The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (33 page)
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Authors: Athol Kay
BOOK: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011
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Playfully Deny Interest In Them –
"Now if we have lunch, you have to promise not to hit on me".
Or my favorite,
“I’m trying to cut down to two girlfriends… and my wife.”
"Now if we have lunch, you have to promise not to hit on me".
Or my favorite,
“I’m trying to cut down to two girlfriends… and my wife.”
Don't Offer To Pay For Lunch –
That kicks in the ASD (Anti Slut Defense) where she feels leverage being used against her to buy sexual favors. Even if she agrees to let you pay she'll be scanning the menu for something that says "handjob" rather than something she actually wants to eat. You won't get that handjob either. (Incidentally for the women reading, chicken Caesar salad is the default handjob menu choice, lobster means you have to go all the way. Everyone knows by now that sushi = oral sex and baby back ribs means you are a nasty, nasty girl and I'm embarrassed to be so aroused by you.)
That kicks in the ASD (Anti Slut Defense) where she feels leverage being used against her to buy sexual favors. Even if she agrees to let you pay she'll be scanning the menu for something that says "handjob" rather than something she actually wants to eat. You won't get that handjob either. (Incidentally for the women reading, chicken Caesar salad is the default handjob menu choice, lobster means you have to go all the way. Everyone knows by now that sushi = oral sex and baby back ribs means you are a nasty, nasty girl and I'm embarrassed to be so aroused by you.)
That's the basics for getting your foot in the door. Don't be needy or creepy.
(18.4) Ask as a Man Going His Own Way
Jennifer and I both work for the same company and on our rare days of both of us being at the main office, I do the standard Man Going His Own Way (MGHOW) invitation for coffee together.
"I'm going for coffee, want to come?"
Then either way she answers, I go get coffee. It's not
"Would you like to go get coffee?"
because then she has to make a decision to leave or not, whereas the MGHOW invitation is making her make a decision on whether or not to be left behind. If you start turning your body away and start moving to the door, you're taking away something and people tend to latch on to things being taken away from them. So usually she comes with me, but it’s no big deal if she doesn’t; it's just coffee.
"I'm going for coffee, want to come?"
Then either way she answers, I go get coffee. It's not
"Would you like to go get coffee?"
because then she has to make a decision to leave or not, whereas the MGHOW invitation is making her make a decision on whether or not to be left behind. If you start turning your body away and start moving to the door, you're taking away something and people tend to latch on to things being taken away from them. So usually she comes with me, but it’s no big deal if she doesn’t; it's just coffee.
This simple request tactic works great on nearly anyone, male or female. But when asking for people to tag along with you, do watch out for the fitness test that can follow up this request to go for coffee. This happens when you ask her to come with you and she declines, but then she asks you to bring coffee back for her. If you bring coffee back for her, you’re running her errands for her, which means she’s the dominant one in the relationship. Simply say
“No thanks, I’m going to get coffee to relax not to run errands.”
If she calls you an asshole for doing that, just smile and say thank you for the compliment.
“No thanks, I’m going to get coffee to relax not to run errands.”
If she calls you an asshole for doing that, just smile and say thank you for the compliment.
Of course I would bring coffee back for Jennifer, but then she’s getting the Princess Fiona treatment. Everyone else is a Donkey though, so they can be their own beast of burden.
(18.5) Don’t Care What Women Think of You, Just Mess With Them a Bit
The more you care about what women think of you as a romantic partner, the less they think of you as a romantic partner.
For the most part the key to Gaming females of all ages is a mixture of being unafraid of them in an "I notice you but I'm not affected by you" way, and staying light and playful. Gentle teasing is like catnip as well. Not harsh put-downs, just a light ruffle drawing attention to their weaknesses. They love a little mild naughtiness too. It's mostly just a male way of flirting.
The more you start to do it and practice it, the more natural it becomes and the easier it gets. Eventually it just becomes second nature. As an aside for the work related examples below, my wife works at the same place I do and is all purpose loved by everyone and frankly is hotter than everyone else as well. The chance of anyone really getting the wrong idea is very, very low. That being said, I don't go as far as sexual comments with anyone other than Jennifer.
Some examples:
Female Co-worker to maintenance guy doing a complete bathroom remodel:
"Well look at this kitchen, we need a new kitchen.”
"Well look at this kitchen, we need a new kitchen.”
Guy:
"What's wrong with the kitchen???"
"What's wrong with the kitchen???"
Female Co-worker: starts rant of all kitchen weaknesses.
Me:
"Wow look how easily she just slips into wife mode.”
"Wow look how easily she just slips into wife mode.”
She laughs and rant ends.
Jennifer by text:
"Daughter #1 is at xxxx house until 6pm and daughter #2 is at xxxxx house until 5pm.”
"Daughter #1 is at xxxx house until 6pm and daughter #2 is at xxxxx house until 5pm.”
