The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (34 page)

Read The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 Online

Authors: Athol Kay

BOOK: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011
3.63Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub

 

The L-Spot is so reliable you can probably just spring it on her without warning and watch her face light up with surprise and delight. It is somewhat stimulating though, so I really recommend making the bedroom area as low key and low-stimulation as possible. You don’t want to have her get over-stimulated and suddenly shut down on you halfway through.

 

To make the bedroom low-stimulation, do some quick decluttering and make sure everything is clean. Strip the bedding off the bed and wash it, and do the same for all of your clothes that are lying around as well. If you’ve got an en suite bathroom, then you can wash the bath towels and mats as well. If you have white towels (which go with everything by the way), you can wash them separately with a little bleach and that will whiten them a little more, plus kill all the germs in the washing machine. I very much suggest for her clothes though, you just find her hamper and toss anything of hers that is unwashed in there and stash the hamper off to one side. All women have precise washing techniques and it’s probably best to not mess with that. Then just remake the bed, fold the clothes, hang the towels up.

 

Congratulations! You just did the laundry… a.k.a. the L-Spot.

 

I might have tricked you a little there... but stick with me and I’ll explain why this is a vital sexy move. Do not knock this until you have tried it.

 

If you’ve actually not been helping out with the laundry at all, try and get this whole routine down while she is out of the house. Just get it done and play it cool. Don’t follow her like a freaking toddler that just pooped in the right place all by himself. Just be cool. It’s no big deal.

 

Okay maybe hover a little bit. Watching her face is half the fun! I can guarantee you will get a positive reaction from her for this.

 

The point of this move is that it is a Beta Male trait and is one of many nest management tasks that you can do. This isn’t going to make her pulse jack up, her nipples hard and her panties wet, but it is going to build comfort, relax her and reduce her stress. You’re going to perform Alpha Trait moves to
“turn her on”;
this is to make sure you aren’t
“turning her off”.

 

If she thinks she is being abandoned by you to do all the nest management by herself and she is overwhelmed, her Body Agenda will ensure that no more babies arrive to add to her workload by cutting her sex drive off. No sex drive = no sex = no more babies = workload stays tolerable = current babies get enough care. It’s vital to understand that this is a hardwired response in her. She will not have a conscious control over this; she will simply look at you one day and realize that while she loves you, she is not in love with you.

 

When you first moved in together, maybe her doing your laundry made her feel giddy and silly… for about the first three weeks. After that…
not so much
. By the time the kids are here, the laundry starts to pile up in a battle that doesn’t end until they can fend for themselves. I don’t care how the domestic chores get divided up in your house, but I can assure you that if she is doing
your
laundry she feels like your mother. And your mother never wore lingerie for you, licked up every last drop of you, or arched her back while pulling you deep into her… at least I really hope your mother didn’t do that.

 

Doing the laundry is not really a male or female skill; it’s just a basic life skill. So go grab a pile of laundry, shove it in the washer, push a button, transfer it to the dryer, push another button, and fold the clothes and Bam! You just worked the L-Spot. You know she’s going to love it.
(19.2) Fix the Broken Stuff in the House

 

A man’s use of tools has been sexy since The Time Before Writing…

 

…
once upon a time, back in The Time Before Writing there were two males squaring off over a female. The older larger Alpha Male was Sal and the younger, smaller male was Throgg. The female knew that Sal was going to beat the smaller Throgg and like it or not she would be mated with Sal. Then something very unusual happened.
Throgg invented Pickup
.

 

In a smooth, fluid motion Throgg picked up a four-foot long solid piece of wood from the ground and pounded Sal like a rented punching bag until he learned to exhibit Approach Anxiety. Armed with his club, Throgg felt confident and sexy and he naturally got the girl. Brains plus some brawn beat pure brawn.

 

Throgg became famous and taught classes to aspiring males about his amazing Pickup technique. Pretty soon if a male didn’t know about Pickup, they didn’t have a chance with the ladies. All the females started paying more attention to the males who could hold a club. After awhile a female who wanted to get laid would just tell all her friends she was going out clubbing.

 

After a few hundred generations of sexual selection for males good with clubs, everyone was starting to get good with clubs. Cool stuff like axes, knives, hammers, spears, bows and slings had been invented too. It turns out that the males who were good with one tool usually turned out to be pretty good with all of them. They could fight and build a better home as well. The females loved the newer, predator-safe villages and homes the tool-using men could create. In fact after a while all the females started insisting on well-built homes to keep critters and predators away from crying babies in the middle of the night.

 

So that’s why today, a man’s use of tools is so sexy. When your wife asks you to repair something around the house... it’s a requirement programmed into her DNA where she’s driven to live in a nest safe for children to be born into. She’s going to see it as your job to repair the nest. Failing to do basic repair work and general nest maintenance is going to flip her sexual attraction switches for you off.

 

I’m not saying you have to be able to build a house from scratch, but a minimal level of ability with basic tools and home repair tasks will make your wife feel safe and comfortable. So while skill with tools was the original Alpha Male skill, in modern terms it's really a Beta Male Trait.

 

That being said, do know the difference between a bathroom remodel that you can’t afford – that’s a fitness test – and making sure the things in your home are functional and safe. Just make a list and start fixing. Unleash your inner Throgg.
(19.3) Be a Tool Man

 

As an aside, if you remember the sitcom
“Home Improvement,”
try doing a few “Tim The Tool Man Taylor” grunts as you do the repair and present your finished repair job to your wife. It's always funny and sets up an expectation that you deserve a little extra attention for your efforts. Plus, if you actually botch the repair job, you have an automatic lead into humorous
"oh no"
grunting and a second attempt at the repair.

