Delete This at Your Peril (12 page)

Hope you're having a nice weekend. It's raining cats and dogs here. Good weather for ducks!

Bob

----------------------------------

From: Colin Jackson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Thank You

Thanks Bob,

It's a pleasure hearing from you, I am truly flattered. I have not many paintings of ships but I do have one that is below.
¹⁹
Do you like it? Let me know what you think and also if you are still going to work with me as a cashier or a customer? It is a cashier I need but I will not turn down a customer! lol sounds funny Bob.

Thanks again for your mail looking for your reply.

Colin

----------------------------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Colin Jackson

Subject: A Proposition

Colin,

That is absolutely enchanting - a sleepy harbour scene on a summer's morning, if I may be so bold! It is so life-like Colin, I feel like stripping naked and diving through my computer screen into the water, though I'm so drunk I'd probably miss and end up wedged in the bin. That would be just my bloody luck.

I would prefer a slightly different painting. As I touched on before, there is something else I should tell you. You see, Colin, I used to be in the Merchant Navy. It was during my wilderness years before I hit the glory days of the cheeseburger vans. That much is true but in actual fact I never set foot on a boat.

I was dismissed after two weeks' training for a misunderstanding. On our last lesson a female instructor was talking us through some First Aid. With it being the last day, spirits were running high and one thing led to another and I put my hand up the instructor's skirt. It was just a bit of harmless fun Colin (I only waved it about up there to get some laughs, no funny business), and this was the late 1970s so you'd think it would have all blown over but the fuckers said it was out of order and kicked me out.
²⁰

Anyway, when I talk to the boys in the bars of Broughty Ferry I have occasionally exaggerated my Merchant Navy career. I've told them all sorts - that I captained my own ship called ‘Bob's Beauty', that I had a Chinese wife and that I once knocked out a shark off the coast of Jamaica with a head butt.

What I would love is a painting where there is a man in quite a big boat but you can't see his face? Then I could say that it is a painting of me in ‘Bob's Beauty' from the late 1970s. Maybe you could paint some flares on the man. What do you think? I have a fair bit of money stashed away for situations like this, which arise a lot more than you'd expect.

Bob Servant

----------------------------------

From: Colin Jackson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: I could do this

Ok Bob,

Really a funny story bob, what you are asking for is not impossible i can do it for you, with your name printed on it like you said ‘Bob's Beauty' but its going to cost you quite a lot of money for such a thing.

It is not a problem for me but you have to pay part of the money in advance to assure me that you will pick it up so my effort won't be wasted. so if you wish then send me the following –

Your picture that you will like to see on the painting

The color combination that you wish

The advance of $1000 then the balance of $1500 when your painting gets to you

I will be updating you on how the work progresses. The money should be sent through Western Union. I will be waiting for your mail,

Colin

----------------------------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Colin Jackson

Subject: Anything kicking about your studio?

Colin,

Great to hear from you. I'd love to get this painting on the go but I worry that if you paint the thing from scratch then it will take bloody ages. I'm having a ‘Pernod and Push-ups Party' in a fortnight and I'd really like the painting for that. Do you have a painting of a man on a boat that we can just pretend is me? Maybe it's in the distance so people would not know? If so, then I could just buy that,

Bob

----------------------------------

From: Colin Jackson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: I have one

Hello Bob,

Really do not have the exact painting you are looking for but something close to that, picture below. Let me know what you think. I am happy to sell it but it is a little expensive.
²¹

Thanks

----------------------------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Colin Jackson

Subject: Bob Looking out to sea

Colin,

That is perfect. I think we could call it ‘Bob Looking Out To Sea' and say it shows me looking out from the bridge of Bob's Beauty, looking for icebergs perhaps? What do you think? Does that sound believable to you?

One thing I noticed was that, in the silhouette of my image I am wearing a floppy hat. I don't think that this is what a captain would wear and attach a photo of a more appropriate hat for the final image.

Your friend,

Bob

----------------------------------

From: Colin Jackson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: You must decide

Hey Bob,

It will be a lot of work for me to edit the hat on the already made painting with the one you have sent me, is almost a new job so Bob but I will do. Let me know so we can save time instead of this stress. If you wanted a new painting it would have been almost ready by now! So make up your mind and let me know.

Thanks

Colin

----------------------------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Colin Jackson

Subject: Painting

Colin,

Maybe I should go for the existing painting. I could tell people that the reason I was wearing the floppy hat was because it was taken during my break? What do you think? Would you believe that? And, more importantly, would you believe that if you were a woman Colin?

I am desperate to fix something up on the skirt front because Tommy Peanuts recently got together with Daphne Silverstone, the barmaid at Stewpot's Bar. Daphne, I must admit, is a real diamond. She's not as
young as she was (she's 68) but my God she still has them hanging over the bar down at Stewpot's. I'm sometimes one of the hangers myself! She does all sorts of shit, leaning over for the peanuts like she doesn't know why we order them, or making saucy comments that send us wild.

