Delete This at Your Peril (6 page)

Subject: Absolutely no problem at all Timbo

Tim,

OK, will do. How much is half the bill? Things are going fine. I've untied Trevor apart from his legs and have been cooking nice meals for him. We had a great pasta dish earlier and I'm going to do a spaghetti Bolognese tonight. He says he's not that bothered about being tied up in the cupboard because it means he doesn't have to go to work and also that he doesn't really like his wife.

Bob

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From: Tim Sanderson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: The half bill is

The half bill is £1500. You be careful and don't hurt him because if you do that's going to get you in a big trouble. You have done enough already, message me back with when you can wire the money and I'll send you my info. stay safe.

Tim

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From: Bob Servant

To: Tim Sanderson

Subject: half bill

Hi Tim,

£1,500 is no problem. In Dundee's infamous Cheeseburger Wars of 1988–99, I had three vans working double shifts five days a week (I attach a photo of one of the vans in a cracking litle pitch, ready for another bumper day). Those vans were mobbed everywhere they went, it was unbelievable. It sounds funny thinking about it now, but no-one even knew what cheeseburgers were in Dundee before then.

People just went crazy for them.
⁷
I stuck the boys on £50 a shift and paid fuck-all tax. You do the math, Tim

You know, things are great here. I have been untying Trevor completely for one-hour stretches, which we call his ‘Cry Freedoms', which makes us
both laugh. He can go to the toilet, have a stretch or just potter around the house for a while.

We're getting on well – we both love talking about women and eating jaffa cakes and earlier today he said I was his ‘best friend'. I got all embarrassed and angry and tied him up again but, you know, I think he might have meant it. He's not a bad chap and I'm starting to think that maybe he won't tell the police,

Bob Servant

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From: Tim Sanderson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Safest way is Western Union

The best and safest way is through Western Union. What you will do is go to the nearest Western Union location to send the £1500. Here is my personal assistant details she will go get the money as soon as you send it cos i'm busy at the office.

Sarah Riley

                       

                      

BIRMINGHAM

              

That's where she lives, she will go get the money. Email me with the necessary details so i can give it to her. Hope to hear from you soon.

Regards

Lawyer T. Sanderson

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From: Bob Servant

To: Tim Sanderson

Subject: It's party time

Hi Tim,

Are you sure I shouldn't just post the cash? I could tape the money to a bit of card so it doesn't get nicked? Let me know because the £1,500 is ready to go. The postie and I are still going great guns but I think it's important to have a good legal defence just in case.

He's been untied for a couple of days but has not even mentioned going home. We just mess about, playing tig or designing putting courses. I make breakfast, he makes lunch and then the two of us do dinner together. It's a great system, and seems to be working fine.

The only slight problem we have is that I have always watched the evening showing of Neighbours but he is a massive Richard and Judy fan. So far he's settled for watching them until 5.35 and then we switch to Neighbours but I can see he's not happy with it. We have our tea at 5.30 and, yesterday, when I turned over to Neighbours he let some of his scrambled eggs drop onto the carpet and said ‘Oh dear, I wonder if one of your Neighbours will help clean that up' in a really sarcastic voice. I did what you told me Tim, and just ignored him. But that's been the only moment that we've looked like falling out.

Tonight we're going to a fancy dress party that the postie's friend is having at his house. I can't wait, he says there's going to be loads of women there from the sorting office. Apparently, they're going to get blootered and then just go straight to work at five in the morning. They do it once a month apparently, the whole Dundee East Sorting Office, and the next day they just go and put letters in any postbox they fancy because they're still so drunk.
⁸
So God knows where my mail will end up tomorrow! Or in your case, Timorrow! Ha, ha. Silly.

I'm going to the party as a cowboy and the postie is going as a ghost. Are you going to a party tonight Tim? I bet you are, knowing you. What are you going as?

Bob

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From: Tim Sanderson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Western Union

Send the money to my assistant through Western Union as I said and email me the security details. Hope you are having a great party, i anticipate your response.

Regards

Lawyer T. Sanderson

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From: Bob Servant

To: Tim Sanderson

Subject: Good News

Tim,

How are you my friend? Well, well, well, where to begin?! It has been the most mental two days of my life, which is pretty impressive considering I
was officially mental for those four months in '89 when I was high on the hog with the cheeseburger van money.

