Delete This at Your Peril (19 page)

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From: Bob Servant

To: Dr. Mamadou Kouassi

Subject: What have you done to me?

Marmalade,

I have just landed in Dhaka and, quite frankly, I am absolutely furious with you. Why the hell did you tell me that you lived in Dhaka if you wanted me to come to Senegal? I've wound up in Bangladesh. As if things can't get any worse, you and Youssou told me to wear this bloody outfit. It's absolutely fucking roasting here. I feel like my balls are on fire, the lycra is stuck fast and I'm losing the circulation to my legs. I have booked into a hotel and am going to stay overnight while I work out what to do next. Is there any way that you can get a flight over here and meet me? Christ, I wish I'd brought other clothes.

Bob

PS Is Randy ok?

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From: Dr. Mamadou Kouassi

To: Bob Servant

Subject: From Dr. Mamadou

Dear Bob,

Mamadou. I thank you for your mail. I myself is totally confused and I do not know what to do but the only advice I am giving is to board now from the Dhaka back to Paris France and stop at their international air port and then enter Air France or any flight that is coming to DAKAR CAPITAL OF SENEGAL in West Africa immediately without wasting time.

My friend do not be discouraged it is the mistake that you made because i always specify everything right from the begining till today, so more grease to your elbow, just keep on. I got information that Mr Randy arrived and the GENDARMERIE told me it now looks like JIMJAMS will pay up all the money he stole from you and the American Randy Whyting. I advice you start coming and keep me posted but concerning
your clothes if they are now no good then we go directly to purchase new materials.

Awaiting your reply urgently.

By now.

Dr. Mamadou Kouassi.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Dr. Mamadou Kouassi

Subject: Things are picking up

Marmalade,

How are you my friend? I am having a great time here in Dhaka. At first I wasn't too happy (as you probably noticed!) but I decided to give it a chance and I'm really glad I did. Last night I went to a bar and, well, I've kind of met someone.

His name is KAZI and he works at the bar as a bouncer. His English is quite good and we got to chatting and I guess it just clicked. I don't want to get carried away, but I must admit that I do really, really like him. He is a strong man who is not scared to give his opinions and I admire that. He is also a sensational lover.

I am going to stay here with KAZI for a while. The two of us are hiring a caravan tomorrow and he is taking me on a tour of his country. He wants to take me to his hometown and show me off. Imagine someone wanting to show off silly old Bob! Oh Doctor Marmalade, am I being a fool? Is there such a thing as love at first sight or is KAZI playing me for a bellend? Here is a photo of KAZI. I hope you like him, I'm crazy about the big lump.

I will keep you posted, wish me luck!

Bob

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From: Dr. Mamadou Kouassi

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Are you coming or not?

Dear Bob,

Thank you for your mail and i will like to welcome you in my country here DAKAR IN SENEGAL WEST AFRICA but tell me when i will be expecting you? Or can you send just £500 now through Western Union and I will hold your money for you with no further charges? Your friend can come to DAKAR with you.

Awaiting your reply.

Dr Mamadou.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Dr. Mamadou Kouassi, Youssou Ba, Randy Whyting

Subject: Look out your party gear!

Bob and Kazi's Special Day

You're invited!

Host-Bob and Kazi

Location Dhaka Church, Dhaka High Street, Dhaka

Time-Saturday, June 24, 12:00pm

Gentlemen of Senegal and America. My newly found man of my dreams, Kazi, and I would like to invite you to our wedding here in Dhaka. If it was not for you I would never have found myself here and would not have met Kazi at the Happy Kiss Bar. It would be fantastic if the three of you could make it to the wedding next Saturday. The dress code is OuTRAGEOuS. We want the day to be a celebration of our love and a really good knees-up. I hope that you can get time off from the hospital and the police station, and that Randy can extend his trip. It won't be the same without the three of you because you're such distinctive, completely separate characters.

Yours forever,

Bob

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NO REPLY/THE END

 

30
. Bob is presumably referring to the nearby North Sea oilfields. Employees of the oil companies pay national rates of taxation. The suggestion that they spend time fishing and sunbathing, on one hundred metre high oil rigs stationed halfway to Norway, is frankly ridiculous.

31
. Monifieth's bread thieves, or thieves of any nature, are not required to dress in such a manner following capture. Doing so would likely be seen as a cheap attempt at claiming diminished responsibility.

