Delete This at Your Peril (2 page)

He had an eclectic collection of associates who you will soon discover are in his thoughts to this day. There was a uniformed security guard, a local
lawyer who had been struck off and a group of traffic wardens who I'm sure were supposed to be working at the time. But more often than not, Bob's immediate company would be drawn from any combination of three men.

There was a small, sharp-faced man known as Tommy Peanuts who wore a suit with loosened tie, which did not seem to halt daytime excursions through the pubs of Broughty Ferry. He was quick with the cutting remark and often this would be aimed at an unknowing Bob's expense. I would feel a strange pang of shared betrayal when Tommy slipped in some mockery and Bob laughed innocently away.

Chappy Williams and Bob were locked in a love–hate relationship that clearly still rumbles along. The two should be brothers, such is the inherent rivalry as they compete for social standing in the bars of Broughty Ferry. This battle is generally waged through incredibly intricate practical jokes often taking days, if not weeks, in planning and execution.

And then there was, and is, Frank. A man referred to by Bob with, I believe, genuine fondness as Frank the Plank. As I gained increased access to Frank's company I realised very quickly that he wavers spectacularly on the very edge of sanity. Much of this is undoubtedly due to living next door to Bob. Whatever warped scheme or activity Bob is indulging in, you never have to look far to find Frank.

So that, for me, was Bob Servant. I moved away from Dundee, and a highlight of any return would be a chance meeting with Bob, for whom nothing ever really changed except the steady flow of ideas. He thought for a long time about opening a café, only to give up in fury when someone else did the same. He started another clean-up campaign which started and finished with him shopping a corrupt member of the local Limbo Walking Club to local press. He declared to myself and other astonished drinkers that he was going to buy a pair of ostriches and mate them in his garden (he never did).

But away from thwarted dreams, Bob had been doing something else. It was something that no one knew about and it was when I became the first person to be told that the relationship between Bob and myself changed forever.

***

As I sat reading a newspaper in a Broughty Ferry bar of an evening in early 2007, a familiar combination of reddened forehead and bunnet appeared above the page. It was Bob and he wanted to talk, but there was something different about him. There was none of his usual grandstanding and he employed a nervous whisper, darting his eyes around the pub in fear.

He confirmed that I was a writer and then slipped into a muddled explanation of some strange pursuit he had undertaken after winning a computer in a raffle at the local bowling club. He talked of Africans and
Russians, of emails and computers, and hinted at long nights of cheap wine and Internet exchanges.

‘I mean,' he said with a sly grin, ‘They're chancers, these people, Neil, real cowboys, but we've had some fun.'

Intrigued, I accepted bob's invitation to learn more. We walked through the darkened streets in near silence, with Bob occasionally attempting further description only to give up in frustration or an extended bout of laughter. To be perfectly honest, I was a little nervous. Bob's eccentricity was all very well in public but, on the way to his house with him babbling about lions and rubber belts, it was slightly disturbing.

My alarm increased when we arrived at Bob's home. Although an impressive sight from outside, the interior was a study in chaos. There were collections of empty bottles throughout, various pieces of fancy dress hung from doorframes and an extraordinary number of novelty duvet sets. After we weaved through to the living room bob directed me to a computer that he activated and went to get us drinks.

As the computer warmed up I noticed some scraps of paper beside the keyboard with scribbled notes. Amongst the jottings were names with arrows connecting to startling terms. ‘Lanzhou', for example, pointed to ‘rubber belts', which in turn pointed to ‘stuff Clive's mouth with prawn crackers'. Bob returned with the drinks and brought up an email account on the screen.

‘That's it,' he said simply and retired to a couch on which he lay in silent contemplation as I made my first entry into a very different world. An hour or two later I turned back to him.

‘Bob?' I asked, ‘Would you be interested in writing a book?'

Neil Forsyth and Bob Servant (right), Broughty Ferry, summer 2007

 

Each man is a hero and an oracle to somebody, and to that person whatever he says has an enhanced value.

Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803–82)

The thing is Xiong, you're over there in China and I'm here in Broughty Ferry. But you're just a man and I'm just a man. That's what I'm saying. We're all just men. Apart from women.

Bob Servant (1945–)

From: Jack Thompson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Delete This At Your Peril

FROM HIS ROYAL HIGHNEST, JACK THOMPSON

Dear sir,

Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business. I got your name and contact from the chamber of commerce and industry. I am JACK THOMPSON, the only son of late King Arawi of tribal land. My father was a very wealthy traditional ruler, poisoned to death by his rivals in the traditional tussle about royalties and related matters.

Before his death here in Togo he called me on his sick bed and told me of a trunk box containing $75m kept in a security company where i amin the city of Sokode. It was because of the wealth he was poisoned by his rivals. I now seek a foreign partner where I will transfer the proceeds for investment as you may advise. I am willing to offer you 20% of the sum as a compensation for your effort/ input and 5% for any expenses that may occour.

