Delete This at Your Peril (5 page)

Best regards

Jean Kitson

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From: Bob Servant

To: Jean Kitson

Subject: Eh?

Jean,

Thank you for your help but that is no good. I do not need a job, what I need is a lawyer and I need one urgently. I'd use Pop Wood but the guy's legal qualifications are only currently recognised in various Broughty Ferry bars.

Good luck for the future,

Thanks,

Bob

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From: Jean Kitson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: I already contacted my attorney

No Bob,

I already contacted my attorney just didn't tell you what he said because I thought you wanted a job. He is willing to come help you at the court so you can be free without charges but he will need you to send him his ticket fee and also pay up front some of the amount to be paid in total after the case is done. Are you also here in the UK, or in another country? Let me know so i can tell the attorney.

Best Regards

Jean Kitson

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From: Bob Servant

To: Jean Kitson

Subject: OK

Yes, I am in the UK, up in Scotland. Can you please tell me what the attorney's idea is for my defence? Personally, I think it is very important that I had the sack over my head at the time of the so-called sexual assault. I could not see so how could I have known where the hose was going to go? X-ray specs?

Bob

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From: Jean Kitson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: He said he will fill a document

Bob,

OK he said he will fill a document that shows you were not feeling good then and that you didn't do it intentionally, he said that will work. The travelling fee to Scotland isnt much, about £950 plus the upfront money of the case which is all together about £3000. Hope to hear from you soon so I know what to tell the Attorney. Stay safe,

Jean Kitson

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From: Bob Servant

To: Jean Kitson

Subject: Chopper?

Jean,

£950 to get to Scotland? Is he coming by fucking helicopter? I think it would be best if you put me in touch with him directly please,

Thank you for your help,

Bob

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From: Jean Kitson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: His email

His email is
                                      
and his name is Tim Sanderson. Email him directly,

Regards

Jean Kitson

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From: Bob Servant

To: Tim Sanderson

Subject: Hello there

Howdy,

I believe that Jean Kitson has explained my case to you, I am looking for a lawyer to come and defend me on some trumped up charges. If you are interested in my case, then please tell me what you think the best defence would be. If it sounds strong enough, I will retain you immediately,

All the best,

Bob Servant

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From: Tim Sanderson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Hello there

Hello Mr Servant,

Yes my client Jean has explained things. It would be best for me to come there so we can put our heads together. You'll have to send fees, then when I come we can talk about your problem. But to start with I'm a good Lawyer with first Class Upper professional degree so I believe I can get you out of this mess.

Just one good point I'll make now and the others you will wait till I come and we can talk better. From the mail Jean passed to me, I'll say you are at fault but suffered harassment for a long time. So, to get you out of this mess, a suggestion is putting up a genuine lie backed up with evidence which the court will accept. I'll tell the court you had a mental disorder for more than a month (it will match the time you started this trouble of yours) and will give them a letter from the psychiatrist hospital.

We therefore plead you didn't know what you were doing so all the harassment, embarrassment, and sexual harassment could be put to an end and the case could be stopped. Well, I think with just this point you are probably already convinced that I am capable to get you out of this?

Hope to hear from you soon, so we could make arrangement on how you are going to send me the money with your details and how to get to you,

Best Regards,

Lawyer T. Sanderson

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From: Bob Servant

To: Tim Sanderson

Subject: My defence

Tim,

I like your idea and I think it's just about crazy enough to work. However, I think I may have spotted a slight flaw. Where is the psychiatric hospital you'll get this letter from? It would maybe look a little strange for me to visit London to get my head examined?

By the way, that fucking postie is getting right on my tits again. He knows I can't touch him because of the court case so he's really rubbing my nose in it. When he delivers the mail he shouts stuff through the letterbox like, “Ooh, is this a letter from your boyfriend Bob?” and he sometimes scores out ‘Bob' on the letters and writes ‘Blob'. I just want to get him again but I have to stop myself because that will just get me in more trouble.

Bob

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From: Tim Sanderson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Just ignore him

Here is my number
                      
you can call me anytime. But Bob as for him getting on your nerves just ignore him. We will have to go to the nearest hospital to you, the one you are known better, that way it will be easy for us to get the letter.