Whenever someone orders an apple juice she'll give it – ‘Oooh, I feel quite fruity myself', and do that thing where you pretend your eyeballs are rolling backwards into your head. Or if a punter asks if they do sandwiches she'll say, ‘Ooooh, are you asking if you can nibble on my buns?' and do the old double-point at her boobs
²²
while everyone cheers and bangs their glasses on the bar.

It's all basic, knockabout stuff but with Daphne it just doesn't seem tacky, do you know what I mean? Anyway, Tommy has somehow squired himself up with Daphne and he is ABSOLUTELY BLOODY LOVING IT. Christ, he's walking about the Ferry like he's John Wayne and he keeps pretending to have a bad back just so he can wink and make some rude comment about how he got it.

So the pressure's on old Bob here to come up with something. And I think this painting could be my way in.

Bob

----------------------------------

From: Colin Jackson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Yes I would believe this for sure

Hey Bob,

I think that's exactly what you should tell them, that the picture was taken during a break. Anybody will believe that. Women as well, and this painting will be a big help on you find your own Daphne. Are we now agreed? I can do a special deal but you will have to pay in advance.

Colin

----------------------------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Colin Jackson

Subject: YES YOU'RE RIGHT COLIN

Hi Colin,

I think you're right. No-one can see my face or anything like that so as far as they're concerned there's no reason why the figure in the painting shouldn't be me. Even captains have to take breaks sometimes. Also, I
was thinking I could buy a hat like the one in the painting and start wearing it about so if anyone at the party said it wasn't me I could say ‘Of course it is, you must have seen me wearing this hat?' and pull it out and they'd have no choice but to agree.

Colin, I would love to see a photo of you at work on a painting or in a studio, is this possible? I'm not being nosey! I just love artists and it would be fantastic to see you at work?

Many thanks,

Bobby

----------------------------------

From: Colin Jackson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Myself in studio

Hello Bob,

How are you doing? I am OK just been a little busy with work. You should know i am a busy man . . . lol.

My pictures at work attached below,
²³
then i would really like to make a fresh painting of you in Bob's Beauty? You must finally make up your mind once and for all and tell me what you think i am not always able to check my mail. Looking for your mail. ASAP.

Thanks

Colin

----------------------------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Colin Jackson

Subject: Painting Final Order!

Colin,

Great to hear from you and thank you so much for those pictures. I love seeing you working, you look as if you are totally lost in the moment, adrift in the world of art.

I have decided! I want a large painting of the image you have shown me, with ‘Bob' (wink wink!) looking out to sea. I would like it framed in a gold frame, or one that looks gold (wink wink!) and underneath I would like the inscription –

‘Captain Bob Servant bravely looks out from the bridge of Bob's Beauty. Valentines Day, 1978, somewhere in the Indian Ocean.'
and then, underneath that, the quotation:

'The Sea Could Not Take Him, No Woman Could Tame Him, No Mountain Too Tall, No River Too Deep, Deep Like His Heart. Bob Servant, Simply The Best. Rocking All Over The World'.

Does that all sound OK? I would like the painting to be done in a gloss finish and to measure 2m long and around 1.5m high as that would look magic above my second sofa. I am very excited by this Colin, very excited indeed.

Bob

PS I had a bit of a debate with Chappy Williams at the Eagle Inn last night Colin. As an artist, do you think in words or pictures? I said I thought you would think in pictures but Chappy said that was a load of shite?

----------------------------------

From: Colin Jackson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: OK

Hello Bob,

Thanks again. All the same artist speak both in words and pictures. Remember we have our home, friends, family and social life to live so we speak only in pictures when we are at work Bob! Then about your painting i will do the art work and all the words you want me to print on it sounds OK because it makes you look like a brave captain or rather a hero, lol.

I looking forward to get your mail ASAP and it very important that you send your advance through Western Union so I can get started on Bob's Beauty!

Then the job will be ready within 12 days.

Have a super day,

Colin

----------------------------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Colin Jackson

Subject: You have missed the point entirely

Hi Colin,

I did not mean you would speak in pictures, I was asking if you THINK in pictures. If I was to walk up to you in the street and whisper ‘mmmm, hello Colin, you look good', then would you think in words ‘BOB THINKS I LOOK
GOOD' or would you see YOURSELF as a PICTURE, looking the best that you can? That is what I am interested in. Is it different for you, as an artist?

Bob

----------------------------------

From: Colin Jackson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: I now understand Bob

Ok Bob,

I got your mail its alright, I will commence with the Job as soon as you send the advance.

Yes Bob we do think in pictures, I have spent more than 90% of my adulthood in studios painting and thinking of what my customers will appreciate making it as real as possible. When I go shopping with my wife i often stare at things that are around me, imagining them in pictures and dreaming of making paintings of everything I see.