The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (44 page)
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Authors: Athol Kay
BOOK: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011
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Books and websites on swinging and polyamory discuss managing jealousy in huge depth. Jealousy is a powerful emotion, and it takes a fair degree of social reprogramming to have a jealous lover not act on that emotion. The person most likely to experience feeling threatened and therefore jealous, is the lower Sex Rank half of the couple. The practical purpose of this social reprogramming is to make the lower Sex Rank half of a couple become passive in the face of risk to the relationship. So if the male 7 watching his wife have sex with a male 9 gets jealous and upset,
he’s framed as the one with the problem.
He has to struggle to behave himself and she gets pumped by a 9, so she’s is a clear winner. In cuckolding there are no illusions about this, as the erotic humiliation of watching a higher Sex Rank man take his wife is channeled as the turn-on for the husband.
he’s framed as the one with the problem.
He has to struggle to behave himself and she gets pumped by a 9, so she’s is a clear winner. In cuckolding there are no illusions about this, as the erotic humiliation of watching a higher Sex Rank man take his wife is channeled as the turn-on for the husband.
Husbands do tend to float the idea of non-monogamy first in a marriage and it may take quite some time to convince the wife to try it. But if the interest and activity persists, eventually the driving force becomes the wife’s. If a wife is married to a 6 or a 7 and she’s allowed to have sex with an 8, 9 or 10 in sanctioned hook-ups, she will almost never stop that contact. This is exactly what her Body Agenda drives her to do. Then if you’re the 6 or 7 husband, should one of those 8, 9 or 10s take a bit more of a shine to your wife… she’ll very likely leave you for him. Well… it would be
rational
for her to do that wouldn’t it?
rational
for her to do that wouldn’t it?
It is a weakness display of the highest order to allow another man to have sex with your wife, and a turn off for almost all women. In fact most wives don’t agree to start these activities until their husband’s begging for them reduces her attraction to him. Don’t confuse the wife’s sexual excitement for her husband after having sex with another man as an increased attraction to her husband; it’s simply carrying over from the rush she felt with the other man and her desire to have sperm competing inside her.
Likewise, when you allow another man to have sex with your wife, you’re making a weakness display to the other man as well. He will gain enormous confidence in his ability to best you and you are actively encouraging him to move against your interest in your wife. Your best friend may have desired your wife for many years, but never thought he could steal her from you. Once you allow him to sleep with her, he knows he could probably take her from you.
In the end, the purpose of non-monogamy groups is to try and create a small sub-group where the women have sexual access to the best men and are sexually unbothered by the rest of them. Of course, if you’re a super hot guy, then there is no problem with chumps handing over their wives to you is there?
(26.7) Trying to Stay Married to Someone who is Batshit Crazy
When you run The MAP on a normal woman, she generally responds positively to your efforts. If you're being Alpha she normally feels more attraction to you, if you do something Beta she normally feels more comfortable with you. You just ping pong her with Alpha and Beta and pretty soon she's in love and loving you. She doesn't mind lying down with her legs apart while gazing at you with bedroom eyes because this is normal behavior for a woman that is highly receptive to a particular man.
Unfortunately some women are batshit crazy, as in really diagnosable as mentally ill with a personality disorder. Which leads to the question,
"What happens when you run The MAP on a woman who is batshit crazy?"
"What happens when you run The MAP on a woman who is batshit crazy?"
Well if you are doing something Alpha, this threatens them, so it triggers an acute episode of being batshit crazy. This will look like a Fitness Test, but it's not a Fitness Test,
it's just them being batshit crazy.
In a Fitness Test there is some sort of subconscious plan being run by her Body Agenda, to test to see if you can respond to her with appropriate dominance. When someone is formally diagnosed as being batshit crazy and is having an acute episode of behavior, they aren't caring whether or not you pass their test;
they are just being batshit crazy.
it's just them being batshit crazy.
In a Fitness Test there is some sort of subconscious plan being run by her Body Agenda, to test to see if you can respond to her with appropriate dominance. When someone is formally diagnosed as being batshit crazy and is having an acute episode of behavior, they aren't caring whether or not you pass their test;
they are just being batshit crazy.
When you do something Beta for them, they quite enjoy it and lap it up because being batshit crazy actually takes up a great deal of effort. However you get no points for doing anything Beta as their relationship comfort with you can't ever improve properly. Batshit crazy sufferers are always deeply disturbed and can't be pleased or comforted, so you typically waste your efforts in doing Beta things for them.
Generally with someone that is batshit crazy, you don't even really have a chance to really do The MAP, as you’re too busy coping with them being in one of the five stages of being batshit crazy:
Phase 1 - Threatening to be batshit crazy.
Generally with someone that is batshit crazy, you don't even really have a chance to really do The MAP, as you’re too busy coping with them being in one of the five stages of being batshit crazy:
Phase 1 - Threatening to be batshit crazy.