Anticipating to hear from you soon.

Thanks and God bless

JACK THOMPSON

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From: Bob Servant

To: Jack Thompson

Subject: Greetings

Good morning your Majesty,

I want 30%, and not a penny less,

Your Servant,

Bob Servant

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From: Jack Thompson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: I will speak to the bank

Hello Bob,

See these percentages was arranged by the bank and not me. If you insist on getting 30% of the money i have to call the bank.

Pls send your

FULL NAME.

CONTACT PHONE NUMBER.

ACCOUNT NUMBER.

COUNTRY/STATE:

I will be expecting those details. thanks.

JACK THOMPSON.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Jack Thompson

Subject: Good luck with the bank

Your Majesty,

Let me know what the bank says. Tomorrow's a bank holiday here, I don't know if you have the same ones? My full name is BOB GODZILLA SERVANT.

Yours,

Bob

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From: Jack Thompson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Hello

Hello Bob,

I went to my bank. If you are now requesting 30% we have to go back to the high court to change things. I and my family members has added some amount upon your money provided you are going to be serious and trustwordy. We have agreed to give you 25%. Pls i think that is all we can do.

We need your telephone number, country, state, city and account number before we can go further.

Jack Thompson

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From: Bob Servant

To: Jack Thompson

Subject: Let's try the court

Good Morning Your Highness,

Please go to the High Court and request the 30%, I think it is a fair figure Jacky-O.

Bob

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From: Jack Thompson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: YOUR URGENT RESPONSE NEEDED

Dear Mr Bob,

In order not to waste more time I have agreed the 30% and have notified the court and my family accordingly. Within these few days now, I have developed that confidence in you and believe that you will be of great assistance in perfecting this transaction. We have to go ahead immediately. Please email me –

1. Your address

2. Private Telephone and Fax Numbers

3. Banking details to enable transfer of the money to you.

I await your immediate response,

Jack Thompson

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From: Bob Servant

To: Jack Thompson

Subject: Hold Tight. . .

Your Highness,

I have been looking at the sums again, and I have decided that I want 40%.

And not a penny less.

Bob

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From: Jack Thompson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: URGENT FROM MR JACK THOMPSON

Dear Bob,

Please let us PROCEDE. I am not greedy. I will offer you the 40% instead of delaying the transaction. I want it done, no matter how little it will change my life. Send your details now. Like I told you I need to meet with the security company immediately,

I await an urgent response,

Jack

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From: Bob Servant

To: Jack Thompson

Subject: Taxman

Jack,

40% sounds about right. However, I do not want the money in cash, as there is no way I could hide it. The taxman tried to turn me over back in '89 when I was coining it in from the cheeseburger vans, and those bastards always come back.

Can I have my share in diamonds and gold? I can shift it gradually through pawnshops in Lochee.

Bob

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From: Jack Thompson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: URGENT

Hello Bob,

I received your mail and I guess I understand it. As for the diamond and gold, I think I have access to raw gold. You will get your share in some amount of cash and some valuable quantity of gold. Look Bob you are wasting some time in forwarding your details that I need urgently. So now that we have come to an agreement can I have the details now please,

Thanks,

Jack

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From: Bob Servant

To: Jack Thompson

Subject: Animals?

Hello Jack,

I'm afraid I just cannot take my share in cash, too dangerous. I could take it in diamonds, gold, or livestock (lions). My neighbour, Frank Theplank, has a private zoo. I just caught up with him in Maciocia's chip shop where he was waiting on a bag of fifty fritters for his monkeys. I told him a little bit about all this and he is willing to pay $80,000 for every lion I can get him,

Bob

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From: Jack Thompson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: URGENT

Hello Bob,

I understand what you mean. You don't want the money in cash. Well I just got in contact with a friend of mine who sells raw gold and I can now pay you through live stock lion heads raw gold . . . quantity (4). So now you need not worry about the taxman coming again you can always keep them in your friend's private zoo as you said.

Now I will go and arrange for them while you send me your full details of yourself.

Jack

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From: Bob Servant

To: Jack Thompson

Subject: Lions

Hi Jack my friend,

Great to hear from you again. You can get hold of 4 lions? Are they male or female? I will speak to Frank who will undoubtedly be very excited. Where are these lions just now?

Bob

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From: Jack Thompson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: URGENT DETAILS PLEASE

Hello Bob,

The gold lions are all male and i have arranged for them. But Bob can't you see you are dragging us backwards i have been asking you for your details for the past days now. Pls reply with the following:

Full Name

Home Address

Phone/Fax Number

Banking Details

I will be expecting the above information.

Thanks.

Jack

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