell me Natalia, did you and your grandmother have a good night together? Now that the election is over, then maybe we should cut to the chase. You know what I'm saying don't you? I like you Natalia and I'm damn sure you like me. Let's take a leaf from Obama's book shall we? Can we be together? Yes we can.

Bob

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From: Natalia

To: Bob Servant

Subject: My abilities

Hi Bob!

Thank you. The election was exciting. My work is finished earlier and I, having written to you this letter, I shall prepare for a dinner for my favourite grandmother. My grandmother is sick a little and today to me to prepare a dinner like she taught me. Today I shall prepare the chinese hen and vegetable salad. Probably you Bob, love the tasty foodstuffs. We have proverb; “the way to heart of the man – passes through his stomach!” Therefore Bob, I shall reach to your heart with the help of my culinary abilities. It is a joke!!! Now I go on kitchen. I hope, my grandmother will be pleased. She is a little sick and I am scared some for her. With melancholy and ideas on you,

Natalia.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Natalia

Subject: Your Granny is Hen Mad

Natalia,

This is definitely the last thing I'll say on Obama (because we need to start
seriously discussing our future) but it's great to read how importantly he's going to take the environment. That is something very close to my heart. Broughty Ferry is a beautiful place and I have always said that it should be protected. Now, the boo boys would maybe have a wee pop at me for saying that. They'd probably start talking about how I used to empty the fat tray into the harbour from the cheeseburgers van but I did that as a public service. The kids used to absolutely love the patterns that the oil made in the water. Fair enough, they got pretty upset when that swan died, but no-one ever proved the connection as far as I'm concerned.

By the way, thanks a lot for that joke. It was absolutely top class. If you keep them coming then we'll get along just fine. I hope that your meal with your grandmother went well. She sounds like a real character and I'm sure she enjoyed her Chinese hen. She bloody loves that stuff and she always has. I remember one time she was getting stuck into a massive bowl of Chinese hen and I said to her - “You're going to turn into a hen one of these days” and she looked up, with Chinese hen all over her face and said, “Fuck off Bob”. But that's her all over, she's just very good fun. And she loves eating hens. I have attached a photo of a Scottish Hen, remember when he bought the bubble car?!