The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (39 page)
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Authors: Athol Kay
BOOK: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011
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“
Simon Says…”
Simon Says…”
This clues her into that you are playing a game with her and unless she had some sort of bizarre childhood, she will know the game and be almost automatically driven to comply with demands from “Simon.”
“
Simon Says, text that you are IN to playing Simon Says.”
Simon Says, text that you are IN to playing Simon Says.”
If you get an “IN” reply, you’re in, and can just start issuing commands as you think she would comply and enjoy. Suggestions:
Simon says find a private area of the house
Simon says remove an article of clothing
Simon says take a photo of your boobs
Simon says take a photo of your panties
Simon says rub your nipples
Simon says take your panties off
Simon says turn the lights down low
Simon says finger yourself
Simon says have an orgasm
Simon says come open the front door and let me in
Generally just start from simpler less daring requests and work up to more daring ones. Of course if you’re a single Bad Boy you can text Simon Says requests to multiple women at once as long as you can keep up with the texting speed.
(22.7) The Star Trek Game
I’m a big believer in play. Playing with your wife, and playing with your kids. Life is getting so serious these days. Play is the antidote to serious. You don’t have to turn into a big immature kid to play, just add a helping of goofball and lose a little of the frown.
Both my wife and I work full time jobs, plus we have busy and social kids. We have to schedule pickups and drop offs with school, and it’s getting to be a lucky dip how many kids you come home with when you go to pick them up. You get two kids some days, sometimes four kids, others none. This is by no means a complaint, these are a great group of kids in our neighborhood and we love all of them. They just move as a pack from house to house it seems.
We have two daughters and all four of us have a shared cell phone plan, with unlimited text messaging between us. And as all good geeks should know… a cell phone is really a Star Trek Communicator. So obviously there needs to be a geeky Star Trek Text Game.
The first step is to define a few terms. Take your street name, add
“The”
or
“USS”
to the front of it, and then drop the street/road from it. So
“Redstone Hill Street”
becomes
“The Redstone”
or
“USS Redstone Hill”.
And bingo you have the starship name of your house.
“The”
or
“USS”
to the front of it, and then drop the street/road from it. So
“Redstone Hill Street”
becomes
“The Redstone”
or
“USS Redstone Hill”.
And bingo you have the starship name of your house.
The cars are more easily named affectionately. These are shuttlecraft and the owner/primary driver’s middle name is the name of the shuttle. That or simply refer to them as shuttles or runabouts.
Naturally I am the Captain with the rank of Captain. If you’re properly geekish and want me to pick an actual character, I’m Spock. Most particularly the middle aged Spock who is no longer purely logical, but more in touch with his emotions and even goes so far as to talk of faith. He is quite illogically loyal and concerned for his friends.
Jennifer is the First Officer and rank of Commander. Geeks might enjoy thinking of her as Deanna Troi, but not so much the bimbo-early-seasons-Troi stating the obvious
(“You feel profoundly sad”),
more the final season or two where she is a full bridge officer and uniformed and packing a phaser for away missions. She has a social fluidity, emotional balance and genuine charm that still astound me to this day. Plus she has the bedroom thing down.
(“You feel profoundly sad”),
more the final season or two where she is a full bridge officer and uniformed and packing a phaser for away missions. She has a social fluidity, emotional balance and genuine charm that still astound me to this day. Plus she has the bedroom thing down.
Daughter #1 is an Ensign. She is more fully my daughter than her mother’s, but she interfaces with technology superbly, is always connected to something…computer, iPod, phone or all three together. There’s a struggle for individuality from the collective. So she is clearly 7 of 9, our resident Borg. As Ensign she is capable of performing away missions without direct supervision. (Though shuttlecraft training is a few years off.)
Daughter #2 is a newly promoted Ensign. Like her mom she is socially adept, sensitive and hard working in the extreme. But she has a wide variety of skills and interests too. She’ll play fight like a Klingon one minute, love money like a Ferengi, then want to read for hours like a Vulcan. There’s a multitude of talents and skills in there. And in time she could possibly be the wisest of us all. So she’s a Trill. But young, button cute and a little shy…so Ezri Dax.
