The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (38 page)

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Authors: Athol Kay

BOOK: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011
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Some women like being called certain dirty words and not others. (Jennifer for example, likes being called a slut, but reacts quite poorly to being called a whore.) All this is just her inner kink at work and you probably have no hope of changing which word turns your wife on and which words turn her off. There’s no real benefit to psychoanalyzing why a certain word turns her on, you just have to keep trying them out until you strike gold. Once you find them though, don’t pound the value out of the word by saying it over and over. Use it one to three times a day tops.
If you struggle to come up with dirty things to say, just talk about what is happening. Short positive statements like
"yeah suck me like that"
work well. Tell her to do something, if only a position change, like
"on your back now."
Remember not to say “please” when you do this, just give the order and give her a little push in the direction you want her to go.
Announce your impending orgasm...
"Almost there baby, stay right there."
Sometimes you don't even need to say anything... just breathe a little harder near her ear so she can hear it. She’s going to react as much to you being turned on by her and just saying things to her as by anything in particular you say.
(21.7) Surprise and Delight Her

 

Sometimes all you have to do to impress a woman is to do one little thing that surprises and delights her. Ideally that thing you do involves a skill rather than simply giving her something. You writing a song for her, or a poem, or cooking a perfect dinner out of the blue is a greater thrill for her than a straight up gift. Chocolates for example please her for about a tenth of a second, while a memorable moment can imprint deep into her brain and last forever.

 

Back in the early days of toddlers and chaos I sprung a surprise Christmas present on Jennifer. Jennifer had taken the girls to Grandma’s and all three slept there overnight on Christmas Eve so I could sleep in after work into Christmas morning and then meet them all at Grandma’s later. I was working the evening shift and came home at about 11:30pm, but instead of falling asleep I went crazy cleaning the house. And not just a little crazy, I rearranged the living room furniture into a new setup that worked better, moved the computers from the spare room into the living room and shuffled the bookcases around and so on. Then I collapsed for a bit and joined them at Grandma’s. The first Jennifer knew of my busy night was walking into the house to find my home makeover attempt. She squealed in delight.

 

The words
“I love you”
are always good, but actions of love can carry serious weight.
(21.8) Toast Her Marshmallows

 

At some point you're going to end up by a fire and everyone is going to be toasting marshmallows. Here's how you blow her mind with the humble marshmallow.

 

Idiots and preteen boys usually just shove a marshmallow on a stick and then hold it way too close to the fire and brown the outside of the marshmallow before eating it. Or worse they will simply set the damn thing on fire and blow it out and consider that a job well done. No son, that's a burnt piece of crap, your woman will not be pleased.

 

The trick is simple. You stay away from the leaping flames and find a good spot of glowing embers giving off a decent heat. Then while you hold the marshmallow over the embers you slowly keep it turning on the stick. Think rotisserie marshmallow. Just turn, turn, turn, turn. If you do it just right you can cook the marshmallow so that while the outside doesn't burn, the inside of the marshmallow heats up enough to turn into a gooey liquid.

 

You know that the inside of the marshmallow has turned into a gooey liquid when the marshmallow stops turning on the stick. You can turn the stick and it just kind of stays in place. If you continue on cooking the marshmallow much beyond this point it just falls off the stick into the fire. (Oh and it's not terribly hot either as marshmallows liquefy at a moderate temperature. Try one yourself first and see.)

 

Now confidently stride up to your wife and present your marshmallow. Importantly she needs to take the whole thing into her mouth. The marshmallow will have a little mini explosion when she pushes it against the roof of her mouth with her tongue. The technical term for this is "Splucking". Toasted marshmallows should spluck. Anyway if she bites into half of it, half of the gooey white stuff will end up dripping off her lips and chin. Which is a good look, but you really want to train her to swallow the whole thing.

 

You should get a look of genuine surprise and delight from anyone that hasn't been previously splucked. Just maintain eye contact and smile a crooked naughty grin...

 

... "Now imagine what I could do to you.”
(21.9) Post-It Notes

 

You can always leave her a Post-It note saying you love her and leave it where she will find it. Recently at work when I went down to say hi to Jennifer she wasn’t at her desk, so I scribbled
“I love you – no reason.”
on a Post-It and put it on her computer. As I was stealing some of her pens, I realized that pinned to her cubicle wall were another two nearly identical notes that I must have written years earlier. So they were stupid little Post-It notes that took five seconds to write, but if she keeps them it means they have meaning to her.

 

I think Post-It notes work because they have a perfectly incidental quality that means you really were just thinking of her impulsively, but you’re unaffected by her enough that you aren’t weak to her. It’s a nice Alpha and Beta mix.
(21.10) Love Letters

 

Once in a while an old fashioned love letter can strike a chord where mere talk or cards cannot. For the most part everything that we get in the mail is boring, a bill, or just plain nasty. Written documentation is usually serious in nature, so getting a love letter carries a little additional weight.