Right, well let's start at the fancy dress party I told you about last time. We got to the door and the postie pressed the bell. Just as they opened the door he whipped his ghost sheet off and he was wearing his best gear - proper denim and a really nice V-neck. So there was him in his Saturday night turn, a couple of birds at the door looking confused, and me dressed as a fucking cowboy.

It wasn't a party at all, he'd arranged a double date with these goers from his work but thought it would be funny to make old muggins here turn up like Jesse fucking James. The worst bit was he didn't let them in on the joke, when they asked why I was wearing that stuff he told them that it was what I always wore when I went out.

I was so angry I couldn't even bring myself to say anything so I just walked through and we sat and had dinner with me still in the cowboy stuff. The postie was loving it. I tried to make some conversation but anything I said he'd give it ‘yee-hah' or ‘sorry we don't have any cow pie' which isn't even a cowboy joke, it was Desperate Dan that ate cow pie.

I was pretty annoyed and, I suppose, a little bit hurt and threw a bit of a tantrum. I shouted at the postie that he had let me down, that I had trusted him, and he'd made me look stupid. I went right off on one and I could see the girls were scared but I just kept going. At the end there was this horrible silence and then the postie started whistling the theme tune to Rawhide.

And you know what Tim? I laughed. That's right, I laughed. I laughed and I laughed and so did the postie and so did the girls and we just all started hugging each other. And then we were kissing and then one thing led to another Tim and, well, I won't say any more on that.

Tim, it was sensational. It's been a long time since I got properly involved with a bird and I have to say that I was worried old Bobby might not have much in the locker but by Christ I went to town on that bit of skirt. You should have seen me Tim, I was like a man possessed, I felt like a bloody kid up the back of the pictures.

Well, since then things have really gone very well indeed. The postie and I have decided that we are going to live together and spend our time chasing women like a couple of wild cards – throwing on the denim, downing some liveners, then heading into town and seeing what happens. Ach, we're probably just two old dreamers without half a brain between us Tim! But, my God, we'll give it a go.

So really it's all good news. The postie has promised me that he will drop the charges. Thanks for your help Tim and please thank Jean also. I know you'll both be happy for me, being the kind of people you are.

All the very best for the future,

Bob Servant

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From: Tim Sanderson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Western Union

I am glad things have gone well, please send £500 for the advice I gave you. Send it through Western Union to the details I provided.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Tim Sanderson Subject:

Subject: Hands off the party fund!

Sorry, Tim. We have to watch our pennies as the postie has quit his job so he and I can chase skirt professionally. I'd be happy to act as a reference for any similar cases you find yourself involved with if that's any use?

Cheers,

Bob

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No Reply

 

4
. The story behind the loss of Bob's ladders in 1996 remains unclear. If forced, I would conclude that they were not stolen, but sold as part of the deal through which Bob disposed of his window-cleaning business. However, that should not be seen as evidence in the evaluation of any insurance claim made by Bob at the time.

5
. Bob Servant has never received a banning order from any of Dundee's hospitals. I do, however, remember seeing bob On many occasions In the weeks after United's 1994 cup win struggling with an oversized, tin foil, imitation trophy.

6
. Broughty Ferry does not have a Harbour Police service and, even if they did, it is unlikely they would use pedalos owing to weather and safety concerns.

7
. A 1988 issue of the
Broughty Ferry Gazette
bore the headline, ‘This Cheeseburger Madness Must Stop' and included claims from a local councillor that schoolchildren and ‘those old enough to know better' were buying their breakfast, lunch and dinner from an ‘Armada' of cheeseburger vans. The report quotes ‘local cheeseburger magnate Bob Servant' as saying ‘I'm giving the people what they want. The councillor will be telling us what time to go to bed next. He's just angry because I wouldn't give him an expenses slip with his burgers.'

8
. The editor is of no doubt that Dundee East postal staff are of the highest professional integrity and I consider Bob's suggestion to be entirely delusional.

From: Alexandra

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Hello!

Hello, my new friend! My name is Alexandra, 25 years old. I live in Russia and want to get acquainted with man from other country. Be not surprised to my letter. I have learned your address in agency of international acquaintances. I do not know, like you my photo or not? At once I want to say I do not search the relation for games. I want to find the husband! I shall expect answer with impatience!

Best wishes, Alexandra

P.S. Please, send to me your photo.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alexandra

Subject: By Christ You Could Take Someone's Eyes Out With Them

Alexandra,

How are you? What a fantastic photo. My God, what a pair of bazookas. How is life over there in Russia?

Your Servant,

Bob Servant

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From: Alexandra