Stay safe

Lawyer T. Sanderson

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From: Bob Servant

To: Tim Sanderson

Subject: Flowers for Jean

Hello Tim,

You're right of course, but it's hard to ignore him sometimes. This morning I heard a tapping on the window and when I opened it he was standing outside urinating all over my front lawn. He was absolutely loving it, spraying everywhere and laughing at me. I don't know how much more I can take before I do something that I regret. I would love to call you but my phone has been cut off because of a Booty Express mix-up. I hope to have it working in the next few days.

I can't go to the hospital here Tim, I'm banned after a misunderstanding back in '94. Dundee United won the Scottish Cup and I read in the paper about how the players had taken the cup to see some sick kids at the hospital. I'd been drinking Snowballs in the Ferry Inn with a couple of traffic wardens (who were on duty at the time!) and so I stupidly decided that I would go and help cheer up the kids.

I made what I thought was an exact origami copy of the Scottish Cup but was really a mess of beer mats and sellotape and went and caught the bus. By the time I got there I was struggling to see but I remember the receptionist telling me that she didn't think my visit would be appropriate. She asked me for my address which I thought was for a Thank You letter but a week later I got a banning order.
⁵
Not to worry, we can attack them in other ways. Do you agree, for example, we should stress the fact that when the whole hose thing happened, the sack was still over my head? I think this is absolutely vital.

Also, I would really like to send Jean a small gift. She's a classy lady and I don't want to look cheap, but I don't want her to think I'm trying it on. I've got enough to worry about without getting myself a bird! Perhaps she'd like this fun tracksuit?

Bob

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From: Tim Sanderson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Jean said you shouldn't bother

I talked to Jean she said you shouldn't bother, that I should say thank you and that she only did what she did because you needed help. When are you ready to send the money and when will I come?

Lawyer T. Sanderson

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From: Bob Servant

To: Tim Sanderson

Subject: Good old Jean

Tim,

Typical Jean! What a wonderful woman. No, I want to send her a present, it's only fair, please give me her address and I'll send some flowers. Otherwise, I have access to a pedalo that she may be interested in? The Harbour Police use these to patrol Broughty Ferry harbour and watch out for Communists.
⁶
Jean will have to pay the postage however, which I estimate would be around £1,000.

Anyway, I need to go and set myself up for the postie's arrival, I have a special plan for him this morning,

Bob

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From: Tim Sanderson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Jean said you shouldn't bother

Nevermind about Jean Bob, she did not want anything. I've warned you to leave the postie and not hurt him just ignore him. Look Bob, I won't be having time to reply to more of your mail until you pay the fees. This is suffering my other clients. Message me when you want me to come with your address and airport name, and you can mail the money,

Stay safe

Lawyer T. Sanderson

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From: Bob Servant

To: Tim Sanderson

Subject: I AM IN TROUBLE

Are you there?

Oh God what have I done?

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From: Tim Sanderson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Yes I am here

Yes Bob. How can I help?

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From: Bob Servant

To: Tim Sanderson

Subject: It's got a little spicy

Tim,

It's the postie Tim, the fucking postie. I have him trapped in the cupboard under the stairs. Don't ask me how it happened, all I know is that I got drunk and when I woke up I was lying down in the kitchen. I heard a bit of moaning that I followed and found him. I have taken a photo for you.

What am I going to do? He says that if I let him go he will not tell anyone but how can I trust him? Would you be able to email me a legal
form that he could sign which would say that he couldn't go to the police and tell them?

I know you said £3,000 but if you can get me out of this new scrape I will pay you £5,000 because now I am really worried. If he goes to the police then I think I could be done for kidnapping. I have been looking after him, feeding him jaffa cakes and putting a little radio beside him and he says that he will tell people it was all a misunderstanding, that we were playing a game of sardines and it just got out of hand. But can I trust him?

Please help me Tim, and don't be angry, I know I've been a fool.

Bob

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From: Tim Sanderson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: stay calm

I can help with this new situation but only if you pay half of my bills because it is now severe, thats my policy.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Tim Sanderson