 

One thing that a loyal spouse does in combating the affair of the disloyal spouse is write them a letter essentially telling them to cease and desist the affair or suffer the consequences. A letter is used because it is a clear and direct form of communication with little wiggle room for misunderstanding.

 

So why wait for an affair to write her a letter like a written warning? Tell her what she’s doing right and give her a written
warming
. These are the sort of things that she might just hold onto forever.
Chapter 22
Sext Messages

 

(22.1) I Wanna Sext You Up

 

Cheated-on husbands
always
discover their wife engaged in lurid sexting, email or Facebook messaging with the other man. Really – this is not something that
sometimes
happens in affairs, it
always
happens. There can be
thousands
of messages between affair partners in just a single month. The husband is usually appalled because
“she isn’t like that”…
but apparently she is. Women love sex just as much as men do and they clearly do enjoy sexual flirting and playing. Also to be completely blunt,
some
women are attention-whores and if you don’t give them regular attention they will take steps to go find it. If another man supplies her with sexy attention, he’s on the fast track to a final seduction with her.

 

The obvious solution is for you to step in and “act like her lover” would. Just start supplying some daily interaction via text, email or Facebook and engage her attention and sense of sex and fun. This all returns to the basics of
“Instigation, Isolation and Escalation".
When you message her playfully, you are instigating. Because she is getting a personal message that only she can see and respond to, she is already effectively isolated with you, even if she is in a crowded room or having dinner at her mother’s. That means there’s plenty of ability to kick things up a notch and turn the conversation sexual or get her to do things for you sexually… like snap a shot of her boobs and send them to you. Bam! You’re escalating her.

 

Play with her
and have fun!
You
be her lover.
(22.2) Text Her Incidental Things

 

You can update each other during the day of whatever is going on that’s nice. I often text Jennifer a
“How is it going?”
during my lunch break. If I see something funny happen I’ll text her that too. The whole purpose is simply to keep up a relationship by regular contact.

 

My work schedule is very flexible, but also demanding in that if something comes up last minute I really can’t walk out the door. I also tend to be somewhat distractible. So when I'm doing kid pickup or coming home, I text Jennifer. She’s not keeping tabs on me, she just worries that I’m stuck somewhere and a two-second
“On my way”
relaxes her.
(22.3) Change Your Name on Her Phone

 

Upon occasion I have snuck access to Jennifer’s phone and reprogrammed my name in her contact list to;
“Big Daddy,” “Cockzilla,” “Sex Toy”
or
“Lord and Master.”
It shows the caller’s name on the outside of her phone, so I try to avoid this for important business meetings, but it always gets a reaction. If she reads this book…
“Captain”
works as well!
(22.4) Ask What Color Her Panties Are

 

Women love to be treated like sex objects if they are interested in the man, so treat her like one. At random I’ll just ask Jennifer what color panties she is wearing. It’s fun, it’s flirty and fairly quick. Also, picking days when she has a little more privacy and opportunity, it’s possible to wrangle a few photos out of her as well. (Especially if you timed that with her ovulation.)

 

The trick with asking for panty color or photos is to ask for them, then just wait. Don’t fold and apologize for asking, just ask and wait. Very frequently they will come. If she doesn’t give you what you want, just don’t reply to her next text. If she tells you off for asking, just laugh it off and text back
“I’d apologize but I’m obnoxious.”
(22.5) She Speaks Another Language Text

 

Jennifer speaks reasonably good French while I only know how to say
“dog”
and
“cat.”
But despite Jennifer having me beat on this one, I still send her texts in French once in a while. I just use an online translator to assist me. Jennifer tells me that the
www.Babelfish.com
site is the best one… I have no clue of course as everything translates
“dog”
and
“cat”
correctly.

 

Some examples;

 

“
Je tiens a la livre a votre chat ce soir”
(I want to read a sturdy book to your cat tonight)

 

Ok that just blew. I was trying to make a joke about pounding her “pussy” tonight, but I have no clue what happened there. Try again...

 

“
Vous
êtes
trés
belle dans la cuisine quand nu”
(You are very beautiful in the kitchen when you are naked)

 

Better.

 

So go hunt up a few good phrases and save them to templates or outgoing messages, then you have them on a whim during the day. Just launch a couple at her during the day. If she doesn’t speak French then you can still do it, just make sure she knows about Babelfish.com. Little compliments and/or sexual requests. She’ll eat it up.

 

One more…

 

"Je veux avoir le sexe chaud de singe avec vous ce soir"
(I want to have hot monkey sex with you tonight)

 

...and it retranslated
"Je veux avoir le sexe chaud de singe avec vous ce soir"
back into English as "
I want to have the hot sex of monkey with you this evening."
This wasn’t exactly what I ordered, but I did enjoy it anyway but the pet monkey we bought refuses to come out of its cage now.
(22.6) Simon Says

 

After a text or two generally opening the conversation, and making sure she has some privacy and ability to respond, you start the game with texting…

 

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