Phase 2 - Acute Crisis: Actually doing something batshit crazy.
Phase 3 - Recovering from the effects of being batshit crazy.
Phase 4 - Being really nice to you.
Phase 5 - Suddenly realizing that you are an asshole for not meeting their demands in Phase 1
This cycle repeats endlessly and Ten Second Kisses, sexy text messages, flirting, cooking dinner and playfully fondling her in the shower will not work on someone that is like this. You can try and be the Captain all you like, but if the First Officer tries to smack you with a hammer, it’s time to stop the madness.
The only really effective way of dealing with someone that is batshit crazy is some combination of, leaving the relationship, finding an effective medication regime, therapeutic support and using emergency services as is appropriate. Should they become violent or engage in property destruction, call 911 for your safety and that of the children. Even batshit crazy people understand tazers.
Chapter 27
Dealing With Her If She Cheats
(27.1) Signs of Cheating
There are four general signs of cheating.
A change in behavior
– There are hundreds of things that books and magazines say cheaters do as tipping off behavior. However a far simpler way of noticing a cheater is to pick up on their
changes
in behavior. If they had been reliably doing A, B and C, but suddenly they start doing X, Y and Z, it doesn’t matter what A, B, C or X, Y, Z actually are, you’re just looking for the change in behavior. Once you see that, then you should dig deeper and find out what is going on.
– There are hundreds of things that books and magazines say cheaters do as tipping off behavior. However a far simpler way of noticing a cheater is to pick up on their
changes
in behavior. If they had been reliably doing A, B and C, but suddenly they start doing X, Y and Z, it doesn’t matter what A, B, C or X, Y, Z actually are, you’re just looking for the change in behavior. Once you see that, then you should dig deeper and find out what is going on.
Cheaters lie
– Cheaters lie endlessly and their lies are like rats; for every lie you catch, there are usually a hundred you didn’t. You may catch them in a fairly minor lie that may not seem to directly relate to cheating, but you never know. The lies can start small, like simple omissions of information – like
“I had lunch with a guy I’m very attracted to that I work with.”
Then slowly ramp up to bigger things like secret bank accounts,
"I can’t leave work the boss is making me stay,” "It’s your baby,"
and so on. If you catch your wife in a lie of any sort, you need to see that as a big red flag.
– Cheaters lie endlessly and their lies are like rats; for every lie you catch, there are usually a hundred you didn’t. You may catch them in a fairly minor lie that may not seem to directly relate to cheating, but you never know. The lies can start small, like simple omissions of information – like
“I had lunch with a guy I’m very attracted to that I work with.”
Then slowly ramp up to bigger things like secret bank accounts,
"I can’t leave work the boss is making me stay,” "It’s your baby,"
and so on. If you catch your wife in a lie of any sort, you need to see that as a big red flag.
Cheaters live in a fantasy world
– Cheaters base their entire decision making framework on the belief that they are able to get away with it and not experience a negative outcome. As an example, I can very much enjoy a fantasy experience of dreaming about robbing a bank and loving all the money – but I don’t rob banks because I believe I’ll get caught. Actual bank robbers believe they can get away with it and getting caught is a horrible shock to them. For the most part robbing a bank these days requires someone completely delusional considering all the cameras and security. Likewise, people who cheat assume they can get away with it. They can’t perceive that there are consequences for their actions like divorce, not seeing their children and the emotional devastation of their spouse. The delusion also extends to thoughts like
“I love them both, just differently,” “I can’t help myself”, “The children will be fine,”
and so on.
– Cheaters base their entire decision making framework on the belief that they are able to get away with it and not experience a negative outcome. As an example, I can very much enjoy a fantasy experience of dreaming about robbing a bank and loving all the money – but I don’t rob banks because I believe I’ll get caught. Actual bank robbers believe they can get away with it and getting caught is a horrible shock to them. For the most part robbing a bank these days requires someone completely delusional considering all the cameras and security. Likewise, people who cheat assume they can get away with it. They can’t perceive that there are consequences for their actions like divorce, not seeing their children and the emotional devastation of their spouse. The delusion also extends to thoughts like
“I love them both, just differently,” “I can’t help myself”, “The children will be fine,”
and so on.
Cheating is addictive
- The whole thing of
“It just happened”
really does happen, but usually it gets spread over many small occasions rather than one bizarre event. Usually the cheater experiences something pleasant with a member of the opposite sex…a flirt, a smile, something nice, a little attention and it’s all completely harmless. So they go back for another little nibble on the good feelings. Then they go back for another little nibble. Fast forward a couple of weeks and the dopamine has kicked in and the full OCD-like symptoms of interest in another person have started to take over their thought process. Now they can’t live without lunch with the love interest, they have to call them repeatedly and they need their texts every twenty minutes. The more serious it is the more evidence will pile up.
