The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (35 page)

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Authors: Athol Kay

BOOK: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011
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Chapter 20
Playful Sex

 

 

(20.1) The Shower Move

 

Let her get in the shower first and have her shower as normal. Then time your approach to when she would be just about ready to get out. If you’re not sure, go a little earlier rather than later. If she’s already out of the shower, you’re basically screwed as you can’t really ask her to get back into the shower without looking like you failed the timing.

 

Then you get into the shower with her. This is a fairly obnoxious/ strong/Alpha move in that you are clearly invading her personal space, but you’re her husband so you shouldn’t have too much of an issue breaking her down.

 

Have a line ready to disarm her if she seems a little shocked at the invasion. Almost the sillier it is the better. You are trying to convey playful fun rather than a dangerous scuffle in the shower seeking penetration. Big goofy grin, light tone. Suggestions:

 

“
Pardon me, I didn’t know this shower was occupied.”
“
The hotel sent me up to you, but I’ll need some ID.”
“
You seem familiar, have we met?”
“
Shhhhh, don’t tell my wife I’m in here with you.”
“
Shower Boy” (say it in the same tone as “Room Service”)
“
Reporting for duty.”
“
I’m a building inspector. I need to check the structure in the shower; this will only take a minute madam.”

 

Then just tell her you’re going to wash her back. Have a nice facial scrub soap of some sort, and use it to wash her back. You can get these from any supermarket for a few bucks, and she probably already has something like this in the shower anyway. Use a nice big squeeze of it. Take your time. Make it a sensual experience for her. Everyone loves having their back scrubbed, it feels great. Just scrub her back down.

 

Once done she’ll need to turn around and rinse off. Then you unload…

 

“
Wow nice rack, are those real?”
Remember to use your naughty boy grin and playful tone. The words don’t actually matter all that much really. You can probably recite the Pledge of Allegiance and make headway if you keep the grin going and the right tone.

 

Then say it’s your turn, which comes to the delicate passing maneuver where you swap ends of the shower. You don’t have to full on grope, but do obviously enjoy any and all incidental contact as you brush past each other.
Oh yeah.

 

Then she scrubs you down. You rinse off and it’s time to end the routine. If she’s obviously wanting sex right here and now, well go ahead. But otherwise she’s probably going to be wondering if you’re going to try something on her. Kiss for a bit then gently order her out so you can have your shower. That just might mess with her head a little... in a good way.

 

Finish your shower, and continue on with your day. After a morning start like this, you can probably run rampant with flirting with her and physical touch all day. Remember – light, playful, fun, and a little I'm being a naughty boy thrown in as well. She'll be primed for bedtime.
You're welcome.
(20.2) The Neapolitan

 

Everyone has a favorite sexual position, mine is not so much a single position but a three step combination I’ve taken to calling The Neapolitan after the triple flavored strawberry vanilla chocolate ice cream. As an aside we tend to get Jennifer off as often as she likes (typically once but that’s her choice) before going into this routine. If she wants another one along the way she can, but she doesn’t usually. I find the three different stimulations make my orgasm excellent at the end. It also sets up a very intense finish that would probably injure her if we attempted that all the way through. Giving her the control to call readiness for that makes it less likely to really do some kind of damage, but still get the full thrill ride ending.

 

Strawberry is a blowjob
. See I knew you’d like it. The difference is that there’s no particular effort to get me towards an orgasm. It’s just enjoyable sucking for as long as she likes, doing it however she likes. This lack of goal seeking actually seems to make things nicer quite often (sometimes I have to tap out!) and gives her complete control to enjoy what is happening, which generally turns her on. When she’s ready we go to vanilla and she kisses her way up my body and climbs on.

 

Vanilla is woman on top a.k.a. “Cowgirl.”
I can last forever in this position unless I’m purposely forcing the issue toward orgasm for me. So once again we’re in a position of not really forcing the issue towards completion. This is relaxed and intimate. There’s kissing, some mild spanks, breast fondling and sucking. Like I say, I can do this all night no problem and she likes it, but eventually she wants it to come to the big finish and when she wants it she climbs off and lies on her back.

 

Chocolate is the Missionary Position
which is her favorite. Up until this point she has pretty much been in control of the pace… but no more. I don’t care about anything beyond how good it feels for me in this stage and she’s basically pinned helplessly under me while I finish hard, fast and rough. She's usually not so much sore from it the next day, but shall we say... 
still aware of it.

 

If she complains of pain or discomfort in the immediate aftermath, I tell her
"you're welcome".
She seems to like that answer.
(20.3) Ask for a Massage with a Good Lotion

 

A while back I played with the idea of turning into a massage therapist and attended an open house at a massage school. I didn't actually apply, but I did shop in the little school store and basically stumbled upon the most fantastic lotion for
handjobs
massages.

 

The best lotion we have found is Biotone Advanced Therapy Massage Cream. It comes in either an 8-ounce pump thingy or a gallon bottle. You can find it at Amazon.com, but is cheaper from the manufacturer. We usually get a gallon every couple of years and refill a smaller bottle and it never seems to go bad.
We often ensure that I get lots of
handjobs
massages when Jennifer is in that time of the month when she likes giving
handjobs
massages. Sometimes I lie on my back and I get a lovely
handjob
massage, sometimes with her on top of me and sometimes she lies on her back with me over the top of her and I get a nice
handjob
massage that way. Though honestly that way is a little messy and the
cumshot 
lotion goes everywhere, but it's non greasy and cleans up well.