32
. The ‘Services Offered' column of the
Broughty Ferry Gazette
contained an advertisement every Saturday for the first few months of 2008 entitled ‘Cuddles and Maybe More?' ‘Calling all Lonely Skirt' the advert declared, ‘A local late 50s/early 60s gigolo is now available. Strong arms, spotless bunnet, beautiful singing voice. Treat yourself. Rates Negotiable'. An advertisement on Saturday April 23rd announced: ‘Gigolo no Longer Available'. ‘Local late 50s/early 60s gigolo is no longer available' it reads. ‘This is NOT due to lack of interest. I am leaving with my head held high. Whoever I am'. An advertisement on Saturday April 30th is titled ‘To Gigolo Bob, Thanks Anyway'. ‘Happy retirement wishes to the local unused gigolo Bob Servant of Harbour View Road', it reads. ‘All the best from the boys at Stewpot's Bar'. The advertisement is then signed by eighteen men.

33
. The staff of Dundee's Ninewells Zoo are both highly trained and dedicated. The idea that one would accept a bribe of alcohol (or anything else for that matter) to look the other way while members of the public borrowed a lion is outrageous.

34
. For me, this is the most outlandish note in the entire, sorry collection of Bob Servant's emails. The idea that he could operate a Blackberry device is complete insanity. He covers his microwave with a blanket while it's operating and was told by Chappy Williams that he could only make mobile phone calls from within public phoneboxes, a practice he maintained for nearly the whole of 2002.

From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD

To: Bob Servant

Subject: JOB OPPORTUNITY/ MAKE MORE INCOME

Dear Sir/Madam,

We are Lanzhou Global, a specialist in the production of Rubber belts such as power transmission belts, conveyor belts etc. We have reached big sales volume of rubber products in USA/Canada and now trying to penetrate the United Kingdom and European market. Quite soon we shall open representative offices in the United Kingdom and therefore we are looking for people to assist us.

We need agents to receive payment in bank wire transfers and to resend the money to us. You earn 10% from each operation and work as an independent contractor right from your home office. Your job is absolutely legal. You can earn up to 3000–4000 pounds monthly.

Best Regards,

Admin/Human Resources Manager, Xiong Li.

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From: Bob Servant

To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD

Subject: OK, let's talk

Hello there

This looks very interesting indeed. My name is Bob Servant and I am a semi-retired window cleaner. How would I go about applying for this job?

Your Servant,

Bob Servant

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From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD

To: Bob Servant

Subject: JOB OPPORTUNITY/ MAKE MORE INCOME

Dear Bob,

Thanks for responding to our offer. We are pleased with your interest. We are looking to extend our business to United Kingdom and have been facing difficulties in handling payments from our client, that is why we have decided to employ people over there whom we can trust. Do you understand our aims OK? Do not hesitate to ask any question.

XIONG LI

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From: Bob Servant

To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD

Subject: MY GARAGE COULD BE AN OFFICE

Xiong,

I am very interested in working for your company. I have a big garage that I do not use much and I was thinking that I could convert it into an office? The only thing is that it is absolutely freezing in there because I knocked a hole in the wall once when I decided that I needed an escape tunnel from the house. Looking back it was a stupid decision but it was around the time of the Millennium Bug and a lot of people were panicking. I remember wee Jane at Mrs. Muffn's being too scared to use their till on New Year's Day because Chappy Williams told her it might explode.

There isn't much in the garage – just a bike, a barbecue and about 30,000 jazz mags.

Many thanks,

Bob

PS What would be my job title?

PPS Is there a uniform?

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From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Re: MY GARAGE COULD BE AN OFFICE

Hello Bob,

Thanks a lot. Listen Bob this job does not require your much time or space. It's lucrative but all we need is you handling and collecting payments from our clients. You do not need a uniform for this and get 10% of each payment. You can give yourself any title you want. Please give us your full personal and banking details so we can get started with this now Bob,

Thanks,

Xiong

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From: Bob Servant

To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD

Subject: Thoughts on a uniform

Xiong,

I am an old-fashioned kind of man and as far as I'm concerned if you are working then you wear a uniform, it's as simple as that. Perhaps it would
be possible for me to arrange a uniform over here and show you to see if it ties in with your corporate image? What kind of look do you go for yourself? Do you wear a suit or a branded tracksuit?

I want something tight, that's vital. It makes me feel alert. I remember when I still had the windowcleaning round. Whenever we had a bumper day I used to wear two pairs of pants, tight ones too and sometimes stick a dishcloth down there as well. I walked about the place like a bloody cowboy but it really put me in the zone. I remember the boys down at Toshy's Hardware used to encourage me. One time a few of them stuck me in the shop window and managed to get eight towels down my pants and trousers while everyone clapped outside.
³⁵

With regards to the information you need about old Bob here, can you please be a bit more specific. I have had a long and fruitful life Xiong, and if I'm going to open that can of worms then God only knows what could pop out! Your new employee, a proud member of the Lanzhou Team,

The Big Man,

Bob Servant

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From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD To:

Bob Servant

Subject: APPLICATION FORM

Hello Big Man!