Me:
"Get naked. OMW!!!!"
"Get naked. OMW!!!!"
Jennifer:
"lmao yes sir!"
"lmao yes sir!"
Me:
"Oh... hang on, Brazil is about to play. Sorry :-D"
"Oh... hang on, Brazil is about to play. Sorry :-D"
Next day...
Me by text:
"Lingerie top of your choice. Stockings. Me on top. You loud. That is all."
"Lingerie top of your choice. Stockings. Me on top. You loud. That is all."
Jennifer:
" Gotcha :-D that is all.”
" Gotcha :-D that is all.”
Favorite Female Co-worker (FFCW) asks for feedback on her new job assignment.... I reply via email with seven good points and slip in "feed me baked goods". (I totally trust she won't react badly)
Email Reply:
"yada yada yada and I will not be feeding you baked goods, but I might make cupcakes for the next staff meeting.”
"yada yada yada and I will not be feeding you baked goods, but I might make cupcakes for the next staff meeting.”
Me later text:
"LOL I forgot about the baked goods line."
"LOL I forgot about the baked goods line."
FFCW:
"Hahaa."
"Hahaa."
5th Grade Field Trip at Boston Science Museum chaperoning three girls. I'm hungry and need a snack and decide to spring for snacks for all three as well. They have all been very well behaved all day...
Me:
"Ok girls you can choose a snack or a drink from this display.”
"Ok girls you can choose a snack or a drink from this display.”
Daughter #2:
"Yay!”
"Yay!”
Friend #1 looking:
"Ohhh, hmmm..."
"Ohhh, hmmm..."
Friend #2 looking:
"Ummm maybe I'll have... no..."
"Ummm maybe I'll have... no..."
Daughter #2:
"I don't know what I want.”
"I don't know what I want.”
Friend #1:
"Me neither, but I am hungry.”
"Me neither, but I am hungry.”
Friend #2 picks up item, returns it to shelf, and repeats.
Daughter #2:
"maybe some fruit.”
"maybe some fruit.”
Friend #1:
"well that looks good, what are you having?"
"well that looks good, what are you having?"
Friend #2:
"I can't decide between the apple and the Peanut Butter Cups.”
"I can't decide between the apple and the Peanut Butter Cups.”
Repeat this conversation twice more...
Me:
"SNACKS UP ON THE COUNTER TO PAY OR MISS OUT IN...TEN NINE EIGHT SEVEN SIX FIVE FOUR THREE TWO ONE ZERO."
"SNACKS UP ON THE COUNTER TO PAY OR MISS OUT IN...TEN NINE EIGHT SEVEN SIX FIVE FOUR THREE TWO ONE ZERO."
All three decide and grab on the "one" and we go pay for the snacks.
Me:
"Come here."
patting sofa between my legs.
"Come here."
patting sofa between my legs.
Jennifer comes over and we cuddle with her back to me on my chest and chat and snuggle. After a few minutes it becomes apparent that this is one of those slightly awkward positions that are nice for closeness but not 100% comfortable long term.
Me:
"You're just tolerating this like a good
girlfriend
aren't you?"
"You're just tolerating this like a good
girlfriend
aren't you?"
I get the faux arm slap thing from my wife of sixteen years.
FFCW:
"What do you think of ABC?"
"What do you think of ABC?"
Me:
"Blah blah blah ABC is good."
"Blah blah blah ABC is good."
FFCW:
"Yeah but I was also thinking maybe the exact opposite of ABC as well.”
"Yeah but I was also thinking maybe the exact opposite of ABC as well.”
Me:
"Well blah blah that could work as well.”
"Well blah blah that could work as well.”
FFCW:
"Well blah blah blah reading between the lines I'm trying to find a way to get you to commit to a position so I can disagree with you on this trivial point blah blah blah.”
"Well blah blah blah reading between the lines I'm trying to find a way to get you to commit to a position so I can disagree with you on this trivial point blah blah blah.”
Me falling to knees dramatically and faux pleading:
"I don't know how to please you.... what do you want me to say?"
"I don't know how to please you.... what do you want me to say?"
FFCW: laughs.
Two minutes later...
FFCW:
"So what kind of cupcakes do you want?"
"So what kind of cupcakes do you want?"
Me:
"Lemon Poppy."
"Lemon Poppy."
They were delicious too.
(18.6) “Bedtime is the Make Sexy Time, Yes?”
The transition from the living room into the bedroom at bedtime is a key moment in the day. You should own that moment and frame yourself as dominant. I have several moves I use here and I mix them up from night to night.
We typically go to bed around 11pm and I have a clever technique of noticing it's 11pm and then stating
“It's bedtime.”
There's hardly a hint of overt dominance with this one, but being the one that is announcing bedtime for both of us frames me as dominant in the relationship.
“It's bedtime.”
There's hardly a hint of overt dominance with this one, but being the one that is announcing bedtime for both of us frames me as dominant in the relationship.