So that’s the Ship and the Crew…
Neighboring kids’ houses are referred to by street name, but changing the word denoting street to that of “
system.”
So someone living on
“Duke Street”
becomes
“The Duke System.”
system.”
So someone living on
“Duke Street”
becomes
“The Duke System.”
Another option if the street name is horrible for usage,
“22 Peach Road”
for example is awful, then just ignore the street name, and use the house number and switch it up to “
Starbase 22.”
“22 Peach Road”
for example is awful, then just ignore the street name, and use the house number and switch it up to “
Starbase 22.”
So we text each other a lot; kid pick up and drop offs, where are you going? When are you back? I’m on my way and so on. Here’s a list of playful terms and verbiage to kick start things.
Fleet operations complete:
All kids are dropped off and we are home now.
All kids are dropped off and we are home now.
Understood:
Ok
Ok
Ensign away mission to Pine System:
Daughter is going to her friend’s house on Pine St.
Daughter is going to her friend’s house on Pine St.
Creating resupply manifest:
I’m going to the store, you need anything?
I’m going to the store, you need anything?
10 Forward?:
I really need a drink tonight, want to hook up?
I really need a drink tonight, want to hook up?
ETA The Redstone 10 minutes:
I’ll be home in ten minutes
I’ll be home in ten minutes
Call for extraction by 2100
: I’ll come pick you up from your friend’s house when you text, but I’ll just show up at 9pm if you don’t call earlier than that.
: I’ll come pick you up from your friend’s house when you text, but I’ll just show up at 9pm if you don’t call earlier than that.
Educational delegation on board:
I am up to my ass in freaking kids.
I am up to my ass in freaking kids.
Report:
Where are you? How is it going?
Where are you? How is it going?
How was the diplomatic conference?:
How did the meeting go?
How did the meeting go?
Keep a channel open:
Stay in touch.
Stay in touch.
Report Overdue [Rank]:
If you shut your phone off or refuse to answer my texts I will ground you young lady. Don’t think I won’t do that just because I’m capable of being playful at times.
If you shut your phone off or refuse to answer my texts I will ground you young lady. Don’t think I won’t do that just because I’m capable of being playful at times.
Life support critical:
We are very, very hungry, please bring home something to eat.
We are very, very hungry, please bring home something to eat.
Yellow alert:
I’m not feeling comfortable here. Please come get me right now.
I’m not feeling comfortable here. Please come get me right now.
Red alert:
HELP NOW.
HELP NOW.
So that’s the basics, just play and have some fun with it. The kids love it and I’m the cool fun dad. But also one that’s in communication and paying attention. I’ve totally been training the kids that they can dial mom and dad and be automatically dragged out of any situation by their parents. Don’t forget that this entire thing of playful attention to wife and family works for my wife and builds her interest in me. Maybe Star Trek doesn't work for you, it does for us. But then we're a little geeky at times.
(22.8) How Not to Ask Your Boss What Color Her Panties are by Accidental Text
My female boss has a first name that starts with a “K”. In my address book my contact list went “Jennifer” and then immediately “K”. I’m a little fast and careless with my texting occasionally and I’d prefer not to accidently ask the Director of Nurses what color her panties are.
For myself, I use a number system and rank my most valued female contacts. "1 Jennifer" sits at the top of the list. It's actually cool because about 40% of my outgoing calls and 75%+ of my texts are to Jennifer, so I get a lot of ease in quick keying replies etc.
"2 xxxxxxx" is my primary coworker and we do have a lot of contact with each other. Our work group is geographically spread out, but we're a small team, so we do a fair bit of calling and texting each other.
"3 xxxxxx" is my female boss who I both love dearly and have a lot of respect for.
"2 xxxxxxx" is my primary coworker and we do have a lot of contact with each other. Our work group is geographically spread out, but we're a small team, so we do a fair bit of calling and texting each other.
"3 xxxxxx" is my female boss who I both love dearly and have a lot of respect for.