- The whole thing of
“It just happened”
really does happen, but usually it gets spread over many small occasions rather than one bizarre event. Usually the cheater experiences something pleasant with a member of the opposite sex…a flirt, a smile, something nice, a little attention and it’s all completely harmless. So they go back for another little nibble on the good feelings. Then they go back for another little nibble. Fast forward a couple of weeks and the dopamine has kicked in and the full OCD-like symptoms of interest in another person have started to take over their thought process. Now they can’t live without lunch with the love interest, they have to call them repeatedly and they need their texts every twenty minutes. The more serious it is the more evidence will pile up.
As an aside, should you ever get involved with another woman, these four signs of cheating will also apply to you. If you ever find yourself both lying to your wife and somehow magically thinking that seeing the other woman isn’t that bad, you’re probably already changing your behavior and starting to tip your wife off that something is up.
(27.2) Gather Information
The answer to this combination of changed behavior, lying, delusion and addiction is to drag it all out into the ugly light of day. To do that you’re going to need information and documentation, so you have to spy on them.
I do have two serious warnings about spying though. The first is that it will drive you paranoid and half crazy just doing it. As you spy even an innocent thing can seem more than it really is to your crazy thinking. The second is that if you get caught spying and your spouse was doing nothing with anyone, you’re going to look like a lunatic and that could damage the relationship. So never get caught and never start this without at least some evidence that they are being shady.
As a serious warning, some or all of this may be illegal in your state. I do not advise breaking the law.
Some possible options are:
Keyloggers
– by tracking their internet use you can often quickly find sexual emails or online chats. Just print everything off that you find that is evidence of the affair.
– by tracking their internet use you can often quickly find sexual emails or online chats. Just print everything off that you find that is evidence of the affair.
Phone records
– if you get your phone bill, often there will be evidence of endless calls and texts between the cheater and the lover. Again, all of this is evidence and can be printed off.
– if you get your phone bill, often there will be evidence of endless calls and texts between the cheater and the lover. Again, all of this is evidence and can be printed off.
Cell phone monitoring
– there are some services that enable you to tap cell phones and get text messages. Also some services can GPS track the phone.
– there are some services that enable you to tap cell phones and get text messages. Also some services can GPS track the phone.
GPS tracking
– there are GPS trackers that can be attached to cars or put under the seat.
– there are GPS trackers that can be attached to cars or put under the seat.
Voice activated recorders
– these are also good for use in cars. Very often the cheater will call the lover while in the car.
– these are also good for use in cars. Very often the cheater will call the lover while in the car.
Video cameras
- If you’re suspecting the relationship is physical and happening in your own home, you can go for a huge variety of nanny cams that are motion activated. If you’re catching her out and about, there are a variety of spy cameras or most good cell phones take decent pictures or even video as well.
- If you’re suspecting the relationship is physical and happening in your own home, you can go for a huge variety of nanny cams that are motion activated. If you’re catching her out and about, there are a variety of spy cameras or most good cell phones take decent pictures or even video as well.
Private investigator
– Sometimes you just have to go with the pros and get it done that way.
– Sometimes you just have to go with the pros and get it done that way.
Then you lay low and collect information. Print a hard copy of anything and everything that looks bad. If she’s going to some guy's house (GPS tracked her there), snapping shots or video of her going in and out is good too. Absolutely do not tip your hand that you are spying until you have solid evidence against her.
You need to visit a few attorneys’ offices and grab a few business cards and whatever divorce handouts they have. Also do the same thing for marriage counselors.
(27.3) Expose the Affair
Once you have solid proof that something inappropriate is going on, you unload the whole thing on her and drag it all out into the open. Here’s your list of fifty-three phone calls to Mr. X in the last two weeks. Here are all of your texts to him. Here are the photos of your breasts you sent him. When you said you were at the movies with your sister on Friday your cell phone GPS was at his house for two hours. You’ve been to his house four times in the last two weeks. Here are all the emails where you said he was fantastic in bed. Here’s a photo of you both holding hands in public. Whatever it is just lay it on with a shovel.
Then she has a simple choice…
Choice one
– She breaks it off with the other man, as in completely off,
No contact whatsoever
beyond a final joint message to him,
“Sorry, my husband caught me, I’m going back to him, this is over, don’t contact me.”
This all happens in front of you by the way. Any repeated attempts by him to contact her need to be ignored, or if they become threatening in any way, it becomes a police matter via 911 and/or a restraining order. The no contact rule is absolutely vital since she needs to be weaned off the addictive (dopamine!) effects of contact with the other man.
– She breaks it off with the other man, as in completely off,
No contact whatsoever
beyond a final joint message to him,
“Sorry, my husband caught me, I’m going back to him, this is over, don’t contact me.”
This all happens in front of you by the way. Any repeated attempts by him to contact her need to be ignored, or if they become threatening in any way, it becomes a police matter via 911 and/or a restraining order. The no contact rule is absolutely vital since she needs to be weaned off the addictive (dopamine!) effects of contact with the other man.
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