 

Also as a side benefit, it's good for handjobs. So it's win-win.
(20.4) Trim Your Nails

 

It's a simple little thing to do, but makes everything go so much smoother in bed together. Just trim your nails.

 

NO sharp edges.

 

NO dirty fingernails.

 

NO tiny little sticky up bits.

 

NO nail polish unless you're a drag queen.

 

You don't want to be heading to bed doing your Wolverine impression in the nail department. Typically if she wants her lady bits scraped, she wants the full deal with medical insurance, trained professionals and that specially chilled KY Jelly being involved.

 

Your wife probably has an emery board stashed away in the bathroom somewhere, just file everything nice and smooth and wash your hands. Oh.... emery board... um.... it's like a little strip of 600 grit sandpaper. Filing = sanding. See it's really a male task after all, there’s nothing metrosexual about having properly sanded smooth nails.

 

If push comes to shove you can use actual sand paper. I tend to recommend not using a belt sander though. (That's for toenails.)
(20.5) Drink Pineapple Juice

 

Generally if you eat a lot of crap then your semen is going to smell and taste worse. Generally better food and liquid tends towards better smell and taste. I've heard many good things about pineapple juice changing the flavor positively. Personally I'm not wildly excited about pineapple as a flavor, so I did try that myself once but strayed from it. I quite like orange juice cut with seltzer water 50/50.

 

That being said, I have hit upon a much quicker and easier use of pineapple juice to improve wifely complaints of the taste of blowjobs. Once you come in her mouth, just immediately offer her a small cup of pineapple juice.

 

You're welcome baby, you're welcome.
(20.6) Put a Pillow under Her Butt

 

The Missionary Position is as vanilla as it gets, but vanilla is an actual flavor rather than the absence of flavor. Most women quite like the feeling of their man on top of them. It's a naturally dominant position for him. In fact, her obviously liking the Missionary Position is probably a good indicator that she gets enjoyment from being submissive in general.

 

If you want to change it up a little though, try a pillow under her butt and see how that feels. It can very much alter the tilt of her pelvis and change the sensation for you both. Look around the bedroom… you probably already have a pillow or two.
(20.7) Return the Favor

 

Only about 30% of what you try in bed will actually work for you both. You may get a hot sex tip from a friend that just raves about it, but for you it's just simply awkward or dull.

 

As an example Jennifer and I sometimes do a rear entry position where I lie on my back and she lies on her back on top of me. It works for us because she's petite and I'm far larger and solid. If I was medium sized and she was too, I'd probably just be too crushed under her to enjoy it. As it is, my enjoyment of that particular position ends roughly a tenth of a second after I orgasm; my Body Agenda suggests quite firmly that I get a hundred twenty or so pounds of panting wife off me so I can breathe again.
Likewise we can look at pictures of face to face sex where the woman has her legs thrown up over the man's shoulders and it looks sexy and hot. However we have tried this and Jennifer simply does not bend that way. Not even close, her legs would fall off like a used Barbie doll if we tried that.
So you mess around together and keep trying stuff until you find what works. However, sometimes your partner likes something and you don't. It's not so much of a dislike of anything, just not a turn on, so the idea of doing it to your partner may never occur to you.
Personally I don't care very much for biting. When I was a teenager I had a nine year old cousin bite me on the forearm…and I mean really sink his chompers into my arm and just
bite
me. I don't even know why he bit me… it was very random. As a result I have basically written him off as a human being and never bothered with him again. That's how not into biting I am.
Anyway over the last few months I'd noticed Jennifer giving me a couple little nips on the neck during playtime. In general I appreciated the passion, but got nothing from them as a turn on. In fact I think I told her to knock it off during a longer session where I racked up several little nips. Do not want.
One night as an experiment I gave her a little nip... and she did this whole clutch/moan/writhe and sigh routine. So I think she might have liked it. I repeated the experiment a few times, and post playtime recap reveals one or two little nips are good for her, three or more is a distraction so please stop. This is no problem because biting her isn't much of a turn on for me, but I don't mind doing it to turn her on.
So sometimes what your partner does to you is actually what they want to be done to them and turns them on. In any case it's worth trying it out and seeing if you found something new in the 30% of things that work.
If not... um... I suggest you don't break the skin first time around....
(20.8) Make the Bed Squeak

 

One very simple tactic to make her think she's being completely pounded into a pool of her own juices is to find the right rhythm of thrusting that makes the bed squeak. We have a pretty sturdy king size wooden framed thing that took an awful lot of effort to get into the house and put together. It's really solid. However when I'm on top of Jennifer there is a just right level of my movement I can do to make it start oscillating just a little and the whole thing starts making a five decibels above discreet squeaking noise. It's kind of the same principle that high winds can rip a badly designed bridge apart by getting it slowly wobbling more and more. (See, this is why you should have paid more attention in physics class.)
It's really not anything hugely rough that's going on, it's firm to be sure, but it's not even as rough as it could be. It's about 87.3% of maximum roughness. It just
sounds
like she's getting pounded by the Lord of Cock. If you were standing outside our bedroom door you'd be touching yourself.

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