"4 xxxxxx" is daughter #1
"5 xxxxxx" is daughter #2
"5 xxxxxx" is daughter #2
Basically this group gets 90% of my outgoing calls, and 98% of my texts and they just all sit at the top of my address list. See how that's all easy phone management?
On discovery of this ranking... #2 was quite flattered that she out ranked #3 in my phone, though I pointed out immediately that I do occasionally text a little too quickly and she was the only one in the top five that I could accidently send a filthy text intended for 1 Jennifer to and not get in serious trouble with. So she's technically the buffer to the people that really matter.
I do find it very helpful to have my #1 ranked female flashed in front of my eyes as such at least four or five times a day. More important than the kids. More important than the boss. More important than female coworkers.
See I told you she was my
“Number One!”
“Number One!”
(22.9) That’s What She Said
This one is simple but effective. Whenever your wife says anything that could be misunderstood as sexual, you just draw attention to it with the line
“that’s what she said.”
“that’s what she said.”
As an example; I’m driving my wife’s car and there is no windshield washer fluid left, plus the driver’s side wiper looks half broken and finishes all wonky right across my field of vision. So by text…
Me:
“No washer fluid and the wiper looks broken.”
“No washer fluid and the wiper looks broken.”
Jennifer:
“Yeah it gets stuck halfway when it isn’t wet.”
“Yeah it gets stuck halfway when it isn’t wet.”
Me:
“That’s what she said.”
“That’s what she said.”
Jennifer:
“LOL.”
“LOL.”
So yeah… it’s juvenile and needlessly sexual, but that’s why it works so well. It’s funny, it shows a one track mind and it’s hard to find a more reliable joke.
(22.10) Same Room Texting
If you’re in the same room, you can still text each other. Especially if you have some private joke you want to share. Or maybe the kids are in the room and you’re putting in your orders for bedtime…
(22.11) It Can Be Short
Jennifer:
I'm on my way home we need anything?
I'm on my way home we need anything?
Me:
Raw dog sex
Raw dog sex
Jennifer:
LOL oh really.
LOL oh really.
Me:
Woof.
Woof.
Chapter 23
Date Night
(23.1) It’s a Date and it’s at Night
Now we’re into the fun stuff, some practical things that you can do to boost your wife’s interest in you. These aren’t just ideas like “light candles in the bedroom”, but are specifically designed to play off either or both Alpha and Beta traits.
The much praised weekly “Date Night” is supposedly the touchstone of marital bliss, but many couples find it lackluster and less fun than it should be. Personally, I think it’s hard to come up with clever and novel dates on a weekly basis and for many couples the expense of eating out cuts into the budget. Jennifer and I do a proper Date Night about once every three months, but we execute them well together.
The most important thing for a Date Night is that you have some sort of plan for the evening and don’t just flounder around without a clue what to do next. Women generally like their men to lead them, so you asking
“Umm, what do you want to do?”
for the special night out just turns them off. It’s ideal if you can time Date Night to sync up with her ovulation.
“Umm, what do you want to do?”
for the special night out just turns them off. It’s ideal if you can time Date Night to sync up with her ovulation.
The idea is to put into practice the core of pickup by touching on the basics covered in the chapter
“Instigate, Isolate and Escalate.”
What follows below comes in two parts for an actual Date Night Jennifer and I had together. The first part is my plan and the second part is how it actually played out. Jennifer naturally got to read the first part on my blog before the actual Date Night, so things had a slight variation along the way…
“Instigate, Isolate and Escalate.”
What follows below comes in two parts for an actual Date Night Jennifer and I had together. The first part is my plan and the second part is how it actually played out. Jennifer naturally got to read the first part on my blog before the actual Date Night, so things had a slight variation along the way…
(23.2) The Plan for Date Night
The plan is to drop the girls off at Grandma's house for an overnight and then have a proper Date Night. The entire point of getting rid of the kids is to create an isolation play so that we're alone together properly. It's one thing to have sex in bed after the kids are asleep, but you can't exactly rampage naked through the house squealing and rutting without waking up the little dears. As we drive to Grandma’s, I will most likely reach over and touch Jennifer on the thigh about three times and give it a gentle squeeze. She'll put her hand on top of mine, letting me know she likes it.
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