 

You can also ham up your repair work with a little Alpha cocky and funny instigation as well. The use of nearly every word associated with repairs lends itself to purposely comically bad pickup lines.

 

"Is there anything else that needs to be nailed?"
"Mind if I work on your plumbing?"
"This tool is strong and quite hard.”
"My technique is just to pound it hard.”
"I'm looking for the perfect screw.”
"If anything else is dripping, I'll take a look at that too.”
"If you stand any closer baby, you'll need protection.”
"I can't stop and have sex now, doing you is seventh on the list and I'm only at number five.”
"I'm done with the sink. So how long until your husband is back....?"
(19.4) Feed the Family Something Special

 

I tend to get up earlier than Jennifer on the weekend. By which I mean her lazy fine ass stays in the bed as long as humanly possible. Actually it sounds a little like a fitness test, but it's really not. She needs her sleep and there's nothing she really needs to be doing early on a Saturday anyway. Let’s face it, she does her Wonder Woman routine all week and I
wear her out
as well. She really doesn't need me screeching like a newborn on the weekend mornings.

 

So usually I time a breakfast or coffee run for about when she is getting up. Sometimes it's fancy stuff, but usually not…just a good cup of coffee and something to eat. It's both predictable and a little random. Chicks dig that.

 

Just like a man bringing back fresh meat in The Time Before Writing, I've gone out successfully hunted fresh, er… deli meat and bagels. Admittedly bagels are only dangerously aggressive on rare occasions, so 
a little
 of the warrior flair is lost, but it's quite symbolic anyway. She gets her sleep and I get to do a very comfort building little ritual for us. Jennifer is a generally upbeat person, but this really does make her feel good and it sets the mood for the rest of the day.

 

Also no one bugs me for a couple of hours on Saturday mornings.
(19.5) Get Her to Cut Your Hair

 

One of my favorite nights is Sunday night, because Jennifer cuts my hair then. Admittedly there's not a lot of it left, but rather than do some stupid comb-over, we just buzz it all off very short each week. She was nervous about it at first, but it's basically impossible to screw it up. Clippers, my head,
neeeerrrroooowwww
....

 

I suspect it’s so nice because it's some sort of primate grooming hold over from well before even The Time Before Writing. Maybe it’s just nice to be pampered, touched and cared for by your wife. Maybe it's because from when I was fourteen to seventeen I had a young, cute and very busty hairdresser who used to take a very long time to cut my hair and always ended up somehow rubbing her boobs on my shoulders and upper back. Seriously, I have no clue.

 

Jennifer on the other hand, gets to indulge in that favorite female fantasy of making her man over to look better. Maybe it's some sort of primate grooming thing on her end too. Plus she gets to tend to the magnificence of me. (I don't believe it's possible to be too confident).

 

When you ask her to cut your hair for you, I suggest you frame it this way...

 

"Honey, there's something I want to do and I really want to be able to do it with you. But if you don't want to do it, I'll understand and still love you, just understand that I've decided I'll have to see someone else and have her do it for me. I do love you and I’m not looking for a relationship with anyone else or anything like that. I'll probably just find someone willing to be paid to do it and not get involved."

 

Remember to be smiling a very naughty boy smile as you do this. Be playful, not serious in tone. If you think you're going to blow it, at least hold the clippers in your hand or be in the store looking at the box or something as a defense prop. Then you spring that you are, in fact, looking for a haircut rather than some sort of kinky sex act.

 

The closing line is...
"I mean I could do it myself, but it's just not the same".
(19.6) Ask for Her Special Dish

 

Let’s face it, most of us are not professional chefs and we turn out quite edible food, but on average it's all quite mundane. Your wife, however, will usually have a small handful of things that she's really good at making, but she only makes them for special occasions.
So just ask for it anyway. And then you eat it. Slowly and sitting with her. Once done eating you say,
"I don't really understand why, but when you make this, I just get this wonderful feeling inside that we're a family."
You should get some sort of positive reaction from that one as it tugs on her heartstrings. So enjoy the moment of warm fuzziness and cuddle and kiss. Once that starts to settle down a little say in your best I'm a naughty boy voice,
"It also makes me a little horny."

 

Jennifer’s special dish is sausage rolls. They are basically sausage wrapped in pastry in a long roll, cut into two to three inch long pieces and baked. Sausage rolls are a traditional party staple in New Zealand and it's one of the very few things that I get homesick for. Jennifer was originally stressed out by making them, as bad sausage rolls are a divorceable offense in New Zealand. Her first few batches were a difficult time for us.
(19.7) Clean the Kitchen
Cleaning up a kitchen is easy. Just clean all the counters off and wipe them down. Pick up and put away the dishes and cups and plates and crap that are out everywhere. Having a kitchen sink full of dirty dishes just makes it unusable and energy draining. If a date walks into your house and sees dirty dishes in your sink, she's adjusting your Sex Rank down in her mind to accommodate having to be your future maid if things progress; your wife feels the same way.
To be honest, Jennifer does more clean-up work in the kitchen than I do. But I do make a special effort on nights that Jennifer is out working late to tidy up the kitchen and clean it all away before she gets home. As she drives home on those nights I'd prefer her to dream about starting to sink into my arms, rather than her arms in my sink.

Other books

Ace's Wild by Sarah McCarty
Princess Play by Barbara Ismail
Criminals by Valerie Trueblood
After the Party by Lisa Jewell