Adding a stronger twist of dominance is the old "use the married name" thing where I address her as
"Mrs. Kay".
So that is a stronger frame in that it implies in a direct sense that she has marital duties to perform. Yet it's formal enough that it can be used at family gatherings for exactly the same purpose.
"Mrs. Kay".
So that is a stronger frame in that it implies in a direct sense that she has marital duties to perform. Yet it's formal enough that it can be used at family gatherings for exactly the same purpose.
You can do the Ten Second Kiss routine, followed by extended hand as a compliance test. Basically you just hold your hand out to her until she takes it. Then you lead her to the bedroom.
Just text her a booty call. Even sitting in the same room it's funny.
Go over confidently goofy, the Borat approach is great,
"Is now 11 o'clock and is the make sexy time. Very nice!"
"Is now 11 o'clock and is the make sexy time. Very nice!"
If she walks in front of you lightly spank her butt.
"Cum to bed baby."
(Think Austin Powers inflection here)
(Think Austin Powers inflection here)
Tell her to go put something on from the lingerie department.
Just announce the way sex is going to happen.
"Here's my plan. First I'm going to finger you to an orgasm, then you're going to be reverse cowgirl on me for about five minutes, then I'm putting you on your back and finishing on top hard and rough.”
"Here's my plan. First I'm going to finger you to an orgasm, then you're going to be reverse cowgirl on me for about five minutes, then I'm putting you on your back and finishing on top hard and rough.”
Just don’t care what she thinks.
(18.7) Find Some Stolen Time Together
This comes back to the
“Instigate, Isolate and Escalate”
chapter ideas
.
The instigation part is that sense of playful engaging interaction with her. Whether that's banter, teasing, deep and meaningful talking, humor or whatever, you're trying to start something with her beyond asking her,
“So what's for dinner?”
“Instigate, Isolate and Escalate”
chapter ideas
.
The instigation part is that sense of playful engaging interaction with her. Whether that's banter, teasing, deep and meaningful talking, humor or whatever, you're trying to start something with her beyond asking her,
“So what's for dinner?”
The escalation part is the "always be closing" approach of physical touch, sexual touch and let’s go to the bedroom. I'm not saying every time you touch you are forcing the issue towards naked sexy time
now
; you’re setting the intent that there
will be
a naked sexy time and it's going to be good. If she wants sex, you can follow through on that. Instigation and escalation are fairly easily done in a marriage. You can always talk and play together, and no one gets offended if a married couple plays a little grab-ass and kisses each other. But the harder one to get done is isolation if you have a couple little cockblocks roaming your house asking for things to eat and an allowance.
What we do is try and find sneaky ways of alone time together. Our kids are old enough to be home alone for a while so Jennifer and I often do grocery shopping together. That seems dull I know, but we're together without the kids and just get to hang out like old times. Plus we can plan the meals we're cooking together during the week. I get to do the heavy lifting and stuff like that. We both like it.
Also shopping only really takes about an hour and we're usually gone for about an hour and a half. There's a Panera bakery next to the grocery store and we have coffee and a medium fancy snack/lunch of some sort together. We talk. The kids have no clue that we actually escaped them and had fun.
now
; you’re setting the intent that there
will be
a naked sexy time and it's going to be good. If she wants sex, you can follow through on that. Instigation and escalation are fairly easily done in a marriage. You can always talk and play together, and no one gets offended if a married couple plays a little grab-ass and kisses each other. But the harder one to get done is isolation if you have a couple little cockblocks roaming your house asking for things to eat and an allowance.
What we do is try and find sneaky ways of alone time together. Our kids are old enough to be home alone for a while so Jennifer and I often do grocery shopping together. That seems dull I know, but we're together without the kids and just get to hang out like old times. Plus we can plan the meals we're cooking together during the week. I get to do the heavy lifting and stuff like that. We both like it.
Also shopping only really takes about an hour and we're usually gone for about an hour and a half. There's a Panera bakery next to the grocery store and we have coffee and a medium fancy snack/lunch of some sort together. We talk. The kids have no clue that we actually escaped them and had fun.
Chapter 19
Man About the House
(19.1) Work the L-Spot
You’re probably wondering where the L-Spot is and if I just made it up. I can assure you that it is real, it does exist, and if you can stimulate it correctly, your woman will look at you like she has never looked at you before. Once you start tapping the L-Spot just right, she will want it forever. She will probably NOT tell her friends about your doing this as she couldn’t trust them not to go behind her back to you. It’s just that powerful.
As a warning though, once you start working this area, you can’t decide later on that you’re going to stop working it. Once she gets L-Spot action, she is always going to remember that she was getting it. You can’t stop-start-stop-start on this. You want to drive her crazy
for
you, not
at
you. It’s all or nothing, so be advised.
for
you, not
at
you. It’s all or nothing, so be advised.
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